I honestly didn't know where I was going until I found myself in a familiar stretch of road, the natural walls closing in on me slowly. It was late, but I pulled my phone out anyway and dialed, hoping that I would be welcomed. I was seeking refuge after all.
I explained as best I could when the phone was answered, but a whole new set of sobbing began and I was rendered speechless, almost missing the address and directions given to me over the phone.
The clock read three am when I turned into a small drive that belonged to a beautifully quaint house nestled in a small neighborhood in the middle of nowhere. The porch light was like a beacon calling to me as I pulled in and turned off the engine, finally taking a deep breath.
I gave myself a few minutes to calm down before venturing out and grabbing my bag as I approached the door. I knocked quietly as instructed and waited. The click of claws and the sound of sniffing under the door had me retreating a few steps, but I found myself encouraged by the familiar voice cursing at the dog. When she pulled the door open, Maria rolled her eyes and dragged me into a rib-busting hug, mumbling under her breath as she pushed the dog away with her foot.
“Not now, Brewster. Jeez, you're as hard-headed as Libby is. Come in, Kit, and ignore his crazy ass. He'll lick you to death before he bites you.”
“Thank you for this, Maria. I had nowhere else to go, I...” The lump in my throat stopped me from going any further but I persisted. “I promise it's just until I find somewhere to live. I have savings so it shouldn't be long.”
“Don't be silly. I have a guest room and you're more than welcome to stay as long as you like. Libby will love having a history buff around to help with her homework.” She grinned, the curl of her lips fading as my eyes welled with tears. “Sweetheart, you were his the moment you met him.”
“But he was never mine,” I whispered, flopping down on a stool and pushing my arms onto the countertop. I traced the pattern and took a deep breath as Maria walked around the kitchen. “And it's not just him, Maria. Mistress Kayla swore to me she would never hurt me. I mean, I know there's no guarantee in things like that, but she went out of her way to do it.”
“Let me ask you something,” Maria said, leaning over the other side of the counter. She held a saucepan in her hand but pushed it away as she clasped her palms together.
“Okay.”
“Were you ever with a woman before Kayla?”
“No, never. I didn't even think about it to be honest.”
“Then why did you pick her? Why, when you'd probably never so much as been attracted to a woman, did you suddenly decide that she was the one?”
I thought back to the night I'd met Mistress Kayla. I'd been alone and vulnerable. The Dom I'd arranged to meet had been nowhere in sight. She'd had so much confidence, she was adored and she'd picked me. Was that why I'd been so lost in her? Was I so vain that her attention had made me change all of my beliefs?
“It was vanity.”
“Don't be naïve, Kit. We all have to have our egos stroked a little bit in order to be attracted to someone. I'm sure that was part of it, but it had to go deeper. You moved to a whole new state without so much as a blink.”
“She made me feel safe. I felt like I could trust her. She took care of me.”
Maria's eyes widened and she pulled away, grabbing the milk from the fridge, leaving me to the psychobabble she'd instigated. My mom had never wanted kids. She loved me, but I was an accessory. The slew of men that moved through our trailer were more important to her than helping me with homework or spending time with me. I couldn't say I was abused. I'd had it better than most. I'd had a roof over my head and regular meals, and some of the guys she brought home weren't so bad. Mom, unfortunately, had a jealous streak a mile wide, so any attention paid to me meant that she'd been ignored.
My life could have been so much worse, yet it could have been better, too. Was that enough reason for me to get into a relationship with a controlling woman who put me first, had a jealous streak and was entirely possessive of me...?
I covered my face with my hands and reprimanded myself. Surely I had more sense than that? There had to be something more than simple mommy issues. I loved Mistress Kayla. Not just in the platonic way women love their friends, but in a feel it down to my toes kind of way.
“Were you a psychology student, Maria?”
“Is it that obvious?” she asked, pushing a hot chocolate toward me. “I was going to night school and had a year until I graduated when I got pregnant with Libby. I will never regret having her, but I could kick my own ass for procrastinating going back to finish. I made so many excuses.”
