The Ministry of Special Cases (38 page)

“I’m in mourning,” Kaddish said, “for my son.”

The rabbi rushed out the blessing,
baruch dayan emes
. What else but death could have brought this man into his home? He said, “I’m sorry. I hadn’t heard.”

“Would it have made a difference?”

“It would,” the rabbi said, fully somber. “I would have made a shiva call if I knew you’d been sitting.”

“I have nowhere to sit,” Kaddish said. “I carry the grief around with me.”

Already confused, the rabbi didn’t think this an actual physical claim. He was more interested right then in learning where the grave was. He hadn’t heard from the burial society and wondered if Kaddish’s son was laid to rest as a Jew.

“Where’s the boy buried?” he said.

“The junta,” Kaddish said. “They are murdering the children. This country runs out of control.”

The rabbi straightened up and lifted the needle from the record and whispered, “You’re forbidden to hear music at such a time.” He twisted and retwisted the tip of his beard. Letting go, it held its form for a few seconds and then untwined. “The wife,” he said, “your Lillian. I can still make a visit if the shiva is done.”

“There’s no need to visit,” Kaddish said. “She wouldn’t appreciate it.”

“There is an unfortunate history between us,” the rabbi said.

“Not because of that,” Kaddish said. “Because to her the boy, our Pato, is alive.”

“Alive?” the rabbi said. What other choice was there but flabbergasted? This was not a conversation of which one could make sense. Reformulating, the rabbi asked, “How can a mother deny that her son is dead?”

“It’s very sad,” Kaddish said. “I feel the same way.”

“At the funeral,” the rabbi said (still curious about where the boy was buried), “she must have acknowledged the loss in some way.”

“It’s about the funeral that I’m here. We haven’t yet had one. And I’m unsure,” Kaddish said, “exactly how to do it. I turn to you, painful for me as that is.”

“How no funeral? Where’s the body?”

“Disappeared,” Kaddish said. “They toss the bodies—” and here Kaddish bit at his thumbnail, looking distraught. “Not bodies,” he said. “Still living, they toss them from airplanes down into the river. There will never be a body, but a funeral is his right.”

“I don’t understand,” the rabbi said, no judgment in it. “If there’s no body, how do you know he’s dead? How,” the rabbi said, slow and careful, “how do you know your wife is wrong and you are right?”

“How do I know?” Kaddish said. He hadn’t expected such a question. “The navigator told me—the fisherman. I spoke to the man who did it, the one who throws the children from the planes.”

“A fisherman did this to your Pato?”

“He might as well have,” Kaddish said. “Of those he murdered, it’s possible Pato may have been among them.”

“So there’s no proof?” the rabbi said. His voice rose up in the asking. Again, it was without judgment. The rabbi was trying only to grasp.

“This is the way in which it’s Argentine,” Kaddish said, now animated, eyes open wide. “It’s neat and it’s clean and, more than anything, it’s well-mannered. The whole country turns away, as if they’ve caught the government with something in its teeth. It’s become crass even to acknowledge the loss,” Kaddish said. “You don’t think it impolite, I hope, that my son has been made dead?”

The rabbi began to mutter a
baruch shem kavod
. It wasn’t a second
bracha
, it was instead the line mustered to undo the erroneous blessing. The rabbi dared not let a prayer over the death of a child stand when he thought the boy might live.

What other conclusion could the rabbi draw, listening to this madness, talking to this madman, a son of a whore who always made trouble, who was born to it and now stood before him, filthy and stinking and wearing—Vashti-like—all his ugliness on the outside?

It was no struggle choosing whom to trust between Kaddish and his pitiable wife.

“She waits for him?” the rabbi said. “Lillian believes you’re wrong?”

“She doesn’t wait. She searches and searches. Admirable behavior,” Kaddish said, “if Pato were alive, if there were a boy to find.”

“And there’s no way you can see her side?” the rabbi said. “That it is good what she, as a mother, does?”

“The way in which she is right is that she demands to see a body. And the way in which she’s wrong is that there isn’t one to find.”

“Maybe,” the rabbi said, “you’re wrong in not waiting.”

“Me? I’m the same as always. Not right or wrong, only deficient,” Kaddish said, “forever falling short. But this one thing, a father to a dead son without a son to weep over. This is an absence that’s not right and not fair.”

“What am I to do?” the rabbi said. “I can’t produce him.”

