The Forest Ranger's Christmas (12 page)

“Thank goodness. Were the shingles in bad shape?” Josie asked as she dried a clean mixing bowl with a dish towel.

“Not as bad as I thought. We had to replace quite a few and repair the flashing around one of the vents. The rest of the roof appears to be sound. If we had ignored the problem, it could have easily worsened. I didn’t want Frank to have a leaking ceiling come February or March. Once the snow melts off in the spring, I’ll check it again, just to be sure. We can do more thorough repairs then.”

For some reason, he felt like talking. It was almost as though a surge of adrenaline pumped through his veins. He looked up and noticed a sheen of moisture in Josie’s eyes. She turned away, as though embarrassed by her emotions. He could tell she was touched by this outpouring of love from her neighbors. And wham! A lightning bolt struck him from across the room. This was where he belonged. Here with this woman.

He choked on his cookie and coughed. She stepped near and pounded him on his back. “You okay?”

He nodded, thinking he’d lost his mind. “Yeah, I’m fine. Your divinity is delicious. Very sweet.”

“Thanks.” She smiled and went back to washing dishes. He watched her for several minutes. When he wasn’t trying, he felt as though he’d known Josie all his life. Felt he could say anything to her and she’d understand. But then he remembered his failings with Karen and he felt suddenly out of place. If that wasn’t bad enough, Josie would be leaving soon. It’d do him and Gracie no good to become overly attached to her.

“Why haven’t you remarried, Clint?” she asked.

He blinked, stunned by her question. He coughed again, trying to find his voice.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.” Her face flushed a pretty shade of pink.

“No, it’s okay. Although it is a very personal question.” He wasn’t sure he was ready to discuss his personal life. And yet he longed to confide in Josie.

“And?” she persisted.

“Truthfully, I haven’t remarried because I figure I don’t deserve a second chance.”

“You mean because your first wife died?”

“Yes, but also because of the way she died.”

“And how was that?”

He hesitated a long time. “She took her own life.”

Okay, he’d said it. But the words seemed to pour out of his mouth without his permission.

Josie flinched, her eyes filled with sadness. “I’m sorry, Clint. Suicide can’t be easy on the loved ones left behind.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. And what about you?”

“Hmm?”

“Why haven’t you married? And don’t tell me it’s because you haven’t met the right man yet.”

Her gaze slid to the ground, but not before he saw the regret and disillusionment in her expressive eyes. “Actually, I’ve dated a lot. I’ve even been engaged twice.”

“Really? And what happened?” he pressed.

“Me. I happened.”

He quirked one brow. “I don’t understand.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a bit of a perfectionist. Working all the time. Everything in its place. Neat and tidy. No room for error. You could say I worked a lot of late hours.”

Clint understood that dilemma. Especially during the summer months, when he worked some very long days.

“I failed. I couldn’t make them happy.” Her voice sounded small and wounded.

Clint couldn’t help comparing her doubts with his own. He couldn’t make Karen happy, either. “What do you mean, you failed?”

She hesitated, her shoulders tense. “My last fiancé told me I worked too much and was bitter and unlovable, and that I’m emotionally inaccessible.”

Unlovable? Inaccessible? Clint laughed, not believing that at all. Not when Josie had little trouble confiding in him. In fact, he’d never met a more loving, caring woman in all his life. Completely adorable and lovable.

“I doubt that. Not from my experience,” he said. “Maybe it wasn’t you. Maybe your fiancé wasn’t the right man for you, after all.”

She gave a scoffing laugh. “I don’t know anymore. It doesn’t matter now. But lately, I wonder if he was right. I have stopped working such long hours. I love my job, but it doesn’t keep me warm at night.”

Clint rested his hand on her arm and gave a gentle squeeze. “I sure would never describe you as bitter or unlovable. In fact, you’re just the opposite.”

Oh, boy. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that. He jerked his hand away, realizing he was letting down barriers he couldn’t afford to loosen.

“Thanks, but I doubt Edward would agree with you.”

