Fyodor Dostoyevsky once said: ‘The secret of man’s being is not only to live, but to have something to live for.’ Have you ever considered this or other questions such as: What’s life all about? What are you here for? What makes your life worth living?
It’s amazing how many of us have never deeply considered these questions. We go through life following the same routine, day after day. But in order to create a rich, full and meaningful life, we need to stop to reflect on what we’re doing and why we’re doing it. So it’s time now to ask yourself:
Don’t worry if you don’t have all these answers on the tip of your tongue. Over the next few chapters we’ll explore them in depth, and your answers will connect you with your values.
We’ve already touched on values several times in this book. Values are:
When you go through life guided by your values, not only do you gain a sense of vitality and joyfulness, but you also experience that life can be rich, full and meaningful, even when bad things happen. Take the case of my good friend Fred.
Fred had a business venture that went horribly wrong. As a result, he and his wife lost almost everything they owned, including their house. In dire financial straits, they decided to move from the city out to the country, so they could live somewhere decent with affordable rent. There Fred found a job at a local boarding school that catered to foreign school students, mainly teenagers from China and Korea.
This job was totally unrelated to Fred’s business experience. His duties involved maintaining order and security in the boarding house, ensuring that the kids did their homework and making sure they went to bed at the right time. He would also sleep in the boarding house overnight and prepare the children for school the next morning.
Many people in Fred’s shoes would have been deeply depressed. After all, he’d lost his business, his house and a huge amount of money, and now he was stuck in a low-paying job that kept him away from his wife five nights a week!
But Fred realised he had two choices: he could dwell on his losses, beat himself up and make himself miserable, or he could make the most of it.
Fortunately, he chose the latter.
Fred had always valued coaching, mentoring and supporting others and now he decided to bring these values into the workplace. So he began to teach the children useful skills, such as how to iron their clothes and cook simple meals. He also organised the school’s first-ever talent contest and helped the kids film a humorous documentary about student life. On top of this, he became the students’ unofficial counsellor. Many of them came to him for help and advice in dealing with their various troubles: relationship difficulties, family issues, problems with studies and so on. None of these things were part of Fred’s job description and he didn’t get any extra pay for doing them; he did them purely and simply because he valued giving and caring. And as a result, what could have been a mundane job became work that was meaningful and satisfying.
At the same time, Fred didn’t give up on his career. While he needed this job in the short term to pay the bills, he continued to look for work that he genuinely desired. He’d always been an excellent organiser and administrator, with a particular interest in theatrical and musical events, and this was the area he most wanted to work in. Eventually, after many months of applying for all sorts of work, Fred found a job as the organiser of a local arts festival. It was a job that fulfilled him, paid him well and allowed him to spend a lot more time with his wife.
Fred’s story serves as a great example of how we can live by our values even when life treats us harshly. It’s also a good example of how we can find fulfilment in any job—even if it’s one we don’t want—by bringing those values into the workplace. That way, even while we search or train for a better job, we can find satisfaction within the one we have.
It’s important to recognise that values are not the same as goals. A value is a direction we desire to keep moving in; an ongoing process that never reaches an end. For example, the desire to be a loving and caring partner is a value. It’s ongoing for the rest of your life. The moment you stop being loving and caring, you are no longer living by that value.
A goal is a desired outcome that can be achieved or completed. For example, the desire to get married is a goal. Once achieved, it’s ‘done’ and can be crossed off the list. Once you’re married you’re married, no matter how loving and kind, or how hard-hearted and uncaring you are to your partner.
A value is like heading west. No matter how far you travel, there’s always farther west you can go.
A goal is like a mountain or river you wish to cross on your westward journey. Once you’ve gone over it, it’s a ‘done deal’.
If you want a better job, that’s a goal. Once you’ve got it: goal achieved. But if you want to apply yourself fully at work, to be attentive to detail, supportive to your colleagues and engaged in what you’re doing, those are values.
Auschwitz was the most notorious of the Nazi death camps. We can scarcely begin to imagine what took place there: the horrific abuse and torture, the extremes of human degradation, the countless deaths through disease, violence, starvation and the infamous mass gas chambers. Viktor Frankl was a Jewish psychiatrist who survived years of unspeakable horror in Auschwitz and other camps, which he described in gruesome detail in his awe-inspiring book
Man’s Search for Meaning.
