The Flex of the Thumb (15 page)

“
Hooommm
is very pleasant,” answered Vano. “Especially deep in. It has a certain transcendence to it.”

Dr. Hicks was losing what little patience he had. “It may seem pleasant, but it happens to be a very serious problem. Do you understand that?”

Vano smiled. “It must seem to be,” he said.

“It's turning you into a zero, a cipher, a non-entity, a vegetable. It's making you invisible. Do you understand what I'm telling you?”

It took a while before he could construct an answer. He finally said, “In my brain I can understand the point you are making, but it lacks emotional impact because I'm hearing you from deep in. I wouldn't want to offend you, but you are a tiny blip on the distant side of a vast landscape. Your words are as neutral as grains of sand.”

Hicks stood up abruptly and began to pace. “Where is Hill?” he asked. “Where is Herne Hill?”

“He's down in the print shop,” Gayle informed him.

Hicks made the observation that Herne spent too much time in the print room. “He is a member of this group, the same as anyone else.”

“Can't we just leave him down there?” suggested Mrs. Applewhite.

Hicks ignored this option when he said to Vano, “Would you please go get him?”

“I'd be happy to get him,” was Vano's pleasant reply. He left the room to fetch Herne Hill.

No sooner did Vano leave the room than Baker arrived. He was carrying a split-leaf philidendron, four feet tall, in a large clay pot.

“What is that?” Hicks asked him.

Instead of answering, Baker walked swiftly so as to occupy the seat next to Gayle.

“You can't bring that in here,” Hicks continued; “There's no telling what debris it might be carrying.”

“Besides that, you're late.” added Dr. Burgemeister. “This group begins promptly at nine o'clock.”

Baker peered at the staffers from between the generous leaves. “I'm only late by 15 minutes. Dr. Radabiancakrishna says it would be good for me to be less compulsive.”

Hicks produced a small bottle of Murine and began applying eyedrops. “You can't bring that in here. The invisible flotsam and jetsam must be enormous.”

“It would be a good idea for you to be less compulsive, I agree with that,” said Dr. Burgemeister. “But if we want to have a successful group, we need to begin promptly.”

“Who is Dr. Radabiancakrishna?” asked Nurse Cubbage.

“He's a new consult,” said Hicks. “Get that thing out of here,” he directed Baker.

“I ain't sitting next to a plant,” said Gayle firmly.

Hicks was out of patience again. “A few days ago, you refused to sit next to John. Maybe you'd like to draw up a seating chart.”

Baker said, “Dr. Radabiancakrishna says it's okay for me to have a placebo. It gives me confidence.”

“That is a plant, not a placebo. I'm only going to say this one more time: take it out of here.” Hicks screwed the cap back in place on his eyedrop bottle before returning it to the inside pocket of his jacket. Baker left in a huff, without speaking.

Vano returned with Herne Hill. Hill was still wearing his leather ensemble, but in addition, he wore a printer's apron. He took an aggressive look around the room, then turned on the television and exclaimed: “Hot damn! Sylvester and Tweetie!”

Dr. Hicks immediately turned it off. “If you don't mind, we are trying to conduct group.”

Herne Hill did mind. “Watch this,” he said to Dr. Hicks. He picked up a square, green ashtray and sailed it like a frisbee through a window. The sound of shattering glass was frightening.

“Lllllll.” said John.

“Okay,” said Dr. Burgemeister. “For that outburst, you lose your television privileges for the whole weekend. What do you think of that?”

Herne Hill folded his arms across his chest; he was staring at his engineer boots. “You can't take away my TV privileges,” he declared. “I have unlimited TV privileges. As a matter of fact, I have
lifetime
TV privileges.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yes it's so.”

“And who authorized these TV privileges, I'd like to know?”

“Nurse Cubbage did,” asserted Herne Hill. “I gave her a dry hump in the kitchen. She wanted to return the favor, so she gave me special TV privileges.”

