The Love Sucks Club (12 page)

“Besides which, a U-Haul would never make it up this road.”

Laughing, she gives me another squeeze. “I’m going home. Walk me
to the door and get some work done. You’ll feel better.”

“Tell me what to do about everything,” I implore.

She takes my hand and walks me to the front door. “I don’t know
what to tell you, Dana. I think you should get back into meditating, but I’m
worried about the visions.”

“Me too.
It seems that whenever I let my
guard down, they creep back in.”

“Maybe you should go to a meditation group. Get help from a
professional guide.”

“Maybe,” I answer flatly.

“Call me later,” she says, stretching up to kiss me once more on
the tip of my nose.

Touching her cheek, I smile at her, happy that she’s in my life.
“I will.”

I open the door to let her out and we both stop, staring at the
enormous tent that is erected in my front yard. Gaping at the monstrosity, I’m
trying to wrap my mind around it. Turning to look at Roxanne, I manage to ask,
“Is there a giant purple tent in my yard?”

Before she can answer, Voldemort pops her head out of the flap.
She’s wearing cargo shorts and a t-back and she has a mesh bag in her hand.

“Hi,” she says, smiling. “I was hoping I could use your shower.”

Chapter Ten

Police in the States have a motto- To Protect and Serve. The
Island police have a motto as well– Protect and Serve Yourself. After several
failed attempts to get through to a live voice at the emergency number, I
finally got someone to answer and my cell signal dropped the call. “I hate this
fucking island,” I yell at the kitchen wall.

Roxanne smiles sympathetically over her shoulder. She’s decided
that a pot of coffee is the best response to this situation. Standing on one
foot with my neck craned toward the window, I redial the police and listen to
the recording. “Jesus. I mean, what if I was being murdered?”

Shrugging, Roxanne finishes setting up the coffee and switches it
on. “You’d be dead already? Your final gargled words would live in infamy on
the Island police voice mail?”

“You are so funny.”

Roxanne looks up at a persistent knock on the door. Walking over
to the window, she glances out, and then opens the door to admit Sam, relocking
the door behind her.

Sam gestures over her shoulder back to the door. “I’m guessing you
already know this, but your ex-girlfriend is brewing coffee on a camp stove in
your front yard.”

“I’m aware.”

She grins. “There are so many ways to go with this. I’m not sure
how to begin.”

Roxanne hands her a cup of coffee. “Well, since we’re all here, we
could call this a meeting of The Love Sucks Club. Agenda item number one –
Dana’s ex-girlfriend has decided to camp out in her yard for the foreseeable
future.
Action item ideas?
Anyone?”

They both laugh and I raise my middle finger in their general
direction. “I’m so glad that my miserable life is giving the two of you such
pleasure.”

Sam grins and pops open a beer. “What the hell is she doing here
anyway?”

“Last time I talked to her, which let me remind you
was
when she kidnapped me and threatened me, she was in
danger of getting kicked out of her apartment. She wanted me to give her a loan
so she could pay the rent.”

“You didn’t give her the money,” Roxanne says.

“Obviously.
Why she can’t camp somewhere
else is completely beyond me.”

Perched on my counter, Sam shrugs. “Well, it’s a relatively safe
location. On the beach she’d have to worry about getting killed or robbed. This
way, she can leave her stuff and it will be fine when she gets back.”

“It won’t be fine” I growl. “I’m going to pitch it all as soon as
she leaves.”

Roxanne looks pained. “It’s just...”

“What, Roxanne?” I snap.

“She is so desperate that she has resorted to pitching a tent in
her ex-girlfriend’s yard. Obviously something is really wrong.”

“Yeah, and whatever it is doesn’t involve me.”

Sam nods. “I agree. Dana doesn’t owe her anything.”

Listening to the police recording for the fifteenth time, I nod
toward Sam.
“Quite the opposite, in fact.”

“I just think we should try to find out what’s wrong. Maybe we can
help in ways that don’t involve giving her money.”

“
Rox
, listen to me. She spent our entire
relationship taking everything she could get from me. And I let her because I
thought I deserved to be treated like that.”

