Authors: Chelsea Lynn Charters
With a cheery wave he ran down the hall, hurrying in the direction of his class---which I knew was on the opposite end of the building. He would be late because of me, and although I felt bad about it, I was blissfully happy to know he came all the way over here just to see me… damn the consequences. Trace really did care!
A familiar airy sensation tickled my insides as I rushed to gym class, ignoring the cross glances from the teachers in the hallway that were closing their doors. I picked up my pace, praying not to get sent to the Principal’s Water’s office for dawdling in the hall. Thankfully I made it to gym class before any hall monitors caught sight of me, but I was five minutes late and was forced to run three extra laps around the track. I didn’t mind though. It gave me more time to think about Trace, and to me that was always a good thing…even if I had to do it while sweat poured down my face.
12
AT NINE THIRTY-SIX, TRACE CALLED ME.
I knew it was Trace before I even picked up the phone; it was like I could feel him through the receiver. Maybe I was psychic or something…nah, probably not. I planned on sounding calm and collected, but as soon I heard his voice on the other line my heart started racing at a thousand beats per second! All the while my mind was screaming, “He called me! He called me!” I was acting like such a weirdo…but I just couldn’t believe that he actually called me.
“Hello?” He asked when I picked up his call, and I instantly melted from the sound of his handsome voice.
Keeping my voice steady, I managed to mumble his name. “Trace?”
“Hi, Jade.”
“Hi,” I whispered back.
And then it was silent for a moment. I was debating what to say, and I wondered if that’s what he was doing as the line remained quiet.
“You actually did what you promised? I’m surprised.” I sounded shocked, but I couldn’t help it. I really was. Everything that Trace had done lately amazed me.
He sounded weak when he replied, “Well, I wanted to call you. I’ve been thinking about it all day.”
“Really?” My throat squeaked, and I mentally hoped that he didn’t hear it, but then he laughed and my face burned with embarrassment. Way to sound like psycho, Jade.
“Jade,” he began, after his laughing had deceased. “Why do you find the idea of me having genuine feelings for you so unusual?”
“I don’t, Trace.” I lied. “It’s just---”
“You do, Jade,” he interrupted. “I know that you’re opinion of me is probably shady, and I guess I deserve that.” Trace paused a moment, and I heard rustling on the other line.
“Trace? Are you still there?” I asked faintly.
“Yeah, I’m here.” He sighed before murmuring, “I’m sorry for treating you the way I did, Jade. I shouldn’t have ignored you. It was wrong and I’m really sorry for acting like such a jerk. If I could do it all over again, I would. I missed you, Jade…much more than you missed me.”
“Trace…I…” But I didn’t know what to say. How could I tell him that he was the only boy I’d ever loved, and the only person I felt truly safe to be myself with? I would scare him off. Even if he was telling me things I used to dream of him saying, I just couldn‘t tell him the truth. Maybe because I knew how perfect he was and how much I didn’t deserve him.
Then he said, “Jade, you mean a lot to me. You always have.” At that moment, all of my doubts washed away.
“I do?” I murmured breathlessly.
“Yes! See, you always have to question what I tell you, or what I’m feeling.” His tone hardened, and I realized that had upset him. “Why do you always doubt me?”
“I’m sorry, Trace,” I replied faintly. “I guess I just don’t see why you should waste your time on me.”
“Because you’re amazing, Jade. That’s why.” He groaned suddenly and added, “And I’m not wasting my time. I’m trying to build something here---something special that will last.”
This had to be a joke. I almost debated giggling, “Good one.” But he sounded so serious that it had to be the truth. How was I supposed to know though? And why should I trust him? What if this was all just some big joke? I couldn’t take that kind of disappointment, at least not from him.
“Where is all this coming from, Trace?” I mumbled in disbelief. “Why are you telling me now?”
“I’ve been feeling this way for a long time now, Jade. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed...” he replied faintly.
“I haven’t, Trace. I never thought in a million years that you would be talking this way to me.”
“What about when I walk with you to class, or follow you after lunch? Didn’t you realize something then?”
I frowned and replied, “I just thought you were carelessly flirting, Trace.”
“Well, Jade, flirting is a sign of interest.”
“Right,” I mumbled, annoyed that he was making me seem foolish. “With most guys it is…but in your case, I’m not so sure.”
Trace’s tone rose as he asked, “And what is that supposed to mean?”
I grinned against the receiver. “Oh you know, since you flirt with practically everyone, I don’t think too much of it when you do it with me.”
“I do not flirt with every single girl, Jade,” he replied hastily.
