“Jim,
please see the manager.”
Bill
has been my manager for five years now. He does this almost everyday. He knows
I am at lunch but he calls me down to his office to bullshit with me. He is the
best manager I have ever had. He sits back in his office all day and only comes
out to tell jokes. So I pack up my lunch.
The
lunchroom is on the second floor of my store. As I leave the room I step out onto
the upper sales floor. It is all mattresses and TVs. I pass by a four thousand
dollar mattress and I so want to go to sleep. I share the bed with Karen and
Robin. It is a rough nights sleep on an old queen mattress when a two year old
keeps kicking you in the back. I cross the floor and pass by one of the most
beautiful things I have ever seen. It is an amazing seventy-inch super, ultra
high definition TV. I want one so bad, but it does not make a lot of sense to
have one that big if you can only sit five feet from it. I am almost out of the
department when our warehouse man waves me down. His name is Devon. He is a
man, technically, but really he is a kid. He is twenty, I think. He gives me a
heavy nod when I make eye contact with him. His head bobs up and down like a
silly toy from a foreign country.
“Dude,
I saw a crazy one last night,” he always calls me “Dude.” He is not a surfer or
a skater, but he loves the word dude.
“Really?
What was it?” I nod my head to match his nod. He is talking about a horror
movie. He is always talking about a horror movie. I don’t/can’t watch them anymore.
I get the worst nightmares. Plus my kids are always up.
“Dude,
this killer was after this girl. He like, killed her parents ten years ago and
now he was back to finish the job,” Devon gets crazy eyes every time he says
the word killer. “You will never guess how he kills people,” he shakes his head
at me. This is the part where I get to guess how the killer kills them.
“Was
it a gun?” I don’t really try anymore. I never get it right.
“No,
dude. He would suffocate them with a plastic bag and then take their skin off
with like a nasty old blade. It was so good, dude. I was so scared. It’s a crazy
Russian movie I downloaded,” he nods his head at me and I never know what to
say.
“Cool.
I gotta get to Bill’s office. Talk to you later,” I head down for the stairway.
My
thighs kill me as I walk down the steps. I threw a lot of kicks at the last
Krav Maga class. On the way down I run into Tracy, our front desk phone
operator. She is my age and distractingly pretty.
“Did
I show you the photo?” it is going to be about her kids, kind of. I made the
mistake of becoming her Facebook friend and every goddamn post is about her
kids, kind of. I smile big at her and shake my head.
“Nope.
Haven’t seen them,” I prepare myself for her photos. She pulls her phone from
her pocket. Her photos are always the same kind of funny thing where her kids
are in them, but the photo is her looking super sexy. Why is this sexy lady in
this child’s photo? She flashes me her phone.
“Look
at this,” she says. Acting very innocent. It is a photo of her right out of the
shower with nothing but a towel clinging to her shapely body and an eight-year-old
making a funny face in the background.
“Boy,
that is a cute kid.”
“Isn’t
he? I look horrible. Don’t look at me,” she fishes for a compliment. This has
been happening more and more since she left her weirdo husband.
“No,
you look...amazing. Better than I do straight out of the shower,” what else can
I say? She is the one that called me down to Bill’s office and I bet she planned
this whole rendezvous.
“Thank
you. You are so sweet,” she brushes my arm with her hand. I pretend like it
didn’t happen.
“Okay,
Bill needs me,” I turn and head down the stairs.
I
knock at Bill’s open door. I know what three jokes are coming. He is going to
tease me about Krav Maga. He calls it “Teal Macaw”. It is not a clever joke but
he loves it. Then he will say I am wasting my time working out. He never works
out and he has had a better life than me. Then he will tease me about my
numbers, me versus Sam. Bill sits there at his desk. He is always smiling. He
points at a bruise on my wrist.
“Is
that from Teal Macaw?” joke number one out of the way.
“Yeah,
I caught an elbow to the wrist in class. Hurt like hell.”
“Why
do you waste your time with working out? It is hours a week you could be having
way more fun. I never workout and I definitely have more fun than you,” joke
two right on schedule. I look at Bill’s big belly, but I do not say anything.
