The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

Table of Contents

A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

“Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.”

“That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.”

The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”

Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.”

Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.”

The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”

Q. Do you know what 6.9 is?

A. A good thing fucked up by a period.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a costume party... Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing only underwear.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.

“A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!”

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!

And the woman was thinking to herself: My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”

“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

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