Read The Last Good Day of the Year Online
Authors: Jessica Warman
In the past five years, Paul and Sharon Myers have allowed themselves to hope for closure no fewer than eight times. Every instance is different: once it was the discovery of Turtle's shoe alongside a highway; another time it was bone fragments that ended up belonging to another missing woman waiting for another family to claim her remains and the heartache that came with them. Several times, an especially promising tip shriveled into nothingness upon closer inspection, and there have been two very convincing false confessions. Each of these events bears one thing in common: unlike the diminishing returns that tend to occur with multiple instances of good news, the Myers' grief over each new disappointment has not yet begun to sting any less. And perhaps “sting” is too mild a word for what they endure.
“Imagine you've been cut open and had your insides pulled out,” Paul tells me. “You'd think that eventually there would be nothing left, but that isn't how it works. Somehow it keeps filling up, over and over again. You think it won't hurt as bad the next time around, but somehow it manages to get worse. I never knew this capacity for misery could exist within one person, and it's fucking endless. Will it stop after I'm finally dead? Where will it go? I'll tell you what I thinkâwhat I know: there's no getting rid of it. It's self-generating. Once I'm buried, it will just find somewhere else to grow. Those scientists who are trying to invent a perpetual motion machineâwould they settle for discovering perpetual pain? They ought to cut me open and have a look inside.”
Forty-Eight Minutes of Doubt
, p. 136
Summer 1996
The first time my parents' lawyer called to tell us that my sister's body might have been found was eight weeks after she disappeared. It was March 1, 1986. By then, every day bled into the next like an endless waking nightmare for my family, especially for my mom. I remember prescription pill bottles taking up a whole shelf in the bathroom closet. My mother may not have been able to pull herself together enough to do laundry or cook dinner, but she always managed to go to the pharmacy or the liquor store.
By early March, Steven was in jail on charges of aggravated kidnapping and second-degree murder, which struck some people as odd, since there was no hard proof that my sister was dead. My parents hadn't given me any inkling of that as a possibility, not yet. They were still holding out hope that Steven had stashed Turtle away somewhereâmaybe at a friend's houseâand that she was
alive and unharmed. Because I was seven years old and had never known anyone who died, death was still more a vague idea than an inevitability; it was something that happened to old people, somethingâso I'd been toldâthat I wouldn't have to worry about for a very long time.
Back then I still believed in God. Every morning when I got up, and every night before I went to sleep, I prayed for him to send my sister home. I tried to be as clear as possible about my request:
Please let Turtle come home
. I don't remember ever asking for my parents to stop being sad or for Gretchen to stop acting crazy; I knew getting Turtle back would solve all of my family's other problems.
Imagine Point Pleasant way back in 1986, when the neighborhood was still new enough that even our row of cheap, cookie-cutter town houses had some sheen to it. When Channel 4 News anchorwoman Stacy Middleman stood in our driveway to film a segment on Turtle's kidnapping, she described us as living in “a quiet family neighborhood in a small community.” She spoke to my parents a few times, her film crew lugging its gear into our living room and taking all afternoon to set up, while Stacy and my mom sat at our kitchen table and looked through the carefully assembled photo albums that documented my sister's brief, interrupted life. Imagine me peeking around the corner to get a glimpse of the celebrity who was drinking tea with my mother. (Until Turtle's kidnapping, my mom had been a dedicated coffee junkie, but now her stomach was too weak to handle anything stronger than green tea.) I wanted to ask for Stacy's autograph, but I was too shy.
We got used to seeing news vans parked outside our house. I
guess they felt it made a better story if they filmed their segments at the scene of the crime. They all seemed like nice people who didn't want to interfere too much with my family's attempt to keep our pain and worry from bubbling over, which used to happen at the slightest provocation or reminder of Turtle's absence: back then, just seeing a kid with blond hair was enough to make my mother lose it. All the reporters and behind-the-scenes tech guys did their best to be kind and respectful, but at the end of the day they wanted a good story more than anything else.
