The Girl With No Past (16 page)

‘Why do you have to keep the door open? You’re not a baby!’

I look at my bedroom door and wonder if Mum would notice if I pulled it shut. She’s downstairs, making cupcakes for her book club friends, and hasn’t been up here since Adam arrived. That’s the good thing about Mum, she is easily distracted by all the things she has to do. All the things she thinks are important but really aren’t. Please don’t let me turn out like her.

But then I hear footsteps on the stairs and she calls from the landing. ‘I’ve just got to pop out. I’ll be half an hour at the most, okay? Just half an hour.’

I turn to Adam and we both smile.

‘Now you’re all mine,’ he says, springing forward and leaping onto me. My whole body tingles and I pull him into me and breathe in the mixture of sweat and Lynx.

We kiss for a long time, and I get lost in him, forget there is anything beyond us. Then Adam pulls away from me and nestles his head against my arm. ‘We should stop,’ he says.

But I don’t want to. I’m ready. I’ve been ready for months so why do we have to stop? I tell him this, speaking into his hair because I can’t see his face.

‘It wouldn’t be right, would it? You’re not sixteen yet.’

I can’t believe Adam is saying this. ‘But I will be in six months. And Imogen and Corey—’

‘But they’re not us. I want our first time to be right. I know it sounds stupid, but I kind of want it to be special.’ He raises his head so it’s level with mine and we are face-to-face. ‘This will be your first time and I want you to remember it forever. To remember me forever.’

Adam’s words turn my stomach to jelly. I have been looking at this all wrong. Although I have been thinking of my first time as something special to share with Adam, it’s also been something I’ve needed to get out of the way. So that I can be normal, like Imogen. But we don’t need to rush. We’ve got something much deeper than that, and even more special than what Imogen and Corey have, because it’s lasted all this time without us needing to have sex.

‘I will remember you forever,’ I say, burying my head in his chest.

‘Let’s go ice-skating,’ Adam says, forcing me to topple sideways as he jumps up.

‘What? Now?’

‘Yeah, come on! We can call Corey and Imogen and tell them to meet us there.’

I have never been ice-skating before and the thought of it terrifies me, but I don’t want to say no to Adam. ‘I don’t know how to skate,’ I tell him.

‘Don’t worry, I’ll teach you. You’ll be fine.’

‘Well, I’ll have to call Mum to check it’s okay.’ Even as I say it I know she’ll be happier that we’re out in public than stuck up here in my room.

‘Okay, hurry up. And call Imogen too.’

I get up to go downstairs and make the calls, and behind me Adam is already slipping on his coat.

It is only when we step outside that I realise the significance of what Adam said just now in my bedroom. He wants
my
first time to be special. He said nothing about it being his too.

Planet Ice is crowded and loud and I love it. I never would have guessed there’d be such a buzz here, but with music blaring from the speakers and everyone in a good mood, I can tell it’s going to be a great night. As long as I can keep pushing aside the thought that Adam has had sex before.

Somehow Imogen and Corey manage to find us and we trade in our shoes for ice skates, perching on narrow wooden benches to pull them on.

They’ve all done this before, so I am the only one wobbling and clutching the barrier as if my life depends on it. Adam tries to help me but it’s not long before he’s desperate to whizz around on his own and I am left alone, seemingly the only person in the rink who doesn’t know what to do.

I manage to make it halfway around, still clutching the rail, when Imogen glides towards me, twirling around and coming to a stop right in front of me. ‘I always told you this was fun,’ she says. ‘You should have come with me all those times.’

I vaguely remember her inviting me to go with her and her mum a few years ago but it never appealed to me. And still doesn’t. I love the atmosphere but the skating part I could do without.

‘Come on, let me help you.’ She reaches for my hand and I clutch her tightly and let her guide me around, already feeling better that I’m no longer stuck to the rail. I beg her not to let go and she promises she won’t, so I put my faith in her because she has never let me down before.

‘So have you and Adam…you know?’ She has to lean into my ear so that she can be heard above the music.

