Chapter Four
“Breakfast was delicious, Blake.” Poppy leaned back in her seat and smiled at him. The sunlight poured through the bay window and cast a golden glow across Blake. The thermal Henley he wore was snug against his broad chest, and Poppy could make out the twin mounds of his
pecs
. She looked away quickly. After finishing her coffee she stood and walked over to him.
“Here, let me do the dishes.” She reached out to grab his plate, but his hand atop hers stopped her. She lifted her eyes to his and waited. For a moment she was struck by how handsome he was. Guilt immediately consumed her.
“Forget about the dishes. How ‘bout I take you to the waterfall?”
“Really?”
Actual excitement filled her. “Like an actual waterfall?”
His chuckle was deep and
low,
and it did funny things to her belly, things she didn’t really want to think about.
“It’s not much of a waterfall this time of year, but it’s still a beautiful sight.” He stood, and she took a step back. “It’s breathtaking this time of year, and if you want to see it we should go before the storm hits.”
“A storm is supposed to hit?”
He scooped up his plate and took hers out of her
hand
.“
Yeah
. We’re supposed to get a few feet starting tomorrow night, and it’ll continue until Sunday evening.” He set the dishes in the sink and turned around. Blake leaned against the counter and crossed his muscular arms over his chest. He hadn’t shaved yesterday, and the extra
day’s worth
of growth looked really good on him. “First I’ll show you the office so you’re familiar with it come Monday, but then we can head up the mountain.” He grinned.
“Okay.” She headed back to her room to change into warmer clothes and freshen up then met Blake in the kitchen. He was already dressed with his coat on and his car keys in hand.
Once in the SUV they headed into town. They didn’t really speak, but that was okay because a comfortable atmosphere filled the vehicle. They pulled into the small parking lot of the Wildlife Preserve, and Blake cut the engine.
The first thing
Poppy
noticed inside the building were the framed samples of different flora and fauna that lined the walls. A small desk was off to the right with stacks of paperwork littered atop it. A standard, grey filing cabinet stood next to that.
“So, that’ll be your desk.” Blake pointed to where her gaze was already. “As you can see we are in desperate need of some help.” It was cute the way his cheeks turned pink after he said it.
Noise sounded down the hallway, and Blake gestured for her to follow. A door stood to the left, which was closed, and Blake told her that’s where most of their records were kept.
“You guys don’t keep anything in the computer?” He continued to lead her down the narrow hallway and stopped in front of the only other door.
“We do, but internet connection out here is spotty, if we can even get it. Besides, we’re kind of old school around here. Maggie likes to have actual hardcopies of our findings, but we still have to input our data into the system. That’s where you come in.”
“Maggie?”
Blake pushed open the door and proceeded to let her enter first. A thin woman was bent at the waist and rifling through a box of papers.
“Hey, Maggie.”
The woman stood at the sound of Blake’s voice. She pushed her wire-rimmed glasses up the bridge of her nose and smiled.
“Hi, Blake.”
She flicked her eyes toward Poppy, and a slight frown wrinkled the skin between her eyes.
“This is Poppy Ellis, my sister in-law and the one who is going to help us get the files organized.” Maggie smiled, but Poppy could tell it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“Nice to meet you, Poppy.”
Maggie wiped her hand on her brown corduroy pants before sticking her hand out. “Maggie Harris, wildlife botanist and Blake’s partner.” The way she said “partner” sounded almost like she tried to stake some kind of claim on Blake.
Okay.
Poppy took her hand and shook it, and didn’t miss how the other woman tightened her grasp marginally.
“Nice to meet you, too.”
“I was just showing Poppy the place then we’re going to head up to Falls Cliff.”
“Oh, well, have fun. The storm is supposed to hit tonight, so you’re heading up there just in time.” Maggie looked behind her. “I’m just trying to find the files on
Hierochloe
odorata
. I could have sworn I put them there, but I’m having a hell of a time finding them.” When Maggie turned back around she looked at Blake.
“I think you stored them in the
Calamagrostis
canadensis
.”
Poppy looked between the two of them, not sure if they were speaking English. Blake turned to her and smiled.
“Those are just the scientific names of two different types of grass.”
Poppy nodded but still felt so completely out of place. She was totally out of her element. When she lived in Ohio she worked in advertising. Now it seemed she had to work with long, foreign sounding names for different types of grass.
“Don’t worry. We don’t expect you to memorize the scientific names or anything.” Blake threw his arm around her shoulder and grinned down at her. “Come on.”
Blake led her toward the door, and Poppy glanced behind her shoulder. “It was nice meeting you again.” Maggie said but her attention was on Blake’s retreating form. When Maggie finally looked back at Poppy she had a forced smile on her face.