“This is preposterous!” snorted Nurse Cubbage.

“What's a dry hump?” asked Burgemeister.

“This is preposterous!” repeated the nurse.

“That's where you hump 'em, but with all your clothes still on,” explained Hill. “If you actually shoot your wad, it gets kind of messy.”

“This is preposterous!”

“It's not only that, it's also vulgar,” Mrs. Applewhite pointed out.

Dr. Hicks could stand no more. “
Do
you all mind terribly?? Maybe we could return to the business of this group?”

Even though intrigued by the phenomenon known as dry humping, Burgemeister recognized the wisdom of Dr. Hicks' suggestion. He said, “Let's do just that.” He turned again to Vano Lucas.

“Vano, there's an important piece of your hoom experience which you haven't shared with the group. Would you like to tell us about the particular people?”

“It was the particle people,” said Vano, “Not the particular people.”

“Fine. Tell us about the particle people.”

“I only had one visit with the particle people. I was on my way out of the coma. I only had one conversation with them. You might say they live in space, or you might say space lives in them. They can break themselves down into their individual atomic particles. They move throughout the universe at the speed of light.”

“I see,” said Burgemeister, wondering if in truth he saw anything at all.

Vano continued, after a short hiatus: “Sometimes the diffused particles can come together. When such a coalition occurs, the particle people can assume a humanoid shape.”

Dr. Hicks sighed audibly just before he buried his face in his hands. He said to himself,
Oh my god
.

At this point, Herne Hill rose from his chair. He fished out a small white card, about the size of a business card, from his apron pocket, and presented it to Dr. Burgemeister without speaking. Dr. Burgemeister read the printing on the card:

Pisces: hold your water and keep a tight asshole.

Herne returned quietly to his seat. Dr. Burgemeister made no comment about the card, but slid it into his jacket pocket.

Gayle was curious. Her question for Vano was, “What do the particle people look like?”

“They look like a collection of tiny lights. Tiny as pinpoints. When they coalesce, the lights twinkle more rapidly.”

“What conversation did you have with the particle people?” asked Burgemeister.

“After they explained to me about the particle mode, they informed me that human beings living on earth live in the ego mode. It's because of the ego mode handicap that human relationships usually don't work out. They said that the logical side of
hooommm
was the understanding of the ego mode and the particle mode.”

“They knew about hoom?”

“In a sense,
hooommm
is what they
are
. It was because of my experience in
hooommm
that they contacted me. They even told me of something they call
ultimate hooommm
.”

“What is ultimate hoom?”

“I don't know. The particle people told me that they were only giving me a partial understanding of the true meaning of existence. They told me they hoped that some day my understanding would be complete.”

Dr. Hicks' face was still buried. Without looking up he said, “I've seen some disorganized cognitive process in my time, but this takes the cake. And I do mean
fruitcake,
if you get my drift.”

Herne Hill rose once again to bring Dr. Burgemeister another card. His mission accomplished, he returned quietly to his seat. Burgemeister read the card:

If you hope for longevity, drink the water with

the extra molecule; find the heavy water.

The printing was very neat and regular, as had been the case with the earlier card. Burgemeister put it into his pocket before he turned back to Vano. “You say the particle people talked to you about fundamental truths. Does this mean you believe you spoke to God?”

Vano had no idea this question was meant to locate him within the classic paradigm of delusional disorganization. He smiled before he answered, “They say on planets like ours, people imagine a big man in the sky. But in truth, there is just the universe, expanding and contracting. There are the waves, and there are the particles. They told me the Book of Revelation is just a small fragment of a long epic poem from an advanced people who inhabited the earth millions of years ago.”

“God damn,” said Herne Hill. “Does this guy tell great fucking stories or what?” With this remark, Hill rose a third time to bring Dr. Burgemeister another printed card. Burgemeister read it to himself:

Show me the crevices in your hands and feet.

