The Mind Connection: How the Thoughts You Choose Affect Your Mood, Behavior, and Decisions (14 page)

Even after I did start wanting to change and began working with God toward my restoration, Dave still had to be patient because I was a work in progress, just as we all are. When you’re in relationship with someone who needs to change, or if you are the one who needs to change, be patient! Be happy for and celebrate the changes you do see no matter how small, and it will give you encouragement to press on and not give up. We are all still changing, including Dave and me.

Just three days ago, I said something to Dave in front of some of our friends that I should not have said. I firmly told him that he was wrong about something he said. I knew he didn’t like it, but he didn’t say anything to me. I knew immediately that I was
wrong and couldn’t wait to get in a place where I could apologize to him. Yesterday, I asked Dave to do something fairly minor for me, but it would have meant that he had to adjust his plans a little, and he said a firm “No!” I left it in God’s hands and went on about my business, and soon he came and apologized.

In both of these instances, God was given the opportunity to convict us of wrong behavior, and the situations were rectified quickly. But we often try to convince someone of bad behavior—we start an argument and nothing is ever solved. If we were more patient and willing to be quiet and wait on God, a lot of changes would take place more quickly. It is amazing how powerfully God can work when we are silent! The Holy Spirit is the One who convicts of sin and convinces us of righteousness (see John 16:8).

Patience and prayer working together accomplish great things, and we keep our peace while those things are getting done. God can do in a moment what we cannot accomplish in a lifetime!

I regret that there are people I have given up on over the years because I didn’t think they would ever change. Now I know that with God, all things are possible. I have seen some amazing changes in myself and other family members and friends. All of my children have turned out better than I imagined they would have when they were teenagers at home and driving me crazy. I won’t go into all the details, but each of them had their own unique set of “drive mom crazy” traits, which I was sure would prevent them from ever being productive adults.

Now two of our sons run the day-to-day activities of Joyce Meyer Ministries as well as all the media, the missions, and the management operations. One of our daughters is homeschooling
her children, as well as being busy in ministry as often as possible. Our other daughter assists me part-time, helping keep my life organized. By the way, she was the one who was so disorganized growing up that I thought she wouldn’t even be able to find herself once she left home.

As for the changes in me…
wow
! I am not even the same person I once was. I joke that Dave has been married to at least twenty versions of me over the forty-eight years we have been together. I sincerely want to encourage you one last time to believe that anyone can change. As I said earlier, you may not be able to be in a relationship with them the whole time they are deciding if they want to change or not, but you can still be very influential in their progress by praying and believing that change is possible with God. When you see or think of people you know who are difficult to deal with, don’t think of or talk about them as if they will never change! Try saying, “God, I believe _____________ can change, and I ask You to keep working with them until they do.”

• Nobody is beyond change. It may take a long time, but it can happen.

• We can love others because God loves us. He sets the perfect example of how to love.

• To endure means to outlast the problem. If you’re waiting for change to occur, don’t give up.

• We can’t change the people in our lives—only God can bring about real and lasting change.

• Supernatural change always comes from the inside out.

Did you ever look at someone and think,
What is wrong with you?
I have, and I am sure you have too. Why would we think that? It is usually because the person we are thinking about is simply not like we are.

When it comes to having good relationships, it is vital that we learn to accept the differences in all people. God creates us all differently on purpose. Those who are different from you are not just people who got in all the wrong lines when God was passing out personality traits. I have a friend who is so nice that I am surprised her name is not “Sugar.” I am working on it, but I doubt I will ever be as naturally nice as she is. I have thought,
Where was I when God handed out the “nice genes”?
I was right where I was supposed to be, getting what God wanted me to have, and so were you and everyone else. Let’s remember that God created each of us in our mother’s womb carefully and intricately (see Psalm 139:13–16). We are not mistakes just because we are not like someone else.

