The Guild of Fallen Clowns (21 page)

“So tell me, Alan. Who is she?”

“Well, you won’t believe it, but it’s the
girl Dale and I were talking about the other day.”

“The one he told you to ask out?” she
asked.

“Yes. Can you believe it? Dale might have
called that one—”

Cheryl broke in, “The girl from the haunted
house?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s the one. Her name is Mary
Krauss,” he said.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe it. Dale is a
matchmaker. Did you see any pigs flying on the way here?”

Alan chuckled and said he didn’t notice any,
but he wasn’t looking up. Cheryl couldn’t contain her enthusiasm.
She maneuvered him onto the stool, draped a sheet around his neck,
and stood facing him with a huge smile.

“What?” he asked.

“Oh, sorry, Alan, I’m just so happy for
you.” She picked up a spritz bottle and a pair of scissors and got
to work.

“I’m going to totally transform you. The
next time Mary sees you, she’s going to think she hit the
jackpot.”

“You’re scaring me, Cheryl. Please don’t do
anything too radical.”

“I know what I’m doing, brother-in-law. I
used to do this for a living. Trust me.”

“Oh, I trust you. I’m just not sure I’m
ready for a big change. Maybe we should get there in stages.”

Cheryl backed away and scowled. He knew he
wasn’t going to win this argument, so he backed down and let her
continue. She worked with confidence and great precision, her comb
and snipping scissors bobbing around his head. Stage one was
finished. Next she flipped on the hair dryer and started by blowing
the clipping to the floor. She dried and combed at the same time.
For her finale, she squeezed a gob of gel into her palm, rubbed it
between her hands, and ran her fingers through his hair, plucking
and primping in preparation for his inspection. She stepped back
for one final look before holding a hand mirror out in front of
him.

“Well, what do you think?” she said.

Alan examined his new do, turning his head
to each side then back to the center.

“Is that really me?” he asked.

“You like it?” she said.

“It’s different, but yeah, I like it.” He
continued studying his new look in the mirror. “Cheryl, you’re
really good. Have you ever considered getting back into it when the
kids get older?”

Her smile vanished. She pulled the mirror
away and turned to clean up the mess.

“What? What’s wrong? Did I say something
wrong? You did a great job. I love my new look. Did you think I
didn’t like it…?”

“No, Alan. I know you like the haircut. It’s
nothing.”

“Really? Are you sure I didn’t say something
wrong? Oh god, this isn’t going to work. I’m so rusty I don’t even
know when I say the wrong things. I’m bound to say something stupid
on this date.”

“No! I said it’s nothing,” she insisted.

He didn’t believe her, but before he could
say anything else, Cheryl’s mother came in the front door.

“I’m here. Where are my babies?” she called
out. The twins rushed past, yelling for their grandma.

With each holding tightly to a leg, she
tromped into the kitchen.

“Is that you, Alan? Oh my, it is. I didn’t
recognize you, sweetie. You’re looking good.”

“It’s the new do. Cheryl just gave me a
haircut. What do you think?”

She leaned in and raised the reading glasses
hanging from her neck for a closer look. She nodded her approval
and looked at her daughter.

“Very nice, Cheryl. You’re so gifted. It’s a
shame you aren’t doing it anymore.”

“Leave it alone, Mom,” Cheryl said.

“Okay, I know. It’s just a shame, that’s
all,” her mother said.

The girls interrupted and started chanting,
“We want McDonald’s. We want McDonald’s.”

Cheryl’s mother rolled her eyes. “Well, I
guess I better get going so these munchkins can get their Happy
Meal fix.”

Cheryl thanked her for taking the kids and
told the girls to behave at Grandma and Grandpa’s house that night.
Her mother turned to leave and said, “Oh, there was a package on
the porch for you. I brought it in. It’s over here beside the
door.” She left with the girls.

Looking at the box resting beside the door,
Alan realized what sparked Cheryl’s mood swing. The salon where she
used to work was in the mall. Her growing phobia restricted her
from crowded places, and his unintentional blunder struck her most
sensitive nerve. Comments from her mother intensified her
discomfort in discussing what was clearly an embarrassing personal
flaw.