Bill picks up a print out of the store’s numbers.
“Boy,
Sam is killing you again this month. If I could make a clone of that guy I’d
get all my bonuses,” joke three, the trifecta. Now we can start our normal
conversation.
BOOM!
My fillings shake as the ground moves under my feet. I feel intense heat from a
massive explosion outside.
I
almost shit my pants. Seconds after the explosion there is a loud crash. I step
from Bill’s office doorway and onto the sales floor. I drop my lunch bag. My
jaw drops too. All of the windows facing the Jiffy Lube are blown out.
Shattered glass covers all of the appliances. The front row of washers has
caught fire. An old beat up van has crashed through the wall. Its front end
rests on a knocked over stacked laundry set. The van is on fire too. Sam cowers
behind the dishwasher display. His customer bleeds out on the floor. She has a
large jagged chunk of metal sticking out of her throat. The Jiffy Lube is
engulfed in flames. I step farther out onto the floor. My eyes blink quickly
trying to process what I see. A helicopter has crash-landed on the Jiffy Lube.
Boom!
Something
else inside the Jiffy Lube explodes. I duck behind the dishwasher display next
to Sam. He has a slice running jagged down his cheekbones. Blood cascades down onto
his dress shirt. Sam pulls off his glasses. The lenses are scratched to hell.
If it weren’t for his astigmatism he would be blind right now. Thank God for
those nerd glasses. Boom! Another explosion rocks the building.
“What
the fuck happened?” Sam grabs at me. He is talking louder than normal. A face full
of explosion must have messed with his hearing. I look over the dishwashers.
The tail end of the helicopter reads Providence Hospital. That hospital is only
a mile away.
“It
must have had engine problems. Oh God! All those guys are dead.”
Sam
sticks his fingers in his ears. He works to get his hearing back.
“Should
I lock the doors?” yells Bill.
“What’s
the point? We don’t have a wall right now.” I yell back. Why am I yelling? I am
not mad at Bill. My hands shake and my heart beats hard enough that I can feel
my pulse on my forehead. Goddamn this is the most exciting thing I have ever
seen. I look around the floor and no one else is hurt. Tracy was over at her
desk on the other side of the building. She has come around her desk to get a
better look at the action. The poor girl has peed her pants. The front of her
khakis are soaked. I look away. I don’t want her to know that I saw it. I don’t
blame her. I am about to unload in the back of my slacks.
I
pull my cell out and dial 911. The phone rings and rings. No answer. I hang up
and try again. The Jiffy Lube burns, all that oil, it looks like a photo from
the Gulf War. Black smoke fills the sky and lays down a thick fog on the ground
around it. Some blood has got onto one of Sam’s new shoes. He quickly rubs the
blood off his leather footwear and it gets all over his hand. He shows me the
blood on his hand. Like I need to clean it for him. That is when he notices his
customer on the ground. The blood on his shoe came from her.
“Linda,
are you okay?!” he shakes her body.
“I
don’t think she’s okay!” I give up on my phone and put it in my pocket.
“She’s
dead,” Sam loses it. “She’s DEAD! Oh, SHIT!” his voice cracks. He looks up at
me. I nod.
“Yeah
Sam. No one’s answering at 911. Bill, get him up and get him some water.”
Bill
snaps to. I get up and run over to the closest fire extinguisher. My nerves are
so shot it takes me a full minute to read the instructions. It has only two
steps but it is like I have never read English before. The van’s engine runs
like the driver has his foot all the way to the floor. Between it and the other
fires going on, this place is filling up with smoke quickly. I finally master
the art of the extinguisher and sprint to the closest flame. I have always
wanted to do this. Shoot an extinguisher on a flame, I mean. It always looked
so cool on TV. Behind me Devon has emerged with his own fire retardant device
and the two of us go to work.
