I didn't care about the drinking or the pressure tonight. I just wanted to be outside in the fresh air. I couldn't help but hope that if I was outside, I would have a better chance of seeing him again.
Emma grabbed her plate to take to the sink and raised her eyebrows at me. "What's going on?" she mouthed silently.
I shook my head and glanced back at Oma. She was too busy talking to Cathy to notice the exchange between Emma and me.
We cleared the rest of the dishes and placed them in the sink. Then grabbing the coffee pot, I refilled both Oma's and Cathy's cups. As long as they had hot coffee, I knew they could sit there all night talking. As Oma and Cathy gossiped about the new priest at St. Mary's Parish, I grabbed Emma's hand. "Let's go get ready."
"I thought you didn't want to go to the bonfire?" Emma said quietly as she trailed behind me.
"I don't. But it's a good excuse to get outside." I explained my theory that the more time I spent outside, the more likely I would see him again.
"Okay," Emma acquiesced. "Who knows. You might just have a really good time," she said, playfully punching my shoulder.
"Doubtful." Once in the bedroom, Emma sat on my bed and began flipping through a Vogue magazine that was on my nightstand. I quickly grabbed clothes from drawers and my floor and walked into the bathroom. I yanked down my stretch pants and pulled off the sweatshirt. Then I pulled on a pair of jeans and a clean tank top. I took my ponytail down and shook out my long hair, brushing through it a few times. I glanced at in the mirror. Something was missing. My pin. I needed that pin. A brief spasm of panic stuttered through my heart.
Where is my pin? What have I done with it? Did I lose it already?
I raced around my room, wildly picking things off the floor in search for my pin. I wasn't leaving the house without it - the only tangible piece of evidence that he existed. Hot tears of frustration filled my eyes.
Where is my pin?
"Jacey? What are you doing?" Emma asked, watching me with curious eyes.
I answered without looking at her. "I can't find my pin." I didn't want her to see the tears that were threatening to escape.
"Jacey...right here," Emma said quietly, presenting her hand to me. I stopped my frantic search and snatched the glittering pin from her hand. I glared at her accusingly.
"I'm sorry, Jace. I took it off your sweatshirt when you flung it on the ground. I didn't want you to forget it." Emma was so sincere. I knew she hadn't taken the pin maliciously. She really was just trying to help.
"Thanks, Em," I said sheepishly. I put on my white sweater and tied the ties around my waist. Looking back in the mirror again, I pinned the angel's wings on the lapel of my sweater, close to my heart. Then I stood there, looking in the mirror. But, I really wasn't looking at my reflection in the mirror; I was focused on the pin. A warm feeling of peace and calmness covered my body as I stared at the tiny, sparkling pin. With a sigh, I rubbed the little pin with my fingers.
"Um....Jacey?" Emma called out, stretching over the bed to look into the bathroom and see what I was doing. "Are you ready? It's already getting dark out."
"Yes, let's go." I sighed and turned towards Emma, trying to smile at her. Emma started giggling. "What?" I asked defensively. Instinctually, my hand went to the top of my head, patting down any possible defects of my hair.
Emma covered her mouth with her hand, trying hard to stifle the laughter. "I'm sorry," she finally said. "It's just that you look like you're on death row and you're walking to your execution. Geez, Jacey. It's just a bonfire." And she started laughing again.
I couldn't help but laugh a little myself. I could only imagine the grimace that that I presented to Emma in an attempt to make it seem that I wanted to go to the bonfire. To be honest, I did feel like I was going to my execution. "Come on," I said, pulling her off my bed.
We were both still giggling when we ran down the stairs. Oma and Cathy were still chatting at the kitchen table. They had placed two more cups for coffee on the table. I could see the chocolate bridge mix on one side of the table and the cards on the other side.
"We're leaving to go to the bonfire, Oma," I told her.
"Where is the bonfire at, hon?"
"It's on the beach by Dark Pier."
"Well, try not to be out too late, Jacey. You know I can't sleep until you're safe at home."
I came up behind Oma and kissed the top of her gray head. "Of course, Oma," I said affectionately. "Have fun playing bridge."