“Likewise.”
With that Maggie turned away and continued to dig through the box.
Once they were back in the vehicle and on their way to the falls, curiosity got the best of Poppy. “So, uh, you and Maggie work together long?”
“About three years now. She came from Seattle to do an internship in my office. Once she completed it she decided to stay in Blithe.”
Poppy watched the scenery pass by them. She would have been a fool to miss the attraction on Maggie’s face. She would have also been blind not to feel the hostility that came from the other woman that had been directed right at her.
Blake maneuvered the SUV up the winding mountain for another twenty minutes. Finally he stopped and climbed out of the car. Poppy followed.
“It’s about a fifteen minute hike to the falls, but the trail is fairly flat and shouldn’t be too difficult, even with the light layer of snow.” He led the way, and Poppy kept close behind him.
The sights, smells, and noises were stunning. Large trees towered on either side of them; the smell of crisp air and pine surrounded them, and the small sounds of animals scurrying about made her feel like one with nature. Blake pointed out the different types of flora and fauna, and although she honestly couldn’t keep up with his scientific lingo, she was interested. Blake was intelligent and knew exactly what to say to keep her mind in a positive light, whether he knew it or not.
The wind picked up, and she tucked her chin to her chest and pressed on. The sound of rushing water could be heard before anything could be seen. A break in the trees led to a clearing that overlooked a gorgeous waterfall. Poppy hadn’t realized the trail ascended so much, but as she stepped closer she saw
a steep drop-off just feet
from her.
Blake’s hand gripped her bicep. “Careful.” His breath teased tendrils of her hair that had fallen free from underneath her knit hat. “The ground is slick, and the edge might not be stable. I wouldn’t want to have to dive in after you when you go over.” She looked over her shoulder and realized he was far closer than she realized. His voice held a teasing tone, but she found herself growing uncomfortable by the tightening in her gut.
Disentangling herself from his grip, she took several steps back and looked at the scene before her. The great, rushing waterfall cascaded from at least twenty feet. It was just a steady stream of water and not the rushing torrent that she imagined, but then again it was October. A basin of water pooled below the falls, churning slowly then traveling down the mountain. The cold air rose up from the bottom, and Poppy pulled her coat tighter around her.
“It’s so beautiful.”
“Yeah.”
Blake said as he stared at the scene in front of him. He pulled a thick blanket out from the backpack he wore and laid it out on the ground. He sat and patted the seat next to him. Once Poppy sat beside him they watched the water rush down before collecting at the basin.
“After Jon died I came up here a lot to think.” She was surprised by his comment, but didn’t interrupt. Even before Jon passed away Blake hadn’t been very forthcoming with his feelings. Even when Poppy had opened her heart up to Blake all those times they spoke, he hadn’t really shared what went on in his head. Poppy had never pressed him, though. She knew all too well that people dealt with their grief differently.
“The quiet helped me out, believe it or not.” His knees were drawn up, and his forearms rested atop them.
He kept staring at the falls, and she wished he would look at her so she could see what was going on behind his hazel eyes. The wind blew his short dark hair around his head, and Poppy had the strange urge to brush the locks away from his forehead. Instead she curled her fingers into her palms and turned her attention forward.
“It isn’t your fault, Poppy.”
Shock resonated through her at his words, and she looked at him. “What?” Blake looked down at her, his eyes holding so much emotion she felt it all the way inside of her.
He looked away, and when he dragged his eyes back to hers the sadness behind them had her throat closing. Why did she think coming to stay with Blake had been a good idea?
“I came to the hospital after your surgery.”
Poppy blinked in confusion. “You came to the hospital?
To see me?”
She saw the way his throat worked when he swallowed. For several long moments he didn’t answer her, just watched the water cascade into the basin.
“Yeah.
Mom and Dad called me right after the accident, and I got on a red eye. They told me you had internal bleeding and didn’t know if you’d even make it through surgery.”
Poppy’s hand went to her belly as the memories of those days spent in the hospital came back full force. Blake’s words reopened the scar on her belly, reminding her that she should have died in that car right along with Jon and their unborn baby.
“I sat by your bed that whole night, just watching you sleep.” Poppy didn’t know any of this. After two years of talking, of planning on her move, Blake had never said any of this. “You talked a lot while I was there. Of course you were out of it, and a lot didn’t make sense.” Blake had turned his body so he faced her. “But the thing you murmured over and over again was that it you thought it was your fault he died.” He took her hand in his, and Poppy let the warmth seep into her. His words, and the way he spoke them, touched not just the surface, but deep down as well.
“I don’t know what to say.” The words came out on a whisper, and she felt tears burn in the corner of her eyes.
