The Color of a Dream (5 page)

I felt guilty when I said good-bye to him at
the airport, outside the entrance to security. Since the family
dinner on Christmas Day—when I’d accused him of flirting with my
girlfriend—nothing had been the same between us. A wedge had come
down like a meat cleaver that night and we hardly saw each other
for the rest of the holidays. He didn’t call to spend time with me,
and when I called the house, he was never home. The few times I did
see him, there was no more brotherly teasing, no more headlocks and
noogies.

I was accustomed to a cool distance and lack
of communication between me and my parents, but suddenly I was
facing that same guarded expression from my brother, and I began to
wonder if the problem was with
me
.

Did I feel some sort of contempt for every
member of my family? Did they sense it and respond as any normal
person would? If you believed someone disliked you, wouldn’t you
withdraw from them? If they treated you with mistrust, wouldn’t you
give up trying to be close?

Was that why I was estranged from my family?
Was it
me
?

So I made an extra effort to hug Rick a
little tighter than usual at the airport on the day he left.

“I’m sorry about what happened on Christmas
Day,” I said quickly in his ear. “Let’s forget about it, okay?”

We stepped back and a look of relief washed
over his face. “No apologies,” he said. “She’s a great girl. You
were right to be possessive, and if I did anything out of line, I
apologize. You know me. I can’t help trying to charm the
girls.”

I chuckled and looked down at my shoes.
“Maybe you should go to flirting rehab.”

He laughed, too. “Yeah. And listen, hang
onto that one,” he said as he started to back away. “She’s a
keeper.”

I looked up. “Don’t flunk out when you get
back to class,” I said.

“I’ll try not to.” He turned and waved a
hand over his shoulder. Then he was gone, and I experienced a
sudden pang of loss as a vivid memory flashed through my mind��of
Rick and me building a snowman in front of our house. I was only
five or six. He helped me push a giant snowball up the slope of the
driveway.

As I turned away from the entrance to
security and walked through the wide corridors of the airport,
another random memory came to me. I remembered a night when our
parents had gone out and left us home without a babysitter for the
first time. We ate too much junk food and an hour after we went to
bed, I woke up with a stomach ache. Rick fetched me a glass of
water and stayed at my side, assuring me it would pass. The sick
feeling did pass, and eventually I fell asleep.

He was a good brother when we were children.
Now he was gone and somehow I knew he would never return to the
east coast to live. Life would carry us in different directions. I
would remain here while he would pursue a career in California. And
of course he would be wildly successful.

Little did I know that I would see him again
far sooner than I expected.

A few days after Rick left, I began to
detect subtle changes in Angela’s personality. She went to bed
earlier, grew less talkative, and seemed to have lost the quirky
sense of humor I found so attractive.

Depression wasn’t something people discussed
as often or as openly back then, but even if it was, I’m not sure I
would have considered it a possibility. All I knew was that my
girlfriend had retreated into a shell for some reason I couldn’t
understand and I missed her. I wanted her back.

“Want to go to a movie tonight?” I asked her
on the phone when I arrived home to an empty apartment after work.
That was unusual for a Friday. Instead of coming to my place, she
had gone to her parent’s house.

“Not tonight,” she replied. “I’m not feeling
that great.”

“Is everything okay?” I asked. “Are you
sick?” I paused for a moment, then sat on the sofa. “You seem
down.”

“I’m just tired,” she replied. “They’ve been
giving me too many early morning shifts. I think I need to catch up
on some sleep.”

“All right. Why don’t you get some rest and
give me a call tomorrow?”

“I will,” she replied.

The following day, my phone never rang.

Nor did it ring the day after that.

* * *

On Monday night, I went to the pub where
Angela worked and asked to speak to her. The manager informed me
that she had called in sick for the past three days.

As soon as my shift ended, I rode my bike to
her parents’ house and knocked on the door. Her mother
answered.

“Oh, Jesse,” she said with a look of
sympathy and regret that caught me off guard. “Hi.”

