The Girl With No Past (10 page)

I didn’t have time to dwell on what I had agreed to until the queue had died out, but by then it was too late. I was meeting a man I hardly knew and had no romantic interest in for lunch. What was I doing?

‘It can’t do any harm,’ Maria said, when I told her what had happened. ‘He seems nice so what’s the problem?’

Her question was one I had no way to answer. ‘I just don’t see the point. He’ll think I like him or something if I go for lunch with him, won’t he?’

‘Not if you make it clear you don’t. I can’t see a problem. Just go and have a sandwich and a nice chat and leave it at that. Unless you—’

‘Unless nothing! I’m not interested. Not like that.’

‘Okay, okay, I get the point. Just have some fun, that’s all.’

There were just under two hours before Ben would be back, and I spent them walking around the library, tidying up books that people had left scattered around. No matter how many times I did this check, the books always got messed up again the next time I looked, but at least it gave me a chance to think.

I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. In the last few days I had done so many things that were out of character, out of the frame of my life, as if I was on a rollercoaster I was powerless to stop. First, there was Julian and my inexplicable desire to keep up contact with him. Then, there was the email I had replied to without having a clue what it would accomplish. And letting Maria, someone I didn’t know that well, into my home, allowing her to see part of me I had not shown anyone. But now I had agreed to go for a coffee with Ben, and I was not prepared for it. In fact, as much Julian had stirred something within me – the desire to change my life – it terrified me. It meant I was giving up control, and that was a risk.

Mulling it over in my head, I couldn’t see anything too negative that could come from having lunch with Ben. The worst that could happen would be if he wanted more than friendship, but I had no right to assume his motivation for asking me. He seemed friendly, so why not take him at his word that he just wanted to thank me? And we had got on well, hadn’t we? It wasn’t often I felt comfortable talking to anyone so maybe it would be okay. I might actually enjoy myself.

But when one o’clock came and Ben turned up, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that I didn’t deserve to be going for lunch with him. My karma was disrupted; I should be sitting alone in the break room with my Marmite sandwich finishing
Catcher in the Rye
. None of this was right.

‘Are you ready?’ Ben said, brushing droplets of rain from his jacket sleeves. He looked different and I couldn’t immediately tell why. Then I noticed he wasn’t wearing his glasses and I wondered why. ‘You’ll need an umbrella!’

We ended up at Caffè Nero and it set me at ease. After all, if Ben had taken this to be anything like a date it was unlikely he would have brought me here. But despite this, I was too nervous to eat, so made an excuse about being so hungry earlier that I’d had to eat my sandwich before he came. I ordered a hot chocolate, though, and despite his protests, I insisted on paying for everything.

‘So did you save the cat?’ I asked him, when I returned from ordering.

His eyes lit up. ‘Yep, she now has a new temporary home and an adoptive father.’

I frowned. ‘That was quick.’

‘Well, actually it’s me. We’re so short of space at the kennels that I decided I’d look after her until we can find her a permanent home. I’ve just bought new leather sofas but sod it, animals are more important than furniture, right?’

I nodded, although I wasn’t sure I would have made the sacrifice he had. I wasn’t a cat person. Or a dog person. Or an any animal person, but that didn’t mean I wanted any harm to come to them.

‘So,’ Ben continued. ‘You know so much about me already and I know nothing about you except you work in the library. Surely that’s not fair?’

And there was the thing I dreaded, the reason I didn’t do things like this: intrusion into my life. I searched my mind for something, anything, I could say to him so he would assume I was just a normal woman, but there was so little I was able or wanted to share. ‘Well, you also know I’m addicted to books.’

‘You and me both.’

‘Yes, but I don’t give mine away.’ I hadn’t meant to say this or sound rude but Ben’s eyes widened.

‘Well, you can blame Pippa for that. She needs all the space she can get.’

Pippa. So he had a girlfriend. Relief flooded through me and my shoulders relaxed.

I was about to ask him about her but got distracted by the server bringing over our drinks and the cheese and pesto toasted sandwich Ben had asked for. When I saw it I wished I’d ordered something to eat myself.

‘Want some?’ Ben asked, catching me staring at his food. ‘No meat in it, of course.’

Shaking my head, I smiled because somehow it didn’t surprise me that Ben was a vegetarian. I distracted myself from hunger by sipping my hot chocolate while Ben munched his sandwich.

The more we talked, the harder it became to keep up my guard. Ben was nice. Probably too nice, but I wasn’t complaining. I began to feel at ease, almost forgetting myself. As if I was watching two characters on television. The past drifted away and there was no future to worry about, only the moment we were in. It wasn’t a romantic or sexual feeling, more like the comfort of family. Or at least what family should be like.

And then came the question that hurled me back to reality. ‘So do you have a boyfriend?’ I thought of Adam then. He was the only person who’d had the title of
boyfriend
so I had no other frame of reference. It seemed ludicrous; it was so long ago and I was nothing more than a girl, yet it remained a fact.