Clint lifted one shoulder. “Edward doesn’t matter now. He’s in the past. Give it time. You’ll find someone else. Someone even better.”

But he didn’t want her to find someone else. Not unless it was him.

She looked skeptical. “I’m not so sure.”

He snorted. “An attractive woman like you? Believe me, he’s out there just waiting....”

Clint stopped and clamped his mouth shut, realizing what he was saying. He didn’t want to have this conversation. No, sirree. He claimed to have faith in God, but maybe he didn’t. Not fully. Not enough. Not if he couldn’t forgive himself. A wave of fear washed over him. Speaking his thoughts out loud would bring him nothing but heartache. He just couldn’t let go of the guilt.

“Sorry,” he blurted like a fool. “I didn’t mean to imply anything. It’s just that if I loved a woman like you, nothing as simple as you working late would get in the way of me being with you. I think if Edward had really loved you, he would have been more supportive. Instead of complaining, he should have brought you dinner at your work.”

Josie flashed a timid smile. “Thanks for saying that. And no apology is needed. Every woman likes to be told she’s attractive.”

But now that he’d said the words out loud, they were firmly implanted in his mind. He couldn’t take them back, and he knew they’d haunt him for a long time to come.

He didn’t know why he wanted to reassure her, but he hated the sadness in her big blue eyes. Maybe it was because of his past relationship with Karen. Because he understood what Josie was feeling. The regret and sorrow. He tried to tell himself he hated to see her unhappy, and was just trying to make her feel good about herself. But he knew better.

He cared for this woman. A lot. Probably too much. More than he was prepared to cope with right now.

“You’re still young and there’s plenty of time to find that one person to call your own,” he said.

She studied him for several moments, her eyes peering deep into his soul. “It sounds like you should take some of your own advice, Mr. Ranger.”

He didn’t like where this conversation was going and decided to change the topic.

“Yeah, maybe I should. You want to see the roof?” He ducked his head and picked up his tool belt to take outside with him.

“Sure!” She removed her apron, then reached for a sweater hanging from a peg by the outside door.

After stepping out onto the porch, he led her over to the sidewalk, then pointed up at the roof, where the new shingles were visible from their vantage point.

As he explained the work they’d done, she again expressed her gratitude. And once more he felt that full, enveloping warmth of pleasure suffuse his entire chest. As though this was right where he should be. With Josie.

The muffled sound of the buzzer on the clothes dryer sounded from inside and she whirled around. “That’s permanent press.”

They walked back inside and he closed the door while she headed to the utility room to get the clothes out. Clint was about to join her when Frank appeared.

Jerking his thumb toward the doorway, the older man frowned. “Why don’t you ask my granddaughter out?”

“Huh?” Clint’s mind spun dizzily. He couldn’t think of anything more intelligent to say.

“You heard me. Ask Josie out on a date.”

Clint stood against the wall, feeling dazed. “I’m afraid marriage isn’t for me, Frank.”

“Bah! Who said anything about marriage? Just ask her out.”

“Frank, at my age, asking a woman out can get serious very fast. And I can’t let that happen again.”

“That’s baloney. You’re young and handsome and you’ve got a little girl who needs a momma. My Josie needs a family, too. You’re perfect for each other. You just don’t know it yet. But every minute you waste figuring it out is a minute you could be living happily ever after. Believe me, life is short. You never know when it’ll come to an end. You should be happy every minute that you can.” Frank waved a hand in the air before jerking open the refrigerator door and pulling out a carton of milk.

As the man retrieved two glasses, then stomped back into the living room, a stutter of confusion filled Clint’s mind. For years, he’d tried to tell himself he must remain single and focus only on raising Gracie. It was the best way. Right? Of course right! But now, that idea no longer held any appeal.

Chapter Twelve

L
ate Saturday morning, Josie sat curled up on the sofa in the living room, reading from the book of Psalms. Sometimes Gramps practiced his reading from the Bible, speaking the words out loud as she helped him sound them out. The fact that it was Grandma’s birthday today made the Bible even more precious to Josie. Reading from it seemed to bring her closer to her grandmother. The poignant words seeped deep into Josie’s soul. She hungered for the knowledge they imparted. Reading the passages, she started applying the principles to her own life, and saw ways to make herself a better, happier person.

