The Good, The Bad and The Furry: Life with the World's Most Melancholy Cat and Other Whiskery Friends (17 page)

Kittens and their spirit world guardians

Unlike many
ghosts, those of cats are very kind and well-meaning. It’s entirely possible that, not long after you get your kitten, a cat ghost who happens to be haunting your area at the time will latch on to it and begin to whisper to it or hover mournfully over its waste paper bin at night. Don’t be alarmed by this, and try not to shout or throw things at the cat ghost; it is probably very sensitive, especially if it is a new ghost and still self-conscious about its non-corporeal
state. More than likely the ghost is just trying to protect the kitten from dangerous things such as cars, dogs and the
Daily Mail
’s Liz Jones. Soon, a beautiful friendship may even develop between the two of them, full of whispered secrets and perfect, tranquil moments, where they will watch the world go by whilst embracing tenderly.

Testing your kitten for grip

A good early way
to test your kitten’s clinging power and agility is to throw your kitten extremely gently at a shed. If it sticks to the shed, that means it’s a good kitten.

Your kitten’s first dalliance with disco

The natural love
of kittens for disco has been severely underdocumented over the years. Kittens like disco partly because of the freedom it gives them to express themselves, but also because, unlike Lindy Hop, salsa or other, trendier dance styles, it has very few ‘rules’. A kitten can only dance to disco for up to twenty minutes at a time, so try not to be disturbed if it falls asleep in the middle of a disco move. This just means it is on ‘boogie recharge’.

Try not to make your kitten’s dinners too comfortable

At mealtimes, don’t make
things too easy for the kitten. Encourage it to stretch and work for its food. Ask yourself: Do I really want one of those ‘nancy boy’ overprivileged kittens who only eat weird, poncey cat foods with sweetcorn and croutons and crap in them, and are always banging on about how the world owes them a living? Do I really think my kitten wants to
be
one of those kittens? Remember: you’ll be doing everyone a favour in the end.

Kittens and floristry

Many kittens enjoy
floristry. In this area, the typical gender roles of the human world tend to be reversed. Very few female kittens like flower arranging, but for male kittens it is seen as a sign of masculinity and virility.

Set your kitten on the right musical path

Kittens are huge
music fans, and are often much more likely to come and get their food to the sound of a popular rock hit than a whistle or the singsong call of their name. It’s important to remember that while kittens often tell themselves they like credible but overrated bands such as The Clash or Radiohead, they are lying to themselves and in denial about their true love of 1970s progressive rock and acid folk. Once you’ve got your kitten settled, begin by playing it Pentangle’s 1970
Cruel Sister
LP or The Moody Blues’ criminally underrated
A Question Of Balance
from the same year, before moving on to the more bluesy, elongated and cosmic
Overdog
from a year later by The Keef Hartley Band. If the kitten makes a face like the one opposite, that means it approves.

Don’t let your kitten eat a whole cow, a blanket, or a plug from the shower

Make sure your
kitten doesn’t eat any of these things. They are bad for it.