“Dry spell?” Ariana laughed.
“Not for long.” Noelle smirked, heading for the door. She opened it and stepped into the hall. Billings was unusually quiet for a Sunday afternoon; most of the girls were probably still sleeping off hangovers from the night before.
“Oh, and Ariana?” Noelle called over her shoulder.
“Hmmm?” Ariana turned her head toward the door.
“Only an idiot would pass up a Daniel Ryan for a Thomas Pearson. That’s obvious to the world, right?” Her dark eyes flashed.
Ariana’s heart rose in her throat. She sat up quickly, banging her head on the headboard. “What? Noelle, I don’t—”
But the slam of the door sliced through her voice. Ariana threw her pillow in frustration.
How did Noelle
always
know?
“Something more, something more, something more,” Ariana whispered to herself, staring up at the darkened ceiling from the comfort of her bed.
She hadn’t moved in hours. Had just lain there obsessing about her unwritten paper. There was no way she was going to be able to sleep until she had some kind of breakthrough. Luckily, Noelle was still with Dash, so there was no one around to hear her talking to herself. Then, suddenly, her cell phone buzzed and she grabbed it, more than happy to let whoever was calling get her out of her head. The second she saw the name on the caller ID, her heart seized. It was already eleven o’clock. No good news came this late.
“Mom!” She sat up, propping a pillow behind her head. “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“Hi, baby.” On the other end of the line, her mom sounded far away, lost. Empty. “Just wanted to hear your voice, that’s all. How’s my angel?”
“I’m great, Mom. Fine.” A lump rose in Ariana’s throat even as relief washed through her. Her mom was okay. She sounded medicated, but okay. Ariana swallowed fiercely. “How are you? Where are you?”
“I’m still here, but I’m going home soon. I just signed all the paperwork a few minutes ago, so they should be letting me out in at least seventy-two hours.” She laughed weakly. “Things take forever around here.”
“I know, Mom.” Ariana hated it when her mother called. She loved talking to her, loved telling her everything that was happening with classes and teachers and friends, but still, she hated the calls. Her mother always sounded so fragile, so weak, as if one wrong word, one wrong intonation, would break her. And Ariana knew—dreaded, really—that the time would come when she wouldn’t be able to fix her anymore.
“So, sweet girl, tell me everything. How is Billings House?” For a brief moment, Ariana heard something in her mother’s voice lift. She heard hope. Hope, and the sound of a doctor being paged in the background.
“Good, Mom. Really great.” Ariana searched her mind for something to tell her mother that would make her happy. She had a feeling that her recent existential crisis concerning the loss of her virginity wasn’t that something. “And things are going great with Daniel. We’re leaving on Tuesday for Vermont.”
“That’s right!”
Ariana could hear the unfamiliar sound of a smile in her mother’s voice. She rolled over to her side, glancing back at the photo of the
two of them, and the tears surfaced again. The white Christmas lights around her window blurred together.
“The lodge where we’re staying is supposed to be really incredible,” Ariana said, letting a single tear slip down her cheek. “Apparently the vice president stays there every year.” She couldn’t believe she was regurgitating the same boring stories Daniel had lulled the entire table to sleep with the night before. But she knew that these stories were exactly the kinds of stories that her mother lived for.
“Oh, you’re going to have such a fabulous time. Be sure to tell Daniel I said hello. And Dr. and Mrs. Ryan. Be sure to give them my best as well.”
“I will, Mom.” Ariana closed her eyes and forced her voice to stay steady. “But I’m going to miss coming home this year. Are you sure you don’t want me to change my plans and fly down to Atlanta?”
“No, no,” her mother said, too quickly. “Don’t be ridiculous. You go with Daniel. I want you to go. You know I’ve always liked him so much.” She paused. “I’m so proud of you, Ariana. So happy for you. You have everything I’ve always wanted you to have . . . everything I didn’t get to have.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to be alone.” Ariana bit her lip. “Promise you’ll call me if you need anything? I don’t know how great my cell service will be in the mountains, but—”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake, Ariana, I’ll be fine!” Her laugh was strained. There was a brief pause and the sound of muffled voices. “I have to get off the phone now,” she said. “I’ll talk to you soon, sweetheart.”
