The Meaning of Liff

AASLEAGH (n.)

A liqueur made only for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long bottle party when all the drinkable drink has been drunk.

ABERBEEG (vb.)

Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent is considered sufficient).

ABERCRAVE (vb.)

To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a bus.

ABERYSTWYTH (n.)

A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.

ABILENE (adj.)

Descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the pillow.

ABINGER (n.)

One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.

ABOYNE (vb.)

To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.

ACLE (n.)

The rouge pin which shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of a new shirt. Its function is to stab you when you don the garment.

ADLESTROP (n.)

That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special 'quick release' feature which enables the case to flip open at this point and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.

ADRIGOLE (n.)

The centrepiece of a merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets stands unnervingly still.

AFFCOT (n.)

The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.

AFFPUDDLE (n.)

A puddle which is hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know it's there when you step on the paving stone and the puddle shoots up your leg.

AGGLETHORPE (n.)

A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.

AHENNY (adj.)

The way people stand when examining other people's bookshelves.

AIGBURTH (n.)

Any piece of readily identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.

AINDERBY QUERNHOW (n.)

One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the English language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all until they started complaining that they couldn't use it any more.

AINDERBY STEEPLE (n.)

One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and saying 'and I'll tell you why I ask...' and then talking solidly for the next hour.

AINSWORTH (n.)

The length of time it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence, also, how long we will have to wait for the abolition of income tax or the Second Coming.

AIRD OF SLEAT (n. archaic)

Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now occupided by Heathrow Airport.

AITH (n.)

The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.

ALBUQUERQUE (n.)

A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to identify yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.

ALDCLUNE (n.)

One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.

ALLTAMI (n.)

The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.

AMBLESIDE (n.)

A talk given about the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.

AMERSHAM (n.)

The sneeze which tickles but never comes. (Thought to derive from the Metropolitan Line tube station of the same name where the rails always rattle but the train never arrives.)

AMLWCH (n.)

A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regularly washed and resealed in clingfilm.

ARAGLIN (n. archaic)

A medieval practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant the afternoon he is due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at the castle the squires attempt to raise the drawbridge very suddenly as the knight and his charger step on to it.

ARDCRONY (n.)

A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by someone trying to impress people.

ARDSCALPSIE (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your hair.

ARDSCULL (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the ardscalpsie (q.v.).

ARDSLIGNISH (adj.)

Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are tired.

ARTICLAVE (n.)

A clever architectural construction designed to give the illusion from the top deck of a bus that it is far too big for the road.

AYNHO (vb.)

Of waiters, never to have a pen.

BABWORTH

Something which justifies having a really good cry.

BALDOCK

The sharp prong on the top of a tree stump where the tree has snapped off before being completely sawn through.

BALLYCUMBER

One of the six half-read books lying somewhere in your bed.

BANFF

Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph taken.

BANTEER

A lusty and raucous old ballad sung after a particulary spectacular araglin (q.v.) has been pulled off.

BARSTIBLEY

A humorous device such as a china horse or small naked porcelain infant which jocular hosts use of piss water into your Scotch with.

BAUGHURST

That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.

BAUMBER

A fitted elasticated bottom sheet which turns your mattress bananashaped.

BEALINGS

The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval Flanders, soup made from bealins was a very slightly sought-after delicacy.

BEAULIEU HILL

The optimum vantage point from which one to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street.

BECCLES

The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed guerrilla dentist.

BEDFONT

A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the chamber-maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your bottom sheet.

BELPER

A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under a deck's top, under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.

BENBURB

The sort of man who becomes a returning officer.

BEREPPER

The irrevocable and sturdy fart released in the presence of royalty, which sounds quite like a small motorbike passing by (but not enough to be confused with one).

BERKHAMSTED

The massive three-course midmorning blow-out enjoyed by a dieter who has already done his or her slimming duty by having a teaspoonful of cottage cheese for breakfast.

BERY POMEROY

1. The shape of a gourmet's lips. 2. The droplet of saliva which hangs from them.

BILBSTER

A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with sticking plaster and pretend you've cut yourself shaving.

BISHOP'S CAUNDLE

An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.

BLEAN

Scientific measure of luminosity : 1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans. Usherettes' torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans, enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people or putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.

BLITHBURY

A look someone gives you by which you become aware that they're much too drunk to have understood anything you've said to them in the last twenty minutes.

BLITTERLESS

The little slivers of bamboo picked off a cane chair by a nervous guest which litter the carpet beneath and tell the chair's owner that the whole piece of furniture is about to uncoil terribly and slowly until it resembles a giant pencil sharpening.

BODMIN

The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.

BOLSOVER

One of those brown plastic trays with bumps on, placed upside down in boxes of chocolates to make you think you're-getting two layers.

BONKLE

Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the night, particularly at about five o'clock in the morning.

BOOLTEENS

The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.

BOOTHBY GRAFFOE

1. The man in the pub who slaps people on the back as if they were old friends, when in fact he has no friends, largely on account of this habit. 2. Any story told by Robert Morley on chat shows.

BOSCASTLE

A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a supermarket.

BOSEMAN

One who spends all day loafing about near pedestrian crossing looking as if he's about to cross.

BOTCHERBY

The principle by which British roads are signposted.

BOTLEY

The prominent stain on a man's trouser crotch seen on his return from the lavatory. A botley proper is caused by an accident with the push taps, and should not be confused with any stain caused by insufficient waggling of the willy.

BOTOLPHS

Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect to wear on the sides of their noses.

BOTUSFLEMING

A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the contents of a patient's nostrils prior to a sinus operation.

BRADFORD

A school teacher's old hairy jacket, now severely discoloured by chalk dust, ink, egg and the precipitations of unedifying chemical reactions.

BRADWORTHY

One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.

BRECON

That part of the toenail which is designed to snag on nylon sheets.

BRISBANE

A perfectly reasonable explanation (Such as the one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke fifty cigarettes a day.)

BROATS

A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly seen on elderly retired army officers. Originally the brats were part of their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were demounted and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they were, the broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as part of the best suit again.

BROMPTON

A bromton is that which is said to have been committed when you are convinced you are about to blow off with a resounding trumpeting noise in a public place and all that actually slips out is a tiny 'pfpt'.

BROMSGROVE

Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about forty-five tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes claiming to be sculpture. 'Oh, come my dear, and come with me. And wander 'neath the bromsgrove tree' - Betjeman.

BROUGH SOWERBY

One who has been working at that same desk in the same office for fifteen years and has very much his own ideas about why he is continually passed over for promotion.

BRUMBY

The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whisky bottle.

BRYMBO

The single unappetising bun left in a baker's shop after four p.m.

BUDBY