The Manual: What Women Want and How to Give It to Them (3 page)

Semantically

Most people seem to believe that what constitutes feminine and masculine behavior is dynamic and may change over time as the behavior of the majority of a sex changes. Some scholars even list examples from history of such changes, but they mistake expressions of femininity for femininity itself and expressions of masculinity for masculinity itself. The majority of males do not have to adopt a trait for it to become a masculine trait. In fact, many males, perhaps even the majority these days, are more timid than brave, but being timid will never be considered masculine because the majority does not set the standards. Biology does, and to be timid is more a sign of vulnerability than bravery; hence, it is more suitable for females, at least in our natural environment where they were more likely to survive and reproduce if they avoided risks.

All the qualities that males are attracted to in females are what we call
feminine
and all the qualities that females are attracted to in males are what we call
masculine
. Thus, both
femininity
and
masculinity
refer to the appearance of the biological differences that exist between our two sexes; females can bear and feed children but at the cost of being physically more vulnerable.
The terms refer to the biological characteristic of a male and a female and not just traits that have traditionally been seen as appropriate for males and females for random reasons.

This is how I define these words, and just as you have to understand what I mean when I mention femininity and masculinity, you have to understand what I mean when I talk about females, males, women, and men.

Males are attracted to feminine females. The more feminine a female is, the more of a woman she is and the more attractive she will be to males. Similarly, females are attracted to masculine males, and the more masculine a male is, the more of a man he is and the more attractive he will be to females. Therefore, I use the term women to mean “feminine females” and the term men to mean “masculine males.”

Please note that this semantic differentiation between “females” and “women” means that, whenever I refer to women, I am talking about females who are attractive to most males, the top 10% or so of females that males are really interested in. Thus, a statement such as “the majority of women want” is very different from a statement such as “the majority of females want.” I do not care about what the majority of females want, and neither should you as the majority of females are unattractive. On the other hand, all women are attractive by this definition, and this book is about “what
women
want.”

Visibility

Femininity is about being a sexually suitable female. Such an individual is two things: (1) she is born female and (2) she has a beautiful body. Both qualities are easily captured in a photo. Meanwhile, masculinity is about being a sexually suitable male. Such an individual is two things: (1) he is born male and (2) he
is less vulnerable than females. But only one of those qualities is easily captured in a photo. Considering that a picture is worth a thousand words, this suggests that masculinity is much harder to describe and demonstrate than femininity is — which has ultimately led to great confusion.

What a female wants in a male has little to do with his body and more to do with his behavior. Although all behavior manifests itself in appearance, the qualities females seek in males are much harder to capture with a photographic lens than the traits that males seek in females. A photo can easily show whether a person is male or female, and this manmade technology is very good at capturing femininity, or showing how much of a woman a female is. An observer can easily tell that a female is more feminine than another by comparing the curves of her body, for instance, but one cannot as easily determine if a male is more masculine.

Many males know the visual traits they want in a female pretty well, like highly tangible and obvious physical features such as round boobs, a certain waist-to-hip ratio, and a youthful looking face. They are even used to judging a female from afar and then checking her physical qualities against their mental list to see how good of a match she is, sometimes even rating her on a scale from zero to ten.

However, females cannot do the same as easily when they see males. Most males erroneously assume that females have the same list of visual qualities they do, despite seeing many couples that contradict it, including obviously ugly or fat males with gorgeous and fit females. Take the cover of male’s and female’s magazines. On the cover of your typical “men’s” magazine is usually a beautiful female, and on the cover of your typical “woman’s” magazine is a beautiful female as well, not a beautiful male, not
any
kind of male.

The evidence is right there if you only look for it, but as most males are unaware that females
are
attracted to other qualities, and since people tend to see what they want to see, their approach causes them to overlook reality.

Most of the traits that females are in fact attracted to exist more internally than externally, and they are arcane and hard to explain, such as attitude, behavior, and how comfortable a male can make a female feel, in contrast to body proportions, height, and penis size (to name only a few things that males are always worried about and that researchers in this field tend to focus on as well).

That females are not primarily attracted to physical qualities in males also means they cannot assign males to the same kinds of categories that males assign to females (e.g., height) and then draw any useful conclusions from the category. Yet, many females still insist on doing this, at least when males ask them to, and that is why they sometimes end up surprised, confused, and intrigued when they are drawn to a man who does not fit their predetermined visual category.

Intentionally

While many females are not particularly feminine, and many males are not particularly masculine, those that lack femininity or masculinity are not neutral. They are simply at the opposite side of the spectrum. This means that the least feminine females are actually masculine, and the least masculine males are actually feminine. They are the least attractive individuals to the opposite sex. While we cannot control our sex (we are born either male or female), we can control how masculine and how feminine we appear, and if we want to be successful with the opposite sex, we definitely should maximize our attractiveness by controlling
our appearance, as we are always somewhere on the spectrum.

How masculine you appear and thus how attractive females think you are depends on how you present yourself, whether you diminish or exaggerate the fact that you were born as a male with everything that entails.