I was impressed that I had managed to irritate him. It wasn’t hard to do, but still, it gave me some satisfaction to know that I could deal what he was usually dishing to me. I’m not sure why, but I enjoy seeing him squirm…actually in this case, hear him squirm.
“Trace, I do have eyes you know,” I told him coolly.
“Then you should know that the only girl I flirt with is you,” Trace replied softly.
I had to admit our conversation tonight was sounding pretty perfect. The entire day had been amazing, actually. He called, just like he said he would, and now he was spouting out affection I never even knew he had. It was weird to hear him say such things, especially when they were directed at me. I had to pinch my arm to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.
“You do believe me right?” He asked suddenly, after I hadn’t given him a response.
“I don’t know---I want to,” I said hastily, biting my tongue to keep from smiling. I did want to believe him, because his voice sounded one-hundred percent honest. Trace was a trustworthy guy, usually. I hoped that at this moment, he truly meant what he was telling me.
“Come on, Jade. You know me. I don’t mess around like that.”
I kept silent, which I’m sure only angered him more.
Then he said, “Listen. I like you a lot, and I think I’ve expressed it to the point where you should know by now. I asked you to the winter formal when I had nobody else in mind, I faced ultimate humiliation at school because of circulating gossip, and I make myself seem like fool when I’m just trying to talk with you…like right now for instance.”
“I don’t think you’re a fool, Trace,” I told him softly, smiling at his remark.
“Oh really? Then what do you think of me, Jade?”
“What?” I breathed fearfully.
Trace ignored my worried tone. “How about we get everything out in the open so there’s no confusion here. I think I’ve made it pretty clear how I feel about you. Now it’s your turn.”
He wanted me to tell him how I felt? I couldn’t do that! If he knew how big of a pathetic crush I had on him, he wouldn’t be asking me. He would be running for the hills.
“Well, I---” I froze, closing my mouth tightly before I declared my love to him. Oh my God! What could I say without sounding like a total loser? “Trace, you’re the man of my dreams.” Nope. “Trace, ever since middle school, I’ve never wanted anyone but you.” Definitely not. Or, I could go straight for the kill and just flat out tell him, “Trace, I’m in love with you.” Which I did, but thank the heavens I wasn’t that bold.
After realizing that whatever I said would make me seem stupid, I tried the least shocking approach. Taking a breath to steady my nerves, I muttered, “Trace, I think you’re…cute.”
It was quiet on his end, until he laughed, “Cute? Wow, that’s deep.” He seemed upset as he asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
“What do you want me to say?” I replied hotly, and I was glad that he wasn’t able to see my burning face.
“I don’t know, Jade. Maybe something a little more meaningful than cute?”
I sighed, frustrated with myself. I wanted to tell him how I really felt. I wanted to explain that every night since I was thirteen I thought about him before I fell asleep. I wanted to say all the things I’d kept bottled up for so many years---but how could I? He was Trace Gibson, and I wasn’t worthy of him. I knew he was waiting for me to reply, to say something better in return, but all I could whisper was, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, Jade. Just forget it. I guess you don’t look at me the same way I look at you. It’s my mistake…I just thought you did.” Trace sounded angry, but then I realized he was just disappointed. He should’ve been disappointed in me; I was a coward.
“Trace…” I began, hoping to make him understand. “It’s not that I don’t---’
“No, Jade, it’s fine. Please don’t, ” he interrupted rudely. “If you don’t care about me, then what can I do? I can‘t make you like me.”
Now was the time to speak up. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I had pushed away the love of my teenage life because of fear. What was my problem anyway? He could tell me so easily, but it was so hard for me to come out and say what I was really feeling! I had to fight the fear and find some kind of strength within. If I didn’t I would lose him forever.
“Come on, Jade. Just tell him,” I mumbled to myself.
I didn’t think Trace would’ve been able to hear me, but of course he did. “What?” He asked loudly.
My heart was hammering and my neck was sweating, and I could feel the words crawling up my throat. Oh no, here it comes. The truth.
“It’s not true, Trace,” I whispered.
“What isn’t?” he pressed me, and I began to feel sick.
I took a deep breath and replied, “That I don’t care about you…because I do.” I bit my lip and added, “I’ve always had feelings for you, Trace.”
He seemed surprised by my admission. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t tell you because…I was afraid you’d laugh at me.” I was shaking but I didn’t care. It actually felt quite liberating to get the truth off of my chest.
Trace was quiet for a moment before he stated, “I would never laugh at you.”
“How was I supposed to know that?” I asked him weakly.
“I’m not a monster, Jade.”
I sighed. “I know that, but---” my voice broke off as the next words began forming.
“But what?” Trace inquired.