The Column Racer (19 page)

“Yes,” said Areli, “I think about them a lot actually.”

“Them?”

“Well, two in particular,” said Areli, her cheeks searing with heat.

“Only two?” said Fides with a raised eyebrow, “from what I’ve heard you have plenty of suitors.”

“And what exactly have you heard?”

“Well,” started Fides with a playful smile, “I’ve heard that Brynn has a thing for you. And Finn too. As well as every single boy in school drooling to have a column racer as a girlfriend.”

“First of all – Brynn – gross. And Finn – he’s nice, but . . .”

“You don’t have those kind of feelings for him?” Areli nodded her head. “And the other boys in school?” Areli gave Fides a look that told her to drop it. Fides couldn’t help but laugh.

“How about you?” Areli was desperate to change the focus of the conversation. “The greatest column racer in the world must have every boy in the world flaunting over her!” Fides rested her head next to Areli.

“No . . . actually. I think everyone thinks I’m a bitch.” They both broke out in laughter, but as they lay there longer, seriousness took over the room. “However . . . there is one in particular.” They laid there in silence. Each split between thoughts wondering what the other was thinking and thinking about the ones that stole their breaths away. “May I ask who’s yours?” asked Fides, “your two lovers.” They laughed again. But then Areli felt like a giant animal was sitting on her chest, suffocating her. And her heart seemed to be counting the number of stars that could fill a night sky, as fast as it could.

“There was this boy,” said Areli, “back in Oroin. It didn’t work out though.”

“You decided against the whole long distance thing?” asked Fides.

“I didn’t,” said Areli, sullenly, “but he did.” Silence filled the room again.

“I’m sorry,” said Fides grabbing her friend’s hand, “you’re better than him, Areli. You truly are.” Areli wiped a stray tear that rolled away from her eyes. “But what about the other boy? What’s he like? And don’t you dare tell me he’s from Sector D! I know by now you must have met someone from Abhi that you like.”

“He’s different,” said Areli with a slight grin, “I mean he’s attractive.”

“So the one in Oroin wasn’t attractive?”

“No . . . he was. Believe me . . . he was. He was gorgeous.” Areli couldn’t believe she used that word to describe Talon.

“And . . .”

“It’s just that . . . this is going to sound weird. I loved him, Fidelja. I mean we weren’t dating or anything, but we knew each other . . . you know. I always felt oddly excited yet comfortable at the same time. This one. The one here. We don’t have that.”

“What his name?” asked Fides sounding distracted.

“Yats,” said Areli, raising her eyebrows as she did. Wondering if it was a mistake to let the name leave her lips.

“NO WAY! He’s in my array,” said Fides, coming back fully into the conversation, “we actually have chemistry together. I could talk to him if you like.”

“NO! Absolutely not, Fides,” said Areli.

“Why not?” asked Fides, “this way we can see if he likes you as well.”

“Oh, he likes me.”

“Really? And how do you know.”

“I just know.”

“Areli,
I just know
is not an answer.”

“It’s how he looks at me,” said Areli, “I can see it in his eyes.”

“So then what’s the problem? He likes you. You like him. Oh . . .” Fides slapped herself on the forehead. “It’s Oroin boy, isn’t it.”

“It’s not him. He doesn’t love me. Not the way I love him at least.”

“Then what is it?”

“I think I’m scared. I’m scared of being broken again. I’m
scared
of having to cry myself to sleep. I’m scared of wanting something so badly and then having it ripped away from me. I’m scared of my heart feeling like a vase that fell to floor. I’m scared, Fides. Love terrifies me.
It terrifies me.
Not the possibility of finding it. But the possibility of it not working out.” Silence entered once again into their conversation. Areli turned to Fides as her friend had started to cry.

“Fides, what’s wrong?”

“It’s Amer!” cried Fides.

“Yats friend? What about him? Did he do something to you?”