“Don't we all?”
She laughed and reached across the counter to squeeze my hand. “You're too intuitive for your own good sometimes, sweetheart.”
“Why don't you go back now? I'm sure your credits will still count.”
“And who will pay the bills while I do that? I'm a single mom.”
“You're making excuses again.”
“And you're deflecting. We're not talking about me. Not tonight.”
I gave her a small smile and rested my chin on my hand. She was right; I was prying and turning her psychology back on her, mainly because I didn't want to think about the two years I'd spent loving someone as an attempt to fix my childhood. I knew what I felt when I'd been with Mistress Kayla, but I also knew there was no jealousy or ownership there as there ought to have been. Not like there had been with Jared, earlier tonight. Then again, that could have stemmed from sharing my mother all those years, which took me full circle back to mommy issues.
“Do you really think that's why I chose to bat for the other team?” I asked, wrapping my hands around the mug. The warmth spread through me as I lifted it to my lips and blew on it, my mind still wandering even as I asked questions.
“Maybe. But you shouldn't listen to me. I never graduated. The only reason I brought it up is because you said to me at the house that you don't find yourself attracted to women as a rule.”
“I really don't. But there's nothing about Mistress Kayla that reminds me of my mom. They're complete opposites, in fact.”
She gave me another one of her penetrating gazes and sipped her own hot chocolate.
“And that's why?”
Maria shrugged. “You're the only one who truly knows. Maybe I'm completely wrong. Maybe it was sexual attraction. You once told me that the heart wants what it wants, but considering you never had the inclination before or with any other woman other than Kayla since, maybe it is part of it? You're the one with all the answers. You have to dig for them.”
“What about Jared?”
“What about him?” she asked with a smile.
“Why him?”
“You two had chemistry even when you were arguing. He likes your submission, but I think he likes that feisty girl who told him off for being arrogant even more.”
“But it's a contradiction. Not that it matters. He doesn't want me. I just don't understand how I fell in love with him when I am clearly in love with Mistress Kayla.”
“Girl, you and Jared are like fire and air. The moment you met him you were destined to fall in love with him. If you don't mind me saying, Kayla saw it, too. She knew what she was doing when she left you at that house. So did Mr. Charles.”
I looked up at her, my hand dropping from my chin. Charles knew what would happen with my feelings for Jared? Why hadn't he said anything? Why would he have...? Once again, our conversation came back in full force. Charles had warned me. He had apprised me about so much in one conversation: Mistress Kayla's need to test me and her love for him, Jared's submission, and then my falling in love with Jared. Charles had given me a heads up to it all and I'd ignored him because I hadn't dealt with or understood what he’d been trying to articulate.
“I'm such an idiot.”
“No, honey, you're human. You're a sexually active young woman with wants and needs and your heart is showing you a path.”
“A path that will hurt others and ultimately myself.”
“I never said it was rational.”
“You should have become a psychologist.”
She laughed her usual buoyant laughter and shook her head. “I'm just telling you what anyone else would, what you would have found out yourself if you looked deep enough.”
I wasn't so sure about that. I never would have made the leap between my mother and Mistress Kayla. No matter how much I didn't want to see the truth in it, I knew that there was just that. Truth. Mistress Kayla was a beautiful, sexy and brilliant woman, who also happened to be an amazing Domme. The only question I needed to answer for myself was how I loved her. Was it full, soul-penetrating love, or was it love borne from a respect and need for what and who she was.
Upon deeper inspection, I could see the differences. I'd compared my love for Jared with my love for Mistress Kayla, but they were separate. Different. One was all consuming, the other was a slow burning fire that had become comfortable.
“What do I do?”
“You want my honest opinion?” she asked, grinning.
“Yes.”
“Wait. You need to know if someone loves you? Wait for them to find you, because if they love you with half as much passion as you have for them, they will search the corners of the earth for you and they won't give up.”
“No stone left unturned,” I mumbled.
