The Mechanics of Being Human (2 page)

The man knelt in front of her. She fought down the urge to run back into the forest.

"Honey, what's wrong?" the man asked. "It's Dad."

"You're my dad?" She stole another puzzled glance at the trees, thinking of Jax and his stern face. "Really?"

Both her dad and the woman stole glances at each other and gasped. Officer Gordon swore and then ran his hand through his short hair. She knew he said a word she should not ever say. The angry, nasty stew returned in her heart, making her stomach turn. There wasn't a single memory of them. Worse yet, she felt guilty because of the wide-eyed, open-mouthed expressions on their faces when she told them so.

"Oh, honey, oh." The woman grasped her heart in an over dramatic manner, and her dad gave her a warning scowl. "And I'm your mom. Tell me you remember your mom."

My mom is a pumpkin?
She gasped, then sat up. She stared down at herself then up at her mom again. While she was thin and lean, her mom was plump and round. She glanced at her dad and saw his dark brown hair with coffee eyes. A strand of her hair hung in her face, which was the color of sun drenched sand. Disbelief caused her heart to ache. Where did she belong?

"You don't remember either of us." Her mom's face fell. "Oh, Oliver."

Her mom buried her head in her dad's shoulder, letting out a large, gasping sob. Officer Gordon grabbed her shoulder.

"You should get this girl to the hospital, Dee." Officer Gordon winced. "Sometime soon, we also want to ask her some questions."

"Now is not the time." Her dad glared at Officer Gordon. "My daughter doesn't remember anything."

"I'm sorry." Officer Gordon shot her dad an apologetic glance. "I know we went to college together, Oliver, but we still have to follow procedure eventually."

"I know." Her dad stole a fleeting look at her. "It's just… my daughter… Fawn, come here."

Blinking in confusion, she glanced from her dad to her mom. An image of a small baby deer with golden, rough fur and long, gangly legs filled her mind. A fawn was a baby deer. Once again, the name felt foreign, unlike the rush of familiarity she received when she got close to Jax.

"Fawn?" She bit her bottom lip. "I don't understand."

Her mom let another gasping sob. "She doesn't even know her own name. How can this be happening? Fawn is your name, honey."

"Let's get her to the ambulance." Her dad reached for her. "Can you walk?"

Fawn glanced down at her legs, then reached for her dad's hand. When she grasped his hand, his soft fingers felt odd to her. She longed for Jax's rough hands leading her home, bringing her back to where she belonged. Wherever that was. But still she allowed her dad to pull her to her feet where she wobbled just like the baby animal she had been named after. She regained the balance and gazed at the house's smoldering remains. The fire was gone and she could see the side of a crimson red truck peeking out from beyond the side of the house. A fire truck.

"Did we live here?" Fawn asked.

Her parents exchanged glances again, but her dad didn't answer her question. Instead he wrapped one careful arm around her shoulder and began to lead her back around the house. Her mom joined them and wrapped her plump arm around her other shoulder. The soft warmth of her mom's flesh against her shoulder blades didn't comfort her. How could she not recognize her mom's soft hands?

As Fawn staggered forward, she grew more and more uneasy when she wound around the front of the heap of blackened wood. She must have run out the back door during the fire, because a gray, flat road met a driveway with no incline. The driveway was small enough for only one car, police vehicles, a white ambulance with flashing lights, and the fire truck parked in the front lawn, smashing the green grass underneath black rubber tires. No other houses were in sight, only the endless forest. Where she'd seen Jax.

If only he hadn't brought her back to the house.

While Fawn bit her bottom lip and felt her heart stagger underneath the next crashing wave of bewilderment, her dad led her over to the white ambulance. An EMT in a navy uniform with dark red hair and bright blue eyes rushed over to her, but her dad stopped him by raising his long, thin hand in the air. As if her dad had some sort of super power, the man slowed down.

"Drive us to the hospital." Her dad glanced at her. "I'll have a look at her myself."

The EMT peered at her warily, then turned to look over his shoulder at a second EMT. The second EMT had dark brown hair looping over her upper back and chestnut eyes. She approached the three of them and helped Fawn clamber clumsily up into the ambulance. Once Fawn stood on the inside of the ambulance, the walls of the vehicle pressed in around her. The female EMT wound around the side of the truck and disappeared. The male EMT stared at her with eyebrows raised, then stole another uncertain glance at her dad who climbed into the ambulance behind her.

