The Long Way To Reno (26 page)

            "I
thought you were going downtown," he said.

            "My
status is 'complicated'," I said in a haughty tone.

            He
had enough energy to roll his eyes. Emmy sniffed so hard that it sounded as if
she'd choked on her own snot. Before anything else could be said, the Marine
came rushing to me.

            "Make
more of those things," he ordered. "We're staying here, for the
night. They're too tired to keep going. Get your injured in with the others,
guy."

            I
was startled at the command, but he moved on, calling the attention of someone
else. Puzzled, I looked back towards Sandy and the others, but they were
hauling their injured into a house down the road. Then I felt flattered because
my contribution actually did something for somebody other than myself. I
couldn't help but grin widely, feeling uplifted because I was
needed
.

            "Get
ice on that knee, now," came a voice close to me, and I looked up with
startled reaction as Chuck slipped past us. From the surprised look on Harley's
face, his father's appearance was just as unexpected. "You, there! Don't
put them there – there's a nursing home just up the road. Their facility
will do for the night."

            "Princess!
You're un-killed!" Chloe exclaimed, slapping my shoulder with one manly
hand before giving Harley a crushing hug. It made me wince because it looked
like she was going to kill him with her thick arms. "We caught up to you,
just in time."

            "It
is good to see you," Diego said to Harley with a warm smile, before
shaking his hand. Harley looked overwhelmed with the attention, like he didn't
know what to do with it. But he finally just grinned at them, even returned
Chloe's hug, and it felt awkward because I was so fucking
jealous
. I
turned away because I felt this rising feeling of unfairness cascade through my
bones.

            Everyone
was passing out orders to each other, moving quickly, and I was just – I
was annoyed and angry, frustrated and sad that I was still freaking
alone
.
I caught up to Sandy, whose hands were shaking as she reached out to hug me.

            "Good
job back there," she said, slapping my back lightly, a one armed hug
guiding me along with her. "No matter what anybody says, you're cool in my
book."

            "You
just want me, that's all."

            "You're
not my type, trust me," she said with this droll tone, so I felt insulted.
She caught Benson's shoulder as he intended to show somebody how to 'fall in
line' with the others. "Tony, make sure Jack and Marone pulls their weight
with the kids. Edith, hun, show Carter how you made those science
experiments."

            "Stay
close, bro," Benson said to this cute guy who hurried up to join us,
wearing an Army uniform and looking just as manly.

            "You
are so tiny," Carter said to me, withdrawing cigarettes from one of his
pouches on his vest and lighting up. Despite his amazing good looks – was
this a military requirement, or just me? – I didn't feel the need to
preen. Before I could say or do anything, some guy nearly ran me over from
behind, shouting orders to somebody attempting to venture into a nearby house.
When he finally reached Harley, he swept the dork up into this embarrassing hug
that made Harley protest. But Chuck wasn't afraid of displaying his feelings,
because he held onto his adult son despite his struggles.

            Jealousy
ate at my stomach. God, I wanted my family. I wanted my father, I wanted my
mother. What was I doing here? What was I
doing
with this group?

            Carter
lead me into a nearby garage. I rummaged for useful things, trying to think
clearly. I found more oil, paint thinner. In a house across the street, someone
had been saving their plastic bottles for recycling, so Carter snatched up a
bag. By the time I'd found things worth using, night was falling. There were a
couple of civie guys and Harley waiting for us, and I couldn't help but scowl
at him, already annoyed by him.

            "I'm
sorry," he said immediately, Carter showing off a couple of cartons of
cigarettes he'd found in one of the garages to one of the guys that begged him
for a few packs. "That stuff I said the other night was really uncalled
for."

            "Whatever,"
I muttered, looking down at the canisters I carried. I was so tired – I
just wanted to curl up and sleep in someone's basement. "I don't believe
you. It's your own conscience you're trying to make feel better – "

            "Yeah,
actually. I'm not normally an asshole right off the bat, but these times have
changed, and it's easier to say things I wouldn't have," he said, keeping
up with me despite that limp in his leg. It looked like somebody had tried to
splint it. Then I gave him an insulted look. "I’m not like you. I can't
think the way you do. I watch the History channel and ESPN. The last video game
I played, it was Sega. I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm an outdoors sort
of person. For you to spit out things about…Gun…dums, it's…"

            "If
it makes you feel better about yourself, to insult somebody else based on their
intelligence, then you can't
not
expect me to look down at you and pity
you for your small town, inbred mentality. The big world scares you, Harley
Troy, and you react with insults and fear instead of understanding and
acceptance," I said as haughtily as I could. I imagined, briefly, myself
as Claudia White, addressing Heather Mason in the mall hallway.

            I
then gave him a onceover while he gave me a stubborn look. "I deserve a
bigger man than you, and I'm not even talking about physicalities, here."

            "'Physicalities'
is not even a word," he eked out between clenched teeth.

            "
'Isn't'
a word," I stressed, despite knowing he was right.

            Harley
looked like he was going to blow up, growing red in the face and sputtering an
outraged noise as I stumbled on something in the road.