Gramps stepped in from the kitchen and stood in the doorway, considering her. She looked up and smiled.

“Is something on your mind?” she asked.

“Yeah.” He held her gaze for several moments, a look of compassion on his face.

“It’s Grandma Vi’s birthday today,” she said. An overwhelming feeling of love encompassed her heart.

“So it is. You up to taking a little ride with me?” He smiled and popped a piece of toast with raspberry jam into his mouth.

Placing the book aside, she uncurled her legs and sat forward on the couch. “Sure. When did you want to leave?”

“In ten minutes.”

Not a lot of notice, but at least she was dressed. She had tossed a load of laundry into the washer and swept the skiff of snow off the front porch.

Curious about their destination, she indicated her clothing. “Am I dressed okay?”

“Yep.” Chewing the toast, he headed toward his bedroom.

“I’ll be ready.” She stood and went to the closet to stomp on her snow boots and put on her coat.

Gramps soon returned, dressed in his winter gear. He went outside to fire up his truck and turn on the defroster. By the time Josie joined him, a warm jet of air filtered through the cab.

“Where we going?” she asked as she buckled up.

“You’ll see.”

She sat back, enjoying the quiet companionship of being with her grandfather. They didn’t speak as he drove down Main Street. It had snowed again, but melted off the road, leaving the black asphalt gleaming. Shoppers bustled along the sidewalks as Gramps pulled up in front of the general store.

“Why are we stopping here?” she asked, confused.

He opened the door, but left the truck running. “You’ll see. Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

Puzzled by his mysterious manner, Josie decided to enjoy the surprise. As he went inside the store, he waved at a couple of friends who were leaving. True to his word, he returned minutes later carrying four small, potted red poinsettias.

Tugging on the handle, Josie opened the door for him and he passed her the flowers.

“These are nice.” She set the pots on the floor between her feet so they wouldn’t tip over.

“Red was always Ma’s favorite.” He climbed inside, put the truck in gear and drove on.

“What are they for?” she asked as she admired the vibrant color of the soft petals.

“Not what. Who.”

She crinkled her forehead. “Who are they for?”

“You’ll see,” he repeated.

He headed out of town, making a turn near the feed and grain store. As they rounded the bend near the outskirts, she realized where they were going.

The cemetery sat off to one side of the road. Fields lay before her, swathed in snow and segmented by one-lane dirt roads pitted by mud puddles. Headstones laden with melting ice dotted the expansive area. A black wrought-iron fence surrounded the perimeter, the spiky tips reaching upward toward the gray, clouded sky.

Gramps pulled inside the main gate, then drove two rows down and three over before he shut off the engine.

Josie didn’t need to ask what they were doing here. Gramps obviously wanted to visit Grandma Vi for her birthday. The sentimentality of it warmed Josie’s heart. How she wished she had someone to love and dote upon the way Gramps had always doted on Grandma.

Without a word, he climbed out and came around to open Josie’s door for her. She handed him one of the poinsettias.

“Bring two of them and leave one behind for you,” he said.

She smiled, touched by his gift. “Thank you, Gramps.”

She kissed his weathered cheek and a rumbly sound of pleasure came from the back of his throat.

After she’d scooped up two of the plants, he took her elbow and assisted her across the uneven road. As she neared her parents’ graves, an uneasy feeling crawled up her spine. A dark fog filled her mind, the memory of funerals, tears and loneliness. She’d first lost Daddy, then Mom and then Grandma Vi. And by Josie’s way of thinking, that was way too many funerals for someone her age to have to attend. Knowing she’d one day have to bury Gramps almost broke her heart.

Scrunching her shoulder up, she tried to wipe her suddenly damp eyes. Though her grandparents had brought her here throughout the years and told her stories about her family members, Josie didn’t like this place. Even though her loved ones rested here, it was just another reminder of all that she’d lost, and that there was still more to lose.