"Where are we going?" Fawn asked.

"The hospital, Fawn." Her dad gave her arm a gentle squeeze. For reasons unknown to her, his touch made her feel twisted on the inside. "The hospital where I work as a doctor, remember? I'll look at you there. The police will probably come to ask you some questions about what happened. After that, we'll take you…somewhere. I don't know. This was the only place we had. It was our home."

Fawn stared forward and got a lingering, confusing flash of another house. It was dark and smelled of leather and oil. She could hardly see, but what she could make out appeared too dark and filled with static. A table and chair were to her right; positioned next to heaping stacks of books. In the background, she could make out the sound of distant, though familiar, muttering.
Home. That's home.
This place was
not
home. Her fists clenched as she stared at the floor of the ambulance.

Her dad nudged her with his elbow. Deep down, she knew he was trying to comfort her. But she wished she could stop the unfamiliar churning in her heart that told her the reason he tried to comfort her wasn't because of the smoldering house at all.

****

Fawn sat in a white on white room. She lay in a bed with scratchy white sheets with a metal tray attached to it. Next to the bed sat a single fat grape-colored chair, the only furniture in the room with color. Constantly, she switched positions on the bed, wishing to escape from the discomfort and the assault on her nose. This place, this hospital, smelled of canned green beans and cleaning solution. She didn't like the scent and willed it to go away. More than anything, she longed for the smell of leather again, but Jax's coat had been taken away when she reached the hospital and was replaced by a dress that made her skin almost as itchy as the white sheets did.

As Fawn sat on her cot, the door squeaked open, and she glanced up hopefully. Her dad walked through the door wearing mint green scrubs and a grimace. All hope he came to take her out of this awful hospital disintegrated. Behind her dad stood Officer Gordon with a pen and paper in hand. His face was covered in sweat and droopy bags hung beneath his eyes. Fawn was under the impression he slept as little last night as she did.

"Fawn, Officer Gordon has to ask you some questions about the accident at the house." Her dad stole a nervous glance at Officer Gordon. "He wants you to answer as honestly as you can. Are you able to do that?"

A bolt of nervous energy shot through Fawn. How could she expect to answer questions when her head was empty? How could she tell Officer Gordon the only things she recognized were the smell of leather, Jax's face, and now an old basement filled with stacks of yellowing books? She stared at Officer Gordon and let out a small whimper.

"No need to be so scared, young lady." Officer Gordon smiled encouragingly at her, though the smile didn't reach his eyes. "You aren't in trouble here. We are just trying to figure out why your house burned down and…whatever else happened to you."

"Whatever else happened to me?" Fawn's mouth dropped as she glanced at her dad. "Dad, did something else happen? Is there something wrong?"

"No, no, no." Her dad raised his hands. "Nothing happened to you, Fawn. At least, not that we know of. Unless you remember something?"

Fawn shook her head, but bit her bottom lip. No guarantees could be given with her mind the way it was.

"We'll start at the beginning, then." Officer Gordon glanced around the room. "I'll sit down, and we can get started, Ms. Shelley."

"Ms. Shelley?" Fawn glanced at her dad. Her dad winced and pushed his spectacles farther up his nose. They fell right back down again.

"That's your full name, Fawn." Her dad gave a sad sigh. "Fawn Rosa-Lee Shelley. You're sixteen years old. We just moved back here to Spokane after spending the last five years in Mesquite, Nevada. I grew up here. Don't you remember any of that?"

Her dad's heartbroken expression made her want to say yes, even if she didn't remember even a smidgeon of those memories. She recalled no hot desert, nothing that hinted she had once lived in Nevada. No feelings were behind these images. It was just a sequence, a power point set off by her dad's words. She didn't understand how a place she called her home for five years could cause such a lack of feeling in her heart. Right now she trembled with so much emotion she wanted to run through the hospital screaming in desperation.

When Fawn didn't answer, her dad slumped his shoulders then leaned against the wall. Officer Gordon squeezed his shoulder and then took a seat in the fat grape chair. He gave her an apologetic look and she forced a smile.

"I'm sorry to have to ask you these questions. This must be a difficult time for you." Officer Gordon glanced at her dad now too, a frown on his face. "We believe we know what happened, but we want to clarify it with you. Unfortunately, your sudden lack of memory doesn't make sense with what we think happened. Your dad also needs a report for the insurance so we can get you guys in another house."