One of the most fascinating revelations in this book is that, contrary to what you would expect, the people who survived longest in the death camps were often not the physically fittest and strongest, but rather, those who were most connected with a purpose in life. If prisoners could connect with something they valued, such as a loving relationship with their children or an important book they wished to write, that connection gave them something to live for; something that made it worthwhile to endure all that suffering. Those who could not connect with a deeper value soon lost the will to live—and thus, their lives.
Frankl’s own sense of purpose came from several sources. For example, he deeply valued his loving relationship with his wife and was determined to survive so he could one day see her again. Many a time during strenuous work shifts in the snow, with his feet in agony from frostbite and his body racked with pain from brutal beatings, he would conjure up a mental image of his wife and think about how much he loved her. That sense of connection was enough to keep him going.
Another of Frankl’s values lay in helping others and so, throughout his time in the camps, he consistently helped other prisoners to cope with their suffering. He listened compassionately to their woes, gave them words of kindness and inspiration and tended to the sick and the dying. Most importantly, he helped people to connect with their own deepest values so they could find a sense of meaning, of purpose. This would then quite literally give them the strength to survive. As the great philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, ‘He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.’
Life involves hard work. All meaningful projects require effort, whether you’re raising kids, renovating your house, learning kung fu or starting your own business. These things are challenging. Unfortunately, all too often, when faced with a challenge we think, ‘It’s too hard’ and we give up or avoid it. That’s where our values come in.
Connecting with our values gives us a sense that our hard work is worth the effort. For instance, if we value connecting with nature, this makes it worth the effort to organise a trip to the countryside. If we value being a loving parent, it’s worth taking the time to play with our kids. If we value our health, we’re willing to exercise on a regular basis despite the inconvenience and exertion. In this way, values act as motivators. We may not feel like exercising, but valuing our health can give us the will to ‘just do it!’.
The same principle applies to life in general. Many of my clients ask questions like, ‘What’s the point of life?’, ‘Is this all there is?’, ‘Why don’t I feel excited about anything?’ Others say things like, ‘Maybe the world would be better off without me’, ‘I have nothing to offer’, ‘Sometimes I wish I could go to bed and never wake up again.’
Such thoughts are commonplace not just among the 10 per cent of adults who suffer from depression at any given time, but also among the rest of the population. Values provide a powerful antidote: a way to give your life purpose, meaning and passion.
Here’s a simple exercise to get you started on clarifying your values. Please take a few minutes to write out or think about your answers. (You’ll get more out of it if you write!) Imagine that you’re 80 years old and you’re looking back on your life as it is today. Then finish the following sentences:
How did it go? For many people this simple exercise is quite an eye-opener. It often points to a big difference between what we
value
doing and what we are
actually
doing. In the next chapter we’ll explore your values in more detail. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this oft-quoted extract from
Man’s Search for Meaning:
Deep down inside, what do you
really
want? Usually when I ask people this question, people reply with superficial answers like:
Now, these may all be truthful answers, but they’re not particularly ‘deep’, reflective or carefully considered. So in this chapter we will go deeper, to connect with your heart and soul. The pages that follow are a questionnaire—a series of questions inspired by Kelly Wilson’s ‘Valued Living Questionnaire’—to help you find out what you
really
want!
Although many of us have similar values, no two people are exactly the same and this is not some test to see if you have the ‘right’ ones. There is no right or wrong, no good or bad, when it comes to values. What you value is what you value, full stop! There’s no need to justify or defend your values any more than there is a need to justify or defend your favourite flavour of ice cream. My favourite ice cream is maple walnut. Why? I don’t know. My taste buds just prefer it. Do I have to justify it? If someone else prefers vanilla, does that mean their tastebuds are ‘right’ and mine are ‘wrong’? Obviously not! And it’s exactly the same with values. Someone else may have different values from yours, but that doesn’t mean that theirs are better or worse—it just means they value different things.
In the last chapter we spoke about the difference between values and goals. The aim of this chapter is to consider what you want in life in terms of general directions,
not
in terms of specific goals. We’ll look at setting goals later, once you know what your values are.
There may be some sections in this chapter that seem unimportant to you. If so, that’s fine—not everyone values the same things, so just move on to the next section. Also, there may be considerable overlap. For example, if you value being helpful, supportive and caring, that may show up in several different domains, such as friendship, family and parenting.