“Okay. Love you, Mom. And congratulations on going home. Wish I could be there with you to celebrate.”
“Love you too, baby.”
Her eyes still closed, Ariana held the phone to her ear long after the line went dead.
“How is it always colder in here than it is outside?” Ariana murmured as she followed Paige, Isobel, and Noelle through the arched doors of Easton’s chapel the next morning. A shiver ran down her spine, and she tightened the sash on her white wool coat. Growing up in Georgia, she had never experienced the kind of cold that dominated the school year in Connecticut. It was a biting, relentless cold that seeped straight through to the bone and held on tight. No matter how many scarves and hats and coats Ariana acquired, she had yet to find a way to protect herself from it.
“I don’t have time for this,” Paige snapped. “My Louis Vuittons aren’t going to pack themselves.”
“Don’t worry. It should be a short one,” Isobel assured Paige, shaking out her glossy black hair after removing her wool slouch hat. “You’ll be back to Louis before he has time to miss you.”
Headmaster Cox had called the special morning assembly to
discuss campus protocol during winter break. Unlike Paige, Ariana was grateful for the distraction. She needed a break from looking at her blank laptop screen and worrying about her mom. Her mom, who would be home alone in just a matter of hours.
It was dark inside the chapel, thanks to the stained glass, which let in only a smidgen of the gray sky outside. The lamps that flickered around the lectern were the only sources of light in the room. Ariana hugged herself as she followed Noelle to the junior pews near the center of the chapel, parting ways with Isobel and Paige, who, as seniors and Billings Girls, took seats of privilege in the very last row. Easton was riddled with such small reminders of rank. Rituals that kept everything, everyone, in the appropriate place. Ariana slid into a seat next to two other Billings Girls in her class, Leanne Shore and Natasha Crenshaw, shooting them both a quick smile of greeting.
“Here. Take these,” Noelle said, handing over her wool-and-cashmere gloves as Ariana blew on her hands. “Your fingers are turning purple.”
“Thanks,” Ariana said. She felt ten times better as she pulled the gloves on. It was nice, the way Noelle was always taking care of her. “All I want for Christmas is a good pair of gloves,” she joked.
“I’ll be sure to tell Daniel that. Nothing says romance like a big old pair of wool mittens.” Noelle rolled her eyes.
“Attention, students.” The chapel went deathly silent as Headmaster Cox spoke into the microphone at the lectern. His voice echoed around the chapel, bouncing from the rafters to the stained
glass. “Welcome. My remarks will be brief, but they are important, and I suggest you pay close attention.”
A loud snore sounded on the other side of the chapel, and Gage Coolidge slid down in his pew before any of the teachers had the chance to catch him. A few snickers rose up around him. Either Headmaster Cox didn’t hear the boys’ laughter, or he didn’t care enough to acknowledge it. Ariana glanced across the aisle and saw Thomas giving Gage a silent high five. Mature. As always.
Seeing Thomas now in the light of day, messing around with Gage, Ariana was proud to realize that she felt absolutely nothing at all. No spark, no blush, no warmth. Perhaps it had just been the atmosphere, the few swallows of champagne she had indulged in. A moment of temporary insanity. Everyone had those, right?
“As you are all aware, Easton Academy’s campus will be closed beginning at precisely six o’clock tomorrow evening,” Headmaster Cox continued. Shadowy light from the lanterns played across the dean’s partially bald head, almost as if a bunch of kids were making shadow puppets against it. “Six o’clock sharp. The only exceptions to this rule are the students who have already received my permission to be on campus. Those students, and those students alone, will stay in Drake for the duration of break. No other dormitories will be open to students during this time.” Everyone knew that Headmaster Cox was talking about Easton’s exchange students. They always stayed together over breaks and holidays, since it was usually too far for them to travel home. “The cost of heating each of the dormitories is too great, considering the relatively small number of students on campus.”
“So all those thousands they extort from our parents for tuition can’t pay the bills, huh?” Natasha whispered. She only briefly looked up from the
New York Times
crossword she was doing—in pen. Last month she’d announced that she was going to do this every day until she completed one all on her own.
“No luck yet?” Ariana whispered.