With his new understanding of the situation,
the tension in the room became uncomfortable for both of them. He
was about to break the silence when she grabbed a broom and said,
“They love their Grandma.”

“I noticed. They also seem to love
McDonald’s.”

“Oh yes, they’ve been asking for that for
the past three days,” she said.

Again, he started to connect the dots. Her
mother took the kids because Cheryl wasn’t able to.

“You know, Cheryl, if you ever need help
with that, I’d be happy to take the girls to McDonald’s—or anywhere
else—for you.”

Cheryl dropped the broom and glared back at
him. “I don’t need you to do things for me, Alan. If you want to
take the girls out sometime, you’re more than welcome. But I don’t
need you to do it FOR me.”

He started to think getting involved with a
woman might not be a good idea. No matter what he said, she heard
something completely different.

“I’m sorry, Cheryl. That’s not what I meant
to say. I just wanted—”

“No, Alan. I’m sorry,” she said as she sat
on a kitchen chair with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her
hands.

“I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. It’s
my problem and I need to deal with it.”

Alan sat beside her. “Its okay, you don’t
have to apologize. I’m an idiot. I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, I don’t want people to have to think
before they say anything to the crazy lady. I just don’t know why
I’m like this. I was perfectly fine five years ago. Now I feel like
it’s getting worse every day. You were right. I didn’t take the
girls to McDonald’s because the last time we went, it was crowded.
It was two in the afternoon. When I saw all the cars in the parking
lot, I told the kids we would go through the drive-through. Of
course, that wasn’t good enough. They enjoy the playland more than
the food. So we went inside. I couldn’t take it. I left them in
there and parked the car outside the playland so I could watch them
from the parking lot. What kind of mother am I? I’m so ashamed.”
She started crying and leaned into Alan’s shoulder.

“Have you talked to anyone about it? I mean
have you talked to, like—someone professional who could help
you?”

She raised her head from his shoulder and
wiped her eyes. “Yes, I saw two different doctors. It felt good
talking to them, but neither could help me with my problem. I even
tried pills. Nothing worked.”

Alan glanced at the box in the foyer. It was
hard for him to keep his secret, but he didn’t want to get her
hopes up. What if it failed? Or worse, what if she thought he was
crazy? No, he had to let the plan play out. For now, he needed to
get to work. He couldn’t afford to be late and he already stayed
past his buffer.

He stood in front of her and looked into her
eyes with a combined expression of sympathetic optimism. “Cheryl,
I’m sure things will get better for you. Don’t ask me how I know,
but I really believe things will improve soon.”

“I wish I could believe that, Alan.”

“Just trust me. Things will change. And I
hate to leave you all upset like this, but I gotta run. If I don’t
leave now, I’ll be late for work.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay. Go to
work. Oh, and good luck with your date. Promise me you’ll come back
and tell me all about it.”

“You know I will. Thanks again for the
haircut. You brought me into the twenty-first century.” He rushed
to his car and drove off.

Cheryl waved from the porch. He turned the
corner and she stepped back inside and closed the door. She tucked
her index finger under her short sleeve and pressed it into the
corners of her eyes, blotting up the remaining tears as she
returned to the kitchen.

It was a slow start to Alan’s shift at
Vince’s. With a solitary pizza in his passenger seat, he was
driving to the apartment of the girl he terrified the night before,
the same girl Paula’s husband, Dave, was having an affair with. He
didn’t know who called in the order, but whoever it was
specifically requested Alan deliver it. He assumed the caller was
Dave, summoning him back for additional insurance for his silence,
with money, threats, or both.

His curiosity in Dave’s motives faded as he
drove by the Hidden Valley neighborhood, where he’d dropped his
first Peepers figure off on Mrs. Henderson’s front porch
twenty-four hours earlier. He was anxious to know if she retrieved
the figure and pizza. If so, did it work? Was Peepers able to help
her? If he stopped by to check on her, would she answer the door by
opening it wide? Or would she even be home? With his and Peepers’
help, she might have been out shopping or visiting old friends.

The answers to his questions had to wait.
His first priority was to deliver Dave’s pizza to his love shack
and discover what he was up to.