Grabbing my bag, Emma and I started out the door for her pickup truck. I watched Emma run to her truck and found myself wishing I felt that same excitement about going to the bonfire instead of the dread I actually felt.
Sighing loudly, I rubbed my fingers over my. Remembering my hope for the evening made going to the lake a little easier. I was still standing in the doorway of our home, when the horn of Emma's truck startled me back to reality. Two loud, short blasts broke through the quiet evening.
"Come on!" Emma urged, her head hanging out the driver's side window.
I smiled walking over to the truck. "I am going to have fun tonight," I said as I hopped into the cab.
Emma laughed. "Are you trying to convince me or you?"
I laughed in return. "I think both."
Emma started the truck and it roared to life. We drove through the little town, past the homes with their white, picket fences, past the grocery store and pharmacy, and past the library at the edge of town. When we passed the library, I couldn't help but stare at the large, oak tree where I first saw him. I half expected him to be there again and was disappointed when he was not.
Emma turned left down Lake Drive, the road that would take us to the lake, the beach, and our bonfire destination; Dark Pier. During daylight hours, Lake Drive was a beautiful, scenic drive. Many a Sunday afternoon, Opa would drive us down this road toward the beach. Lake Michigan glistened in the afternoon sun and waves lapped up to the shore. But tonight, our drive was dark except for the headlights lighting up the asphalt ahead of us.
I looked over at Emma as she drove. She was moving to the beats of Kid Rock's "All Summer Long," which blasted from the radio. She tapped her fingers on the steering wheel in time to the music and chomped on her gum.
I relaxed a little and focused on the beats of the music. I felt the cool evening breeze waft through my half-open window. Closing my eyes, I rubbed my pin and pictured his face again. The thick brown hair, the startling deep blue eyes, and the brilliant whiteness of his teeth formed an image that calmed me.
I felt the truck begin to slow and turn. I opened my eyes as Emma put the truck in park. "We're here!"
As I stepped out of the truck, I saw the huge bonfire burning on the beach. There were people everywhere talking and laughing. Past the bonfire, I could make out the dark structure that I knew to be Dark Pier jutting out into the lake. The rhythmic crashing of the waves on the beach could be heard over the voices.
"Come on," Emma urged waving me forward.
I walked slowly towards the bonfire, slightly behind Emma.
Emma yelled out "Hey!" waving wildly at the group of people. Many waved back and yells of recognition followed. I stepped into view from behind Emma and could hear whispers of wonder at my presence. It had been a long time since I'd come to a bonfire. The last time, I'd caused quite a scene because of all the underage drinking.
When I heard someone murmur, "Is that Jacey Brindle?" my stomach lurched with dread. I began to wish I had just stayed home with Oma and her friends. We came closer to the groups, and I noticed many were kids from schools; Natalie, Sara, Robby, CJ, the Waldron twins, and of course the gossiping Evie Tender. Evie was busy flirting with Kent. She giggled and flipped her long, auburn hair with her hand.
Emma and I joined the group, and Kent stopped looking at Evie. She turned to see what had gained his attention. When she saw me, Evie sneered, "What are you doing here?"
Emma smiled sweetly back at Evie. "We were invited. And the last time I checked this was a public beach."
"I'm just totally surprised she would come back after what she did last time," Evie said indignantly. Although she didn't say my name, everyone knew she was talking about me.
I grabbed Emma's elbow and whispered, "I'm going back to the truck." But as I turned, a familiar voice called out, "Well, well, well. Jacey Brindle. It's about damn time!"
Jamie McMann appeared from the shadows illuminated by the soft light of the fire. He was grinning widely, the dimple on his chin the only shadow on his face. His blond hair was pulled into a low ponytail. I noticed he wasn't wearing his glasses.
Smiling, I walked towards him. "Hey, Jamie." Besides Emma, Jamie was one of my closest friends. We didn't see each other much during the school year because we went to different schools. But during the past few summers, we spent a lot of time together fishing, biking, and running. I always felt comfortable with him. I imagined if I had a brother, I would care about him like I cared about Jamie.
Jamie opened his arms when I got close. I was grateful for his warm embrace. Jamie was a big guy, sturdy and strong; in fact, he was a linebacker on the varsity football team at his school. I wouldn't have been surprised if colleges were trying to recruit him as well. He squeezed me, easily lifting me off my feet.
