The Journey (25 page)

Which was why Caroline had to come to grips with it all on her own. Now that Leopold is no longer alive, there is less for her to worry about. He had lost nothing as a result, for he had little idea of what one really had to endure in Ruhenthal. It is better for him now. Paul will quickly find the desire to go on. Men don’t mourn as deeply as do women. For Zerlina, clearly such desire is evil. Her mind is set. She sees too much, but what she should see she does not. She judges Caroline, because she supposedly did not do enough for the old man. That is nonsense. Caroline had never been angry with him for being so neglectful. On the contrary, she had made his life easy, even here in Ruhenthal. Here most of all. If she had not economized so well, producing hidden money again and again as if by magic and trading bits of clothing for food, she could not have made Leopold’s soup tastier and cooked extra dishes for him. Which is why she has been reduced to skin and bones. She has sacrificed herself because she did not want to be at all responsible for the old man’s collapse, nor did she want to constantly have Zerlina’s reproachful glances before her eyes. He certainly did not starve to death, he always had something to eat. The entire ward envied what he had. Every day, no matter the weather, Caroline visited him at least once, if not twice. Like a little hungry dog he waited for what she brought with her: “Show me, Caroline, show me what you brought! Hmm, that’s good, that tastes good! Bring me some more of that, if you have any left!” But where she had gotten it, where she was supposed to get more, Leopold never thought of that. It was all obvious to him, just order it up and stick a napkin in his collar, just like in the days of peace. Not even once did he ask whether Caroline and the children had enough to eat. Though that was only half true, Caroline had to admit. With sincere yet clueless eyes he had often asked: “Do you all have enough? Certainly you do, Caroline!” She didn’t contradict him, but neither had he pressed the matter.

Just before he died, Leopold began to withdraw. “You live on the moon!” Then Leopold grew angry and said no, much like a child who has been asked whether or not he is there who then quite innocently answers from his hiding place, No, I’m not here! Such a person does not suffer much, one in whom everything is buried and never sees the light of day. It is easy to be a good man when you let all of your worries roll off you and, whatever happens, you take it all in without comprehending. No, he really did not suffer. Zerlina must not say that he did. There are poor devils much worse off than him who have nobody here and are wretchedly hungry because no one makes sure that they get what they have coming to them. But that’s the way of the world, one gets something, another gets nothing. When there’s little, one has to make do. Hunger is a mean commander, which is why Caroline is not surprised so many in Ruhenthal had become disreputable. Who indeed can be trusted and does not take from his neighbor whatever he can grab? If you don’t join in, you end up with the short straw. Anyone can remain above it all as long as he has a surplus. In a pinch everyone is as bad as the next. No one should think himself capable of setting an example for others. Anything can be bought for a piece of bread, but you can also sell your soul for it as well.

Whoever takes things as they are can come to terms with it all and at least carve out a bit of happiness for himself. Caroline will live differently now that she no longer has to worry about Leopold. Then it suddenly occurs to her that she can no longer visit him. Indeed it’s all gone, the day asserts its rights. There’s not even a cemetery where one can tend a grave. During these times there is nothing left of the dead, sentimentality having disappeared. Memorials have been deemed out of style. Caroline almost has to laugh when she recalls that there even was such a thing. If she really thinks about it, she really has to concede that the piousness and care required by graves were only an insincere bit of comedy that had to be played out by family and friends. Here no such theater was played anymore. Instead there was just naked life, rather than drama upon a stage. There were no longer disguised feelings. They were all made clear, whereby it also became obvious that everything was a complete sham.

Caroline grew up in the upper middle class. The walls were almost completely covered with paintings. Throughout the entire apartment you could not see what was behind them. In the salon there stood a bulky piano
with an embroidered silk doily and numerous figurines upon it. A boy strangling a goose, a child pulling a thorn out of his foot. They were all very beautiful, but also impractical, made out of white alabaster, or maybe it was only plaster. All of the children took piano lessons, but none of them actually played. Soon the piano lid was shut, the keys were at rest. The instrument was never touched again and darkened over the years, a monument that was always in the way, each day gathering dust that really needed to be wiped away. Back then everything was hidden, hypocrisy burying the truth, much more so than later, because in general everyone was doing well. If Caroline were now a girl of marrying age, she could turn down Leopold’s proposal. There were younger and handsomer admirers whom you could choose from at your leisure. But only Leopold was there back then, no doubt the marriage having already been arranged. He didn’t ask much and he didn’t say much, and soon the parents were in agreement. Caroline was presented with the facts. And so the marriage was sealed.