“You don’t have to say anything, sweetheart.” Blake moved closer and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. With the side of her body flush with his, Poppy let her head fall to his shoulder. “I just want you to know that is isn’t your fault.” He gave her a little squeeze as if to emphasize his point.
They sat there for another hour, not saying anything else. The weather grew colder, but Poppy didn’t care. Sitting next to Blake, even if no words were said, was the single most peaceful and fulfilling moment she had experienced in the past two years.
Chapter Five
The storm had come Saturday night and lasted all through Sunday afternoon. Poppy had stayed inside the whole time, watching Blake keep the fire going. It was strange, but being around Blake didn’t require a lot of conversation. They could enjoy each other’s company without words getting in the way.
The sun had already set, and aside from the desk lamp on the desk in the corner, the only illumination came from the fire. Poppy sat curled under a blanket with a book in her lap. Blake sat on the other side of the room at his desk working on paperwork. He had a pair of glasses on, and his hair was disheveled from the numerous times he ran his fingers through it. Poppy found it extremely hard to concentrate on anything when his big body was hunched over the desk and a look of concentration marred his face.
The light from the lamp cast harsh shadows along his angular jaw. Blake still hadn’t shaved, and Poppy admitted, albeit only to
herself
, that it added a rugged, masculine quality to him. Although he only sat there, working on mundane things, there was no denying he was very comfortable in his skin, in his surroundings. It wasn’t just that he had lived in this environment for years. It was something deeper, something almost … peaceful.
“You’re thinking too hard.” Blake lifted only his eyes to her and smiled. His glasses slid down his nose, and he watched her over the rims. He straightened and leaned back in his chair. The leather creaked from his weight and the movement. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” He took the glasses off and rubbed his eyes.
“Nothing in particular.”
Poppy set her book aside and wrapped the blanket tighter around her middle. “I was just thinking that you seem like you’re at peace. It’s nice, comforting in a way.” When he opened his eyes she swore she could see the green and brown mixed together. The shadows wrapped around him like a cloak. The way he glanced away made her wonder if the peace had all been an illusion.
“Sometimes what you see isn’t always the truth, Poppy.”
“No? Why do you say that?”
He stood and cracked his back. Blake walked around the desk and sat on the couch across from her. The sound of the fire crackling pierced the sudden silence.
He watched the fire, and she watched him. Blake laid his head against the back of the couch and turned to look at her. “Did you know I used to be a troublemaker?” He said then smiled.
“Oh? I thought I knew everything there was to know about the Ellis boys.”
Blake chuckled and shook his head. “Nah, I used to run my dad ragged. ‘Course I doubt you would remember any of it, and I sure as hell know my dad didn’t brag about all the shit I did. You and Jon were too little, and even if he realized what I did he was too enamored with you to notice anything else.” A faraway look crossed his face, but he quickly hid it. “He used to follow me around. It drove Dad nuts.” He rubbed his eyes again. “I hated Jon following me around, used to piss and moan about it, but Dad always told me that he looked up to me, that I had to set a good example.”
Poppy wasn’t sure where Blake planned on going with this, but if it helped him then she would be that ear he needed. Lord knew she had unloaded enough of her shit on him over the years.
“I hated all the rules my dad laid out, hated having little brother follow me around.” He looked at her again, and his pain was so strong that she felt her throat clog shut with it. “I wanted to do whatever I pleased. Yeah, I was a cocky little shit back in the day. I guess my point is I wish I could go back to the days where Jon hung on my coattails.” Blake leaned forward and placed his forearms on his thighs. For a long time he did nothing but let his head hang between his shoulders. “I see him, running around, that goofy ass smile on his face, and I let myself feel happy again when I think of him.” Poppy knew exactly what smile Blake talked about, and the happiness that thought brought.
“But even though those thoughts bring me a sense of comfort the pain, dread, and regret follow.” He lifted his head and looked at her. “You can’t change the past, and you can’t control the future. You have to embrace your life, or the sorrows of the world you carry on your shoulders will drag you down to the pit of despair.”
Poppy forced herself to look away from Blake and the words he said. She hated that he spoke the truth, hated that he was so damn smart. “When did you become so smart?” She wasn’t really talking to him in particular, but he took her hand in his regardless, and she clasped it.
“It’s not about being smart,
Poppy
girl. It’s about knowing which battles you want to fight. Life is way too short.” He tightened his hand and smiled. “I know, without a doubt, that Jon wouldn’t want you to keep all of this inside of you. It’s eating you up, Poppy, and you need to let it go. You can’t do it for anyone else but yourself.” His big, warm hand landed right over her heart, and her breath stalled. “You have to accept death in order to understand life.”
