Authors: Dawn Chandler
It had all changed the moment she had married Peter. It was not fair to him that his wife was not the woman he wanted her to be. Her heart clenched tightly and swelled into her throat, threatening to push tears ahead of it. She swallowed hard and shoved them away.
She wandered for some time before finding her way back to her bed.
Amy awoke her sometime later, changed her bandages, and assisted her to dress. She instructed Amy to turn her into a lady. Amy just looked at her dumbfounded. When she nodded at her, Amy set to work without another word until she had finished.
Van stepped in front of the mirror and Amy stood beside her. “You look elegant, my lady.”
Van’s hair was coiled high upon her head, instead of hanging down her back with only a brushing to prepare it for the day as she usually wore it. She was gowned in a soft blue silky dress that slid across her skin with a cool slithery feel that made her think of a snake wrapping around her body.
She had suffered through the lacy chemise that itched at her body and the uncomfortable kid slippers, now without the leather sole as was proper. She stared at the woman staring back at her and wondered who she was.
Her mind was empty and her soul had curled into a tight ball in her stomach, causing it to cramp and ache.
Amy questioned her mood and her health. Van shook her head to both without speaking. Amy walked with her to the dining hall, but Van ignored her presence the best she could.
She only wanted to sleep and hope that all this would all be gone when she awoke.
Several whispers made it to her ears as she stopped outside the dining hall doors. They spoke of Peter going to see his mistress and that Rebeka had not stayed where Van had sent her.
The room fell silent as she walked in. She walked to her seat and hoped she did not look too disappointed that Peter’s seat was empty.
She had been terrified of what she would have to endure when she arrived in the hall, but the silence was more than she could handle.
She forced her head up and walked to the head table. She heard a soft gasp and turned toward the door.
Peter stood staring at her. He was dressed in rumpled clothing and appeared to have just gotten off a fast moving horse, his hair standing on end in places and wind whipped in others.
He continued into the room, stopping beside her. He kept his gaze fixed on the table and waited silently for her to take her seat.
She wanted to scream. Scream for him to acknowledge that she was there, for him to speak to her. She gracefully took her seat without a word. Her numb mind knew it was what she deserved for betraying him the way she had, but it still hurt.
Head hanging and shoulders slouched to hide her height, she sat beside her husband and ignored his constant looks at her face, hair, and dress. She probably should not be wearing the makeup, as he had asked her not to, but that was before. Now she thought it was best to hide the last of the knight.
She tried to shove him from her heart, but without the knight, she felt empty and lost.
Supper was awkward and silent. Van knew it would stay that way as long as she was there.
She hated the way everyone was looking at her, the way they talked behind their hands as if she did not know they were speaking of her.
Tears clogged in her throat and she fought with the guilt of knowing it was her fault that the men were uncomfortable.
Looking up at Richard, she thought to begin a conversation that might break some of the tension.
Before she could speak Richard looked pained and broke eye contact.
Richard could not bring himself to look at her. It tore at his heart. All he could see when he did were the things he had done to her.
He had been cruel and treated her like no woman should have been treated. He did not understand what had brought her to be who she was, but more, he could not understand how she could not be disgusted with him. He was disgusted with himself.
She should hate him, yet she didn’t. The speech she had given him before going to her mother had spoken in volumes of love and caring. Even after what he had done to her.
Her love was too much for his self-hatred to endure.
He looked up to tell her how sorry he was for all he had put her through, but all he saw was her retreating form as she walked from the hall. He looked down and the food from her side of the trencher she shared with Peter had been left untouched.
***
Amy watched Van’s slouched form retreat from her table and got up to follow. She entered Peter’s chambers to see Van standing in the center of the room, staring at the large bed. “Why are you doing this?” When Van did not answer her Amy tried again. “Van—”
“
Vanessa. Lady Vanessa.” It was a tired and empty voice.
“
Vanessa?” Amy knew she hated that name. She had been adamant about it. “I am worried about you, milady. You do not seem the same today.”
“
I am not. I am who I am supposed to be now. I should never have been the other.” Her back trembled as she took in a deep breath. She walked to the bed and stopped at the foot of it. Her hand reached out to smooth a wrinkle on Peter’s side. “I cannot be him anymore. Now I am just me.”
“
Just you? If this is who you are supposed to be, than why is it so easy for you to be the knight and so hard for you to be the lady?” Amy drew away from the empty look that Van turned on her.
She looked lost. Depression and hopelessness pained her dark eyes. It was a look Amy had never seen on her. She seemed to have given up. Instead of the arrogance and pride that usually filled her, she seemed dispirited.
Van looked back at the bed.
“
You cannot be something you are not,” Amy declared. “If you were not supposed to be him, you would not have taken to it so well. You would not have enjoyed all the things you did.” She jumped as Van slammed her fist into the foot board. Her blow shook the bed and ran through the room.
“
Take Joseph and put him in with you or in the nursery, and tell Peter that I have moved back into my chambers. He can come to his.”
Before Amy could say anything Van disappeared into her chambers and the door between the two rooms closed. She rushed out to find Peter.
When she found him lying asleep in a chair in the library she began to cry.
Opening his eyes he looked confused at first as to where he was. “Aye?”