‘No, Adam wants to wait.’ At least with me, I think.

Imogen slows down and searches my face, perhaps wondering if I’m lying. ‘Oh…well, that’s not a bad thing. He must really like you.’

I’m surprised by her reaction. For months now she has been hounding me to get it over with. And if I told her I wasn’t ready then she would say I was being stupid. I am sure of this. But it is not me making the decision, it is Adam.

‘We’ll know when the time’s right,’ I say, forcing myself to believe this.

‘Hey, let’s go and get some ice cream.’ She leads me over to the exit and I’m relieved to be back on the floor. We stand by the barrier and search the rink for Adam and Corey. When we finally spot them they are racing each other, weaving in between bewildered people, with Corey lagging behind Adam.

‘Let’s leave them to it,’ I say, not convinced Adam will be thrilled about being pulled off the rink for ice cream.

Both of us choose mint chocolate chip and Cokes loaded with ice, and even though it’s already cold in here, we shovel it down.

‘You do still like Adam, don’t you?’ Imogen asks, once she’s finished her last spoonful.

‘Course. Why?’ I could elaborate on this and explain how he is all I think about twenty-four hours a day. Or tell her that I picture us going to uni together. Sharing a flat. Getting married one day. But I don’t tell her any of this, even though she is my best friend. Some things I need to keep just for me.

‘Well, you just never talk about him. That’s all.’ But we both know that’s not all. That she has a lot more to say. Imogen and I are still close, and I’d do anything for her, but the older we get, the more different we seem to become. I tell myself it doesn’t matter, that mature friendships don’t need to be based on listening to the same music or liking the same clothes. Our shared experience is a much firmer base than that. But still it bothers me sometimes that it’s happening to us.

Imogen opens her purse and begins counting out change. ‘I need another ice cream,’ she says. ‘Do you want more?’

I shake my head. We’re all getting burgers after this so I don’t want to stuff myself too much, especially when Adam’s paying for mine.

‘Please yourself,’ she says, trotting off to the counter. She doesn’t say it unkindly, but I know something is bothering her.

When she comes back, this time with chocolate ice cream, I ask her what’s wrong. At first she pretends to be surprised by my question, but it’s not long before she admits there is something.

‘I’m just worried you’re going off Adam. Or he’s going off you or something. And it’s always the four of us, so what would happen if you split up? It would be so crap without Adam, wouldn’t it?’

I watch Imogen’s mouth moving but what she’s saying is so bizarre, it’s as if she’s talking out of sync.

‘What? Why do you think that? What’s going on, Imogen?’ I can’t keep the annoyance from my voice.

‘Nothing. Nothing. It’s just neither of you talk about each other much and…well, it’s so different to me and Corey. I’m not trying to say—’

‘Adam and I are fine. Okay? Nothing is wrong, I promise. I’d tell you if it was.’ And as I say this to my friend, I wonder if she would do the same for me.

What I’ve said seems to pacify Imogen. She finishes her second tub of ice cream, slurping the remainder of her Coke before pushing the cup aside. Our drinks are so gigantic I don’t know how she’s managed to finish hers when I’m not even a quarter of the way through mine.

Seeming to have forgotten what we’ve just been talking about, Imogen launches into a detailed explanation of what Helena Fletcher did on the last day before we broke up for Christmas. But I’m only half-listening because I can see Adam striding towards me, his movements made awkward by the fact he’s trying to walk in ice skates. Corey is not far behind, as usual trying to keep up.

‘You won’t fucking believe who’s here,’ Adam says, pulling at my sleeve. He doesn’t bother sitting on a chair but perches on the table. ‘Fucking Hollis. That’s who.’

Imogen and I look at each other. This can only mean trouble.

Corey tries to sit on the table as well, but there’s no room so he has to make do with the chair next to Imogen. ‘Can you believe it? What the hell is she doing here? Doesn’t she know students skate here?’ His words might be angry but he delivers them with excitement.