They tromped through the fresh snow as Gramps led her to Grandma’s grave. Ignoring the dampness, he knelt down and jerked the knit cap off his graying head in a show of respect. The right knee of his blue coveralls soaked up the moisture, but he paid it no mind. With his gloved hands, he brushed snow off Grandma’s headstone. His fingers lovingly caressed Vi’s name before he set one poinsettia on the ground. Bowing his head, he held the cap in his lap.

“Happy birthday, Vi. I hope it’s the best day ever for you up in heaven. And merry Christmas, too.” His low voice sounded thick.

Watching him, Josie felt a deep reverence for the love and esteem he’d shared with her grandmother. Josie wished she could comfort him somehow, but had no words to speak. Deep in her soul, she carried an abiding faith that death was not the end. Her reasoning mind could not accept anything less. And if that was true, then families must be eternal.

Once again, Josie couldn’t help wishing she could share her love with one special man. Someone she could love more than life itself. Someone who would mourn at her grave if she died.

“This is another reason I can’t leave Camlin.” Gramps didn’t look up as his voice surrounded her. “I need to be here for Vi. To visit her every week.”

Josie rested a hand on his shoulder, her feet crunching in the snow as she shifted her weight. “I know, Gramps. You don’t have to leave. I understand.”

And she truly did. For so long, Josie had lived her life isolated, and thinking other people were holding her back. That she didn’t need anyone. That she was better off alone. Now, she realized how wrong she’d been. The quiet support and encouragement she’d received all her life were invaluable. Her family had given her wings to fly. To grow and become a better person. To reach her goals. The realization of how much she appreciated them made her shiver.

“Gramps, why did they divorce?”

He took a deep inhalation before letting it go. “Who knows? Money problems. The stress of life. Selfishness is always at the core. I’ve never heard of a divorce where one or both partners weren’t being selfish in some way or another.”

She supposed that was true, and resolved to be more giving, more selfless.

“I realize Dad was your son, but why didn’t my mom like coming here to visit you and Grandma after he died?”

Gramps took another deep breath. “She did back when they were first married, and you were born. But after the divorce and then your dad’s death, I think it hurt her too much.”

“Why? What happened?”

Her grandfather shrugged his drooping shoulders, his breath puffing on the air. “I think coming here was a reminder of everything she’d lost. It was too painful for her. Suddenly, she couldn’t seem to get along with your grandmother anymore, but I think that was just an excuse not to stay. We always welcomed her with open arms.”

Josie figured her mom must have been riddled by guilt. For years after she’d died, Josie made so many excuses not to come home. To stay away. Because she’d feared the pain of losing the very people she sought to avoid. Maybe she was just like her mother—cold and remote. Angry and unforgiving. And that frightened Josie. Because she didn’t want to end up being alone all her life.

Until she’d met Clint Hamilton and his sweet little daughter, she had given up hope of ever marrying. But now she couldn’t seem to think of anything else. What was it about the two of them that made her want to love again? To put her family first, above everything else, including her career?

She didn’t know; it just seemed to be happening that way. But that didn’t mean she knew what to do about it.

Pray.

The thought came to her so suddenly, a still, small voice deep within her heart.

“One time, I drove by the cemetery after your mom had dropped you off at the house for a short visit,” Gramps said.

“And?”

“And I saw your mom here, lying across your father’s grave. I stopped to comfort her, but it did no good. She was inconsolable. I think she regretted the divorce. Your dad died believing he’d be able to get her back one day. And maybe deep in her heart, your mom believed it, too. But death stole that chance from them. It was too late to make things right. And I think that’s one reason your mom was so unhappy in life. She was racked by guilt. She’d lost your dad and couldn’t make it right. Not in this life, anyway.”