Shaking my head, I tried to make light of his question. ‘No, much too busy reading for all that.’

Ben rubbed his chin. ‘Yeah, I suppose it’s better to live in someone else’s world sometimes, eh?’

We both laughed, but he had no idea how close he had come to the truth. How close he had come to me.

‘I’d better get back to work,’ he said, looking at his watch. ‘Got to drive out to Acton this afternoon for a training course. Thanks for having lunch with me.’ He looked at my empty mug. ‘Even though you didn’t eat.’

He insisted on walking me back to the library, and by the time we got there we were both drenched. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I fished it out, my wet fingers leaving a trail of water on the screen. The screen showed me I had a new email and I knew who it was from even before I could read anything clearly. Wiping away droplets of rain, I opened the email and read the reply.

Don’t go getting any ideas. There’s no way he wants anything more from you than to pass his lunch hour.

My knees felt as if they would give way, but I quickly recovered and looked around us. Someone was watching me, they had to be. Someone had seen me go for lunch with Ben. But there was nobody paying us any unusual attention. Nobody even looking in our direction.

‘Leah? What is it?’ Ben reached for my arm.

I shrugged him off. ‘I’m…It’s fine. Just work needing me back. Sorry, got to run. See you.’

‘Wait, here, take this.’ He pulled a business card from his pocket. ‘In case you want to talk about books or something. Or find an animal in distress.’

I took it out of politeness, trying to still my shaking hands, but couldn’t say anything. And as I walked off, I could feel Ben watching me, wondering what the hell had just happened.

After that I couldn’t concentrate at work. Maria could tell something was wrong, but I dismissed her concern and told her I was probably still getting over my illness. I could tell she wasn’t buying it, though, and tried hard to avoid her for the rest of the afternoon, making excuses for needing to be anywhere she wasn’t. But I could feel her eyes on me whenever she made an excuse to be close by.

When it got to six o’clock, I gathered up my coat and bag and rushed out of the library, straight into the piercing cold. All I could think about was getting home to lock my door and plan what I should do next. I had never walked home so hastily, and took nothing in around me but the ground at my feet. It was still raining but I barely noticed that either.

Inside my flat, I bolted the front door, scooped up the mail on the floor and rushed upstairs, my breathing only slowing once I sank onto the sofa. I didn’t even remove my coat, and my bag was still slung across my body.

My laptop was balanced on the arm of the sofa and I grabbed it and logged on to Hotmail. I knew the words wouldn’t have changed but hoped seeing them again would strip them of their toxicity. The meaning of them would never alter, but perhaps I could change my perspective and find a way to deal with it.

But no matter how long I stared at the two sentences, nothing changed the fact that someone had been watching me in the coffee shop with Ben. Things had escalated, which meant the police might take the messages seriously, but I couldn’t go to them. No way. Whoever was doing this could be face-to-face with me and I still wouldn’t be able to ask a police officer for assistance. Which left me no alternative but to deal with it on my own.

I didn’t feel like eating, even though I’d had nothing since breakfast, and was about to go to bed and read when I thought about Julian. Perhaps he would be online, or might have left me a message? Either one of those things would help erase thoughts of my emailer.

Logging on, I tried to forget how likely it was that someone was watching all my activity online. There was no way of knowing whether Julian was moderating the website that evening, but when I checked my messages I found one from him. A sliver of excitement passed through me, vanquishing all my fears. It was only a short message, asking if I’d be online the next day, but it was still a glimmer of light in the darkness that enveloped me.

TEN

It was always difficult going back to Watford. I sat on the train, huddled against the window, telling myself I was doing it for Mum. Repeating it in my head like a mantra until I was almost convinced it would be okay. Surely if I was doing something good then karma would repay me somehow? Perhaps even end the email messages? But I knew that was too much to hope for; one good thing wouldn’t make up for the terrible acts of my past.

I had picked a late morning train, assuming it wouldn’t be busy, and I was in luck; only two others sat in my carriage, both of them men in suits with their heads buried in newspapers. I was inconspicuous, alone with my thoughts.

Through the window, I watched trees replace buildings as we headed out of London. The train journey was only twenty minutes to Watford Junction but I would have preferred it if I’d had to go across the country. Even to Scotland. Anything that would delay the moment I’d have to step onto the platform and once more face the place that used to be home. Home was not just a title for where you slept, it was meant to be somewhere that comforted you, not just the house but the whole town or city. A place where memories were built and cherished. Watford would never be that place for me again.

Nothing about the house had changed since I’d lived there, and as I stood on the doorstep, I could have been twelve again. Or fifteen. Even nineteen. The years all blurred into one, just as they did every time I visited. But I didn’t want to be the person I was at any of those ages. Apart from to see Mum, I didn’t want to be there at all.