Caroline could have resisted, yet she would have been too ashamed, so she did not protest. Her parents explained that Leopold was from a good family, a doctor, an educated man with a promising practice. There was nothing to decide, Caroline was still young and had hopes for the future. What could she have said when, after a year, the disappointment set in? Absolutely nothing. Divorce was not yet the order of the day. It would have been a scandal throughout the entire town. Many years later Zerlina blamed Caroline for not wanting to separate from Leopold. She would have done it, but by then it was really too late, for it seemed heartless to leave a helpless old man. Today everything is changed and nothing matters. Life is a mess. Ruhenthal is closed off and hidden from the world. Old people here know nothing of the world and can go no farther than the barrier at the edge of town, and even then only when there is a burial. The barrier, however, is still raised for the young. If only Paul would decide to escape! The countryside is huge, there are many little villages to hide out in. But Paul is a good-natured, wishy-washy person. He fritters away every chance and never seizes the opportunity. At his age Caroline would have been long gone over the hills. Paul’s indifference is worse than laziness. Events just sweep him along, and he just goes along without a fight. Caroline cannot depend on him. Zerlina, however, is nothing more than a bundle of nerves. She is too stubborn and always has her neck in a noose.
Then Zerlina wonders why she can’t catch her breath. Staunchness only makes sense when it is joined with courage and skill. The girl is too excitable, and that’s why she overdoes it. Early on Caroline had hidden too much, but Zerlina hides too little. According to her, whoever immediately spoke the truth had no burden to carry. Yet every little thing need not be brought into the open, for then you die a day at a time and suffer agony. The girl is just hysterical. If I didn’t keep her in line constantly, we wouldn’t even be here. She’ll be the end of us by constantly confusing her dreams with reality. Ruhenthal is no summer vacation.

“You have to finally learn to keep what you think to yourself a bit more.”

“Things are different for you than for me. Do you know, Mother, it would be better if you stopped lecturing me. You’re not going to change me. Nothing will change me. You should have sent me away before the war even started.”

“You didn’t want to go away. I suggested it to you and Paul again and again.”

“You’re the one who said so …! Because you knew that I would never leave you both. I am what I am. I’ve come to accept that, and that’s why I’m asking you to let me be as I am.”

“You’re making yourself miserable, child! You’re not helping yourself at all. I don’t want to talk about me and the others.”

“You’re not talking about yourself, but you only think of yourself. What do others matter to you? Look, Mother, I know what you’re like, I know exactly what you’re like. And yet I’ve taken it upon myself to stick by you and the family.”

“Worry less about the family and more about yourself!”

“You say that, but as soon as I go my own way you turn to look at me accusingly and are cold to me. You make it seem like I’m being egotistical. But let’s not go into it!”

“You’ve got me wrong! It’s wonderful when people stick together, but one also has to think about oneself a little. You accomplish nothing with your self-sacrifice. You only put everyone on edge. For it’s something that is easier said than done. You keep accusing me, but you’re a lot like your father. One has to keep an eye on you, otherwise you’ll be in a mess before you know it.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ve never demanded anything for myself. The old man … let’s not talk about him. You stayed with him, which is your own doing. You can let me go in peace. I can take care of myself.”

“You can take care of yourself all right! If I didn’t keep a watch over you, you’d be in fine shape now! There would no one to take care of your things, to warm up your food, to darn your stockings, and yet you have doubts whether anyone loves you, that nobody thinks about you, that nobody cares about you.”

“Please, don’t do anything for me! I’ve always gotten along just fine. But since we’re on the subject, is it really all that much, what you did for me? It was nothing at all, and you know that yourself. It’s miserable to even waste words on any of this!”