“And now you know that you deserve better?”

“Now I don’t know what I deserve, but I don’t want to live with
someone who treats me like shit. Not ever again.”

Sam stands up. “Want me to get rid of her?”

Holding up my hand, I motion her to wait. A live human being is
finally talking to me on the phone. “Yes, police, thank you. I need a squad car
sent to my house.”

“What’s the nature of your emergency?”

“A woman has set up her tent in my yard.”

I can hear the woman’s gum snapping in the long pause that follows
my statement. “A woman has set up a tent in your yard?”

“Without my permission.”

“I see.”

“You probably don’t. She’s my ex-girlfriend and she threatened me
earlier. Now she’s camping in my yard.”

“And she has threatened you?”

“Well, she wouldn’t let me out of her car earlier?”

“She forced you into her car?”

“Not exactly.
I fainted and she put me in her
car.”

Another long pause for the woman
on the other end of the phone to chew her gum and digest what I’m telling her.
“So she helped you into her
car.”

“None of this has anything to do with the fact that she is now trespassing
on my property.”

“In a tent.”

“Yes.”

“Have you asked her why she’s there?”

“I know why she’s here.”

“Ma’am, give me your address and I’ll send a squad car.”

“Today?”

“Your address, ma’am.”

Sighing, I give her my address and hang up. Sam is already
laughing before I hang up the phone. “How long do you think it will take for
the cops to get here?”

“Considering we called
them
when the
Grill was being held up at gunpoint and they didn’t show up until six hours
later, I’m guessing never.”

Roxanne shakes her head. “I called once when I overhead my
neighbors having a violent argument. I was put on hold and then promised a
squad car. No one ever showed up. I called the next day to ask about it and the
lady on the phone said she had no record of me calling.”

“Of course not,” Sam scoffed. “If it doesn’t directly involve
their friends or family, they don’t bother. And why would they? It’s not like
there’s ever any recourse.”

“So what do I do?”

Roxanne pats my shoulder. “I think we should talk to her.”

Sam claps her hands together and jumps off the counter. “Yeah, so
do
I
.”

“Sam.” Roxanne gives her a warning look. “Let’s agree to be
civil.”

“I’m always civil.”

“Please.” Roxanne rolls her eyes, but gives Sam a one armed hug.
“Let’s just hear her out if nothing else.”

I don’t know if I want to do this, but if I can’t do it with
Roxanne and Sam around me, I can’t ever do it. I’m pretty sure Sam could take
my ex in a fair fight, if it comes to that. I just don’t want it to come to
that. I want her to be out of my life without any hassle. Maybe in the end
that’s all I want out of life. I just want to be left alone. Nodding to my
friends, I unlock the door and step out into the sunshine. The beauty of the
day again belies the surreal events taking place in my life. If Fran were here,
I think she’d be laughing her ass off. Then again, if Fran had never died, I
would never have started dating Voldemort. Speaking of which, she’s no longer
outside of my house. The tent is still there, but everything is neatly packed
and her vehicle is gone.

Sam peeks into the tent and glances around. “Her clothes are
here.” She glances up at the tarp strung up above the tent. “She has a good setup
here. It’s a good tent and the tarp should help protect her from a moderate
rain.”

“How joyous,” I intone. “I’d hate for her to be inconvenienced.”

Roxanne puts her arm around my shoulders. “I think either Sam or
myself
should stay here at all times until she’s gone.”

Sam flexes her biceps. “No offense, Roxy, but this is going to
take a butch.”

Rolling her eyes again, Roxanne grins at Sam. “And I think it’s
going to take a diplomacy that you both lack.”

We all pause at the sound of an engine coming up the driveway. Sam
raises her eyebrow and steps slightly in front of me. When the vehicle crests
the hills and comes into sight from the tree line, we all breathe a sigh of
relief.

“I should have recognized that jeep whine,” I grin as Susannah
pulls up to the door. She looks at the tent as she gets out of her jeep.

“Are you having a camp out?”

“It’s a long story,” Sam says. “Let’s go back inside and we’ll
fill you in.”

