The Holiday Nanny (15 page)

Me, too, he wanted to say. But worries about that paternity test kept the words stuffed in his throat. So Wade simply nodded and hurried to the study.

“David, I'm sorry to bother you, but I need the name of that investigator you contacted.” He explained what had happened. “I want him to find out where the man is buried. Maybe that will help Connie find some closure.”

“Maybe.” David stopped. “Getting pretty close to the nanny and her problems, aren't you, Wade? You sure you're the same guy who told me to make sure there wouldn't be any entanglements?”

“This is different.”

“Because it's Connie?” David chuckled. “Yes, she is very special. Glad you've finally recognized it.”

“She's done a lot for Silver, for Amanda. I just want to help, if I can.”

“Uh-huh.” Scepticism didn't begin to describe David's mocking tone. “So the tree trimming is off for tonight?”

“No,” Wade said after a few minutes thought. “I think carrying on normally might help Connie more.”

“And if you can't find her father's grave?”

“I don't know,” Wade told him. “But I have to at least try to help her.”

“Just don't get too close,” David reminded Wade before he hung up.

Good advice.

Unfortunately, Wade thought it came just a little bit too late.

T
hey were all being very careful around her.

And Connie hated that.

She hadn't meant to be here tonight. This should be a family celebration, and she didn't want to intrude. But Wade and Amanda had convinced her she was a vital part of the decorating plan. When Silver added her pleas, Connie gave in, because she didn't want to be alone.

Christmas meant laughter and joy and fun, celebrations for the birth of a blessed child. Not this mournful sadness. Connie rapped her knuckles on the mantel and waited for everyone to look at her.

“I appreciate your sensitivity,” she said. “But this is Christmas, and I want to celebrate it. That's what my father would have done, and that's how I want to remember him. So could we please enjoy ourselves?”

Thankfully, everyone accepted her request to rise above the knowledge of her father's death. By the time David and Darla arrived, Silver was dancing and tinkling, Amanda was chiding Wade for his choice in music and Cora had set out a buffet worthy of any tree trimming party. Then Klara and Kris arrived, followed by Hornby's son, Jared, and then the party really took off.

In fact, Connie thought they'd all but forgotten her sad news when she noticed Wade take David and Jared aside. The three spoke rapidly, but it was the occasional glance at her that bothered Connie. It looked like they were discussing her. She decided to face them out.

“Okay, what's going on?” she demanded.

Wade didn't even try to prevaricate.

“Jared is something of an expert at researching genealogy,” he said. “David and I thought he might be able to locate the place where your dad was laid to rest.”

“But only if you want me to, Connie,” Jared quickly added. “If you'd rather handle it yourself then that's fine.”

“It's kind of you to offer, Jared.” Connie smiled at each of them, overwhelmed by their generosity. “Kind of all three of you. I'd like to find out, yes, but I don't want you to go to any extra trouble.”

“It's our pleasure, Connie.” David's eyes expressed his sympathy. “Jared and I are godfathers to Silver, and we both appreciate all you've done for her. We've both seen a big change in Silver, due to you. It's a small way for us to pay you back.”

“Caring for Silver is my job,” she said quietly.

“We all know you've done more than your job.” Wade's dark eyes held hers until Connie had to look away.

“Then thank you. I appreciate it,” she said—and meant it.

The party picked up after that. Connie's heart wrenched with bittersweet joy as she watched Silver, Amanda and Wade interact as a true family, gathering in their guests and making them part of their celebration. But the more the group enjoyed themselves, the more Connie felt removed from them.

In that moment, she realized it was because she wanted
to be more than the nanny. Every night she dreamed of his kiss. Every morning she awoke realizing anew that he still carried a burden from the past. His shadowed eyes when he looked at her and quickly away told her that whatever he'd felt in that swift embrace, he was too afraid to risk loving again.

When Wade lifted Silver to put the star on the top of the tree, Connie suddenly realized that she didn't belong here. Wade's consideration in asking the others to help him find her father's resting place was an act of friendship. But counting on Wade for anything more would be like counting on her father or her former fiancé. Both let her down. Risk that hurt again? No. No matter how much her heart yearned for more from Wade, Connie knew deep in her soul that he simply wasn't able to give it.