Josie blinked back sudden tears. The thought of Mom lying here, mourning the husband she’d lost, was almost too much to bear. In the past, it would have galvanized Josie’s commitment not to love again. To remain aloof and protect her heart. But not this time. In the past few weeks, something had changed for her. She’d always believed in God and the atonement of Christ, though she hadn’t always shown it. But now, she no longer wanted to wallow in guilt and past regrets. She wanted to live. To take the chances that might lead to her happiness.

Bracing one hand against the headstone, Gramps climbed to his feet and wrapped an arm around Josie’s shoulders. “Your mom and dad loved you very much. I hope you know that.”

No, that wasn’t completely true. “Dad never came to see me after the divorce.”

Gramps jerked his head around. “He did, but your mom wouldn’t let him see you. Every time he called or sent you a gift, she refused them.”

Oh, no. It couldn’t be true. But it must be. Josie realized that now. Her mom had been so filled with anger that she’d made everyone else miserable, too. “I never knew.”

Standing there in the cold field, she gazed at the trio of graves. One day, Gramps would rest along Grandma’s right side. And Josie dreaded that day like the plague.

“I used to think Mom hated me,” she said.

Gramps snorted. “Of course not. After your dad died, I think you were the only thing that kept her sane. Different people react to loss in different ways. Your mom lived for you, but it was hard. She didn’t have much and we didn’t have much to offer her, either. She worked hard to provide for you, and never gave up trying until the very end. I hope you’ll always remember that.”

His words sank deep into Josie’s soul. Suddenly she understood all the sacrifices Mom had made for her. Working extra hours at her various jobs so she could take time off to attend one of Josie’s field trips or science fairs. Although dark circles of fatigue marred her eyes, Mom had never voiced a single word of complaint. She just did it.

Maybe Gramps was right. Maybe Mom hadn’t known how to show her inner feelings very well. Maybe Josie had read the situation all wrong.

And for the first time in a long time, she felt a peaceful feeling settle over her, as if arriving safely at her destination after a long and harrowing journey past a dangerous cliff. It must be the fledgling knowledge that God loved her. That she wasn’t alone as long as she accepted the Lord into her life. A new concept that brought her a lot of comfort.

* * *

Reaching out his arms, Clint swung Gracie free of his truck and whirled her around. She squealed and clung to him. The pompom on top of her red knit cap bobbed wildly.

“Daddy, put me down,” she cried.

He set her on her feet, his laughter mingling with hers in the crisp morning air. He took a breath, the frozen breeze biting his nose and lungs.

“When we’re finished visiting Grandma Vi, maybe we’ll have lunch at the Pizza Shop in town. Would you like that?” Picking up the single white rose he’d laid on the dashboard earlier, he slammed the truck door and took Gracie’s hand in his.

“Sure. Can we invite Grandpa Frank and Josie?”

He released a deep sigh of frustration, his boots sinking into the snow of the cemetery as they rounded a tall, barren cottonwood. For some reason, he just couldn’t get it through Gracie’s head that they didn’t need to spend every free moment with the Rushtons.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea....”

He froze in midstride, staring straight ahead. Frank and Josie stood together beside Viola’s grave, their arms linked, their heads bowed as they spoke quietly together.

Great! He should have thought about this. Of course Frank and Josie would be here visiting today. It was Viola’s birthday, after all. But Clint thought Frank usually came in the afternoons.

Reticent to interrupt, Clint opened his mouth to suggest they come back later.

“Josie!” Gracie yelled.

Too late.

The woman lifted her head, her eyes wide with surprise.

Jerking her hand free, Gracie took off at a run, galloping across the snow-covered cemetery. Not even considering that this was a place of respect.

“Gracie! Stop,” Clint called after her.

She tripped over a low headstone and went down. As he ran to help, she pushed herself up and brushed at the snow covering her pants and coat.

“Hey, sweetheart. You okay?” Josie reached the child first.

“Uh-huh.” Gracie nodded.

Clint didn’t like this behavior at all. He bent over and inspected her. “
Are
you all right?”

She nodded and smiled.

He hugged her, then gave her a warning look. “Okay, but remember where we are. People’s family members are buried here. Be polite and don’t go running across the cemetery like that again.”