“He doesn’t even know I exist,” choked out Fides, Areli wrapped her arms around her friend, her mind comprehending that Amer was Fides one in particular, “I mean, he did at one time, but now, but now he makes it out like everything we went through was nothing.” Areli held her, just held her.

“We were best friends once,” said Fides, “our rooms in the untested section were next to one another’s, after we . . . after I was placed in the townhouses, he stopped talking to me. He gave up on me, Areli. Abandoned me.” Areli kept her arms placed around Fides and thought about her past encounters with Amer. He was fierce and cold. She didn’t understand how Fides would want someone like that.

“He doesn’t deserve you,” said Areli softly, trying to cheer her friend up, “like the boy in Oroin for me. We’re better than them, Fides. They’re just cowards who can’t admit their feelings.”

“Then there’s a problem,” said Fides, tears still coming out, “because he’s the only one I can ever see myself with.” Areli kept her arms soft, and laid there next to Fides the entire night, contemplating if she could ever want another like she wanted Talon.

Near the end of the week, which was just before the week of the Sorting Competition, Fides told Areli she arranged for them to have dinner in the arena. In the locker room, and during school, Fides gave Areli knowing smiles. All day, they would exchange gestures of eating food and then look away. Areli would have asked Fides how she was able to arrange such a thing, but she knew that it had to have been a favor granted to Fides father by the Emperor.

Areli’s carriage brought her to the arena, and a guard waited outside to usher her in. The walls were dark, glowing with lanterns, and the floors were an elegant mixture of marble. Her heels tapped against the floor as she searched for the right section. When she found the corresponding letters and numbers that matched up to the sheet of parchment given to her by Fides, Areli entered into the sparsely lit tunnel that led to the benches of the coliseum. The enormity of it grabbed the air straight from her lungs.
So this is how the spectators see us
, thought Areli. She spotted the glow of candles coming off one of the seats and hurried down to it. But Fides wasn’t there. There were two plates, silverware wrapped in red silk napkins, and two gold glasses, but no Fides. Areli took a seat next to one of the plates and stared out into the arena.
Typical, Fides
, thought Areli, even though her friend wasn’t one to be late or one to stand her up. That’s something she usually associated with boys.

She heard shoes walk down the steps toward her. Areli forced herself not to look, hoping to convey she was hurt that she was the first one to get there. The footsteps were just near her.

“It’s about
time
you got here!” said Areli turning around expecting Fides. But it wasn’t Fides. It was Yats.

Areli didn’t know what to say. What to do. She looked up towards the top of the steps expecting that Fides might come down any moment, but no one was there. She wrapped her arms around herself and looked down at the ground.

“Hey,” said Yats. She couldn’t look into his eyes. She couldn’t, she just couldn’t. Too late. She shouldn’t have looked. Those same feelings that she had with Talon rushed back to her, the feelings she wished she could crush. Maybe she could love someone other than Talon. Her heart pounded. Her lungs shrunk.
This isn’t Talon
, she reminded herself,
this is Yats.
“Have you seen Fides?” Yats looked up the steps as a small outpouring of servants walked down with platters of food. He seemed puzzled. “Are you meeting someone here?”

“Something like that?”

“I’m jealous,” said Yats, as the servants made a circle around them, carrying a platter in one hand and a lantern in the other. He looked back at Areli. She could feel her heart struggling to make a single beat as she looked back into his eyes. Why is she feeling like this?
Talon doesn’t love you, Areli
, she told herself,
but Yats might. He might fall in love with you. He just might. It’s okay . . . these feelings. You don’t owe Talon anything. But you owe it to yourself to give Yats a chance.

“Is this . . . is this for you and me?”

“I don’t really know,” said Areli, her breaths running away from her, “maybe.” Yats rubbed his chin, and then gave a laugh. Which seemed to relax the tension in Areli. He put his hands on his hips, admired the scene, and then took his place opposite Areli. His smile was contagious.
Give him a chance, Areli. Just give him a chance
.

