There were the pencil markings on the wooden doorframe. A long time ago, Ellen had recorded her children’s growth there every year. And Hayden’s name was right there among the names of all five Fitzpatrick kids. She had a vague memory of getting in line to step onto the threshold, head against the wall, and then staring at the new markings afterwards. Hayden had always been shorter than Heath, Shane, and Kayleigh, and even the twins, who were five years younger than her, had quickly passed her by. All Fitzpatricks were very tall. Even Kayleigh, the only girl among four brothers, was five-foot-ten, much taller than your average girl, and yet she had to look up at all her brothers. Among the family, Hayden had always felt like a midget, and often still did today.
When she entered the kitchen and saw Ellen and Kyle standing together, preparing the salad, she couldn’t help noticing once again how tall Kyle was. At the age of twenty-three, Kyle could easily see the top of his mom’s head. He and his twin, Ryan, were both blond, but the family likeness was still striking. Unlike Kayleigh, all the brothers had faces with distinctive, sharp features, the same obstinate chin, and a wide mouth. The sun always started shining when any one of them chose to smile.
Hayden’s mom had prophesied years ago that the Fitzpatrick bunch would drive the Boston girls crazy one day, and she hadn’t been completely wrong. For years now, Hayden had watched various female heads turn when one of the brothers entered a room. All four of them at once often meant mayhem and chaos. Handsome men that wore uniforms and could be very charming if they chose to were real magnets for the female sex. Bostonians of Irish descent, the Fitzpatricks had been raised good Catholics and still went to church and confession on a regular basis, but that didn’t mean they were all goody-goodies. The twins had practiced flirting from an early age, Kayleigh was known for her filthy mouth and many male conquests, Shane had more ex-girlfriends than Hugh Hefner, much to his parents’ chagrin, and Heath …
Well, Hayden had to admit that Heath had never caused his parents any trouble in that respect. He’d only ever had one girlfriend—and that was her.
Hayden and her parents moved to Boston when she was five. Her dad had become Joseph’s new colleague at the station, and the whole family had been invited to dinner at the Fitzpatricks’ the very first weekend. That’s when Hayden met Heath, who was her age, and they had become instant bosom buddies. There was not one day in all those years they had been apart, not even when Hayden started college, because she chose the local community college in order to stay close to him. Despite their Catholic upbringings, they had moved in together before they were married, first in a tiny rented apartment, and then they’d bought the old house. Even though he’d never said so directly, Hayden knew he’d wanted to wait to get married until he could afford to own a real home for the two of them. And she’d been completely satisfied as long as they could be together. He loved her; she loved him—and that had been enough. And about a year ago, he’d finally asked her the big question.
She quickly shook off these thoughts before they could darken her mood too much, slapped a smile on her face, and hoped it looked convincing.
Then she cleared her throat. “Hello! Am I too early?”
Kyle grinned. “Maybe you are, but your bread pudding is always right on time.” He took the dish from her and placed a kiss on her forehead.
“Shut up, you rascal.” Ellen Fitzpatrick wrinkled her nose at him before welcoming Hayden with a warm look. “Great to see you, love. You didn’t have to bring anything, though.”
“But I like seeing my food devoured by hungry wolves.” Her smile became more genuine as she placed her car keys down on the table and grabbed a spoon to get a taste of Ellen’s fantastic rosemary gravy.
At the same time, someone snorted loudly behind her back. “Mom, don’t you give her weird ideas! I love her bread pudding.”
She turned around and met Kyle’s glance. “Thanks.”
He gave her an encouraging nod, which made her feel all warm inside. Kayleigh had probably told her younger brother about Hayden’s encounter with Heath. Nothing ever remained secret for long in this family. She could still vividly remember the barbecue at which Ellen had told everyone that Kayleigh had just started her first period. She could still hear the righteous anger of her thirteen-year-old friend, as well as Shane’s inappropriate comments. Yep, everything was discussed by the whole family, whether it was one member’s chosen vacation destination, someone’s new shower curtain, or the only daughter’s first period. The boys should’ve counted themselves lucky that none of them had ever been caught masturbating, for that would surely have become a conversation topic at the dinner table, too.
“Darling, would you mind seeing to the carrots?”
Hayden patted Ellen’s back and realized that the older woman had gotten far too thin. She
had
been eating like a bird for the last three months, and she must have lost too much weight in that time. While checking on the simmering carrots, Hayden decided she would speak to Kayleigh about it. She was a physician, after all, so she ought to be more vigilant about her own mother’s health.
Trying to distract herself from all the worries, Hayden asked in a forcedly calm tone, “Where are Ryan and Shane?”
“Shane’s in the garage, looking at Mom’s car, and Ryan is due back any minute,” Kyle replied. “He just got off duty.”
Ellen pushed a strand of graying blond hair from her face and turned to her son. “Kyle, could you and your sister please set the table now?”
The happy-go-lucky youngster had spent most of his life complaining about chores, but this time he immediately did what his mother asked. For the last three months, all the Fitzpatrick kids had done everything they could to help their mom, always being nice and considerate to her and each other. No more fights or loud, heated discussions. Instead, they strove to anticipate her every wish. Ryan had even subleased his room close to the station and moved back in with his mom.
Of course, this newfound harmony was nice, but it couldn’t override the pervasive and oppressive feeling of grief, which heavily weighed down on all of them and kept them from going back to normal—boisterous and happy. Hayden often caught herself walking on eggshells around Ellen, going to great lengths to keep all worries and cares from her. That was also the reason she didn’t bring up Heath to her former mother-in-law-to-be.
Ellen seemed to see right through her, however, and as soon as Kyle left the kitchen, she sighed, giving Hayden a sharp look. “Your eyes are swollen, darling.”
Hayden swallowed and shrugged helplessly.