She'd done her very best for the Abbot family. Judging by tonight, they were on the right road. They had David and Jared, Cora and Hornby and now Klara and Kris to help them. They would manage. Besides, if Wade did finally have to send Silver away, Connie didn't want to be here to watch. It was time to leave the Abbots.

Christmas—she'd stay until after Christmas. Then she'd give her notice. Until then, she'd enjoy the time she had left here.

“Connie? Aren't you going to check our work?” Amanda frowned at her.

“Of course.” Connie rose and admired the tree, determined not to let anyone know her plans. It was going to be a wonderful Christmas for the Abbots. That's what she had to focus on.

 

“Your party was great, Wade. I've never seen Amanda so animated.”

“Yeah.” Wade waited. David wouldn't have called
just to talk about the party. Something else was going on. “What's up?”

“Connie's father. I don't think he's dead.”

“What?” Wade gulped. “But that Harvey fellow said—” A mental image of Connie's face when she learned the news filled his brain. But what if David was wrong?

“It's too complicated to go into over the phone. Suffice it to say that Jared and I did some digging. There is no record of Max Ladden dying or being buried in this state.”

Wade frowned at David's silence. “What aren't you saying?”

“We think he's still alive. The problem is, we can't find him.”

Connie would be ecstatic if she heard there was a possibility she could meet her father again.

“We have to find him,” Wade said. “I'll pay whatever it takes.”

“I wish it was that easy,” David said. “I'm faxing over what Jared uncovered. He's been spending a lot of time on this, and everything he's found leads to a dead end. He believes Connie's father left that hospital on the sly and has deliberately chosen to keep his whereabouts a secret.”

“Meaning he doesn't want a reunion with his daughter?” Stunned by the implications, Wade blurted out his thoughts. “She'll leave to search for him when she finds out, David. She desperately wants that relationship. But if her father has deliberately avoided Connie—that is what you're implying?”

“Yes. There could be a thousand reasons, but I do think he's deliberately gone underground because there is some information that Max followed Connie's life, that he contacted the foster agency several times, asked for information and begged them not to tell Connie.”

“If she hears that, it's going to kill her spirit. Reuniting
with him is what's kept her going. If he avoided her…” Wade's brain whirled with possibilities. “I've got to think about this for a few minutes, David. I'll call you back, okay?”

He hung up, sank into his chair and swirled around to study old Tucson's pretty skyline through his floor to ceiling office windows. But his brain didn't appreciate the colorful adobe-styled buildings or the Christmas decorations festooning doors and windows, emphasizing the season. All he could think about was Connie and the pain that would make her solemn gray eyes darken when she found out her father not only didn't want to see her but deliberately avoided her.

The question was why.

Wade knew Connie well enough to know the pain it would cause her when she learned of her father's decision. If the man truly didn't want a reunion, if he'd avoided Connie because he wanted to be free of her, Connie would be decimated. If she kept looking, the search for her father could well take her beyond Tucson, away from Silver, away from him. Wade knew full well that she wouldn't give up easily because of the way she'd spoken of finding Max. But if she had to face her father's true abandonment alone, without anyone to help her through it—Wade wasn't going to allow that.

“David, me again. I want you to intensify the search for her father. Tell Jared to get whatever help he needs and go wherever it leads.”

“Why is this so important to you, Wade?”

Good question. But not something he wanted to discuss, even with his best friend. Not until he'd thought it all the way through. So Wade made the only excuse he could think of.

“I want to find the man and see if he wants to be reunited with Connie for Christmas.”

“And if he doesn't?” David's grave tone sent a warning. Wade ignored it.

“Then I'll tell her that.” They covered a few other details before Wade hung up. He made an excuse to his secretary and left the office, walking the streets as he thought through his plan.

It would be his Christmas gift to Connie, a reunion between her father and herself. It would also ensure that Connie wouldn't leave them; she wouldn't have to if he found her father for her.

Because the bald truth was that Wade didn't want Connie to leave—ever. He wanted her to stay, help him raise Silver. Connie made his life complete.

Because Wade loved her?

No. He was afraid to love her. He'd been scared of love for so long, scared that if he opened his heart to that wrenching emotion once more, he'd risk the pain and abandonment he'd felt all over again—abandonment every bit as bad as what Connie had experienced. Love had stripped him of everything but especially his pride. Shame had dogged him for so long. Was that why he was so afraid to trust again?