****
Blake felt the steady beat of Poppy’s heart right below his palm. Her eyes held unshed tears, and she blinked rapidly. He could tell she did so to keep them at bay. Her mouth opened and closed several times, but she didn’t say anything.
“What is it?” Over the years he had found out so much about her. Their conversations hadn’t always been about Jon’s death, but the majority of the time they were. Poppy didn’t know how to deal with what she felt, and how not having Jon around changed her life. When she wasn’t telling him about the turmoil they felt, Poppy gave him little pieces of herself in her words.
He had loved her because she was the girl Jon loved, because she was his little brother’s wife, but after speaking with her and feeling their connection grow, he loved Poppy Ellis, the individual that she was. How could he not when she had been so important to the one person that he cared about the most?
Blake remembered the very first time Jon told him he loved Poppy Mathews, and that he would marry her at seven years old. That had been the start of a great romance, one that poems should have been written about. It was the love Jon had for Poppy that made Blake believe in soul-mates and love at first sight.
“I didn’t tell you everything, Blake.” Her softly spoken voice drew him out of his thoughts.
“What do you mean?” He still held her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Their relationship was one of open honesty. He would never hold anything back from her, and she knew he was always here to listen. Jon’s death had brought them together in a way that survivors clung to one another. At least that was how Blake felt.
Poppy turned her whole body toward him. The tension that surrounded her was thick, but he didn’t rush her. Obviously a serious subject matter had just arose, and she deserved his understanding and undivided attention.
“That night, before the accident, Jon and I were fighting.” She closed her eyes, and her face took on a look of pain. “It was so damn stupid. He went to lunch with a female co-worker, and I blew it way out of proportion.”
“Poppy—” She shook her head, and he stopped what he was about to say.
“Please, let me say this.” The blue of her eyes seemed more intense with her unshed tears. “I wanted to tell him that I…” He heard her swallow. “I was pregnant, and because of my stubbornness and not letting the stupidity of the fight go, I never got to tell him.” Her hand went to her stomach, and Blake felt his throat close with emotion.
He didn’t know this, and as far as he knew no one else in the family did. Everyone knew she had internal bleeding and required surgery to repair it, but she had been pregnant?
“I had just found out, and was only like a month along, but we had been trying for so damn long. I wanted to tell him that day over lunch, but he went to lunch with his co-worker instead.”
“Poppy, you know Jon would never have cheated on you.”
She nodded and wiped her tears away. “Of course I know that. It was my own insecurities and jealousy that made me so angry.” When she lifted her eyes to his the firelight played off the tears slowly sliding down her cheeks.
“Hey, now.”
He brushed them away with his thumb and cupped her cheek. Her skin grew warm from the fire. “This is not your fault.” She started shaking her head, and he cupped the other side of her face with his hand. “Poppy. This is not your fault. Do you understand me? The accident, the fighting, even losing the baby was not a result of you doing anything wrong.”
“I know, it’s just,” she took a deep breath, “I wonder if I hadn’t kept the fight going maybe Jon wouldn’t have been so worried about me and the accident may never have happened.”
“Sweetheart.”
Blake ran his thumbs under her eyes. “Things happen, no matter what we do. We can’t control the weather, and we certainly can’t control other people’s actions.” The car that had slammed into them had lost control and hit a patch of black ice. When it hit Jon’s car it caused it to careen out of control and slam so hard against a telephone pole the car had nearly wrapped around it.
Poppy had been lucky she lived that day, but because the driver’s side had been the one to take the impact, his little brother hadn’t been so lucky. Blake was just glad Jon’s death had been instant. If Jon had suffered it would have made the grieving process even more arduous.
“I knew as soon as I woke up in the hospital that I lost the baby. I may have only been a few weeks pregnant, but I suddenly felt so empty. All I wanted was that little piece of Jon still inside of me, still with me.” Hard, wracking sobs left her, and Blake pulled her into his lap. Her whole body shook from the force, and he wished he could take the pain away from her.
“I didn’t tell anyone, couldn’t even bring myself to say the words. I’m a coward, Blake.”
“
Shhh
, Poppy.” He cupped the back of her head and whispered things he wished someone would have said to him when he had been hurting. “I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“There is just so much anger inside of me, Blake.” Her muffled voice surrounded her, and when she lifted her red-rimmed eyes, something inside of him clenched with torture. Seeing her upset was so much harder than hearing her tears over the phone. “I feel like I’m drowning in it, Blake. When will it go away to where I don’t feel like this?”
He searched her face, but didn’t know how to answer. “I don’t know, Poppy. I don’t know.” He pulled her into his chest again and rocked her until her sobs stopped and the even sound of her breathing told him she had fallen asleep.