“Don’t you think you should start telling me what’s going on between you and Heath?”
“You already know that he moved out,” Hayden answered quietly.
Ellen sighed even louder. “None of you told me a word of what was going on. I had to hear it weeks later from Ms. Murphy, when I met her at the post office. Even Kayleigh didn’t tell me, and she couldn’t keep a secret for the pope!”
“We didn’t want to tell you,” Hayden admitted. She was unsure what to say next. “We just … we didn’t want to cause you any more pain.”
“I know that, darling, but I still want to know what’s going on within the family.”
The last word almost made Hayden flinch. She had always been part of this family, but her separation from Heath meant she didn’t belong to the Fitzpatrick clan any longer … Didn’t it?
“You shouldn’t worry too much about us, Ellen.”
“When my own son is making you cry and hardly ever shows his face in this house, I can’t help but worry.”
Hayden suddenly wished she had stayed home, after all. She took a deep breath. “Kayleigh thinks Heath just needs more time.”
“And what do you think?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know what to think, Ellen.”
“Don’t you want to tell me what’s behind his decision to move out?”
She suddenly felt an itch on her ring finger, below the smooth silver of the engagement ring Heath had given her more than a year ago. She didn’t want to bother Ellen with her problems, but she couldn’t lie to her either.
“Heath doesn’t want to get married anymore,” she explained, sounding calmer than she felt. Her insides were trembling. “At first I thought it was just a brooding thought that would pass, but now I know it isn’t.”
“Oh, darling …”
“It’s okay.” Hayden gave her a shaky smile. “I just need a little time to process that.”
“Do you want me to talk to him?”
Ellen meant well, but Hayden didn’t think it was a good idea to pull her into this any more than necessary. Heath’s decision seemed irrevocable, like even a hundred talks with his mother wouldn’t change anything. “I’m afraid that wouldn’t help, Ellen, but thank you for the suggestion.”
“What are you going to do now?”
That was a good question. Outwardly calm, but with a pounding heart, Hayden wet her lips. “We need to sell the house, and I need to look for an apartment.”
Ellen heaved another loud sigh. “I don’t even want to think about a thing like that. Whatever got into the boy?”
Hayden felt like saying she’d like to know the answer to that question, too, but she just silently wiped her hands on a kitchen towel and then opened the door to the backyard. “I’m going to tell Shane dinner’s ready.”
“You do that, darling. Thank you.”
Hayden crossed the yard and went over to the garage, taking a deep breath and hoping nobody would think of broaching the subject at the dinner table. Her soul ached when she realized that, once again, Heath would not be sitting at said table with the rest of his family. It simply wasn’t like him to stay away so much. He had always been the model son, the responsible eldest who dropped by to help his dad with work around the house, who carried the groceries inside for his mom and never missed Sunday Mass, because he knew how much it meant to her. His current behavior was out of character, and everyone knew that.
Still lost in thought, she went to open the garage door but stopped herself when she smelled cigarette smoke. Wrinkling her nose, she pulled her hand away from the door handle and sauntered down the narrow pebble path that wound along the back of the garage. There, she found Shane, leaning against the wall, smoking his cigarette and as lost in thought as she had just been.
“Hey.”
Like a sinner caught red-handed, he winced and bolted upright, only to immediately relax again when he realized it was Hayden who caught him, not his mom.
“Hi.” Shane nodded at her and took another drag. “You okay?”
“Depends on how you look at it.” She shrugged and pushed her sandals through the small pebbles, focusing on the weeds that needed pulling. The crunch of the pebbles played around the sound of snoring coming from beyond the hedge. The neighbor was probably taking a nap in his hammock. When they were kids, they’d played in that very same hammock. She remembered falling out again and again, but it had been a lot of fun.
“Kayleigh told me what the idiot said to you.”
Hayden didn’t need to ask who the idiot was. She feigned exasperation. “Can’t anything ever stay secret in this family?”
“You want me to beat him up for you?”
“He’s your brother, Shane,” she scolded. “I’d be much happier if you made peace with him.”
“And what makes you think it’s my turn to reach out to him?” He dropped the cigarette butt and ground it under his heel.
She felt like chiding him, looking into his mulish face. Apart from the light brown eyes, he and Heath looked far too similar, though Shane’s nose was a little crooked. About two years ago, he’d been in a fight with a fellow officer, which had led to a broken nose and a month of unpaid leave, a rather mild penalty. Of all the Fitzpatricks, Shane had the most fiery temper. He’d repeatedly gotten in trouble with his superiors at the police academy, and Joseph kept telling him he’d better become a lawyer instead of a policeman—because an angry lawyer didn’t have a service weapon. Shane was a good policeman, no doubt about that, but it meant he had to reign in his hot temper, and that wasn’t always easy for a hotspur like him.
“Don’t you think it would relieve some of the pressure on the family if you and Heath could bury the hatchet?” Hayden asked.
“What hatchet?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe the reason you two haven’t been talking to each other for three months now?”
“Hayden, before we can bury
that
hatchet, he’s got to explain to me exactly what went down that night.”
She briefly closed her eyes. “But you read the report—”
“I want to hear it from him.”
Well, the day couldn’t get any worse, she decided. A huge lump was forming in her throat. “Shane, are you aware of what you’re saying ? Heath is not to blame for anything—he didn’t do anything wrong. But he’s suffering, and you should show your support and understanding.”
“Why are you, of all people, defending my brother?”
“Your brother broke up with me,” Hayden replied in a thick voice, “but that doesn’t mean I no longer care about him.”
“Oh Jesus!” Shane rolled his eyes. “Why do you always have to be such a martyr, Hayden? You’re allowed to be angry with him, you know!”
Without a word, she turned around to walk away, but he caught her by the wrist. “Look, I’m sorry, okay?”