Even
with all of the excitement and tragedy going on I am very aware of how sexually
charged this act is. Hear me out. The flame burns so bright, so hot and the
only thing that can quench its desire and put the flame to rest is two young
men shooting it with white foam. I get it. I am the gross one. If Devon and I
were being filmed in slow-mo with eighties butt-rock blasting, you would see what
I mean. We finish putting the fires out on the appliances when our
extinguishers run out of juice. The van continues to burn in the corner of the
store. I look around for the next red can when the sprinklers go off. We are
doused with water. These sprinklers are not messing around. In a matter of
seconds I am completely soaked. The van’s fire has gone out. That’s good, I
guess. Devon and I toss our cans to the ground. Tracy’s accident has been
washed away as well. I survey the showroom. The owner is going to be pissed.
All of these appliances, TV’s and beds are ruined. I guess that’s what
insurance is for.
“This
is some crazy shit, Dude.”
“Yes,
Devon. This is some crazy shit. Dude,” I wipe the water away from my
eyes.
I
take a look around outside. All of the students from the school for the gifted
are on the sidewalk watching Jiffy Lube burn to the ground. I head over to the
front door and pop it open.
“Is
everyone okay?!” I yell across the street. One of the female instructors shouts
back.
“We’re
good! I can’t get 911 on the phone. Sprinklers went off?” she asks with a
smirk.
“Yeah,
we’re all soaked. I couldn’t reach them either. We have someone that got...hurt
here,” I don’t want any of the students to get upset so I lie. “Keep calling
them! I’m gonna check on the other neighbors.”
She
gives me a thumb up and puts her phone to her ear. On the other side of our
building is an adult video store with live shows in the back. Karen and I used
to go to strip clubs when we were in our twenties. It was a lot of fun to bring
her because women get a lot of attention at those places. Afterwards we would
go home and, well…it was always fun. I have always wanted to go into that store
but never had a good enough reason. I turn back into my showroom and see a miracle.
Linda, Sam’s customer, is back on her feet and walking around.
“Miss?
You should lay back...,” my words slow down as Linda turns to face me. Her eyes
have filled with blood. So full that they look purple. She stands there looking
around and she is not breathing. That’s weird. You wouldn’t think you would
notice a little thing like that but seeing a human stand upright staring at
you, your brain says, “That crazy bitch ain’t breathing!”
“Linda?”
Sam says in shock. His glasses look like fishbowls; they are so full of water.
Linda’s head whips around to face him. She sprints right for him! In a flash
she has him on the floor. Sam clutches her by the shoulders. Her teeth snap at
his face!
“Holy
fuck!” I yell it from across the sales floor. Ten years I have been on this
floor and it is the first time I have ever cursed out loud.
I
run to Sam’s aid. The woman has gone nuts. The hunk of metal in her neck must
be incredibly painful to make her act this way. I grab her shoulder.
“Hey
lady, knock it off,” she turns her head towards me and the wound in her neck
opens up. That chunk of metal goes deep into her. She should not even be
moving. What is going on? She snaps her teeth at my hand and I pull it back
right before she takes a finger off.
“What’s
your problem, lady?!”
“Get
her off me!” Sam desperately fights against her. For the last two years I have
been trying to get Sam to come to Krav Maga class with me and his answer was
always, “I’d never use it.” Well right now he could use it. Linda only weighs
one twenty and has a major neck wound. I could get her off me in two seconds.
Sam acts like she is a sumo wrestler. I grab Linda and toss her to the ground.
Her head smacks against the wet carpet. It doesn’t faze her. She rolls over and
grabs for my leg. I step back so she can’t reach me.
“Bill,
we gotta get this lady out of here. She’s crazy!” Linda slowly gets up. “Lady,
if you don’t stop acting nuts, I’m gonna have to put you on your ass!”
I
take a fighting stance out of habit. I did not even think about it. As soon as
she moves for me, my hands are up and ready. She leaps, arms out, teeth
snapping. So I throw a front kick, hard, right into her chest. Her ribs break
on impact. She hits the ground and again she starts to get back to her feet!
My
work crew watches me fight this tiny lady and I look like a wimp. Like my kicks
are for shit but I know that was a hard one. She should not be able to breathe.
That is when I notice it again. She is still not breathing. How can that be?
She makes a lot of noise with her mouth but she is not really breathing. I am
hyperventilating over here.
“Look!”
