The Good Soldier Svejk (42 page)

"Here, steady on," objected Schweik. "Don't forget we've got to be careful not to go looking for trouble. If anything goes wrong, I shall cop out."

"You don't know the Magyars," repeated Voditchka. "Don't say you're going to cast me off, now that we've met again after all this time."

"All right, come along then," agreed Schweik, "but be careful what you do. We don't want to get ourselves into a mess."

"Don't you worry, chum," said Voditchka, as thev went toward the staircase. "I'll biff him one -"

And, in lower tones, he added :

"You'll see, we'll have an easy job with this Magyar fellow."

Schweik and Voditchka stood at the door of Mr. Kâkonyi's abode. Schweik rang the bell, whereupon a maid appeared and asked them in Magyar what they wanted.

"Nem tudom,"
said Voditchka, contemptuously. "Why don't you learn Czech, my girl?"

"Verstehen Sie deutsch?"
asked Schweik.

"A Pisschen."

"Then tell the lady I want to speak to her. Say that there's a letter from a gentleman, outside."

"I'm surprised at you," said Voditchka, as he followed Schweik into the passage, "talking to a baggage like that."

They stood in the passage and Schweik remarked :

"It's nice and comfortable here, I must say. Why, they've got two umbrellas on the hat rack and that picture of Jesus Christ ain't a bad bit of work, either."

The maid now returned from the room, where the rattling of spoons and the clattering of plates could be heard, and said to Schweik in broken German :

"The lady says she's got no time. If there's anything for her, you're to give it to me with a message."

"All right," said Schweik solemnly. "Here's a letter for her, but keep quiet about it."

He produced Lieutenant Lukash's letter.

"I," he said, pointing to himself, "will wait for the answer here."

"Why don't you sit down?" asked Voditchka, who had taken a seat in a chair by the wall. "Here's a chair for you. You're standing there as if you was a beggar. Don't make yourself cheap in

front of these Magyars. We're going to have a bit of a dust-up with him, but I'll biff him properly."

Presently he asked :

"Where did you learn German?"

"All by myself," replied Schweik.

Again there was silence. Then a great uproar could be heard in the room into which the maid had taken the letter. Somebody was hitting the ground with a heavy object, then the noise of glasses being thrown about and plates being broken could be distinctly recognized, and amid it all somebody was making angry noises in Magyar.

The door flew open and in dashed a gentleman with a serviette round his neck and brandishing the letter which had just been delivered.

Sapper Voditchka was nearest to the door, and it was to him that the excited gentleman first addressed himself.

"What's the meaning of this?" he demanded in German. "Where's the damned blackguard who brought this letter?"

"Here, steady on, governor," said Voditchka, standing up. "You're making a devil of a noise. Keep your hair on, and if you want to know who brought this letter, just ask my chum here. But keep a civil tongue in your head, or you'll get slung outside in double-quick time."

It was now Schweik's turn to sample the rich eloquence of the excited gentleman with the serviette round his neck. He was gabbling at random, and from the rigmarole of words emerged the statement that they were just having lunch.

"We heard you having lunch," agreed Schweik in broken German.

The excited gentleman, who as a result of his brisk gesticulations was now holding the serviette by only one tip, went on to say that at first he thought the letter was about billeting troops in the house which belonged to his wife.

"You could get plenty of troops in here," said Schweik, "but the letter ain't about that. I suppose you know what's in it?"

The gentleman clutched at his head and let loose a regular volley of curses, adding that he himself was a reserve officer, that he'd like to be in the army, only his kidneys were out of order.

And as for the letter, he'd send it to the C. O., to the War Office, to the newspapers.

"Look here," said Schweik with dignity. "I wrote that letter. It wasn't the lieutenant who wrote it. The signature's a fake. I signed it. I've taken a fancy to your wife. I'm fairly mashed on her, as the poet Vrchlicky used to say. A damn fine woman, that she is."

The excited gentleman was about to hurl himself at Schweik, who stood there in front of him as cool as a cucumber, but Sapper Voditchka, watching his every movement, tripped him up, snatched the letter out of his hand (he was still brandishing it) and put it in his pocket. And when Mr. Kâkonyi recovered his balance, Voditchka caught hold of him, dragged him to the door, opened the door with one hand, and in a trice some heavy object could be heard rolling down the stairs.

The whole thing was done with as much dispatch as in the fairy tales, when the devil comes to fetch someone.

The only relic of the excited gentleman was the serviette. Schweik picked it up, knocked politely on the door of the room from which Mr. Kâkonyi had emerged five minutes previously, and where the sound of female weeping could now be heard.

"Here's your serviette," said Schweik courteously to the lady who was sobbing on the sofa. "It might get trodden on. Good-day to you', ma'am."

He clicked his heels together, saluted and went out into the passage. On the stairs there was not the slightest trace of any struggle ; everything had gone off with the utmost ease, just as Voditchka had said it would. But at the outer doorway Schweik discovered a collar which showed signs of having been wrenched off. Evidently it was there that the final act of the tragedy had occurred, when Mr. Kâkonyi had desperately clung to the doorway to save himself from being dragged into the street.

And in the street itself there was quite a rumpus. Mr. Kâkonyi had been dragged into the doorway of the house opposite, where water was being poured upon him, while in the middle of the street Sapper Voditchka was fighting like a lion against some Magyar militiamen and hussars, who had espoused the cause of their fellow-countryman. Sapper Voditchka was skilfully keep-

ing his adversaries at bay by means of a bayonet strap which he was wielding like a flail. Nor was he alone. Side by side with him a number of Czech soldiers were engaged in the contest.