Fawn nodded slowly, a frown on her face. "I understand, but I don't remember anything."

Officer Gordon gave her a searching stare, trying to see the story instead of just hear it. "Tell me what you do remember."

"I woke up inside the burning house. I didn't know my name or who I was. I didn't even recognize
where
I was. When I left the house, I realized I was naked. I was so confused..." She frowned down at her hands, trying to piece together the events of the evening. "When I left the house, I was so confused by the sound of the sirens I ran into the woods and…"

With a frown, Fawn bit her bottom lip. She thought of Jax and the comfort she felt in his hands. When she wore his jacket, she'd felt the closest to being safe since waking up. She didn't want to hurt him by getting him involved, but if he burned down her house, then he was dangerous.

"And?" Officer Gordon raised an eyebrow.

"Go on, Fawn." Her dad nodded at her.

"I saw Uncle Jax there. He told me to go back to the house. When I didn't, he gave me the coat and made me cover myself up. He said he didn't want me to run around without clothes." She stole a frightened glance at her dad whose face didn't change. Shouldn't he have been shocked her uncle was wandering the woods? "He brought me back to the house and pushed me over to you. I think he was trying to protect me. I don't know why, but when I saw him, I just…I know he's not a bad person. I know he isn't."

Shocked silence filled the hospital room. Fawn's own words rung in her ears. "I know he's not a bad person." She didn't know why she tried so hard to protect him. It was highly probable he was the person who burned down the house. Yet she couldn't forget about him, and she wanted to protect him too.

"So he was outside the house." Officer Gordon nodded his head. "And he gave you his coat? You think he wanted to protect you?"

"Yes." Her mouth tightened. "I
know
he did."

"That's interesting, because we have physical evidence the man you speak of attempted to burn down your house while you were in the shower." Officer Gordon frowned and shook his head at his notepad again.

"Maybe he didn't know I was in the house," she blurted out.

Both Officer Gordon and her dad exchanged glances again. Fawn's heart ached. She tried to imagine Jax running around her home with gasoline and a torch. The image didn't seem right to her. She longed for the answer.
Remember. Remember what happened. You have to remember.
Unlike the slideshow that appeared whenever she looked around her new and unfamiliar surroundings, nothing appeared. She didn't receive a flash of memory letting her know that grapes were purple or that tree leaves were green. Anger at herself burned strong in her heart. Her brows furrowed as she searched through the blackness. She wanted something, anything, to hold onto.

"Easy there, Fawn." Her dad rushed forward and grabbed her arm. "You look like you're going to blow a circuit. Let this all come naturally. Don't strain yourself so much."

"
Naturally
?" Fawn's voice grew high-pitched as fire built within her. "I can't remember who I am or where I live. I'm so confused. The only person I have any memories of at all is Jax, who escorted me back to a place I supposedly called home but know nothing about. I can't help but think it's him I should be with right now, but apparently, the only man I trust tried to kill me. Please don't tell me not to strain myself when I feel like my head is going to burst open."

Silence fell across the room as her dad stared down at Fawn in openmouthed silence. Officer Gordon's hand quivered and his pen fell to the ground with a ‘tink'. Suddenly, she wished she could gather up her words and shove them back into her mouth again. She could tell by her dad's wide-eyed expression he was concerned, maybe even hurt. He had a right to be. After all, he now knew she didn't feel safe around him. Just because she thought something didn't mean she should say it and insult somebody.

"I'm sorry." Fawn stared down at her clenched fists. "It's just…none of this feels fair."

"It isn't fair." Her dad's eyes softened, and he gently tugged a lock of Fawn's sandy hair. "You're doing the best you can. Don't worry about what you said."

Officer Gordon cleared his throat then stood up. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. "I'll leave now. You gave me some things to think about, Fawn. Maybe we can help ease your mind about your lack of memories. Something happened to you. I just wish I knew what."

Her dad whirled around. "I'll escort you out."

As Fawn watched the two of them head toward the door, crushing solitude pounded in her heart. She felt loneliness sink into her bones, into her very core. Nobody understood her. Yet she looked like them, talked like them, behaved like them. Maybe she just felt lonely because she couldn't remember who she was. Losing her identity stole the one person she counted on right now—herself.