I was still out of breath from the long bike
ride, and had to wipe my coat sleeve across my brow. “Is Angela
here?”

“Yes, she’s in her room.” Mrs. Donovan
stepped back and opened the door wider to invite me in. “Why don’t
you go in and talk to her? She could use some cheering up.”

“Cheering up?” I replied as I stepped over
the threshold and removed my sneakers.

Mrs. Donovan sighed. “She hasn’t been
feeling well for the past few days. I can’t get her to eat and she
won’t go see a doctor. I’m a bit concerned.”

“Does she have any other symptoms?” I asked.
Not that it would make a difference if Mrs. Donovan recited a list
because I wasn’t a medical professional. I loaded suitcases on
airplanes for a living.

“Do you mean like a sinus infection or
nausea?” she asked. “Not that I know of. She just won’t get out of
bed. I’d like her to have some blood work done because it could be
an iron deficiency or something simple like that. Maybe you could
talk her into going to see her doctor? She won’t listen to me. She
keeps telling me she’s fine.”

“I’ll try.”

I moved down the hall and knocked on her
door. No answer came, so I knocked a second time. Meanwhile my
heart began to pound. What if this was something more serious, like
cancer or some other fatal ailment?

If that’s what we were dealing with we
needed to find out sooner rather than later. I knocked harder and
more urgently.

Chair legs scraped across the floor inside,
followed by the sound of rapid footsteps.

“What is it?” Angela snapped from the other
side of the door.

At least she’s out of bed, I thought.

“It’s me. Jesse.”

More silence.

“Can I come in?” I asked.

She certainly took her time thinking about
it. I was forced to stand in the hallway while her mother watched
me discreetly from the kitchen.

I knew in that moment that something was
definitely wrong with my girlfriend. Then the knob slowly turned,
and the door opened.

“Geez, you look like hell,” I said when
Angela invited me in.

Her hair was greasy and matted to her head.
She wore a loose pair of gray sweatpants with holes at the knees
and a white T-shirt that had seen better days. There was a filmy
sheen to her complexion. If I didn’t know better, I’d think she
hadn’t washed her face since Christmas.

“I know,” she replied and shut the door
behind me.

I moved into the room and glanced around at
the unmade bed and the dirty dishes on the nightstand. “You
okay?”

“Not really.” She sat down on the edge of
the bed and dropped her gaze to her hands on her lap. I wondered
why she wouldn’t look at me.

Crouching down before her, I took both her
hands in mine. “What can I do?”

“Nothing.”

I paused, then raised her hands to my lips
and kissed them. “Your mom wanted me to convince you to go see a
doctor. She thinks you might have an iron deficiency.”

I certainly wasn’t about to say, ‘You should
get tested because you might have some horrible terminal
disease.’

Angela shook her head. “I don’t have an iron
deficiency.”

“Then what is it?” I asked. “Tell me because
I want to help. I miss you and I want you to feel better. No matter
what it takes, I’m here for you.”

Her eyes lifted and she regarded me with
dark and angry derision. I felt as if I’d just walked onto the set
of
The Exorcist
.

More than a little shaken by this change in
the girl I loved, I sat back on the floor and leaned on both arms.
“Talk to me.”

For a long moment she fiddled with the
frayed fabric around the holes of her sweatpants, then she abruptly
stood up and walked to the window. Looking out at the neighbor’s
house next door, she folded her arms at her chest. “It’s not an
easy thing to say.”

“Try,” I replied.

Turning to face me, she sat down on the
windowsill. “I’m not happy here, and I need to leave. I’ve already
booked a plane ticket, but I haven’t told my parents yet.”

My brow furrowed with bewilderment. “A plane
ticket to where?”

“Out West,” she said. “California.”

A sick feeling rolled like a jagged boulder
into my gut, and I rose to my feet. “Why? What’s in California? Or
should I ask
who
?”

Suddenly the tension in the room was as
thick as bread dough.

“Your brother,” she said.

Shutting my eyes, I cupped my forehead in a
hand. “No.”