Bill points across the street at the Jiffy Lube. A dark figure moves among the
flames. It steps out of the wreckage. Its skin drips off of its body as it
slowly shuffles out of the flames. One of its arms falls to the burning
asphalt. It is still on fire. I mean the person’s body is still on fire. It
continues to burn as it walks out onto the street.
“WHAT
THE FUCK!?!” I am sure we all said it.
My
attention is back on Linda. There she is, arms out, eyes purple, teeth bared,
making me look like a punk. That is it. No more mister nice sales guy. I throw
a kick and make contact with her knee. The joint folds backwards. As she
stumbles forward I hit her in the jaw with my elbow, breaking it badly. She
falls to her side. This time I got her. TKO in the first round! I look over at
everyone in my store. I feel like Rocky and I just laid out Apollo Creed. My
coworkers are not even looking at me.
I
follow their eyes out to the street. Six more burnt black bodies, are climbing
out of the fire. They all look like the Human Torch. The oil at the Jiffy Lube
makes their bodies burn bright. Two of them walk over to the school. They look
more like demon fire creatures than humans. They look bizarre, because I am
used to seeing a human on fire move very quickly. It is normally a stuntman
that darts off screen after only a few seconds of being set ablaze. These guys
walk with purpose. Not slow. Methodical would be the best way to describe it.
Screams come from the gifted. A few of the should-be-corpses walk towards the
adult store. The last couple walks right for our open windows.
Out
of the corner of my eye I see that Linda is back on her feet. Man, this girl
can take a beating. I am in shock. Her jaw is on her face but it hangs at an
extreme angle. I look back out the window. More shock. I wish there was another
saying for the level above, “What the fuck?!” but my brain is shutting down.
Game over! These “people” feel no pain and oxygen is not a priority.
Clearly
I never woke up this morning. This is a sick dream my overworked brain has
created. I am waiting for my alarm clock to go off. Any minute now I should be
waking up. Nope. Linda tries to take another piece off of me. She wobbles towards
me. Her broken knee makes it hard for her to stand up straight. Her jaw snaps
back into place when she tries to bite.
“Everyone
upstairs!”
“Dude!”
I look over at Devon as he tosses me a fire extinguisher. I catch it and swing
it in one move. I hold it by the hose and nail Linda right in the face. DONG!
It sends her backwards over a portable dishwasher. The water stops dumping on
us the second she hits the floor. I run my hand through my hair and wipe a
gallon of water off my face. None of my coworkers have taken a step. Their eyes
stay focused on the two fire monsters that have entered our store. It is a bad
time for the sprinklers to stop pouring water.
They
walk right for me. Linda has gotten back to her feet again. The fire monsters
bodies fall apart the closer they get to me. One of their arms drops off and
lands in a basket full of towels we use to show off the capacity of the new
washers.
“Upstairs
now!” I toss the extinguisher at them and it knocks one of them to the ground.
I make for the stairs and push Sam to move. The five of us head for the
employee only stairwell. They push open the fire door to the stairs. It is made
out of solid steel. I am the last one through the door and I slip the bolt lock
into place behind me. The steps are soaking wet and slick as hell. My brain
scrambles to figure out what the hell is going on. How is this possible?! Is
this happening everywhere?! What about Karen and the kids?!
The
top floor of our building is a warehouse. It’s where we keep refrigerators,
washers, dryers and beds. I am the last through the door and I point to Devon.
“Help
me with this!” I grab a refrigerator box. We tip it over so it falls against
the closed door. Backing away from the overturned box, we hear the sounds of
fists hitting the steel door on the floor below.
“They’re
trying to get in,” I mutter under my breath. I fish my phone from my pocket. I
speed dial my wife. When I got this smartphone the sales guy talked me into the
eighty-dollar waterproof case. He said most people use their phones when they
are taking a dump. Mine never slipped down between my legs and into the water,
but right now I am thankful I got the heavy-duty case. I am totally soaked and
it still works. She answers in two rings.
“Hello,”
she says sweetly. I can tell from her voice she is fine, but I still ask.
“Karen!
Are you and the kids okay?!”