Areli had asked her mother what it was like when she first had a date with her father. She had told her that it was as if the world were built for only two. That Areli’s father’s eyes were the only other eyes, his lips were the only other lips, his touch . . . Areli had to stop her mother there.

Here in this moment, Areli tried to get lost in what her mother talked about. It wasn’t with the one she might have truly wanted. But at least it was with someone . . . someone that wanted her. She tried to picture this beautiful world for them. A world built for two.
Talon will never be in this world, Arel
i, she told herself,
he won’t share this with you. You tried. But he didn’t want to. Yats is here, Areli. Talon is never coming for you. Yats is here.
She really didn’t even realize Yats motioning servants forward with the platters to dish plates. Yats would ask if there was something she wanted. Areli couldn’t speak, but nodded or shook her head. With full plates, they clanked glasses.

“To us,” said Yats, “a wonderful season for each.” And then they started to eat. Well, Yats ate. Areli just poked at her food. She kept her eyes from straying away from him, wondering if he was the one. She had feelings for Yats. Intense feelings. But they didn’t come close to the ones she had for Talon. Maybe this was how love would be for her. Intense, but not overly intense. Passionate, but not excessively so. She would look away whenever he shifted his eyes onto her. The third time it happened, they both broke out into light laughter.

“You can stare,” said Yats.

“I wasn’t staring!”

“I caught you!” exclaimed Yats with a wide smile, “like three times now.”

“Like I said,” said Areli teasingly, “I wasn’t staring, but just watching how you eat your food. Wondering if I’m going to have to save you or not.” Yats almost lost the chicken he was chewing on.

“I know,” said Yats, “but you caught me at a terrible time. After practice I’m sure I would eat a hole through a stone wall if someone told me there was food stuffed in there.”

“I don’t know,” said Areli, “would your teeth be able to handle that?”

“I guess there’s only one way to find out,” said Yats, “do you think there are stone fillets on any of those platters?”

“I think that’s only a seasonal thing.”

“What season is that again?”

“I am sure I heard somewhere that stone is a summer delicacy – it goes great with the strawberry sauce.” Yats laughed and looked at Areli with affection in his eyes.
This is good, Areli
, she thought,
this can work. It will work.

The rest of the evening went smoothly. Light and airy conversation throughout. After the plates were cleared, Areli didn’t know if they had to leave. She would let Yats make the decision for her. He dismissed the servants, leaving them alone in the arena, with the only lights coming from the stars.

“They’re beautiful, aren’t they,” said Yats, looking up at the stars. Areli forced herself to pull her eyes off him and admire what he was looking at. She still had her doubts about him, questioning if she would ever love him like she loved Talon. She looked up at the stars, grateful for the diversion. Something to free her mind from Yats, and from Talon. She had always loved looking at the stars. She spent her childhood looking at them. She breathed a wish upwards, towards them, and hoped that they would grant it to her.

“I can think of only one other thing more beautiful,” said Yats, directing his gaze towards Areli. He gently slipped his fingers into hers. She looked at him, her heart pushing and bringing in blood with such force and speed she was sure her lungs wouldn’t be able to keep up. He leaned in. She closed her eyes. Their lips touched. And Areli felt like she had slipped into the night, floating amongst the stars. Weightless. Her breath gone. Her heart no longer hers.
Talon
, she thought. Yats released his lips. Areli reddened with guilt and embarrassment. Was this how love was going to be for her?

“It’s you, Areli,” whispered Yats, so that the words danced on her lips, words she wished Talon would have told her, “you’re that one thing. I knew it the first day I saw you.” She pulled him to her, focusing with all her might on Yats.
Talon will never come for you, Areli,
she scolded herself,
but Yats will. You can love him. You will love him. You will make it work. You’ll love him more than you ever loved Talon. Just give him a chance
.

When she returned home, she was quick to find solace in her bed. How is she to ever love Yats, if she was still in love with Talon?