Schweik, as he afterward related, did not himself know how he got mixed up in the shindy. Nor could he tell how, having no bayonet, he obtained possession of a walking stick which had been the property of a scared spectator.

It lasted quite a long time, but all good things must come to an end. The patrol arrived and took them all into custody.

Schweik marched along by the side of Voditchka, holding the walking stick, which the commander of the patrol afterward fastened upon as a
corpus delicti.
He marched along complacently, with the walking stick at the slope, like a rifle.

Sapper Voditchka maintained a stubborn silence all the way. But when they were entering the guard room he said to Schweik mournfully :

"Didn't I tell you, you don't know the Magyars?"

4.

Fresh Tribulations.

Colonel Schroder was gloating over the pallid, hollow-eyed countenance of Lieutenant Lukash, who, in his embarrassment, was looking away from him, and stealthily peeped at the plan showing the disposition of the rank-and-file in the camp, which formed the sole decorative feature of the colonel's office.

On the table in front of Colonel Schroder there were a number of newspapers containing articles marked with blue pencil which the colonel scanned once again before turning to Lieutenant Lukash with the remark :

"So you already know that Schweik, your orderly, is in cus-

tody and will probably be handed over to a divisional court-martial?"

"Yes, sir."

"That, of course," said the colonel meaningly, as he feasted his eyes on the lieutenant's pallor, "does not dispose of the matter. There can be no doubt that the whole of the business in which your orderly was mixed up has caused local feeling to run high, and your name is being mentioned in connection with it. The divisional command has already supplied us with certain material. Here are a number of papers which discuss this matter. Kindly read them aloud to me."

He handed Lieutenant Lukash the papers with the pencilled articles, which the lieutenant began to read in a monotone, as if he were reading in a children's primer such a sentence as : "Honey is much more nutritious and more easily digestible than sugar" :

"Where Is the Guarantee for Our Future?"

"That's the
Pester Lloyd,
isn't it?" asked the colonel. "Yes, sir," replied the lieutenant, and went on reading :

"The conduct of the war demands the cooperation of all classes in the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy. If we desire to attain the security of the state, all the nations must support each other and the guarantee for our future consists precisely in this mutual and spontaneous respect. The enormous sacrifices of our gallant troops at the front, where they are continually advancing, would not be possible, if the home front were not united, but harboured elements inimical to the harmonious structure of the state, undermining its authority by their malicious activities and thus threatening the joint interests of the nations in our Empire. At this historical juncture we cannot view in silence the handful of people who would like to impair the unified effort and struggle of all the nations in this Empire. We cannot silently overlook these odious signs of a diseased mentality which aims solely at destroying the unanimity in the hearts of the nations. Several times already we have had occasion to point out how the military authorities are compelled to adopt the severest measures against individuals in the Czech regiments who, heedless of glorious regimental traditions, by their disgraceful conduct in our Magyar towns have spread ill-feeling against the Czech nation which, in its entirety, is not to blame and, indeed, has always been closely identi-

tied with the interests of this Empire, as is attested by the many distinguished Czech military leaders, such as the renowned Marshal Radetzky and other defenders of the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy. These noble figures are being besmirched by a few blackguards from the Czech rabble who are taking advantage of war conditions to enlist in the army and then imperil the united front among the nations in the monarchy, at the same time allowing their lowest instincts to run riot. We have already drawn attention to the disgraceful behaviour of regiment No. - at Debreczin, whose outrageous conduct formed the subject of debate and condemnation in the parliament at Budapest and whose regimental colours subsequently, at the front, were . . . (Deleted by censor). At whose door is this revolting offence to be laid . . . (Deleted by censor)? Who incited the Czech troops to . . . (Deleted by censor)? Some idea of the lengths to which the foreign elements in our midst will go, can be best inferred from the recent incidents at Kiraly-Hida. What is the nationality of those troops from the Bruck military camp close at hand who attacked and ill-treated Mr. Gyula Kâkonyi, a tradesman in that town? It is obviously the bounden duty of the authorities to investigate this outrage and to ask the military command, which has doubtless already started making inquiries, what part in this unexampled bullying of Magyar citizens was played by Lieutenant Lukash, whose name is being mentioned in the town in connection with the recent disgraceful episode, as we are informed by a local correspondent who has already collected ample evidence on this matter which, at so grave an epoch as to-day, clamours for redress. We are sure that readers of the
Pester Lloyd
will follow with interest the further course of investigation and we shall certainly not fail to keep them acquainted with a matter of such eminent significance. At the same time, however, we await an official report on the outrage at Kiraly-Hida perpetrated against a Magyar citizen. It is obvious that the parliament at Budapest will give the matter its closest attention, in order to make it plain that Czech troops, passing through the kingdom of Hungary on their way to the front, must not be allowed to treat the country of St. Stephen's crown as if it were their vassal. If any members of this nation which at Kiraly-Hida made such an exhibition of the unified spirit prevailing among all nations in this monarchy, still do not realize how things are, they had better keep very quiet about it, for in wartime it is the bullet, the rope, the jail and the bayonet which will teach such persons to obey and to subordinate themselves to this highest interest of our joint country."