“Yes. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you,
but it’s why I’ve been curled up in a ball for the past three days.
I can’t stay here anymore. I’m suffocating, Jesse. I need to go to
LA.”

“To be with Rick?” I asked, horrified.

She nodded.

“Does he know about this? Does he know how
you feel?”

She scoffed and sat down on the bed. “Of
course he knows and it’s been hell for both of us. We both tried so
hard to ignore how we felt, but it just wasn’t possible. I’m in
love with him and I have to be with him.”

The room was spinning. Everything was
turning red.

“What are you telling me?” I asked. “That
the two of you went around together behind my back?”

Gaze lowered, she nodded.

“When?” I demanded to know.

How could I not have known?

Angela shrugged. “Usually while you were at
work. Sometimes we met at your place.”

No, no.

No!
This was too much!

Bracing my hands on my hips, I began to pace
around her bedroom. “For the love of God, please don’t tell me you
slept with him.”

Her lack of a response provided the answer
and sent my blood into a wild frenzy. I stopped pacing and faced
her. “Are you crazy? He doesn’t love you, not like I do.”

How pathetic I sounded. I wanted to smother
myself with a pillow.

Angela rose defensively to her feet. “Yes,
he does. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know
what it was like.” She paused to catch her breath. “I’m sorry, but
I’m in love with him and I can’t take this anymore. Ever since he
left, I’ve been wasting away. I’ll die if I don’t go. I need to be
with him and I’m leaving tomorrow.”

I shook my head in a mad attempt to clear
this nightmare from my brain. It couldn’t be happening. Rick
wouldn’t have done this to me.

Had he really lied to me at the terminal
when we said good-bye? How could he have made me feel like such a
jealous fool?

“Have you talked to him since he left?” I
asked. “Does he know you want to follow him?”

“Of course he knows,” she replied. “He told
me to come and move in with him because he can’t take it either.
You don’t understand. What happened between us was…” She
stopped.

“It was
what
?” My stomach churned. I
was going to be sick.

“It was intense and I can’t possibly explain
it any better than that. You wouldn’t understand. There are no
words. All I know is that I never felt anything like this before
and I believe he’s my soul mate. I think we must have known each
other in heaven or something, and I think it’s why I met you in the
parking lot that day. You were meant to lead me to Rick. That’s why
it all happened this way.”

I seriously wanted to puke.

Soul mate? They met in heaven?
She
had completely lost her mind.

“It won’t last,” I told her. “It may seem
exciting and romantic now, but I know my brother. Mark my words,
you’ll end up with a broken heart.”

She shook her head again. “No, you’re wrong.
I know he’s been with a lot of girls—he told me about all that—but
this is different. I’m not like the other girls who go after him,
and he needs me as much as I need him. I feel terrible that this is
hurting you, Jesse. Believe me, he feels terrible, too. But we have
to be together.”

The rage I felt toward my brother paled in
comparison to the dismal despair that was snaking its way through
my body. I loved Angela with a passion I never knew existed, and
the thought of losing her to my brother made me want to double over
in agony. I couldn’t even begin to imagine that she had made love
to him. That she had given herself to him so completely. I wanted
to collapse to my knees and beg her to tell me it wasn’t true.

“Please, Angela,” I said. “Don’t do this.” I
took a step closer. “He’s not the one for you. I love you and I’ll
marry you tomorrow if you’ll stay. Please, don’t go.”

I had never in my life felt so wretched and
pathetic.

She backed away. “Don’t touch me. I’m not
yours anymore. I’m his.”

God in heaven
. I wanted to wring his
neck. My hands clenched into fists. I couldn’t breathe… Couldn’t
get air into my lungs.

“I’m sorry,” Angela said. “We didn’t want to
hurt you, but we couldn’t stop it. We
tried
.”

That was enough. It was more than I could
take. I had to get out of there.

“Good luck to you both,” I said, knowing
they would eventually be miserable together—although Rick wouldn’t
let that go on for long. The minute the shine wore off, he’d cut
Angela loose and enjoy his freedom again like he always did.