Connie wasn't like Bella; Connie never ran from problems. She worked them through, no matter how difficult. Connie, with her sweet, gentle, loving spirit, would never betray him. That's why he cared about her.

You told yourself that before, and you were wrong.

The old fears multiplied. Wade quelled them by telling himself it was doubtful Connie felt the same about him, especially after she'd trusted two men and both had let her down. Her words—what had she said?

You have to trust, Wade. You have to believe God is
going to do his very best for you. And then you have to hang onto your faith as tightly as you can.

Wade sat down on a park bench. Bella's betrayal hadn't only left him afraid to trust his heart. He'd also been afraid to trust God. He'd finally managed to turn over Silver to the Lord he said he believed in. Could he now trust God with Connie?

That was the crux of the matter. Either he trusted God with everything or he didn't trust God at all. It wasn't about parceling out bits of trust here and there. Faith—real faith—meant he trusted God. Period. It was trust now and hang on to that faith, as Connie said, or accept that he didn't have any faith at all.

“I care about her,” he prayed silently. “And Silver. I'm scared I'll lose them both.” That's when it hit him.

Silver was his right now. If God asked him to give her up, Wade would have do that. But God had never asked that of him yet. Only his own fears had made him consider sending her away. Fear had kept him from showing that beloved child how deep she lay in his heart. No more.

Wade jumped to his feet. He walked quickly to his car, climbed in and drove home, letting his secretary know he'd be out for the rest of the day. He didn't know yet how or what to do with his growing feelings for Connie. Hopefully he'd have found her father by Christmas Eve and then he'd reassess.

But Wade did know how he was going to let Silver know she was loved, no matter what the blood tests said. And a certain dollhouse, made by his hands, would help him express that love. He'd better get busy.

 

With the center's dinner over and the Sunday school Christmas pageant only a week away, Connie had her
hands full making last-minute alterations to other costumes she'd offered to help sew. But even with all her busyness, she'd had time to notice that Wade spent hours in the small workshop in the backyard. She hadn't gone out to check on his progress, because she was sure that when he needed her help he'd ask. But as days passed and no request came, she grew worried.

Amanda caught her staring out the window late one evening.

“He's been spending a lot of time in there,” she mused as she poured herself a cup of tea. “It reminds me of his father when he was building…” The words died away as Amanda turned to leave the room.

“Amanda?” Connie touched her arm. “It's okay to cry. I know you miss them.”

“I do.” She wept openly now, her face ravaged. “I've tried so hard to be too busy, to keep myself occupied, but it's just pretend. Nothing's helping. I've prayed so hard. I don't understand why God left me all alone with no one to love.”

“But He didn't!” Connie urged her to a stool by the kitchen bar. “Amanda, God has given you an outlet for your love. You have a wonderful granddaughter who desperately needs you in her life.”

“For what?” Amanda said bitterly.

“To tell her things no one else can. Silver is full of questions about the past. I don't know what to tell her, but you do.”

“I only met Bella twice,” Amanda said.

“Then tell her about those meetings. Be the mother figure she craves. Be there to answer all the other questions she's going to have in the coming years.”
If Wade doesn't send her away.
“One day, Silver is going to need to talk to
someone who will really listen to her and advise her. You could be that person.”

“Do you think so?” Amanda frowned. “I wouldn't know what to say.”

“What kind of things did you talk to Danny about?”

“Everything.” Amanda mustered a smile. “He was a lovable child.”

“So is Silver,” Connie assured her. “And she loves you very much. She needs to know you love her, too—that you'll be there for her if she ever needs you.”

“Maybe…” Amanda dropped into thought.

“There's just one thing.” Connie waited until the older woman looked at her. “You can't put down Wade to Silver. It wouldn't be right. She needs both her daddy and her grandmother in her corner. Can you do that?”

“I guess.” Amanda sighed. “The truth is, I've always been a little jealous of Wade. I worried his father would love him more than Danny.”

“And did he?”

“No.” Amanda smiled. “That man had a heart big enough to love anyone who crossed his path. He loved both his sons very much. And he loved me.”

“Then tell Silver about that legacy,” Connie said softly.