The Hero's Guide to Saving Your Kingdom (37 page)

“Of course they are,” Gustav said. He untied the drippy sack that hung from his belt and threw it to the ground. “And I carried around this stinking muskrat meat for nothing.”

“Show me how! Show me how!” Duncan said, bouncing.

“No,” Frank said.

“Come on, tell me some of those words,” Duncan begged. “Just one or two. What was it:
chup-chup
?” The dragon thwacked its tail into the dirt.

“No,” Frank repeated. “And stop trying to say dragon commands before you accidentally make it eat one of us.”

Duncan grumbled. “Why are you here, anyway? I told you three to go to Snow.”

“They did.” Snow White climbed out of her wagon and ran to Duncan.

“Snow!” Duncan exclaimed. The two embraced.

“Yeah, that’s right, don’t trust the dwarves,” Frank said bitterly. “We’re good for nothing.”

“What are you doing here?” Duncan asked as Snow spun him around to do a 360-degree injury check.

“Frank and the dwarfs did just what you asked of them,” she explained. “And when I heard about this crazy mission you were supposedly on, I demanded they take me right back to you. If even half of what they told me is true, you’ve gone completely insane. Why are you dressed like a ninja?”

“I assume you didn’t get the note from the bird, then?” Duncan asked.

“Are you talking about Monday Bird? Because that little slacker never showed up last week,” Snow said.

“That’s so unlike her!” Duncan remarked. “But anyway, no, I was talking about the robin I sent.”

“No, no robin,” Snow said. “Duncan, we’re getting off topic. Thank goodness the dwarfs and I showed up when we did. A few seconds later and … oh, I don’t want to think about it.”

“We could’ve handled it,” Gustav interjected. Snow looked at him.

“Are you one of the, uh, other princes?” she asked.

Gustav walked over and shook her hand, chuckling as he did. “I’m Gustav. You’re a very lucky woman.” Snow eyed him with suspicion for a second—there was no way this man could have been a Prince Charming—then turned back to her husband.

“Anyway, I’m so glad you’re okay,” she said. “What were you thinking, running off like that? To battle witches and giants? You get winded chasing squirrels.”

“Oh, it’s been fun. But I’m still so surprised that you came after me,” Duncan said, then added sheepishly, “I thought you were tired of me.”

“Oh, Dunky,” she said, caressing his wavy hair. “You drive me mad sometimes, but I still love you. I said I wanted a break; I didn’t want you to run away.”

Gustav groaned.

“Just promise me you’ll never do anything crazy again,” Snow said. “Oh, who am I kidding? Just don’t do anything crazy for the rest of the day. How about that?”

Duncan was silent.

“Duncan, I’m taking you home now,” she said.

“Uh … soon, okay?” he replied, and noticed the disappointment on Snow’s face. “You see, I’ve got these friends—seriously, they’re really my friends—and some of them are in big trouble. Liam’s inside that big scary place, and he’s been captured by a really nasty witch. And Cinderella’s up there, too! You should meet her—she’s very nice. And Frederic got taken off by a giant somewhere. And—”

“I’m here! And I’m fine,” Frederic said as he ran up to them.

“You’re all right? What happened?” Gustav asked. “Where’s the giant?”

“Okay, so it turned out that Reese—that’s the giant—he made the dummy that’s up in that cell in the tower. He didn’t want the witch to find out Ella had escaped,” Frederic explained. “Oh, new person! Frederic of Harmonia, at your service. And you are?”

“Snow White,” she replied.

“Well, that’s a pleasant surprise.”

“Ooh! That reminds me…,” Duncan said.

“And, oh my goodness, is that the dragon?” Frederic asked with a start.

Frank shoved his way in between Duncan and Snow White. “Don’t worry about her,” Frank said with a satisfied grin. “That dragon is
ours
now.”

“Oh, you fellows are here, too?” Frederic said. “I missed a lot, huh?”