Consider the cats which scavenge the dumpsters

in your neighborhood.

Dr. Hicks had reached the end of his rope. He went and stood in front of Herne Hill. Palm up, he held out his hand. “Give me the cards. All of them.”

Sullenly, Herne handed Hicks four printed cards.

“Watch this,” said Hicks. Savagely, he tore all four cards into the tiniest bits he could manage, then threw them into an ashtray. “Now, maybe, we can get something accomplished.”

But nothing further was accomplished. When the session was over, the staff went back to a conference room, while Vano followed Herne Hill down to the first floor. Like a shadow, John trailed behind, making his sightless way down the stairs by hanging onto Herne's apron strings.

Hill took out a plastic MCI card and began to ply it in the locked door of the print room. “I think we need to have a talk,
mi amigo,
” he said to Vano.

Vano didn't answer. In medium
hooommm,
he read the large red sign on the print room door:

ABSOLUTELY NO ADMITTANCE

Herne was deft with the credit card. The door swung open. As soon as he turned on the lights he said, “I'm going to need the resources of this print room while I'm here.” He began opening cabinets.

Vano suggested, “Maybe it's not wise to be here without permission. If you get caught there could be serious consequences.”

“More serious than being locked up in the puzzle house? Here—have a card.” He gave Vano one of the heavy water cards. “If it makes you feel any better, we'll put John here at the door. He'll be our lookout.” Saying this, Herne led John into position at the threshold.

Eventually, when words came, Vano said, “But John is blind. Do you think he'll make an effective lookout?”

“He may be a little shaky at his post, but he'll have fun. I've cut the pockets out of his pants so he can have direct access. He's going to be into some ball and chain, big time.”

“I see.”

Hill gave it a wave of the hand. “Have no fear,
amigo
. I doubt if the staff here can find their ass with both hands. Anyway, we need to talk about your thing. Your hoom.”

Vano followed Herne to the paper cutter. If people insisted on saying it wrong, it was okay with him. “I've tried to explain
hooommm
in our group. I can't think of much more to say about it, but I'm willing to try, if you'd like.”

Herne Hill said, “I've heard enough to tell you this: I think you've been contacted by the Federation.”

Vano's vibrations intensified as if a switch had been thrown in his brain. He finally asked, “The Federation?”

“That's what I'm sayin'. Either they've contacted you or you've contacted them. However you put it, it's the same result.” Hill was stacking expensive stacks of bond flannel paper next to the cutter. It took Vano several moments to find his tongue:

“But I don't know what the Federation is.”

“It's a group consciousness thing. It's made up of these thousands of beings who are on a very high plane. They're highly evolved. They don't need words to communicate. Some people are lucky enough to enter their flow of vibrations. I think you might be one of them—that's what your hoom is telling you. Here, have a look at this.” Herne was showing Vano a sketch of a small building flanked by standards with large circles. It looked like a futuristic fast-food restaurant, but Vano was located in so deep that it took several moments to absorb any of the building's particulars.

“This is the prototype of the
Arcane Express,
” Hill explained.

Vano wasn't ready to shift gears. He asked him, “Who are the beings that make up the Federation?”

“Some of them are flesh and blood people, walking around on earth. But most of them are spirit beings who live in another dimension. If you get into their flow, you can feed on their vibrations.”

Vano felt swallowed up by the rich, orange vibes. “Do you think this is the meaning of
hooommm,
then?”

“I thought so from the first time I heard you speak of it,
Amigo
. In fact, it may be that you're already a Federation member. I've heard tell that some people are in it for quite a while before they even realize it.”

Vano remained silent while Hill showed him some more drawings. “The
Arcane Express
is going to be a franchise business which I intend to start as soon as I get out of here.”

“You mean like McDonald's?”

“In a way, but we'll be doing readings and charts instead of burgers and fries. You see the circles here on top of these standards? Each one of these is going to be a marquee
yin and yang
.”