To “be” a man includes the need to avoid acting like women in general. Thus, a good start in understanding how to be masculine is learning and becoming aware of how women behave, what typical feminine behavior is, and how to avoid it or even to do the complete opposite. To be a man is often more about avoiding how women walk and talk rather than actually doing traditionally manly things. You do not need to binge on beer, hunt animals, or watch sports to act like a man. I personally do not care for any of those things, as I would much rather spend my time drinking with, chasing after, and looking at
women
.

However, to successfully avoid typical feminine behavior, you have to understand what that is; the underlying basis of femininity is the biological difference we have already discussed. As females
are
physically more vulnerable than males, typical feminine behavior includes expressions of this vulnerability, primarily to be emotional — to show emotions of weakness or to allow yourself to be led by such emotions.

Women express their greater vulnerability in a multitude of ways. They weep more easily, scream when surprised, avoid all kinds of risks, exaggerate every hint of pain, make more noise when making an effort, avoid physical labor altogether, depend more on others to help and support them, try to avoid conflicts, build more consensus in social settings by talking more without voicing disagreements, are more interested in collaboration than competition, attack their enemies behind their backs in more psychological than physical ways, prefer more comfortable indoor
jobs than hazardous outdoor occupations, keep their knees and elbows closer to their bodies as to cover themselves more, etc.

You have probably noticed manifestations of all this behavior in women already, but maybe failed to realize that they are all actually expressions of vulnerability, and when seen in that light, that type of behavior usually makes a lot more sense. Many males have noticed that women are emotional, but have drawn the erroneous conclusion that they are irrational too, which is untrue. Women are not men, so it would not be rational for them to act like men, and since females are more vulnerable than males, it makes sense for them to be raised differently, too. That is why females’ socialization teaches them how to exaggerate their biological difference from males and to express it freely, although both the teaching and the expressing are mostly done nonconsciously (without awareness).

Acceptability

Men learn early on to deal with or ignore emotions that are considered vulnerable and weak, rather than expressing and airing them the way females are allowed to do. Boys are taught to appear stronger and to “act like a man,” while girls are allowed to express emotions of weakness such as fear and insecurity. All men feel these emotions as well, to the same extent as women, but they repress or ignore them.

For example, by being told “
boys
don’t cry” and “crying like a
girl
” while growing up, men learn what is considered appropriate behavior for men and for women, and those things that are okay for women are almost always considered unacceptable for men. That is why boys are told that they are crying “like a girl,” with the implication that crying is not suitable for a boy, instead
of being told directly to stop crying. Through similar differences in treatment, women are taught that it is okay to listen to their vulnerable feelings and that it is okay to avoid doing something if they do not feel like it. Boys who fall off their bikes when they are young are told to get right back up instead of crying, while girls are excused, pampered, and allowed to take a break for the day until they feel like trying again.

Although many of the expressions of masculinity and femininity are the result of social constructs, as boys and girls are traditionally raised differently with different behaviors encouraged and expected of each, this has no effect on what masculinity or femininity really is. The idea that females are more vulnerable than males is not a social construct but a biological fact.

As a result of this, any male who appears vulnerable will thus be unattractive to females — as he will be feminine. Hence, men are not emotional, and women are not attracted to males who either show weak emotion or allow themselves to be led by such emotions. If a male’s behavior is too feminine too often, women will feel repulsed no matter how much they believe they want a male to be “in touch with his feminine side,” a trait they sometimes claim to want, but actually do not.

When women state that they want a male who is unafraid to let his emotions out, they mean that they want to hear how a male really feels about
them
, how much he cares about them, how good they make him feel, how much he really loves them, and so on, because he has done a poor job of expressing this lately or ever. The women want him to be more charming, not more feminine.

It is perfectly alright and even desirable for a male to show his emotions — to be expressive and passionate instead of being expressionless and cold, as long as he is not showing
weak
emotions or allowing himself to be led by them.

The males who are most unattractive to females are already too feminine. They act or talk too much like women, and they usually do this because they are thinking the same way women are. They have no confidence in taking the risks that are necessary both to be masculine and to seduce women. While being emotional and indirect are expressions of femininity, being confident and direct are expressions of masculinity. Just as you cannot be both direct and indirect at the same time, you cannot be confident and emotional at the same time. These two behaviors also occupy opposite ends of the same spectrum: You will not appear very sure of yourself, which “being confident” means, if you make a decision only to change your mind because you do not
feel
like it anymore or if you have to take initiatives but cannot because you
feel
afraid.

Ideally, this chapter would have ended here and we could continue to discuss confidence right away, but unfortunately, ideas start to get complicated at this stage. From a society’s point of view, it is not desirable to keep sex simple, to raise males to be confident with women for no reason or to raise females to carelessly have sex with all males they want, because the success of society requires not only individuals to have sex and bear children, but also to ensure that their offspring are cared for until they can reproduce on their own.

While becoming pregnant for a female has been and still is one of the most dangerous situations she could both voluntary and involuntary get herself into, the most successful societies throughout time have required as many females as possible to be as sexually cautious as possible.

For this reason we have the unnatural tradition of marriage that is found in all cultures today, as well as the implementation of alimony in the form of financial support for females after divorce
was made legal and marriage no longer protected them. All societies that have survived had social structures that reinforced and exaggerated the biological differences between males and females and treated females as more vulnerable,
but
also as more valuable, than males — even to the extent of protecting females’ lives with the sacrifice of males’ lives.