Two of my granddaughters from the same set of parents are
thirteen and fifteen years old. They don’t look alike, and they don’t act alike. One of them is a lot like me in looks and personality, and the other one is the exact opposite. One is a bottom-line, no-nonsense, and no-frills type of person. If you ask her a question, you had better be ready for her honest opinion, because she won’t try to soften the blow if what you are about to hear isn’t encouraging. The other girl is so sweet she drips with sweetness, and no matter what she says to you, she somehow makes it sound good.

If I were to ask Emily, the thirteen-year-old, if she liked my outfit and she didn’t, she would say, “No!” If I ask Abigail, the fifteen-year-old, if she didn’t like it, she might say something like, “Grandma, almost everything looks really good on you, and that one is all right, but you have things that make you look stunning!”

My daughter, Laura, asked Emily the other day what she was studying in history and her answer was, “People.” “Oh,” said Laura, and after a long pause she decided she would try again to stir up some conversation and said, “What time period are the people from?” and Emily answered, “Early.” If she had asked Abigail that same question, they would have had a thirty-to forty-five-minute discussion that included every tiny detail. Laura called me and we had a good laugh. It was a fresh reminder of just how different we all are and how important it is to accept that fact.

Thinking everyone should be like us is one of our biggest problems in relationships, and it causes a lot of wrong thinking and wrong attitudes that are damaging to healthy and satisfying marriages, friendships, and work relationships.

It still amazes me how much trouble I had getting along with people until I learned the important lesson that I am not the perfect standard for how people should be. You are probably thinking,
Joyce, you sure had a lot of problems
. Yes, I did, and I am glad I have been able to be honest with myself about them, because only
the truth sets us free. I have enjoyed a lot of victory and many wonderful breakthroughs and positive changes, and I know that anyone who wants to can also have the same thing.

Dave and I were shopping one time when he found a blouse he liked and was astonished when I didn’t like it. “What is wrong with it? How could you not like this? It would look great on you,” he said. There would have been a time in my life when I would have either felt that perhaps something was wrong with me because I didn’t like it, or I would have pretended I liked it just to make him happy, or I would have gotten angry because I felt he was trying to make me like it. None of those are good choices! But now I simply said (sweetly, of course), “I just don’t like it,” and I moved on to the next store. It is very freeing when we know who we are in Christ and we have the confidence to be the person He made us to be.

I don’t feel the need to apologize for how I see things and what I like or don’t like. Of course, in order to have that freedom, I need to give freedom to others, and I have learned to do so. I am still growing, of course, but at least I understand the importance of the principle and how it affects relationships.

If everyone in life were the same, you would be bored. The truth is that God has created us all differently on purpose, and although I don’t always understand why He created some people the way He did, I do know I am called by Him to love and accept them and not to think something is wrong with them because they don’t fit into my idea of “normal.” God loves variety and we should learn to love it also.

Just think how boring life would be if everyone and everything looked and behaved exactly alike. What if all people looked alike
and had the same temperament? What if every tree and flower were the same, and every bird, dog, cat, et cetera? Boring! We can learn to appreciate the variety of people God has placed in the world, and we can learn how to think about the differences in people in a way that honors God and improves our relationships.

How many people do we shut out of our lives, exclude, and criticize, making them feel inferior just because they are not like us? Probably more than we would care to count. We all connect with some people more than others, but even if we don’t want to be a person’s best friend, we can appreciate their uniqueness as God’s creation and make every effort to never make them feel insignificant.

One of the top needs that all people have is to feel significant. We want to feel that we matter, that we have value and purpose. Acceptance from others helps to make us feel that way. We can accept or reject someone without saying a word. I have been thinking about my facial expressions when someone or something they do seems strange to me. I open my eyes real wide, as if to say,
You think what?
I scrunch up my mouth, which then pushes my nose into a different position, and that says without words,
What is your problem?
Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief, indicating that I absolutely cannot believe the person did a thing, thinks a thing, or is doing a thing that I would not do. All of this is accomplished without words. If I add sighs, moans, groans, gasps, and descriptive body language, I have found several other ways to let people know I think something is wrong with them, and I still haven’t said a word.