“Please, don’t get so upset! I’m only stating the truth, a part of the truth, which you love so much. Zerlina, you need to remember, no one accomplishes anything in this world if all you do is bang your head against a wall! You have to have reserves that you don’t tap until the very end, something hidden, secrets.…”

“I have no reserves. I don’t want to have any! Where has your constant carefulness and caution gotten you? Here we sit in Ruhenthal, Frau Lustig! What a beautiful destination, our dreamed-of fairy-tale castle, our gingerbread house! What else do you want to deny while someone has you by the collar? You can deny all you want, but no one will ever let you go free again.”

“Okay, we’re trapped, we’re trapped! But …”

“There is no ‘but’! Everything is finished! Caution and frugality and denial no longer have any point, so to hell with them! The song is over, Mother! Do you hear what I’m saying? Whoever doesn’t live life to the full now has never lived!”

“You always live life to the full, and yet it is no life that you live! Zerlina, you’ve exhausted life! And whoever isn’t careful now will be finished!”

“We’re all finished, dear Mother! It makes no sense to fight against it. We’ll get through as best we can, but each has to go her own way, you yourself and I myself.”

“And Paul?”

“And Paul has to go his own way.”

“Paul won’t make it. He relies too much on you and me because he is so weak.”

“I won’t talk about Paul with you.”

Caroline tries to come to terms with it all, but she sees that it is hopeless. Now that Leopold is gone, everything is falling apart. It cannot be helped anymore. The more pressure there is upon people to keep them locked up, the more any sense of togetherness dissolves. Life has become full of holes, great gaps have opened up, spaces between tiny islands. No one knows anyone else. What one says and hears never coheres into one view. You still think that you stand on solid ground until all of a sudden you fall into a hole. When you finally realize that you have fallen into a hole and are lost, you can yell all you want but nobody comes. Should someone happen by, he either doesn’t see anything or has his hands full or doesn’t have the time to help. There is no such thing as family life, for here there is only hell. You keep on as if there is no such thing as love or care, but rather only the agony that people suffer. Caroline is too weak to resist giving someone the shirt off her back. Any talk of togetherness is nothing but lies, much like the silent piano that the dust motes shower dust upon, though nobody has the nerve to haul off the old crate.

Since Ida is gone, Caroline has only her roommates to talk to. Ida and her crippled hands have left. Whenever Zerlina comes in and behaves as if Ida will sit down next to Caroline at any moment, she can hardly stand it. It’s unbearable when Zerlina greets them both. It’s crazy. What would Ida think of it? Each should meet her fate alone, but that’s not what happened to her. One day they were told that two thousand people had to leave, strong men and women ready for work. Sort them out from among yourselves, you’re forty thousand people in all! Anyone under twenty for sure, you won’t mind it at all, such a small bloodletting won’t hurt at all, so off with you! Off with you! Don’t ask the reasons why, or where you’re headed. What matters is: we need you! Don’t say anything about already being prisoners and that should be enough. No, that’s not enough, we want more from you and think it fine if we throw you all together. Prisoners should travel, the world is wide and bright, you should see some of it!
Here you’re so packed in one atop another! You complain that the rooms are too full? We’re happy to assist you and provide Ruhenthal with a little breathing room!

Why do you all hide? Whoever hides will only be discovered, and he won’t like the journey from there on out. You’re all free to go. Report! Off with you! You don’t want to go? Okay, then it doesn’t matter if we force you to take a journey. We’re telling you what the law is. It’s slavery. It always manifests itself when it’s not wanted, that’s its nature, because otherwise there would be no slavery on Earth, and people could rest easy. Step forward if you want to be condemned to slavery! That amounts to self-condemnation, in which the strong are victorious and the weak are defeated. All of you, get ready! We will take you on the journey. Each of you can bring yourself along as well as some bags, though not too many, because otherwise the journey will be uncomfortable, and you still have to be herded together. We just wouldn’t feel good about it, trains that are too full are bad for the railroad.