As you keep reading, it’s important not to get side-tracked by your mind—by stories about what is realistic or what you (or others) believe you deserve. In answering these questions, you’re daring to dream; looking at possibilities, not absolute certainties. So answer as if there were no obstacles in your way; nothing to stop you from making the changes you want.
Finally, it’s preferable that you actually write down your answers. Writing concentrates your thinking and helps you to consciously remember what you answer. (If, however, you’re not willing to write, then at least think long and hard about your answers.)
As you work through this questionnaire, it’s important to keep in mind that feelings are not values. If you say, ‘I want to feel confident’, or ‘I want to feel happy’, those are goals, not values. Why? Because a feeling of confidence or a feeling of happiness can be achieved, done and completed. A feeling is not an ongoing process; it’s a transient event, like a television program. Once you’ve watched the program: goal accomplished. Likewise, once you’ve had a feeling of happiness: goal accomplished. So if in your answers to these questions, you keep writing about how you want to feel, then you need to ask yourself: ‘If I did feel this way, what would I do differently? How would I act differently? How would I behave differently in my relationships with others?’ Your answers then reveal your underlying values. Okay, enough talk. Now it’s time for the questionnaire.
Values Domain No.1: Family
1. What sort of brother/sister, son/daughter, father/mother (or other relative) do you want to be?
2. What personal qualities would you like to bring to these relationships?
3. How would you treat others if you were the ‘ideal you’ in these relationships?
4. What sort of ongoing activities do you want to do with your relatives?
5. What sort of relationships do you want to build?
Notice that these questions are all about you: how you would like to be and what you would like to contribute to these relationships. Why? Because the only aspect of a relationship you have control over is the way
you behave.
You have no control over what the other person thinks, feels or behaves. Sure, you can influence them, but you can’t control them. And what’s the best way to influence them? With your actions, of course! And those actions will be most effective when they’re aligned with your values.
For example, if a relative is treating you poorly, you have every right to request that they change their behaviour. But they are far more likely to go along with your request if you are being the ‘ideal you’: loving, supportive, accepting, caring and helpful. If you’re all caught up in anger, bitterness or resentment, don’t expect much of a positive response from the other person.
On the same note, if you’re being true to your values and yet your relative continues to treat you poorly, then it makes sense to spend less time with them. After all, you have values about looking after your own health and wellbeing—and those need to be considered too. It may even be the case that you need to stop seeing this relative altogether if they’re continually hostile or abusive. Remember: being helpful, loving and supportive doesn’t mean subjecting yourself to abuse. At the same time, the last of the questions above is important to consider, because even if your relationships have been bad in the past, you can start building better ones right now.
Values Domain No.2: Marriage and Other Intimate Relationships
1. What sort of partner would you like to be in an intimate relationship?
2. What personal qualities would you like to develop within this relationship?
3. How would you treat your partner if you were the ‘ideal you’ in this relationship?
4. What sort of relationship do you want to build?
5. What sort of ongoing activities do you want to do with your partner?
You’ll notice that these are virtually identical to the first set of questions. Again, they’re all about how you want to be, not about how you want your partner to be. Why? Because in any relationship, you only have control over one person and that’s you. How your partner behaves is up to your partner. Of course, it is in your control to request changes from your partner and to set boundaries on what you will and won’t accept. And as I said, this will be far more effective if you’re behaving as the ‘ideal you’. These same principles apply to all the relationships you have with friends, family, colleagues, employees and anyone you’ll ever meet! Remember the golden rule: treat others as you’d like them to treat you.
Sometimes, as a response to the above questions, my clients jot down a long list of the qualities they’re looking for in a partner. But in describing the sort of partner you want, you’re describing a goal. To get to your values in this domain, you need to ask, ‘If I did find the partner I want, how would I like to be in that relationship? What personal qualities would I like to bring to it?’ (Of course, it can be very useful to think about the sort of partner you’d like—but that’s not what this exercise is about.)
Values Domain No.3: Friendships
1. What does it mean to you to be a good friend?
2. If you could be the ‘ideal you’, how would you behave toward your friends?
3. What personal qualities would you like to bring to these friendships?
4. What sort of friendships do you want to build?
5. What sort of ongoing activities do you want to do with your friends?
Once again, these questions focus on what’s in your control: how you behave as a friend. If you’ve written about the sort of friends you’d like, that’s useful. You can set yourself a goal to go out and meet people like that. But to clarify your values on friendship, you need to ask yourself, ‘What sort of friend would I like to be?’