“
I did not mean to wake you, milord, but Lady Vanessa sent me to tell you she has retired to her own chambers so that you do not have to hide in the library. Or to wherever it is that you went all of last night.” Without waiting, for a response she fled from the room. Van had not said those things and she should not have either, but they had slipped out. Angry and powerless to help her friend, she didn’t know what else to do.
Peter stared, jaw slacked as she turned and fled the room. The door slammed, ringing through his head.
He shook his head, trying to bring his sleep and brandy laced mind around what it was she had told him.
Hiding?
He was not hiding. Not now and not last night.
Was he?
CHAPTER 26
Morning came as it always did, but Van found it difficult to rise with it. Her face felt flushed and her arm throbbed more than it had the day it was injured. She closed her eyes and considered going back to sleep.
She did not want to rise, did not want to face the people of Grayweist, but mostly she did not want to face herself.
She opened her eyes and groaned as Amy crossed her mind. She didn’t want to worry her, and more she did not want to listen to a lecture or to answer any questions.
She swung her legs over the side of the bed and a wave of nausea washed over her. She had a momentary fear that her stomach would relieve itself onto the floor between her feet.
When her stomach stopped rolling, she pushed herself to a standing position, her injured arm nearly giving out on her. She grunted in pain and cradled it across her stomach.
She dreaded changing the dressing, knowing it would be infected. She wobbled slowly to the night table and peeled her bandage off. The wound beneath was red and angry, the flesh around the cut was puffy and clear liquid seeped from between the stitches.
She hadn’t anticipated this complication on top of everything else. It had been two days since the injury and it had been kept clean. Of course she had eaten nothing since then and her sleep had been anything but restful.
She hurriedly dressed, fixed her hair, and her face. She walked to the door, opening it just as Amy reached for it.
Amy looked up startled. “My lady, I was coming to help you prepare for your day.” She looked at the injured arm and reached her hand toward it.
Van stepped back. “I am fine.” She ignored the worried look Amy gave her and walked away.
She made her way to the garden where she sat on a long marble bench and stared absently at all the work she had accomplished. The gardens were once more as beautiful as they had been when she was a page here.
Her stomach rolled in protest when her mind tried to dredge up memories of her time here. She pushed them away quickly knowing they would only lead to memories of her time as a knight.
“
Dark Lady, can I talk to you?” Joseph’s small, cautious voice pulled her from the past and from dangerous thoughts that would only lead to more heartache.
“
Of course. Sit by me.” She patted the bench beside her. She had come to love the young boy in the short time she had known him, and she did not like the concern she saw in his face, or the fear.
He looked at her expectantly. “Are you truly the one they call the Dark Knight?”
“
Not anymore, but aye once I was. Are you scared of me?” She knew she would fall apart if he said yes. It was something she could not take. She was holding on to her sanity by the barest of threads and was sure it would send her over the edge.
“
Scared for you, but not of you.” He shrugged and looked up at her timidly. “I want to know if you will go back to battle.” Tears began to stream down his face. “Will you leave me like my mother did? You are all I have now, milady.”
She pulled his trembling frame into her arms, ignoring the shooting pain that went through her. “Nay, I will no longer be a knight. Now I am just...” She took a deep breath, feeling the pain and loss. “I am just Lady Vanessa.”
“
You are not happy about that.” His voice was sure. “Why?”
“
You head back to the castle and find Amy.” She was fighting lethargy as her mind began to numb. It was the only way she found she could deal with her new personality. What did regular women think about? What did they fill their day with?
He grasped her hand and held tight. “Are you going to be all right?”
She pulled her hand away. “Just go.” It came out as a gruff whisper, more icily than she had intended, but she did not look up as he left.
Not knowing what else to do with her time, she went back to her room. Too tired to do anything else, she fell atop the covers and allowed sleep to take her into its serene darkness.
The cool peace of sleep that she longed for did not take her. She fell into a pit of dark dreams, images of silks and laces smothering her, strangling the life from her. She fought against the confines of the silky materials, but they soon consumed her.
***
Amy sat with Anna and the two of them discussed the fragile mental health of their lady. Amy looked up startled as Joseph, tears running down his dirt-streaked face, came bursting into the room.
He did not wait for anyone to speak to him but began to blurt out the conversation he had had with Van and of the sadness on her face. “She would hardly look at me. Is she mad at me?”
“
Nay, honey bear,” Amy told him. “She is just having a hard time right now. She will be all right.” She wasn’t so sure, however, she was relieved that her voice sounded more confident that she did. At least it made him stop crying.
“
Are you sure?” Anna asked, her voice weak and troubled. “She did not even come to see me this morning. I saw her before bed last night. She did not look good, but at least she was speaking to us.”
Amy tried to smile in reassurance, but it sat wrong on her face and she allowed it to slip away. She was worried about Van as well. “You two stay here and I will go get her. She will be fine.” She patted Anna’s arm and Joseph lightly on the head and rushed from the room.
Not finding her in the garden, Amy rushed up the stairs to her chambers. The door was locked. She knocked lightly not sure if she would get an answer.
“
I need my rest. I will be fine.” Van’s voice trembled and Amy had to lean against the door to hear her. “Just let me be.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks and she resisted the urge to bang on the door until Van let her in. She could feel Van slipping away and knew if something was not done and soon it would be too late.
She slipped from the castle and raced for the training fields where she knew she would find the help she needed.
She slid to a stop far enough away to be out of danger, but close enough for the men to see her. She heaved for breath and pressed her hand into the stitch that had started in her side.