Roxanne nods. “We can leave the door open and we’ll hear her
engine when she comes back.”

“When who comes back?”
Susannah looks from one face to
the next.

I usher her inside and we all perch around the kitchen again.
Roxanne pours coffee and hands Sam a beer.

Sam and Roxanne fill Susannah in on the latest happenings while
I
pace around my kitchen, irritated. I will not be held
prisoner in my own home. If the cops don’t show up to take care of my
trespasser, I’m going to have to take care of her myself.

Roxanne gets to the part where my ex asked for a shower and
Susannah laughs. “Man, she is nothing if not ballsy.”

“Oh, yes, she’s certainly that.” Glaring at my sister, I stalk
into my bedroom and rummage in the closet until I find a baseball bat. Roxanne
intercepts me as I come back into the kitchen and head for the door.

“Dana, come on. What are you going to do? Beat her tent to death?”

Aware that I’m losing it, and
unable to stop myself, I raise my voice.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do! I really have no
fucking idea what I’m going to do. I’m trying to figure it out and it isn’t
easy with the three of you sitting here gossiping about my life like a bunch of
bitches at a tea party.”

Sam grins. “I’ve never been to a tea party in my life.”

Deflating, I punch her on the shoulder and drop the bat on the
counter. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I just know that I want her gone.”

“Well, let’s start by taking her tent down,” Susannah offers. “I
mean, it’s not like we’re doing anything wrong. We’re just cleaning up your
yard.”

We all traipse outside and start pulling stuff out of tent. She
has several boxes and a few duffle bags in here. I’m not sure where the rest of
her stuff is unless she sold it all. We finally clear out the tent and Sam
starts pulling off the rain flap. Roxanne and Susannah set about stacking all
of my ex’s stuff off to one side. Sam and I get all of the stakes pulled out
and flatten the tent to the ground. Susannah pulls a tent bag from the rest of
the stuff and brings it over. Sam and I fold the whole tent into a small
rectangle and manage to get all of the poles and clips into the case along with
the tent and the rain flap. Standing as a group surveying the pile, I’m struck
by a wave of pity for the woman. She really must have nothing and no one in her
life if she’s up here trying to camp in my yard. On the other hand, she
basically kidnapped me in town yesterday. Roxanne puts her arm around me and
smiles. “Compassion is our greatest gift to
ourselves
and others.”

Sam rolls her eyes.
“Compassion for those who
would treat you
shittily
?”

“
Shittily
?
Is that even a word?” Susannah
is laughing.

Roxanne is unperturbed. “Sam, what’s that old saying about holding
on to anger being the same as drinking poison and expecting the other person to
die?”

Shrugging, Sam smiles.
“Better to just poison the
other person and move on with your life.”

“Yes,” Roxanne replies. “But allowing for the idea that we can’t
just kill everyone who hurts us or pisses us off,
then
forgiveness is the best gift we can give to ourselves.”

“Fine,” I interject, ending the debate. “I forgive Voldemort for
everything she did to me before this. That said
,
I
can’t forgive her for something she is actively doing to me. So, we need to get
her out of my yard and out of my life, and then I’ll forgive her for this shit,
too.”

“Wow,” Susannah says flatly. “You really have that anger thing
under control.”

Back in the house, we take our positions around the table, keeping
our ears open for the sounds of an engine. Susannah goes out on to the porch to
call Thomas. When she comes back in, she gives me a kiss. “It looks like you
ladies have this all under control. I’m going down the hill to meet Thomas.”

Sam waves her off. “Don’t worry about it,” she mutters. “We’re
just dealing with a psychopath who wants to pull a Single White Female on your
sister. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

Laughing, Susannah raps on Sam’s head. “I have faith in you to
protect my sister from her evil ex-girlfriend.”

When she’s gone, Roxanne dials the police again on my cell phone
while I cook lunch for the three of us.

“It’s been a long day already,” Sam says, stretching. “I didn’t
expect to be over here doing manual labor.”

“I didn’t expect to have a circus tent pitched on my front lawn.”

“How did she get here, get all of her gear unloaded and set up
without you hearing her?”