Authors: Paul Davidson
The Lost Blogs (17 page)
Dental Convention
Condiment Aisle in Supermarket (in front of the pickles)
A Random Neighborhood Picked off a Map
If all goes down how I think it will, I’ll see you back here next week with new photographs and stories of number 14,380 through
388!
From:
http://www.earlofsandwich.com/~johnmontagu/blog
Subject:
Cleanliness Leads to Godliness
Grandfather Edward, the 3
rd
Earl of Sandwich, made it clear to me from the moment whilst I was a small child that cleanliness was key when representing
the earldom. With cleanliness comes godliness and respect and honour and position. My habits, which some find repetitive,
which may include cleaning beneath my nails and within my hands sometimes ten times a day, have caused me to rise through
the ranks and garner respect from others in the House of Lords.
Last night marked the culmination of such respect, when I was appointed as the First Lord of the Admiralty by the King of
England! Indeed, a raucous celebration replete with meat and cheese and wine took up most of the evening.
Of course, as the guest of honor, my place was at the head of the table, with no opportunity to leave at any point. Yet, there
before me on my place setting, I spied large cuts of beef and cheese ready for the eating! But alas, no cloth in which to
wipe my hands, or clean my fingers. I had previously shaken the hands of almost twenty men… their hands could have been absolutely
anywhere! (I gasp just thinking about such horrors.)
In my attempts to guard my food from the horrific dirt that had since been transferred to the palm of my hand (no thanks to
the others), I slid such delicacies upon a slice of bread, giving me an edible platter, if you may, from which to consume
the bountiful meal. Yet, of course, balancing such meats atop a flimsy piece of bread was complicated and quickly made me
the center of attention. But as the new Lord of the Admiralty, I acted fast, sliding a second piece of bread on top—giving
my hands something to grasp upon. Needless to say, the room applauded in excitement as others began to follow my lead in eating
this brand-new concoction I had thought up in the heat of the moment!
Many throughout the evening made mention of the new creation, one that stemmed out of an aspiration for cleanliness—and in
an attempt to keep such a creation connected to the family name I immediately came up with a rough list of names for the meat
and bread meal.
They include: “squishbread,” “lotsa meat ’n’ cheese,” “breadiness,” “che-meatatain,” “the Monta-googoo,” “grabbahand,” “John’s
ultimate creation,” “two-sliced goodness oh yeah,” “che-meat-again” and my absolute favorite—“The Be-Holden.”
I spent a little time taking a poll around the room, but tried not to overshadow the real reason behind everyone’s attendance—my
new title! In fact, after some time of trying to fully sell “the Monta-googoo,” I settled back into the professional persona
that the Lord of the Admiralty must exude and I figure that such a creation will end up with a name that I’m sure I won’t
find silly, annoying or just plain egocentric!
Subject:
Wanted!
I’m currently looking to you for help in a very unique matter.
I am in desperate need to find and obtain any or all of the following animals:
Cow (male and female)
Platypus (male only)
Horse (female only)
Elephant (male and female, gentle temperaments)
Giraffe (female only)
Tiger (male and female, babies preferred)
Octopus (if you can tell me how to figure out if they’re male or female, I’d be extremely indebted to you)
Porcupine (male only)