Values Domain No.4: Employment
1. What sort of worker or employer would you like to be?
2. What personal qualities would you like to bring to the workplace?
3. How would you treat your co-workers/colleagues/employees if you were the ‘ideal you’ in your workplace?
4. What sort of relationships do you want to build with your workers/colleagues/employees?
5. What sort of ongoing activities do you want to do with your workers/colleagues/employees?
6. What would make your work more meaningful (regardless of whether you like it)?
Sometimes my clients write a long description of the ideal job they want. But in describing your ideal job, you’re describing a goal. To get to your values around work, you need to ask, ‘If I did have the job I want, how would I behave differently when I’m at work? What personal qualities would I like to bring to it?’ Naturally, if you don’t like your current job, it makes sense to start retraining or looking around for more meaningful or satisfying work. So if you’ve written about the sort of work you’d ideally like, great—you can set yourself a goal to go out and find it. In the meantime, you can make the most of
whatever
job you’re in by bringing your values into the workplace. (Remember Fred, in the last chapter.)
Values Domain No.5: Education and Personal Development
1. What do you value about learning, education or training?
2. What new skills or knowledge would you like to gain?
3. What further education or training appeals to you?
4. What sort of student/trainee would you like to be?
5. What personal qualities would you like to bring to your studies or training?
6. What sort of relationships would you like to build with other students/trainees?
Values Domain No.6: Recreation, Fun and Leisure
1. What sorts of hobbies, sports or leisure activities do you want to participate in?
2. On an ongoing basis, how do you wish to relax and unwind?
3. On an ongoing basis, how do you wish to have fun?
4. How do you wish to be creative?
5. What sorts of new activities would you like to try?
6. What old activities would you like to take up again or do more of?
Values Domain No.7: Spirituality
1. What is important to you in this area of life?
2. What spiritual activities would you like to do on an ongoing basis?
The word ‘spirituality’ has different meanings for different people. It may mean getting out into nature, dancing, meditating, practising yoga or participating in an organised religion. Whatever it means to you is fine.
Values Domain No.8: Community Life
1. How would you like to contribute to your community (for instance, through volunteering, recycling or helping an elderly neighbour)?
2. What interest groups, charities or political parties would you like to support or become actively involved in?
Values Domain No.9: Environment and Nature
1. What aspects of nature would you like to connect with?
2. What environments would you like to spend more time in?
3. How would you like to care for, change or contribute to the variety of environments around you—in nature, at work and at home?
4. What activities would you like to do that get you out into nature?
5. What activities would you like to do that alter your environment at home or at work in creative, helpful or pleasing ways?
Values Domain No.10: Health and Body
1. How would you like to care for your body?
2. What sort of physical health do you want to build?
3. What sort of ongoing activities do you want to do in terms of connecting with and taking care of your body?
4. How do you want to look after your health with regard to sleep, diet, exercise, smoking, alcohol?
Did you have trouble with these exercises? Did uncomfortable thoughts and feelings show up? Often when we connect with our values, we realise that we’ve been neglecting them for a long time and this can be very painful. But remember, this is not an excuse to beat yourself up! (‘What a hypocrite I am! I say I value doing all these different things, yet I’m not doing any of them! I’m pathetic!’) All of us lose touch with our values from time to time. Dwelling on those times is pointless because there’s nothing we can do to change the past. What’s important is to connect with our values here and now and to use them to guide and motivate our current actions. So if your mind does start beating up on you, simply thank it.
You may have found that you skipped parts of this chapter or avoided the exercises because you fused with unhelpful thoughts like, ‘I don’t know if these are my real values’ or ‘I’m setting myself up for disappointment.’ If this is the case, read through the next chapter. Once you’ve done that, come back and work through this chapter again. If, on the other hand, you’ve completed this chapter to your satisfaction, then you can skip the next one and go straight to Chapter 27.
Now it’s time to look back over your answers and reflect on them.
Ask yourself:
Write your answers down and hold on to them. You’ll need them for the next few chapters.
Usually when we talk about relationships, we are referring to relationships between people. However, the questions in this chapter refer to many different sorts of relationships, such as: