The Door at the Top of the Stairs (24 page)

And when you trot—"

"Look stupid."

"Exactly."

She took Kanab through his paces, making sure he never actually trotted so she wouldn't have to post. He was good with his jumps. Some horses never get the timing right, but all of Morgan's horses were excellent. She’d bought them specifically with foxhunting in mind, and she’d spent years perfecting their skills.

On the way back to the barn, Morgan asked Jesse. “So, you ready to start riding with the second flight?" People new to the sport of foxhunting stay with the second flight or with the hilltoppers, and generally stay behind the members of the first flight.

"Never."

"Your enthusiasm is overwhelming. Start thinking about it. I want you to learn the sport."

"I'm a stable hand. I work in the stable. I don't foxhunt."

"Scared?"

"Of what?"

"You might have to socialize?"

"You do enough of that for both of us." She was quiet a minute. “Of course, I might have to make an exception when Sandra rides. Well, that's not true either, since she won't actually have to leave the barn to do her riding."

The wind carried away Morgan's laughter as easily as it blew the leaves around the base of the trees. Jesse hunched down in her saddle to keep what little warmth she had from leeching away. For some reason, being cold reminded her of the dirt room, and she let her mind wander back to the cold nights spent lying on the floor while waiting for the door at the top of the stairs to open and praying that it wouldn't. "The dirt room was cold. Freezing some nights. It was pitch black, always, unless the door at the top of the stairs was open."

"How did you stay warm?" Morgan tucked her free hand up under her armpit to warm it up.

"I'd walk around the edge of the walls, do push ups if I could...sometimes I'd spend hours walking up and down the steps just to keep my blood flowing. I'd walk up, touch the door, walk back down." She reached down and rested her hand on Kanab's neck. They finished the ride in silence, and once inside the barn, they unsaddled the horses and Jesse was left to brush them and return them to their stalls, then sweep up. Morgan went to check on the hounds in sickbay, and Ryland went back to the house to do some writing on her book.

While Jesse worked, her mind wandered back to the solitude of the room that had been her prison for so long. She wasn't sure how long she'd been held there, and she didn't remember how she'd gotten away. She remembered the room was round, not square like you would expect. She could walk ten steps across the center in any direction, and if she jumped, her hand touched the ceiling. It was wood and mud, and sometimes she'd jump and scrape the ceiling just so the dirt would fall down on her and she could feel something, anything, that touched her without hurting.

"Hey, you okay?" Morgan had come in quietly while Jesse was leaning on the broom handle, lost in thought.

Jesse started. “Yeah." She moved slowly across the floor again, rhythmically pushing what little dirt there was into a pile in the middle of the floor. She remembered one time, the door at the top of the stairs opened, and no one came down. The light streamed into the room, and though the room was still darker than a moonlit night, it almost blinded her. She saw herself sitting, watching the stairs, waiting for someone to come down. Her heart raced because she knew eventually someone would come and the pain would begin over again. Her fingers found her neck, and the pulse pounded through her veins, trying to push its way through faster than was supposed to be possible.

"Jesse?"

She was sitting in the dirt, eyes focused on Morgan, who was kneeling in front of her, one hand resting on Jesse's knee.
Why is
Morgan in the room?
"Is that light too bright for you?"

Morgan glanced to where Jesse pointed. A few minutes ago, she'd watched Jesse sit down in the middle of the floor, staring vacantly. "What light?"

"Doesn't that light hurt your eyes?"

"Jesse, there's no light. Are you okay? Where are we right now?" Morgan became nervous when Jesse's expression went from inquiry to suspicion. It was definitely time to call the house. When Ryland answered, Morgan quietly said. “You need to get down here, now."

Jesse shifted. “Who are you talking to? I don't want them down here."

"I just asked Ryland to come down for a little bit." Morgan walked back over and knelt in front of her again.

Jesse watched her warily, not sure whether she could trust Morgan here in the dirt room. "Why did you leave the door open?"

"Jess, we're in the barn, and the door's closed."

The light caught her eye again, and she focused on it. A silhouette appeared on the stairs, and Jesse stood up and backed away. Morgan stood up as well and let Jesse do whatever she needed to do.

Ryland came the rest of the way through the door. She hadn't wanted to barge in quickly, not knowing exactly what the problem was. She shut the door behind her, blocking out the noonday light that was streaming through it into the barn. "It's me Jesse. It's Ryland and you're in the barn with Morgan and me." Ryland casually walked over and stood next to Morgan.

Jesse watched Ryland come into the barn, then turned her head slightly and saw Morgan back in the dirt room. She rubbed her eyes with her fingers, trying to sort things out.

"Tell me what's happening, Jess. I always fix it, don't I? Talk to me."

Jesse closed her eyes one last time and covered them with her hand. If she didn't look, maybe she wouldn't be in either place.

"Why are you covering your eyes?"

"If I don't look, I'm not there."

"Where?"

"In both places."

"What places?"

"The room with Morgan, and the barn with you."

Ryland quietly pulled Morgan back so Jesse couldn’t hear. “It would be best if you left, but I don't feel safe right now with you gone. Just go stand out of her sight, but close enough to help if I need you."

Morgan walked to the stack of hay and stood behind it where she could see Jesse, but she didn't think Jesse could see her. She watched Ryland move toward Jesse again.

"Not a problem, Jess. It's just you and me in the barn now.

When I say the word we discussed before, I want you to open your eyes and we'll both be in the barn.”

"All right."

"Cody."

Jesse carefully opened her eyes. She was standing in the barn.

She reached down and picked up the broom and swept some dirt toward her pile. "I'm going crazy, aren't I? We can't fix me, can we?"

"Just a minute, Hon."

Jesse stopped and leaned on the broom, blinking her eyes to hold back the tears that had suddenly appeared.

Ryland said, “Morgan, would you come over here please?"

Morgan stepped from behind the hay and watched Jesse's reaction.

"Where is Morgan right now, Jess?"

"In the barn." Jesse sounded disgusted with herself. "Ryland, how fucked up am I, really?"

Ryland laughed. “Fucked up enough that I want you staying at the house at night until we finish with your therapy." She smiled and put her hand on Jesse's shoulder. "You know, when you spontaneously started remembering non-threatening events while we were riding, I thought this might happen."

"What, that I'd go completely insane?"

"No. Don't you realize it means your healing is moving forward on its own now? You just had memories without pain, without fainting, without throwing up. We still have some painful sessions to go through, but you're going to be fine."

Ryland's calm reassurance helped Jesse regain her composure.

Jesse shrugged and pointed to Morgan. “
She
looks a little pale, though, don't you think?"

Morgan shook her head. “You scared the bejeezus out of me.

Don't do that." She draped her arms over Jesse's shoulders. “I am not in the dirt room, I have never been in the dirt room, and I will never go to the dirt room." She rubbed Jesse's head with her knuckles. “How do we get that into your little pea brain, you little shit?"

Ryland watched them. “Well, I'm not always around when you two are together so we need to fix something. Morgan stand over here."

Morgan walked over and stood next to Ryland.

"All right, Jess, when I tell you, I want you to close your eyes and put yourself into the dirt room. When you hear Morgan say
Cody
, you'll come back into the present."

Jesse closed her eyes.

"Put yourself in the room." Ryland took Morgan's arm and moved her directly in Jesse's line of sight, then stepped to the side.

"Now, open your eyes."

Jesse blinked. It was dark in the room again, but she was able to make out Morgan standing in front of her.

"Cody."

The barn came back into focus. Jesse smiled at Morgan, who smiled back.

Ryland walked out from behind Jesse. “Tada! You're cured."

Jesse picked up the broom again. “I wish it was that easy."

Ryland nodded. “Me too. For right now, I'd rather you'd do your remembering when I'm with you. If you start to remember, think of something else and come find me. And tonight, you're eating dinner with us and sleeping at the house."

Chapter Twenty-Five

Cody’s father slammed his fist onto the dinner table. “You’re not in school, and you’re not looking for a new job! You’re laying around
my
house, doing nothing! You never did explain how the hell you managed to get yourself fired! I told you, you lose this job, you’re not laying around my house playing your damn video games all day!”

Cody slumped down in his chair. “It wasn’t
my
fault, Dad.

Morgan just decided to side with her baby dyke, that’s all. It was me or her. All dykes hate men, Dad. It’s just the way she is.”

“I’ve known Morgan Davis for more than twenty five years, and I’m telling you, you won’t find anyone as honest or as fair as she is. She’s the only friend I have who was willing to take a chance on you and give you a job. And dyke is a filthy word—I won’t have you referring to her that way in my home. She’s a good woman and I don’t care who she chooses to live with.” Cody’s mother set a bowl of mashed potatoes on the table and stirred some butter in with a long-handled spoon. “It’s unnatural is what it is, Everett, and I’m glad Cody’s out of there. We should never have let her kind into the county. Her way’s evil. She belongs with the devil.” She angrily dumped a spoonful of potatoes onto her husband’s plate before pulling out her chair and heaving her three hundred fifty pounds onto the seat. “She hasn’t set foot in God’s house in at least fifteen years.”

Everett scoffed at his wife’s comments as he stabbed a piece of ham with his fork. “She’s lived in this county longer than either of us, Lana. And can you blame her for not coming to church, the way you and your friends shun her and Ryland at every social event they’ve ever attended?”

Lana carefully cut her ham into tiny pieces while she spoke.

“That new hired hand has an evil look about her, too. She’s the reason Morgan fired Cody.” She looked at her son. “Tell him, Cody. Tell him about the sheriff’s accusation, all because of that

—” She pursed her lips, causing her nostrils to flair and the color in her face to rise while she tried to come up with just the right epithet for Jesse. “That
lesbian
!” Cody turned to his father, a fork full of mashed potatoes halfway to his mouth. “You should see it, Dad. She’s up at the house every day at one o’clock havin’ sex with—“ Everett stood up so quickly his chair tumbled backwards onto the linoleum. “
Enough!
”

Cody and Lana sat in shocked silence. Neither of them had ever seen this side of Everett.

Everett towered over Cody, pointing one meaty finger at him.

“Tomorrow, either you find a job or you’ll come home to find everything you own out on the lawn.” He threw his napkin onto his plate and stalked out of the room.

Lana picked up a bowl of tossed salad and passed it to Cody.

“No you won’t, Dear. I’m glad you’re away from there. I’ll talk to my friends and see if any of their husbands has a job you can do.

You’re a bright boy, Cody. Anyone would be lucky to get you.” The two of them ate in silence for a short time, each wondering how to discuss exactly what was on their minds.

Cody finally made a stab at it. “Why’s he siding with Morgan, Mom? I’m his son. What is she to him?”

Fire sparked in Lana’s eyes as she answered. “I believe Satan tempts everyone, including your father. Who knows what form that temptation takes?” She secretly felt the rolls of fat on her legs as she pretended to smooth the wrinkles out of her skirt. She’d gained two hundred pounds since her wedding day, and her husband hadn’t touched her in more years than she cared to count.

“You think Dad and Morgan….” Cody’s voice trailed off as he thought about what his mother had just said.

Lana daintily brought a spoonful of mashed potatoes to her lips as she glanced up at her son. “Not necessarily Morgan.” She put the spoon in her mouth and pulled it out slowly as she held her son’s gaze.

“
Ryland?
” Cody had never even thought of that possibility.

His stomach churned as he listened to his mother talk about what his father might have done with the women who’d made a fool of him.

“She’s beautiful, feminine, and intelligent—everything your father admires in a woman. Don’t be naïve, Cody. Evil can be very tempting at times, and it can take many different guises.” Cody pushed away from the table. “I don’t know about Satan and all that other religious crap, but I do know one thing: they won’t get away with what they did to me.” He held his mother’s eyes. “Or with what they’re doing to you.” He stormed out through the kitchen door and down the steps to the back of the house.

A smile played across Lana’s lips as she watched the door swing shut behind him.

Cody thought back to all the times he’d seen his father with Morgan and Ryland, and his blood boiled. All those times he thought his father had come to the farm to see him work, bring him lunch or just stop in to say hi when he was driving by, he was really there to see them.