Maria grinned and rinsed out her mug, reaching for mine as I finished the last of the hot chocolate. She moved around quietly, leaving me to my thoughts until she was finished and ushered me to bed.
As I lay in the dark, her words turned over and over in my head, echoing to the deepest corners. I had a lot to think about, and even more to process, but her last sentence stuck. She was right. If someone wanted me, they would find me eventually. I just wasn't sure how long I should wait before accepting that they didn't want me at all.
I think I'd only been asleep for an hour when I was woken up by the sounds of the house coming alive. There was a shower running somewhere while music poured quietly from the room next to mine. Looking at the small alarm clock confirmed what I already knew. It was too early for me to be awake on a Sunday morning.
I'd spent most of the night fighting off the thoughts that had littered my mind after the conversation with Maria. I still couldn't be sure if my draw to Mistress Kayla was because of some deep-seated mommy issue or her overwhelming charisma. At that point I wasn't sure I wanted to know. Then there was Jared. God help me, I already knew I wanted him more than I'd ever wanted anyone or anything in my life. Even, dare I say it, Mistress Kayla? I was drawn to him in ways I couldn't put into words, and it wasn't just physical. The nights we'd spent together, cuddled up talking as we fell asleep in that bed at his grandfather's house, had been some of the most comfortable nights of my life. He made me feel like I was the only woman on the planet when he was with me. Yet, I was convinced he didn't want me back.
This was where I saw a flaw in Maria's plan. How long should I wait for them? There was a chance neither of them would come and, truth be told, I didn't expect them to. That didn’t mean I wasn’t going to. Did I wait a week, two weeks? How much time until it made me desperate? Rolling over and looking at the clock, I tried to be rational, something that wasn’t coming easily. I would give them until I found a job and a place of my own. That was it. Then I would move on with my life as best I could. I would start again. I'd done it before.
I heard hurried steps down the hall scurrying toward my door, but it wasn't intended for me. Instead there was a quiet knock on the door next to mine, which was consumed by the music.
“Libby,” Maria said in a whispered hiss. “Turn the music down. I have a friend staying with us for a while.”
“Is he in your bed, Momma?” Libby teased, making porn music sounds. Maria's chortle was genuine, but so were the tut and huff that followed.
“Behave yourself, child. It's a she, and she's in the spare room. She's going through a rough time so be polite.”
“When did you get friends?”
“Careful, Libby, you're not too old to get grounded.”
“Okay, okay, I'm sorry. Who is your friend?”
“Her name is Kit.”
“The lady from Mr. Charles' house?”
I grinned to myself. I didn't know why the thought of Maria having talked about me cheered me up, but it did. I felt cared about. That she'd taken the time to mention me to her daughter felt like a huge thing to me at that point.
Sinking further into the mattress, I closed my eyes and listened to them chattering quietly. I knew that Maria had to be at work soon. It wouldn't be long before she left. The music died and the two of them headed down the hall with their voices trailing and fading, while I stayed where I was.
I wasn't ready to talk and I knew I needed more sleep, even though it was becoming evident that my attempt at doing so was a waste of time. My mind ticked over with flashbacks from the night before, tormenting me through every passing second. It soon drifted to the week spent in New Orleans and the revelation of my love for Jared. If I let myself dwell on it, I knew that I would see what I felt for Jared was stronger than anything I'd felt in my life, and that scared me to death. He was an uncertainty, and there were too many variables when it came to our brief history to really put into place. Sure, we'd had fun together, and it was obvious we'd had chemistry, but then I had chemistry with Mistress Kayla, so what made him so different?
This took me back to Mistress Kayla and the new problem I had with her. Even if she chose not to come looking for me, I knew I would have to eventually go back to her, if for no other reason than to sever the Domme and sub relationship we had. It was the honorable thing to do.
The circles continued to spin, ever expanding and becoming exponentially more complicated as my analyzing delved deeper. At this rate, I was going to drive myself crazy. What I really needed to do was clear my head and get on with my life. What was going to happen would happen, whether I was thinking about it or not.