"Must
feel good to reunite with your parent," I then said snidely. "
Lucky
."

His
lips thinned, and his guilt made itself apparent. "I overreacted the other
night. I said a lot of stupid things. Like, the next day after you left, we
watched that…that huge thing fighting off those jets. I knew I was wrong saying
the shit I did, but…your tactics are just…like, everything you do or think is
foolishly unrealistic, and it'll get you killed just like that."

"Just
like it did, today," I muttered.

He
just nodded, this vague dump of his head, and didn't say anything after that. It
was annoying how he still lingered at my side, despite the anger and irritation
I felt towards him. At the same time…at the same time, there was a feeling of
thankfulness that he was there. I had to admit that.

: :

By
the time we caught up to the rest of the group, most of the windows on the
first floor had been boarded up. There was frustration mounting within the guys
taking charge – the school, Mendive, was just down the street. But there
were crying kids, discouraged mothers, and everyone just looked
pooped
.
One room within the center of the floor was prepared for bedding, and some of
us worked hastily to gather blankets, pillows and some mattresses for the kids.

            I
passed out some of the emergency candles I had, then went looking for a spot to
hide in. I felt angry and frustrated with my decision to return to Sparks.
Angry tears spilled down my cheeks, and I huddled up underneath a desk cluttered
with opened files, photographs of smiling senior citizens and blood splatters.
Wiping my face, I glared at the darkness, wishing against everything that I had
just braved that stupid monster I’d seen at the overpass, and went around the
thing.

            I
hated
that I was further away from my destination than before, and I
felt so frigging
jealous
that Harley was reunited with his father.
Goddamn it, it hurt wanting what other people had.

            While
thinking about my stupidity, I heard the soft murmurs of kids’ voices and their
mothers’ soothing tones. My chest ached with an ice pick of pain. The glow of
candles lit the walls closest to me, and I could see an occasional shadow
passing on the wall as people moved about within the safety of the confined
rooms. My mind wandered away from my woes, and I sniffled, cleaning up as best
as I could. Hearing the sounds of the women with their children made me think
of that elephant movie, the Disney one from a awhile back, where mothers rocked
their baby animals to sleep.

            It
was surreal. It made me feel better to apply something made-up to a situation
that didn’t have any comforting moments.

            I
pulled my bag out, and emptied it onto the floor next to me. Methodically, I
began creating more Molotovs, sniffling and wiping my face every once in
awhile. I ran out of matches and threw the empty box away from me, feeling
utterly exhausted from the inside out. I couldn’t even think of what day it
was, and everything that had happened from the moment of the invasion to now
was just a blur of panic and sound. I stared down at my shaking, stinky hands,
noting that my right one was burned from holding my first Molotov for too long.
It hurt, and now that I noticed it, I felt oddly angry. Like it was my hand’s
fault for everything.

            I
glared at it, then stared at the completed bottles around me. I didn’t have the
energy to get up and go search for medical attention. I pulled the bag out with
beef jerky and gave it a critical eye as I resettled underneath the desk, knees
pulled to my chin. I’d never had beef jerky before – the thought of
eating strips of dried, cooked cow meat in plastic baggies had never been
appealing. I wanted
real
food. I was tired of protein bars, I was tired
of drinking plain water – I wanted something
real
. I wanted my
mom’s cooking. I wanted baked chicken with rice and fish and - !

           
I
wanted my parents
.

            Before
I could burst into more pathetic tears, a huge bubble of hysterics climbing its
way up my throat and practically choking me, Harley knocked on the doorframe
before peering in. The very action was so -
dorky
! Like something you’d
see on a cheesy 90’s teen movie -! It was enough to stop the building tears.

            “There’s
more room out there, you know,” he said, tilting his head to look at me. I
tossed the beef jerky away from me, sniffling.

            “I
don’t want to be out there.”

            “You’re
either a very snobby person, or one of the jumpiest.”

            “That
charm of yours might’ve worked on your Wal-Mart creature chicks, but it’s not
working on anybody else. No wonder Grace wasn’t into you,” I muttered.

            He
snorted, then looked struck, as if he had to consider it himself. It astounded
me.

            “And
you have to balls to say
I’m
an asshole!” I exclaimed.

            He
shrugged, a bratty expression on his face as he walked into the room. He picked
up the pack of beef jerky I'd just abandoned, and fiddled with it. What
irritated me even further was that this asshole was still wearing my Goddamn
Halo shirt.

"I
thought you were headed downtown," he then said tightly.

"I
was convinced to come back here," I said, picking at a frayed, thin patch
on my jeans. It was funny how I used to wear 'deconstructed' jeans before all
of this – because all my clothes were rapidly being destroyed naturally.
"But I'm headed back that way soon. I was told about the vaccinations
– mom keeps all that stuff in their room. I'm sure if I look, then I'll
know for sure where they are. They could be in one of the safe camps run by the
military."

"But
you don't know for sure."

"I
have to exhaust all possibilities," I said.