“I’m not a fool,” Kaddish said. “I’m not asking for a miracle. Only advice. How without a body do I make a resting place for my son? You tell me not to leave my house during the first week of mourning, and I tell you, without a grave, the mourning never ends.”

“Abandon the mourning,” the rabbi said. “Go back to your wife. She’s a sensible woman, Poznan. It sounds like she does the right thing.”

Kaddish wanted to scream.

“How do you perpetually side against me, Rabbi? I come here alone and I give you the facts. I tell you my story and that Lillian is wrong and, as if it’s the only conclusion that can be drawn, you tell me she’s right.”

“Maybe you tell a different story than you think.”

“A grave,” Kaddish said. “A funeral.”

“Are you going to persist with this? You can’t leave the dead alone and now you fiddle with the living. When will you turn serious, Poznan? You’ve said it yourself already there can be no funeral without the son. Be thankful. Be thankful that you don’t have him, that there’s still hope.”

“How much more serious can I be,” Kaddish said, “if I’m willing to come to you?”

“Serious or insane? I admit, I’m distressed at the sight of you.”

“Isn’t that proof enough? Isn’t this exactly how I should look in my predicament? Have mercy on me, Rabbi. I’m not asking you to agree, only to tell me how to make a funeral without the son?”

The rabbi put a hand on top of his big black yarmulke and slid it forward. When he could formulate no conciliatory answer he dropped his hand. The rabbi looked down his nose at Kaddish, the silk edge of his yarmulke reaching to the middle of his forehead.

“You can’t dig a grave,” the rabbi said, “without something to put in it. Beyond Jewish law, it’s basic logic. A grave must hold something if it’s to be a grave. Otherwise it’s just a hole filled in.”

“You can do better. There must be more.”

“You would need—” the rabbi said, and then stopped himself. He was not, God forbid, talking about Pato specifically, a boy who possibly lived.
“One,”
the rabbi said. “To have a funeral, to dig a grave,
one
would need something to put in it. Not even a whole body. Even a finger is enough.”

Kaddish raised an eyebrow and leaned in as if trying better to hear what had already been said. He rolled his eyes as if considering and then the lids above them began to flutter. The rabbi was convinced it was some sort of attack and pressed a hand to his own heart in the witnessing. He then called Kaddish’s name so loudly and with such panic that, at the sound of it, his granddaughter came running.

When she arrived she was startled to find her grandfather beside Kaddish gently stroking his hair.
“Shhh,”
the rabbi said. But Kaddish wasn’t hearing. He was very busy thinking. He was right then remembering what he’d had and what he’d left: Pato’s fingertip as if it were reaching, sticking up out of the sand. The one time God had blessed
him and Kaddish was too blind to see it. Had he kept that fingertip, Kaddish would have had his one miracle and Pato his grave. Everything always done wrong.

The rabbi kept on with his shushing and, with a glance to the girl, said, “It will be all right.” The girl moved back into the hallway, still watching, and the rabbi said to Kaddish, “But you must go home.”

“I can’t,” Kaddish said, shaking his head, shaking the rabbi off.

Even if Kaddish was willing to go home, the rabbi didn’t think anyone, even Lillian, could be expected to take such a specimen back.

“When did you last eat?” the rabbi said.

“Cigarettes,” was Kaddish’s answer. The rabbi arched his head, catching the eye of the lingering girl.

“Go get cigarettes,” he said.

The girl looked at her grandfather, her face blank.

“Jockey,” Kaddish said. “Any kiosk. All of them sell.”

The girl didn’t acknowledge him.

“Go,” the rabbi said. “Do what he said.”

The intensity had waned and the rabbi couldn’t say why he felt another touch was in order. Still, he reached out.

“You must eat,” the rabbi said. He turned and dropped the needle back onto the album. Kaddish ignored the message in this, closing his eyes and listening to the music. “You can sleep it off,” the rabbi said. “We’ll put a blanket and a pillow on the floor in here. Rest tonight and tomorrow you’ll go home.”

Kaddish rocked forward and back in the chair. He squeezed his eyes so tightly they burned and he ground his teeth together to keep back the tears, because never ever had he not been sent away.

In the morning Kaddish stood before the rabbi, fed and cleaned and rested. Even in his beaten suit and stocking feet, he was much improved.

The rabbi was slipping his tallis back in its bag and offered Kaddish his tefillin. Kaddish shook his head, no.