If I do start talking to the person or about the person concerning their “ways,” I can do some major damage. The frightening thing
is that I can do and have done all of that, and not even given it a second thought. Wow! I am really sorry I’ve behaved this way, and I am more committed than ever to making people feel valuable.

Making people feel significant begins with how we think about them. We need to take time to consider how we think about the people in our lives. Is there anyone we approve of 100 percent? Probably not, but the percentage would go way up if we just realize they don’t need to be like us. They don’t have to think what we think, like what we like, share our opinions, or make the same choices we would in situations. God loves and accepts all of us, and He desires that we do the same thing with one another.

When someone has a totally different opinion from ours, instead of giving them a look like they are an alien from another planet, why not look at them and think,
I respect your right to your opinion, and I realize that the way I see things may not be right all the time
. If we think that way, we will talk that way and behave that way. When we tell someone about an idea we have and they offer one that is very different from ours, why not look at them and think with a smile,
I am open to other ideas, and I will consider yours
. This would be preferable to opening your mouth without any thought and blurting out, “Do you always have to disagree with me? That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard. Surely you don’t really think that would work?!”

Try making a list of the people that you deal with in life the most, and then go over the list often and do some “on-purpose thinking.” Think things like this on purpose:
[Person’s name] is valuable, they are gifted, and I need the variety they offer to my life. I appreciate their uniqueness, and I want to help them be all they can be.

Taking this positive viewpoint about people doesn’t mean that they have nothing in their personalities that needs to be changed or polished, but it does mean that we agree not to see ourselves as being more important and valuable than others. It also means that we agree that God is wise, and since He seems to love variety, then we need to embrace it also.

If you ask questions, you will find that most married people are married to someone who is vastly different from them in temperament. If people have multiple children, those children are all different from one another. We work with people that are all different, go to school with them, live in neighborhoods with them. What did God have in mind? He wants us to need and depend on each other. He gives each of us a part of the whole, but nobody gets it all. God gives each of us abilities and talents that differ from other people’s. Dave and I are soooooo different, but we stopped fighting about it long, long ago. Be wise enough to accept what you cannot change and realize that God has a plan. Submit to it and you will begin to benefit from it. God has given me
exactly
what I need in giving me Dave, but for way too many years, I only found fault with the things about him I didn’t like, instead of finding the value in what I did like.

Dave and I talk often about how great our relationship is now, and how it is good because we give each other the freedom to be our own unique selves. Don’t waste all the time we did and spin your wheels trying to make the people in your life be something they don’t know how to be. Learn from my mistakes and enjoy life sooner than I did.

You may be thinking of the things you don’t like about someone,
and even my suggestion of acceptance makes you fume. If so, I totally understand. I am not suggesting that we accept sinful behavior and applaud it, but I am urging you to accept other things that probably are not going to change. For instance, if your spouse or friend is quiet and you’re a talker, just be glad you have someone quiet enough to listen to you instead of telling them that they need to talk more. If you are aggressive and in a relationship with someone who is more laid-back and relaxed, be glad you have someone who will probably peacefully go along with most of what you want to do. I recall saying to Dave one time, “You need to be more aggressive.” He said, “You better be glad that I am the way I am or you would not be doing the things you are doing!” I saw the light! He was right—God had given me the right guy for the unique situation that we have.

I think sometimes we have difficulty in relationships because we have a worldview of how everyone should be. I may not be a normal wife or mother according to the accepted world standard, but I am a good one, and I believe I am one who is following God’s plan. Dave may not be like, or do all the things other husbands do, but he is awesome, happy, peaceful, amazing, and just right for me. Stop trying to put yourself or someone else into a box that they will never fit into and start celebrating your uniqueness.

Remember that the mind is connected to everything else. If you want better relationships, examine how you think about the people in your life. Ask God to help you see them the way that He does and to think about them the way that He does, and I can promise you that you will be happier and your relationships will improve.