When the police found Turtle's red shoe on the side of Route 22, somehow the press found out before my family. We came home from the mall to find Stacy Middleman reporting live from our sidewalk, holding up a shoe similar to the one that had belonged to my sister; I guess it made a good visual aide. It had been almost a week since the last swarm of reporters had shown up at the house, so we knew right away something big must have happened to prompt their arrival. Gretchen had opted out of our trip to the mall that day; she was alone in the house when the Channel 4 News van pulled up, and she saw the shoe in Stacy's dainty, well-manicured hand. After closing the curtains and turning off most of the lights, Gretchen took a few of our mom's Xanax pills and spent the afternoon drawing shallow lines across the skin on her Achilles tendons with a steak knife. The wounds weren't deep enough to do any lasting damage, but you can still make out the scars if you look closely enough.
But back to the shoe: it was a real blow to our family, but it could have been worse. Lots of little girls owned the same kind of shoes, which our mom had bought from Kmart. Plenty of those same
little girls had to have worn the same size. There was a chanceâa small one, but still a chanceâthat it wasn't her shoe at all. If they'd found, say, Boris, the stuffed bear she'd been clutching when Steven carried her away, it would have been worse, I think, because there would have been no doubt that it had belonged to Turtle. Because Mrs. Souza had used purple thread to reattach his ear, he was unique. There was only one Boris.
The discovery of the red shoe was the first of many false alarms regarding the recovery of my sister's body. (Even now it makes me shudder to use those words, but they're better than the alternative of calling them her “remains.”) The police initially thought it was a big deal because of the location of the ditch along a secondary road two miles away from the home Steven Handley shared with his parents. The road was surrounded by woods. At first, the theory was that Steven had tossed the shoe out his car window before or after dumping Turtle somewhere nearbyâor maybe it had fallen off without him noticingâand then he'd quickly returned home.
Police and volunteers searched within a two-mile radius surrounding the drainage ditch for fifteen days. They used four cadaver dogs. They scanned from above in a helicopter. They found nothing.
Things like this have happened again and again over the years: someone finds some bones in the woods that look as if they could belong to a human child, authorities are called in to investigate, forensic tests are conducted, and my family waits for weeks, only to learn that the bones belong to an animal and not somebody's daughter. A tipster in upstate New York calls the police because his downstairs neighbor has a quiet little girl who looks like she
could be an older version of Turtle, and our hopes soar at the possibility that every fact we know about her disappearance is somehow wrong. We ignore the ridiculousness of our new theory, in which Steven had an accompliceâsomeone for whom he was willing to go to prisonâwho'd whisked my sister away in the night in order to raise her in a middle-class suburb eight hours' drive away. It's not impossible. Miracles happen. Never give up hope, people used to tell us; hope will sustain you. Hope only sustains for so long before it corrodes into fantasy. Without evidence, hope becomes delusion. After enough time, people stop grieving
with
you and start grieving
for
you. It's a lonely feeling.
Last year, on Christmas morning, my family got up to find that a sealed white envelope had been slid through our mail slot overnight. Thinking it was a card from a neighborâthere was no stamp, which meant that someone had hand-delivered itâmy mother opened it right away.
It was a photograph of Turtle from when she was three years old, asleep in bed. Nobody knows who took the picture. Nobody knows where it came from. When we called the police, they told us it was probably someone's idea of a sick joke.
Things like this happen more often than you'd think, they said. The world is full of people who like to watch their friends and neighbors suffer. And we're still supposed to hold on to our hopeâeven knowing something like that.
Summer 1996
Hannah and I are sharing cotton candy on the Ferris wheel at the local Fireman's Carnival when I spot Remy and Heather below us. It's a sunny Saturday afternoon, almost dusk. Lines are already forming at most of the rides. The cloudless sky is a mellow blend of reds and yellows near the horizon. Remy and his girlfriend are watching some friends shoot baskets, trying to win stuffed animals. He's standing behind her, his hands in the front pockets of her white denim shorts. She reaches up to drag her fingers through his hair, and he leans over to bite her neck, which makes her giggle. I feel a wave of nausea as our chair lurches forward.