"God, Jamie," I tried to get out. "I'm happy to see you too."
Jamie laughed in response, setting me down. "How the hell are you? I haven't seen you in so long." He lightly pushed me away so he could see me better.
"I'm good. Ya know, just gearing up for graduation. How about you?" I couldn't keep the happiness from my voice. I was relieved to see him. Maybe I really could have fun tonight.
"Yeah, me too. My ma is driving me crazy. Planning a big party and all." Jamie rolled his eyes at the last part. But he was still smiling.
"Oma is doing the same for me. I know exactly how you feel." And I did. If Oma talked about my graduation party one more time, I thought I would scream.
"You still running?" Jamie asked.
"Yeah, I went out this morning," I answered. My mind turned briefly to the memory of the morning and the memory of him.
"Me too. Although it's been awhile," Jamie said interrupting my thoughts, "It's great off season conditioning for football. The next time you run, give me a call. I'll go with you," he added. "God, I've missed you." His smile faded slightly.
"I've missed you too," I said, quietly. I looked down, realizing we were still holding hands. I looked back at Jamie and suddenly felt a little shy. The smile had completely faded from Jamie's face, and he was still looking at me. As I dropped my hands from his, I felt my cheeks grow hot and my eyes broke from his. I was grateful for the darkness to hide my blushing.
I tried to avoid the sudden awkwardness between us by looking around. "Where's Emma?"
"She's over there talking to those kids from your school." He pointed past me to where Emma was standing with Sara, Robby, CJ, and the Waldron twins.
I looked towards Emma and her group, ignoring my desire to turn towards Jamie. I had never felt shy or uncomfortable around him before. I was bothered that I felt so now.
"Jace...it is good to see you," Jamie began quietly. I slowly and reluctantly faced him.
"Yeah?" I replied warily.
"Really," Jamie answered in reply, although I don't think I asked him a question.
"Really," he repeated, and he started laughing again, throwing his head back.
Relief poured over me.
Why am I feeling so uncomfortable?
This was just Jamie; just warm, relaxing, easy-going, friendly Jamie. I playfully punched him in the shoulder. "Don't be going all mushy on me, tough guy."
"Ow," Jamie playfully grabbed his shoulder where I had punched him. He was so much bigger and stronger than me that I could never really hurt him. He gave me a fake pout, puffing his bottom lip out for me, playing along. "You thirsty?" he asked.
"Yes, as long as it's not beer."
Jamie frowned. "I know that. I have Coke in my cooler." Jamie knew how I felt about underage drinking. He'd seen the scene I caused at the last bonfire I attended. He turned from the fire and the groups of kids surrounding it. He walked into the shadows by a large piece of old driftwood and I followed. I glanced back at Emma who was in animated conversation with Natalie and Sara. I gave her a quick wave to let her know I was going with Jamie. She smiled and waved back.
We reached his cooler and he opened the lid. "Diet or regular?"
"What the hell. I'm feeling daring tonight. Regular," I joked.
"Yikes," Jamie feigned concern. "Don't be going all crazy on me tonight," he laughed tossing me a can of regular Coke.
I popped the can open and sat on the colorful blanket Jamie had set on the sand. He sat as well and we faced the bonfire our backs against the driftwood for support.
We sat in silence watching everyone else for a moment. Some guys from school were throwing a football around the bonfire. Evie had gone back to flirting with Kent, although he didn't appear to be very interested. Emma, Natalie, and Sara were laughing with each other. Emma kept stealing glances at Robby, who was seated on the sand next to CJ and Riley. The fire burned brightly, the flames sending fiery sparks up to the stars. I relaxed and listened to the combination of soft voices, crashing waves, and the crackling of the fire.
It was chilly by the lake and the breeze blew through my sweater sending my body into shivers. "Geez, it sure is chilly away from the fire," I said through chattering teeth. I tried to pull my sweater tighter and brought my knees in close to my chest.
"Here, I brought an extra blanket." Jamie reached behind the driftwood and brought out a thick blanket. He covered me with it and repositioned himself next to me. He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. The heat from his large frame was so inviting that I couldn't help myself from snuggling closer to his body.