“Not for lack of working my ass off on it,” Natasha joked in response, her dark eyes smiling as she filled in number twenty-four across. Then Leanne gave Ariana an unwarranted look of death and Ariana faced forward again. The two were roommates and best friends, but Ariana always thought that Leanne was a little bit too possessive when it came to Natasha.
Feeling frozen out of any further conversation, Ariana unwillingly let her mind drift back to the talk she’d had with her mother. Part of her was happy for her mom, happy that she could finally get away from the blank white walls, the cold nurses, and the restricted visiting hours. Happy that she could finally go home. But part of her knew that her mom wasn’t ready. And Ariana couldn’t go through it again. Couldn’t come home to an eerily silent house. Couldn’t call for her mother and hear the sound of her own voice echo in the soaring entrance hall. Couldn’t run up the stairs, down the long hallway into the bedroom, and find—
“I repeat.” Headmaster Cox’s voice boomed throughout the chapel, and Ariana snapped to attention, her chest heaving, heart pounding.
No. Stop.
She had to stop torturing herself. It had been over two years ago, and still the images flashed in her mind as clearly as if it were
happening all over again. “Any student who is found to be in violation of these rules will face immediate expulsion.”
A fresh wave of silence swept over the student body. Headmaster Cox was not one to make idle threats. Ariana willed herself to breathe.
In . . . two . . . three . . .
Mom is fine. She’s fine. She’s going to be fine.
Out . . . two . . . three . . .
It’s not going to happen again. You don’t have to worry.
In . . . two . . . three . . .
It’s over. It’s all over. Just calm down. Calm . . .
From the corner of her eye, she caught Noelle glancing quizzically in her direction. Ariana resumed a normal breathing cadence, but she wasn’t sure how long it would last. She needed air. Real air. It was too cramped in these pews.
“This includes any student who is caught on campus without the requisite paperwork, and any student who attempts to enter a dormitory other than Drake,” Headmaster Cox clarified. “There are no exceptions. None.” He paused for effect, gazing down with authority at the students seated in front of him.
Suddenly Ariana saw the face of the EMT as clear as day. The one who had been hovering over her when she awoke from shock.
I have to get out of here.
Now.
“That is all. You are dismissed.”
The noise level rose in the chapel before the headmaster had the chance to step away from the microphone. Students crammed
together and rushed for the chapel doors, filling the center aisle. Dizziness overwhelmed Ariana as she jumped to her feet. She shoved past a group of sophomore girls and ignored Noelle’s calls. She couldn’t stop the thoughts of her mother, thoughts of that awful day, from flooding her mind, from suffocating her. Finally she reached the doors and stumbled under the archway, gulping in the sharp winter air. She leaned against the intricate stonework and closed her eyes, trying to distance herself from the students around her and her own thoughts, all at once. Trying to escape.
“Hey, naughty girl.” A familiar voice oozing with confidence rose above the noise around her. She opened her eyes and saw Thomas standing in worn jeans and a thin gray T-shirt. Snowflakes fell around him, but he wore no coat. Nothing to guard against the weather except for a tattered brown cap. Still, he didn’t seem to notice the cold.
Her heart flipped.
Dammit. So much for that.
Apparently it had been the distance between them that had kept her body from reacting to him in the chapel.
“What?” Ariana asked, her face growing warm.
Thomas smirked. “I know you said you were a good girl, but that thigh-graze proved otherwise. Hence, the new name.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ariana pursed her lips in disapproval, her voice low. “I was drunk. So I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t call me that.” She pushed away from the wall and headed around the side of the chapel toward the academic buildings.
“Like you don’t
love
the idea of me having a special name for you,” Thomas said, following after her.
Ariana whirled on him. “I don’t. Just leave me alone,” she snapped.
Thomas held up his hands for a brief moment, but then fell into step with her, a maddening grin spreading over his face. “I don’t think you were drunk. And I don’t think it was a mistake.” Against the backdrop of the heavy gray skies, his blue eyes seemed to glow. He pushed back the long bangs that spilled over his forehead.
Ariana looked away, fixing her gaze straight ahead. “It doesn’t matter what you think,” she said in what she hoped was a light tone.