With pizza in hand, he knocked on the
apartment door. The sound of voices arguing on the other side
indicated Dave’s presence and foul mood. Dave flung open the door,
pulled Alan inside, and closed the door behind him.

“See! It’s just the freaking pizza guy. You
gotta get over it already,” he said to Debbie, who peered around
the kitchen wall.

Turning back to Alan, Dave grabbed the pizza
and told him to wait there while he took it to the kitchen.

“I can’t believe you’re out of fucking beer.
I pay for everything else around here and you can’t remember to
have beer for me?” he said.

“I said I was sorry, Dave. What do you want
from me?”

“For starters you can go to the store and
get more beer.” He stuffed a ten-dollar bill in her front pocket
and continued, “And not like the last time when you got the cheap
stuff and never gave me the change.”

“I bought milk with the change,” she
replied.

“Buy your own fucking milk. Do I look like a
bank to you? It’s bad enough I pay your rent. Then you pull a
stupid stunt and call my cell when I’m home with my family.”

“I told you I was sorry.”

Alan didn’t want to witness more of Dave’s
verbal abuse. He was also worried that she might recognize him as
the clown who scared the piss out of her. “Hey guys, I don’t mean
to interrupt, but I have another delivery. Eleven fifty for the
pizza.”

Debbie brushed by Alan and grumbled, “Pay
the guy.”

“And get me a pack of Marlboro too,” Dave
barked before the door slammed behind her.

“It’s eleven fifty,” Alan said.

Dave pulled out the money and handed it to
him. It was only twelve dollars.
So much for the hush money,
Alan thought.

Then Dave confessed that he didn’t want the
pizza, that he only ordered it to get Alan back out so they could
discuss something.

Here it comes,
Alan thought.
More
threats to keep me from talking to Paula.

“Here’s the thing, buddy. Paula mentioned
something the other day about you being a clown.”

“Yes. It’s something I do part time.
Currently I’m—”

“Well, here’s the problem,” Dave cut in.

“She wants to hire you for my kid’s fifth
birthday party this Sunday.”

“Oh, you need a clown for a birthday party?
Sure—I’m free Sunday afternoon.”

“No, let me finish. I’d never stand in the
way of another man doing what he’s got to do to make a living, even
if it’s dressing like a clown to entertain five-year-olds. Can’t
say I get it, but I respect the fact that you do it, despite what
people think. But, under the circumstances, I can’t hire you for
the party with what you know, unless I know you can be trusted with
our little secret.”

“What are you saying, Dave?”

“I’m saying I’ll allow you to take the job,
but you better keep your mouth shut or else you might die in your
stupid clown costume. I really don’t think you would want to die
dressed as a ridiculous clown. Would you, Alan? Is that how you
want to die?”

“Are you really threatening me, Dave?”

“Threatening you? Don’t be stupid. I’m just
being protective of my family. If anyone does anything to hurt my
family, then yes—I’d have to hurt them. Wouldn’t you? I mean if you
had a family and someone did something to hurt them, wouldn’t you
do anything to prevent that from happening?”

I can’t believe this,
Alan thought.
This asshole views me as the threat. He’s oblivious to the fact
that it’s his own actions that threaten the stability of his
family.
Regardless of his new level of contempt for Dave, he
didn’t want to get involved.

“I told you, Dave. It’s not my place. You
don’t have to worry about me. I won’t say anything to Paula.”

“That’s good, pal, because Paula’s a good
person. She doesn’t deserve to have her family split up because of
some young slut like Debbie.”

“Whoa! Be nice,” Alan said.

“What do you mean by that? You saw her.
She’s a stupid whore. To be honest with you, I’m starting to get
sick of the bitch. After the stunt she pulled last night, I was
ready to come over here and beat the shit of her. Fucking
bitch!”

“I can see that whatever happened really
angered you, Dave. But seriously, you weren’t really thinking about
hurting her, were you?”

“Fuck yes! She could have destroyed my
family. Like I told you, I won’t let anyone do that. She’s just
lucky I cooled off, but now she’s on probation. One more stunt like
that and she’ll be sorry.”