“Yes, Frederic,” Duncan said. “And most importantly—”

“Not now,” Frederic interrupted. “I’ve got to tell you this story. So the giant is terrified of the witch. He’s afraid she’d do something terrible to him if she found out Ella was gone, something involving bacon. I didn’t quite follow that part. But anyway, when I explained to him that Liam had found the dummy and that he was in the tower right now, probably talking to the witch about it—”

“Frederic,” Duncan interrupted urgently.

“Just a moment! So I convinced Reese that he should run away and go into hiding. But he was certain the witch would hunt him down if he did, so I told him he should try to fool her again with a dummy of himself. He fancies himself a fabulous sculptor. Soooooo…” He led them toward the front of the tower and motioned to a large
something
sitting out in the meadow. “
That’s
the giant.”

An enormous pine tree had been stripped of all but two large branches, which stuck out to either side like a pair of arms. There was a crude face carved into the trunk near the top—two dots for eyes and a crooked slash for a mouth. Several dead yaks were piled onto the treetop for hair. And the tree was wearing the giant’s shirt.

“Does that mean the giant’s running around half-naked?” Gustav asked with a shudder.

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“Frederic!” Duncan shouted. Normally, his friend’s story would have held him rapt with attention, but he could no longer wait to break his news. “Ella’s inside!”

“Really? Ella’s here?”

“She got captured again by the witch,” Duncan said. “Liam did, too.”

“Where are they?” Frederick asked.

“Based on the crazy lights I’m seeing up there,” Gustav said, pointing to the tip of the observatory tower, “I’d say top floor.”

“Well, what are we standing here for?” Frederic said. “Let’s go.”

“I’m right behind you,” Gustav said. The two of them ran to the doors of the fortress. Frederic called back, “Duncan, are you coming?”

Duncan glanced from his friends to his wife, who was vigorously shaking her head. Those other princes were his first real friends. He’d imagined the four of them as old men, laughing together about their past escapades. It was one of the happiest daydreams he’d had in years. But Snow was his wife. And the first person to ever treat him with respect.

“I don’t think I can,” Duncan said sorrowfully.

“It’s okay,” Frederic said. “I understand. Really. You’ve been a good friend, Duncan.”

Frederic and Gustav entered the tower, ready for anything. But perhaps they would have chosen to stay with Duncan if they’d known the title of the next chapter.

28

P
RINCE
C
HARMING
I
S
D
OOMED

T
his is the second time in two days that I’ve been tied to something, and I’m getting a little sick of it,” Liam complained. Magical purple vines bound both him and Ella to black marble pillars in Zaubera’s sky-high observatory.

“Well, this is the third witch’s tower I’ve been in this month,” Ella commiserated from the pillar next to Liam.

“No talking, you two,” Zaubera scolded. She was at her desk, hurriedly sketching final details onto a diagram she’d titled, “The Grand Demise of Cinderella and Prince Charming.”

“What’s the matter, witch? Can’t concentrate?” Liam asked.

“Have no fear, Handsome. I’m fully capable of focusing on more than one thing at a time,” Zaubera replied without looking up. “Case in point: I’m carrying on a conversation with you, diagramming your doom,
and
using my unmatched mental strength to keep you two tied up nice and tight. Go ahead—try to wriggle free of my vines.”

Liam and Ella both struggled against their bindings but were unable to budge them. “We’ve got to do something to rattle her or we’ll never get out of here,” Liam whispered to Ella.

“I’ve got excellent hearing, too,” Zaubera singsonged.

“Why don’t you just zap us and be done with it?” Ella asked.

“Who would that impress?” the witch responded. With a sprightly energy that belied her age, Zaubera popped up from her seat and ran over to show Liam and Ella the new drawing she’d just finished. “See this?
This
will be remembered.”

