Authors: Victoria Christopher Murray
Tags: #Fiction, #Literary, #Romance, #General, #African American, #Christian
K
ENDALL
The sun had just bowed from the sky when Kendall crawled into her home much earlier than usual, determined to reclaim the hours of missing sleep. The office couch that had served her well throughout the last months recently had not delivered its promise of rest. She’d prayed that tonight, her satin-sheet covered bed would rock her body to sleep.
But like all the nights since her father had announced Sabrina’s illness, sleep had stubbornly stayed away. This was her punishment.
It was a dim light from the nighttime sun that shone through the floor-to-ceiling balcony windows as Kendall paused at the entrance to the living room. She still remembered every painstaking hour that she and Anthony had spent with the designers choosing the right pieces not only for this space but for the six other rooms that made up their house. With love they’d built their home, the place they’d chosen to spend their forever.
Forever added up to just four years.
Kendall slid back the balcony door and the ocean’s music rushed inside along with its chill. Her velour robe did little to protect her against the breeze, but Kendall welcomed the cold. She needed to feel something.
As the water’s waves slapped against the shore, she wondered what the rest of the world was like. Her friends had long ago stopped calling since she’d never returned a message. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d gone to a restaurant, or a movie, or even shopping. Her days were spent working hard hours in her office for a future she could no longer describe. And her nights were just as pitiful, hanging out in her office or at church with Sheridan, Vanessa, and Asia. Or worse, here at home, mostly on this deck. Always alone. Always with regrets.
I’m afraid that you’ll spend the rest of your life with regrets
.
Those words from Anthony were the ones that kept her up tonight. Her ex was right, she was full of regrets.
She regretted that she loved Anthony.
She regretted that she hated Sabrina.
That thought of her sister made her rush into the kitchen and grab the telephone. Not until after she dialed did she glance at the clock. But even though it was almost midnight, she had to make the call. When the phone rang she braced herself for what would greet her on the other end.
“Hi, Daddy.”
She heard him exhale relief, and it wasn’t until then that she realized a call this late probably sent his heart racing. When he said, “Baby girl,” she exhaled her own breath of gratitude.
She said, “I left you a couple of messages. We missed our dinner last week.”
“Sorry ’bout that.”
“What about tomorrow? It’s Tuesday.”
“I don’t think so, baby girl. I’ll probably be at Sabrina’s apartment. I spend as much time with her as I can.”
“How is…well, how are you?”
“Oh, baby girl, I’m just tired.” She could hear his weariness. “This has been too much for me.”
“Have you eaten? I know it’s late, but Yee’s stays open till two.”
“No, it’s too late, and I haven’t had much of an appetite.”
“You have to eat. You have to keep your strength up for…” It made her sad; she couldn’t even say her sister’s name. Finally, she whispered, “How’s…Sabrina?”
Even through the phone, she could feel her father’s smile. “She’s having chemo, but she needs you, baby girl, and I’ve been praying for this moment.”
“Daddy, I just want to know how she is.”
“I’ve been praying,” Edwin continued, “that your eyes would open.”
“I just want to know…how’s Sabrina? That’s all.”
Now she felt his smile go away. “Baby girl, please don’t waste any more time.”
“Daddy, you’ve got to stop asking me.”
“I’ll never stop asking you to do what’s right.”
“Sabrina doesn’t need me; she’s a survivor.”
“Then you know more than the doctors, because ‘survivor’ is not a word they’re using.”
It was an involuntary gasp that pushed through her lips. But she gave him no more words.
Edwin continued, “I never thought I’d see this day….”
“You’ve already told me how disappointed you are in me.”
“And so what do you want me to do? Find new words? Would that make you do right?”
“I am doing the right thing. I’m doing what’s best for me.”
“What’s best for you is for your sister to die?”
She couldn’t respond.
“Because that’s what will happen if she doesn’t have this transplant.” He waited for his daughter to speak. “Kendall, you go to church every Sunday. What’re you hearing when you sit in those pews? What’s going into your ears? What’s filling up your heart?”
“There’s nothing you can say, Daddy, that will make me change my mind.”
He paused for a moment. “Kendall, why did you call?” She’d heard his smile; now she heard his disgust.
“To check on you.” She spoke through lips that had already begun to tremble.
“There’s no need for you to call back.”
She swallowed.
He said, “When you understand family, when you can put your sister before your pride, then give me a call.”
“Daddy, please.”
“I’ll be waiting for you, Kendall. Sabrina and I will be waiting for you.”
She held on to the phone long after her father hung up on her.
V
ANESSA
No matter what truth God spoke to her heart, her mind still told her lies.
If you do it, you won’t hurt anymore
.