“You’ve had enough to eat?” the rabbi said.

Kaddish nodded.

The rabbi pointed at Kaddish’s socks. “We wear shoes in this house,” he said. Worse, catching sight of that re-torn lapel without the parka to cover it, the rabbi knew it would not do.

“Let me give you a change of clothes.”

“I’m fine,” Kaddish said, but the granddaughter was called and given orders. She stared openly from her grandfather’s stomach to Kaddish’s gut.

“It’ll be a tight fit,” she said. Then she went off.

The rabbi affected a stern expression. “Jews don’t abandon their missing,” he said. “It’s best that you go back to Lillian. One can’t ever know who will return from war.”

“It is a war, though?”

“I think it might be,” the rabbi said. “But your worry is your son.”

“I won’t live as if Pato does. I already need his forgiveness for too many things.”

The rabbi stuffed his tefillin inside the tallis bag and zipped it up. “It’s Lillian’s forgiveness you should be getting.”

“I know what it is to be a husband,” Kaddish said. “I want to make peace with my son.”

“Why do you come here asking questions if there’s only one answer you’ll accept? If you want forgiveness from Pato, join Lillian and pray he returns. Forgiveness can only be asked in person or, God forbid, at the grave, both of which—”

“Call for a body,” Kaddish said. “Living or dead.”

“Yes,” the rabbi said.

The granddaughter returned with a black suit jacket and a white dress shirt. Kaddish thanked the girl and took the clothes down the hallway to change.

Kaddish came back wearing the jacket over his own shirt. (The rabbi’s was too narrow to button.) He put the navigator’s parka on over that, ready to go.

“For the food, for the clothes, for your kindness, I thank you,” Kaddish said. “Your advice, though, leaves me as always on the outside.”

“It’s the law,” the rabbi said. “I can’t change it for you.”

“I’m pretty sure you could,” Kaddish said. “I’m pretty sure you could
read it in a way that would fit with my life, instead of forcing my life into the law.”

“That’s your opinion,” the rabbi said. “And I already gave you mine. I’ve told you only what I think to be right.”

Kaddish shook his head.

“It’s not enough,” he said. “It’s coldhearted.”

The rabbi shook his own head, disappointed in turn. What was left for him to give this man? Everything Poznan does is wrong and the only comfort he will accept is to be told he’s right. The rabbi had done his best. He’d opened his home to this vandal, this—forgive him—son of a whore, and it wasn’t enough. And still, in this instant, the rabbi found more.

“If the boy is dead,” the rabbi said, “if the body is recovered, it would be my honor to perform the funeral myself. I will make you a beautiful ceremony, the first Poznan on the right side of the wall.”

“There’s only one right side,” Kaddish said. “I’ll help you climb over the wall myself. Otherwise, I don’t see any charity in dressing and feeding and housing a Jew who came to you desperate only for wisdom. No more than offering bread to a man dying of thirst.”

“I gave you an answer,” the rabbi said. “It wasn’t the one you wanted to hear. For that you fault me. And after I welcomed you into my home.”

“A funeral,” Kaddish said. “A grave. All I need from you is to know how.” Here Kaddish’s voice dropped and, the rabbi felt, turned threatening. “You can’t understand how excruciating it is for me that I even care. Mistreated by you forever, Rabbi, and still I want to do what’s right.”

“What’s right, Poznan?” the rabbi said. “Forget a funeral. You’re forbidden in these circumstances even to mourn.”

HATEFUL, A HATEFUL PREDICAMENT
: fearing one’s neighbors. Apartments, vertical living, it’s unnatural. Never meant to be. This is what Cacho thought, rushing in and pressing the button for the lobby while he pulled the gate closed. Worse, he could never tell when one of them was coming or going, that door always ajar.

Then, what else to expect, Lillian calling, “Hold the elevator, hold it.” Cacho winced. He could pretend he hadn’t heard. Except Cacho could not pretend. He felt guilty. Innocent of wrongdoing and guilty, guilty inside. The latch was a hair’s breadth from locking and he slid the gate back.

Cacho stared at his grip on the handle. Lillian stepped in and he could feel her facing him, feel the proximity of her crossed arms. Every floor down, Cacho believed, would shave another year off his life.

The elevator started and he gave Lillian a sidelong glance and nod. He couldn’t help but acknowledge her, torturous as it was.