Liam and Ella couldn’t quite decipher the complicated diagram, but what they could glean from it terrified them. Apparently, the witch planned to tie the two of them to the top of her observatory’s spire so they’d be in full view of—but utterly unreachable to—anybody who approached the fortress. According to the sketch, Zaubera was expecting huge amounts of people to charge the stronghold. She’d labeled them simply “heroes.” And whichever side they approached from, they’d be met with a grisly and certain doom. Rockslides would crush anyone coming from the east; those to the north would be tossed about and dashed into pieces by spontaneous tornadoes; people on the southern side would be engulfed in a wall of flame; and intruders from the west would be fried by a seemingly endless chain of lightning.

“We’re just the bait,” Liam said, horrified.

‘That’s right, genius,” Zaubera said. “It’s going to be spectacular. Just to be clear, though, I
am
going to kill you two as well. At the end.”

“Why are you doing this?” Ella asked.

“I hate heroes,” the witch said. “You think you’re better than everyone else. You think you can steal everybody else’s thunder? I’m finally going to get the fame I deserve. And I’m going to do it by destroying as many obnoxious heroes as I can. And it will be laughably easy. Because I know heroes. Whenever there’s a problem somewhere, you people think you’re the only ones who can save the day. You can’t help yourselves. You see a chance at glory and you rush headlong into it. Once I tell the world that I’ve kidnapped the most famous couple in the world, all I have to do is sit back and wait for the heroes to show up. And when they do, I will destroy them all. Because they will underestimate me and overestimate themselves. I will sit up here and pick them off long before they ever touch my fortress’s walls. And they’ll keep coming.”

Liam twisted and wiggled the fingers of his right hand until he was able to pull out one of the scrolls stuffed into his side pants pocket.

“One problem, witch: No one knows you’ve got us,” he said triumphantly. “Because we intercepted your ransom notes.”

Zaubera’s thin lips curled into a cold grin. “Oh, those notes got delivered to precisely the right people,” she said. “They were meant for you to read.”

Liam was speechless.

“As soon as I found out you were Prince Charming, I knew I had to have you for my grand finale. That courier you thought you were so lucky to catch? I had him follow your tracks from here and told him to make sure you four got the notes. I figured you would behave like typically predictable heroes and run straight back. Thank you for proving me right. Now I’ve got you as my extra-special bonus prisoner, and your three friends are no doubt dying outside as we speak. They’ll still be too stupid to run off for help. Am I wrong?”

Liam said nothing, his head hung low. How had he miscalculated so badly? Everything he’d done in the past two days played right into the witch’s hands. He was a failure.

“Besides,” said Zaubera. “Did you really think I’d announce my plot to the world with anything as mundane as handwritten notes? Watch this. The show’s about to begin.”

The witch made a few quick hand gestures and the observatory’s conical roof opened up above them, revealing a cloudless sky. Then, pumping her arms in the air, she launched a series of intensely bright sparks upward through the hole in the ceiling. It seemed to go on for minutes. Liam and Ella shut their eyes tight to keep out the blinding light. When the crackling sound stopped, they opened their eyes again and looked upward. There was a message, written in fire across the sky: CINDERELLA AND PRINCE CHARMING ARE MINE.

Thanks to the central location of the Orphaned Wastes, the enormous fiery letters could be seen from nearly every part of the five kingdoms that surrounded it. Throughout Sturmhagen, Sylvaria, Avondell, Harmonia, and Erinthia, people were scrambling in a panic. No one knew who had sent the message, but they knew it was obviously a magic-user of incredible power—and they had no reason to doubt what she said. And just as Zaubera had hoped, heroes everywhere snapped into action. Knights donned their armor; rangers filled their quivers and tossed their bows over their shoulders. Soldier readied their lances, warriors sharpened their swords, swashbucklers buckled their swashes. In a matter of time, they would all converge on Mount Batwing.

“Her plan’s going to work,” Liam said in a resigned tone.

“Why do you say that?” Ella asked, frustrated.