The Good, The Bad and The Furry: Life with the World's Most Melancholy Cat and Other Whiskery Friends (27 page)

‘What’s that he’s got on?’ I asked my mum, quietly.

‘Don’t ask,’ she said. ‘It’s Paul’s security pass for work. It fell out of Paul’s coat when I was putting them away, and your dad picked it up and put it on. I’m not sure if Paul’s realised yet.’

My dad was holding the supersoaker and reminiscing about the games of ‘Army’ that he used to play as a kid on the street where he lived. ‘I USED TO LOVE MY TOY DAVEY CROCKETT RIFLE BUT SOMETIMES WE’D ALL JUST USE IMAGINARY GUNS. THE O’DOHERTYS WERE CRAP AT MAKING THE SHOOTING NOISES, THOUGH, BECAUSE THEY COULDN’T AFFORD GOOD IMAGINARY GUNS. DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE TIME I CHARGED ALL MY MATES A PENNY EACH TO SEE A SQUASHED MONKEY I’D FOUND ON THE STREET? I FOUND OUT LATER THAT IT WAS JUST A BIG FROG.’

In recent weeks, according to my dad, a huge, brutish black cat had been hanging around the garden and intimidating Casper and Floyd. The supersoaker had been ostensibly purchased to scare it away, but I was starting to have my
doubts. I’d seen the black cat come in through the catflap on Christmas Day, and Floyd had bounded up to it as if to say ‘Hi! I’m Floyd! What’s your name? What shall we do NOW!’ The black cat didn’t seem very impressed, but neither did it look like it was about to start any kind of serious ruckus.

When everyone else had gone home, my dad reluctantly laid the supersoaker down, poured us both a glass of whisky, and I watched an episode of
Dad’s Army
with him, just like he’d done at Christmas many times with my granddad. The one difference being that my granddad never had a white and black cat fast asleep upside down on his legs, purring at a volume only slightly softer than most outboard motors. When the episode was over, my dad told a story about the time my grandma had called the police on him for leaving pennies on the railway line, then fell into a deep sleep to match Floyd’s. On his hand, I noticed the words ‘Potatoes’ and ‘WASPS!’ written in blue ink.

I’d struggled a little bit in the last few years with Christmas presents for my dad. He’d seemed very happy with the whisky and books I usually gave him, but I wanted to be more original. It wasn’t easy, though. Most people get harder to buy for as they get older, and if I tried to purchase a gift in one of his specialist areas – gardening, for example, or bebop or doo-wop records made between the years 1944 and 1954 – I’d probably get it wrong or find that he already had it. This year I’d bought him a nicely crafted model of one of his favourite 1950s cars: a result of me making a mental note of a conversation
back in spring where my dad had announced, ‘IF I WAS RICH ALL I’D DO IS BUY A LOAD OF OLD CARS AND BRUM THEM ALL DAY,’ and my mum had replied, ‘And not have a wife any more.’ I was pretty impressed with myself, but now, looking at him there on the sofa, snoring away with Floyd, I wondered if I’d tried to be too clever. I’d begun to realise in recent years just how brilliant my parents were and was increasingly proud of them. With my dad heading into his mid-sixties, I’d wanted to get him something intricate or unusual to show my gratitude for all the love and support he’d given me over the years, but maybe I just had to face the facts: all he’d ever really wanted for Christmas was a big fake gun and a kitten.

1. My cat is sad because
on his travels he has discovered a machine with a face and he now has some concerns he would like to raise.

2. My cat is sad because he
never got on the property ladder when he was younger and thinks it might now be too late.

3. My cat is sad because
he picked up his housemate’s catnip by mistake and it’s made of different stuff to his.

4. My cat is sad because of
the insufferable smugness he must deal with every day, in his line of work.

5. My cat is sad because harsh
words have been exchanged about some of his artwork and now there is an atmosphere of tension and regret.

6. My cat is sad because books
are sometimes not about what they say they’re about.

7. My cat is sad because
a female colleague of his has seen a ghost and appears to be very shaken by the experience.

8. My cat is sad because he
does not want to make a psychedelic folk rock album with me, or be part of the photoshoot for its cover.

9. My cat is sad because
of animal cruelty.