Vanessa kicked the covers onto the floor and wiped her eyes dry of the tears she’d shed for the last hours. Goose bumps rose on her arms when she scampered from her bed in her sleeveless nightgown down the darkened hallway.
At Reed’s desk, she stopped her hand aimed for the computer in midair.
She’d been able to stay away for a few days. It was because of Sheridan and the prayer she’d said at the end of the last meeting. Now she understood that she was in a war, the battle between her heart and her head. If she wanted to win, she had to stay connected to her heart, fight to keep the thoughts out of her head.
If you do it, you won’t hurt anymore
.
She had been winning—listening to her heart, casting down her thoughts. But in the dark of the house, in the quiet of the night, in the hours well past midnight, she was alone. Alone. That was the battle that she could not win.
With one click, the computer screen became her light. It took only minutes to navigate to the chat room; she knew how to find her friends.
Once there, she typed in the moniker she’d been using.
lonenla: hey guys.
4choice: What’s up? Where’ve you been?
lonenla: i’ve been busy, but tonight, i couldn’t sleep. i didn’t even know if any of you would be here—it’s three in the morning.
Joynpain: Well, it’s six where I am. Couldn’t sleep? Did you take those pills like I suggested?
lonenla: yes, but tonight, not even the pills helped.
4choice: Why do you think that is?
lonenla: one month ago today, my husband committed suicide.
4choice: He made that choice and now he’s happy.
lonenla: but i still don’t know why he did it. don’t know why he left me.
4choice: That part was his choice, too. He shouldn’t have to tell anyone. Just like if you decide—you shouldn’t have to explain it.
Joynpain: Have you decided what you’re going to do?
Vanessa paused before she typed: no.
Joynpain: You don’t have to rush it.
4choice: No rush, just remember it’s your choice. Your husband knew that.
Lauralee: Hello. I’ve never been here before.
Vanessa sat back as the others introduced themselves to Lauralee. She wondered who this woman was who, like her, had found her way to this chat room in the middle of the night. She watched the chat proceed—read 4choice’s words as he lectured Lauralee, just as he’d lectured her—that suicide is a personal choice. That there’s nothing wrong with it and she should never have any doubts if that’s what she wants to do.
For more than an hour, Vanessa watched the discussion. Without light, her eyes began to burn. But still, Vanessa stayed in the dark.
When Lauralee logged out, Joynpain typed:
Lone, are u still there?
lonenla: yeah, i was letting you guys chat.
4choice: You could have joined in. We’re here for you.
lonenla: thanks for saying that. i don’t feel like i have a lot of friends these days.
Joynpain: You’ll always have us. For as long as you’re here.
4choice: Yeah, and remember even Jesus lost His friends in the end. Those disciples scattered like girls when He needed them most.
Vanessa’s head snapped back when she read those words. None of her friends in the chat room had ever talked about God before.
lonenla: do you believe in God?
Joynpain: Yes.
Vanessa’s eyes widened, although she didn’t know why she was so surprised.
lonenla: do you go to church?
Joynpain: I believe in God, but not in church. Don’t like the hypocrites. But that has nothing to do with God.
Vanessa paused, read her message a few times before she typed:
do you think God would be mad at me if i were to do this?
4choice: Not at all. God brings you into this world, but He gives you free will. That means we can make our own choices—on how to live and then how to die.
Vanessa read those words over and over. She’d never heard that before, but 4choice’s words had to mean something. She didn’t bring up God, her friends did. And she knew how God worked—through people. Maybe this was His way of finally reaching out. Maybe this was the message she’d been waiting to hear.
4choice: Is that what you’re worried about? Is it because of God that you haven’t done what you want to do?
lonenla: i just think i have to do this the right way. i’ve been waiting for a message from Him.
4choice: Well, here’s your message. God wants you to be happy. And you have to make the choice on how best to be happy. God decides your beginning, but you can choose your end.
The tears that rolled down her cheeks this time had nothing to do with sadness. God was finally talking to her.
She clicked off the computer without logging off and settled in the quiet dark for a while. It had taken weeks, but she finally had her message, His permission. On the one-month date of Reed’s death. Now all she had to do was decide when her date would be.
A
SIA
It was clear—she’d been going about this the wrong way. But now Asia had it together. These women were her assets.
She heard their muffled voices as she stood outside the Learning Center. They were probably talking about her. She needed to turn this around. Tonight.
Her reflection in the glass door showed that she’d made a good start. For the last few weeks she’d worn her designer clothes, her diamond accessories, making sure she set herself high above these commoners. But tonight she wore jeans, albeit a pair that had cost Bobby well over three hundred dollars. “Hey, ladies,” she said as she strolled inside. “How’s everybody?”