“I see Remy,” Hannah says.
“Me, too.” It will be a nightmare trying to avoid them. The carnival isn't big enough.
We're playing Skee-Ball when they come strolling out from behind a hot dog booth, their arms around each other's waists. Before I have a chance to distract her, Hannah notices Remy and calls out his name.
If it wasn't for my little sister's enthusiasm, I'm certain the three of us would have been able to stay away from one another and still manage to have fun. Remy and I have been spending time alone together, mostly late at night, but he's also been around more often in the afternoons and evenings lately. I know he hasn't been with Heather as much as usual. I haven't asked him why.
He has a startled look in his eyes, glancing back and forth from me to Hannah, trying to figure out how he should react.
“I'm Sam. It's nice to meet you.” I give Heather an awkward wave with my fistful of game tickets. “You're Heather, right?”
She's pretty and petite, even in wedge sandals that add a few inches to her height. Her tank top is cropped to show off her flat stomach and pierced belly button.
“Yeah ⦠,” she says. She gives Remy a death stare. “How does she know my name, baby?”
I look at him, too. “What?”
He looks at my sister. “Hey, Hannah. I like your overalls.”
“Thanks.” My mother makes sure Hannah is always well dressed, even in play clothes. Before we left for the fair tonight, she put my sister's hair in two braids with yellow ribbons tied to the ends. Her lips are stained dark red from the cotton candy we ate on the Ferris wheel.
There's noise and activity all around us, but silence settles over
us like a methane cloud while Heather and I wait for Remy to answer her question.
“So you and Remy have talked since your family moved back? I didn't know that,” Heather says to me. She gives Hannah a fake smile that is all teeth and gums.
“She lives next door, baby, so it's not like we weren't going to bump into each other.” Remy tries to put his arm around Heather's shoulders, but she steps out of his reach.
“Why did you lie to me?”
He's staring at the ground. I can't tell whether he's afraid to look at her or embarrassed to look at me, or both.
Heather's attention shifts back to Hannah. “Is this your sister?” she asks me. Her mouth drops before I can answer. “Oh, wow.” She puts a hand to her mouth in genuine surprise. “She looks so much like Tabitha.” Her eyes are wide. For a second I don't understand how she would even know what Turtle looked like, but then I remember that my sister is something of a local celebrity. You'd have a hard time finding someone around here who would be able to take one look at her photoâthe school picture from kindergarten was the one they always showed in the papers and on the newsâwithout knowing exactly who it was. Everybody remembers what happened to Turtle.
Everybody but Hannah. “Who's Tabitha?”
“Your sister,” Heather says. She's either very stupid or very mean.
Hannah shakes her head. “My sisters are Sam and Gretchen.”
“Heather and I have to go now.” Remy smiles at Hannah while
he backs away, dragging Heather along behind him. She starts yelling at him as soon as she thinks they're out of earshot, and I see her smacking his face and shoulders as the two of them disappear around the corner.
“Who's Tabitha?” Hannah repeats. Aside from the question, she seems unfazed by what just occurred.
“Don't worry about it. You don't know her.”
“But that girl said she was my sister. She said I looked just like my sister Tabitha.”
“She was confused.”
“Oh.” Hannah seems to accept the answer. “Can we stay a little longer?”
I can't see Remy or Heather anywhere now. If they're still fighting, they'll probably go somewhere where they can be alone. “Sure. We can stay as long as you want.”
By the time we start walking toward the exit, I haven't seen Remy in over an hour. Once it got dark and we could pass through the crowds without being so visible, I actually managed to enjoy myself.
We didn't need a car to get here tonight. My house is less than a mile away, and most of the distance can be covered by cutting through alleys and fields. As we walk through the parking lot, I see Remy's car parked in a spot up ahead. I look at the windshield once I'm close enough to see all the way inside. Remy is alone in the driver's seat. His eyes are closed.