We all turn back to Adam, who scratches at his arm. I’ve noticed him doing this a lot lately but have no idea why he does it. Of course I haven’t mentioned it. I don’t want him to think I’m picking at him. ‘Who the hell does she think she is?’ he says. ‘And guess what? She’s with a
man
!’

Again I look at Imogen, but this time I’m not sure if she’s thinking the same thing I am. That it doesn’t matter if our teacher is here; we can still enjoy ourselves.

‘He must be crazy,’ Adam continues. ‘Who the hell would want to touch her?’

Silently I lose my patience. I have been listening to Adam slating Miss Hollis for years now and I’m sick of it. At school he talks about nothing else so it would have been nice to have a break for one night. I open my mouth to speak but the words fall away, swallowed up by the thought I might upset him. Instead, I try to be a decent girlfriend and understand his anger. After all, I suppose Miss Hollis is a bitch to him.

‘Come and see,’ Adam says. ‘Skating around like she owns the place. Who does she think she is?’ He jumps up from the table, sending the empty ice cream tubs and my Coke hurtling to the floor. He doesn’t notice what he’s done, and is already heading to the side of the rink.

Corey follows him first, a flash of something I’ve not seen before on his face. He is enjoying this too much. Imogen shrugs and we traipse behind. Am I the only one who isn’t interested in seeing Miss Hollis skating? She is entitled to a private life so why can’t we just ignore her?

But to Adam that is impossible, and when we catch up to him he points her out, a snarl on his face. ‘There! See. The blonde witch.’

It takes me a while to spot her, but when I do I think Adam is mistaken. The blonde woman gliding across the ice with her arm looped through a man’s can’t be Miss Hollis. She is too confident, too pretty. Miss Hollis would be shrinking back against the rail, surely? But as she approaches our section of the rink, I realise it is definitely her. A different version of her, but still our teacher.

‘Look how much make-up she’s wearing,’ Imogen says, standing with her hands on her hips. I have never seen Miss Hollis wearing even a scrap of make-up so take a closer look. Imogen is right. Or at least half-right. Miss Hollis
is
wearing make-up but it’s not too much and it suits her. The man she is with is much taller than her but it doesn’t look strange. In fact, they look quite good together. As if they are happy. She leans into him and he laughs at something she says. Even though Miss Hollis is a million years older than me, I feel a stab of jealousy. I doubt Adam and I look that comfortable together.

‘It’s so crowded, she hasn’t seen us yet,’ Corey says.

Adam nods. ‘Which is good for me. Come on.’

And then he is off, pushing onto the ice without checking if we’re following. Corey does, of course, grabbing Imogen along with him. She shrieks and drops her Coke but nobody notices. It is too busy in here for anyone to notice anything.

I stay where I am because they’ve all sped off to get a closer look at Miss Hollis. There is no way I will be able to keep up. It’s hard to keep track of them as more people are crowding onto the ice. Everything is a blur of colour, masking the white that’s hidden beneath the mass of bodies.

Eventually I spot Adam’s red jacket and try to follow him as he weaves in between other skaters. Corey and Imogen aren’t far behind, and all of them are closing in on Miss Hollis. I don’t know what Adam’s plan is, but I can’t believe he will go right up to her and say something.

After a few minutes I’m staring so hard at the figures on the ice that my eyes begin to blur. Something is happening on the rink but I can’t make out what. People are grinding to a halt, pointing and skating around a dark mass in the middle of the rink. Someone has fallen over and it is minutes before they get up. Only then do I realise that it is Miss Hollis, struggling to get a grip on her boyfriend’s arm. And that she has only narrowly avoided having her head sliced open by someone else’s ice skates.

I look for Adam and the others but I can’t see any of them until they appear next to me.

‘Wow, did you see that? Miss Hollis fell right on her arse.’ Adam’s grin is stretched across his face and I’m happy to see it, even though it’s there at someone else’s expense.

I look back towards the rink and see Miss Hollis’s boyfriend helping her off the ice. The evening is over for both of them.