They twisted toward her. Then stared, as if there was a stranger among them. Asia slid into her seat. Still they looked at her as if she’d landed from another planet.
“What?” she asked, when not one of them made a move. “Aren’t we having our prayer meeting?”
“Yeah, we are,” Sheridan said. “But who are you?”
Asia laughed. “I know. I know.” She held up her hands. “I haven’t been the happiest chick on the block.” She leaned back and crossed her legs. “But I realized that my aunt was right. This is a good thing—for all of us.”
Sheridan smiled as she sat down. “What brought this on?”
Asia shrugged. “I came to my senses. I’m one of those smart girls from Compton, you know.”
“Compton?” Kendall and Vanessa said at the same time.
“Yeah.” Asia responded with attitude. It wasn’t often that she told anyone where she was raised. She’d left that part of her history behind when she’d met Bobby.
“You’re from Compton?” Kendall asked.
“What about it?” Asia said, losing the cheer that she’d walked in with. She was ready to throw down if Kendall jumped in her face about Compton.
Kendall laughed. “Keep your panties on, little girl. I’m from Compton too.”
Asia’s eyes narrowed. “You’re from Compton?” She looked Kendall up and down. “Get out.”
Vanessa said, “I’m from Compton, too.”
Kendall and Asia sang “Get out” together.
Vanessa nodded.
“I cannot believe this,” Asia said, raising her hand to give Kendall a high five. “My homies.” Then the three turned to Sheridan.
She held up her hands. “Sorry.”
Sheridan chuckled. By the looks on their faces, she couldn’t tell if they felt sorry for her or were disappointed. She said, “The man I’m seeing lives in Compton. Does that count?”
“Get out,” Kendall said, “Your man lives in Compton?”
“Get out,” Asia said. “You got a man?”
They all laughed.
“Yes,” Sheridan said. “I have a man,” she paused, as if she had to think about it for a moment. “I have a man,” she repeated, “and he lives in Compton.”
“Well, it looks like we have something else in common besides loving the Lord,” Vanessa said.
“Yeah,” Asia said, “We’re four girls from Compton.” She looked at Sheridan. “Well, three and a half.”
Again they laughed.
“Okay, enough jokes about me,” Sheridan said. “So, I guess I don’t have to ask how everyone’s doing. Is there anything anyone wants to share?”
Kendall said, “I liked what we did last week. It felt good to pray.” She paused, looked at the ladies. “And it felt good to pray for you.”
“I agree,” Vanessa said. “Praying for all of you took the focus from me and now I really know how to proceed with my life.”
Asia added, “Yeah, praying for each other worked for me, too. It kept my focus on my daughter.”
Sheridan leaned forward. “How are things with Angel?”
Time to plant more seeds
. “She’s still unusually quiet.”
“Have you checked with her school?” Sheridan asked.
“Her teachers say she’s fine.” Asia shrugged. “Maybe I’m imagining things.”
“I don’t have any children,” Vanessa started, “but I know this—trust yourself. If you think there’s something going on with your daughter, don’t second-guess. Find out what it is.” She took Asia’s hand and squeezed it.
“Yeah, and I’ll keep praying for her covering. You know God will protect her,” Kendall said.
Outside, Asia kept her face drawn, serious. But inside, she smiled. “Thank you. I appreciate your prayers.”
“That’s what we’re here for,” Sheridan said.
“Really? I thought we were here to complain about our exes.” Kendall chuckled.
“Well, that too,” Sheridan said.
“Ladies, I got lots of complaints,” Kendall said.
“I know that’s right,” Asia said.
Even Vanessa laughed.
Asia leaned back as the banter continued. She’d walked into this meeting with a plan, but it didn’t look like she was going to need to manipulate much. All she had to do was be herself and these women would love her. Next, they would stand by her side if she needed them.
Last week, she couldn’t wait for the meeting to be over. But now, these meetings could go on forever. Or at least go on until her plan with Bobby worked.
“It’s so nice to be here with all of you,” Vanessa said. “I guess we’re doing what Pastor said. We’re finally bonding.”
Sheridan nodded. “Praying for each other will do that.”
“Well, I feel closer to all of you,” Vanessa said.
“Just because we’re from Compton?” Asia laughed.
“Yes, that. But it’s much more. I’ll never be able to thank you all enough.”
Asia smiled. There was something about Vanessa tonight—she looked wonderful; glowed with peace. Hopefully, after a few more weeks in the prayer group, she’d dress better, too.
Asia rested her glance on each of the women and leaned back in her chair, satisfied. She was sure of it now—Bobby Johnson didn’t stand a chance—he was going down.