“ ‘I resolved to settle the matter myself, by covering the entrance hole. To accomplish this task, I fetched a spade from the tool shed. I went down cellar. Two more jars of preserves lay open and empty on the floor. This time, the visitor had indulged himself upon my peaches. Gazing down upon the empty jars, I felt a sudden warmth of compassion in my heart.
“ ‘The visitor, I realized, meant me no harm. His only wish was to stave off the ravages of hunger. Perhaps he was an unfortunate lad, one of society’s outcasts. I have known the loneliness and the fear of it. My heart went out to the luckless, desperate soul who had dug into my cellar for a few mouthfuls of my preserves. I vowed to meet him, and help him if I can.
“ ‘May 30.’ That’s an eleven-day gap, Jud.”
“Yeah.”
“ ‘May 30. I hesitate, I tremble, at the thought of committing my deeds to paper. To whom can I confide, however? Reverend Walters? He would only confirm that which I know already, that my deeds are foul in the eyes of God and I have condemned my soul to everlasting flames. I surely cannot tell Dr. Ross. I know not what terrible
vengeance he would certainly visit upon me and Xanadu.
“ ‘On May 19, I resolved to meet and attempt to help the visitor to my cellar. Glen came by, after the children were abed. He used me after his usual fashion.’ What became of the surging tides?” Donna asked. She immediately continued reading. “ ‘When he was done with me, we chatted idly for a time. At length, he departed.
“ ‘I went to the pantry, and silently opened the cellar door. There in the darkness, I waited, listening. Not a sound issued from the cellar. I descended the stairs, feeling my way cautiously, though I carried an unlighted lamp.
“ ‘When I felt the dirt floor of the cellar under my bare feet, I sat down upon the lowest step and continued my wait.
“ ‘My patience, at length, was rewarded. A muffled sound of one breathing heavily with exertion rose from the vicinity of the hole. Soon came faint sounds such as a body might make dragging itself over hard earth. Then I saw a head appear above the bushel baskets.
“ ‘The darkness concealed its features. I could only discern the head’s pale shape. Even that was far from distinct. I judged it from the paleness to be the head of a man foreign to the blissful rays of the sun.
“He rose to his full height, and I was filled with dread, for this was no man. Nor was he an ape.
“ ‘As he drew near, I resolved to discover his identity more fully, even at hazard to my safety. To
this purpose, I struck a match. It flared, giving me a momentary view of his hideous countenance before he cowered away, snarling.
“ ‘While he was thus turned, I beheld his back and hindquarters. Whether he was one of God’s exotic creatures, or an ill-made perversion vomited forth by the devil, I know not. His ghastly appearance and nudity shocked me. Yet I was drawn, by an irresistible force, to lay my hand upon his misshapen shoulder.
“ ‘I allowed the match to die. In the darkness, totally without sight, I felt the creature turn. His warm breath on my face smelled of the earth and wild, uninhabited forests. He lay his hands upon my shoulders. Claws bit into me. I stood before the creature, helpless with fear and wonder, as he split the fabric of my nightgown.
“ ‘When I was bare, he muzzled my body like a dog. He licked my breasts. He sniffed me, even my private areas, which he probed with his snout.
“ ‘He moved behind me. His claws pierced my back, forcing me to my knees. I felt the slippery warmth of his flesh press down on me, and I knew with certainty what he was about. The thought of it appalled me to the heart, and yet I was somehow thrilled by the touch of him, and strangely eager.
“ ‘He mounted me from behind, a manner as unusual for humans as it is customary among many lower animals. At the first touch of his organ, fear wrenched my vitals, not for the safety of my flesh but for my everlasting soul. And yet I allowed
him to continue. I know, now, that no power of mine could have prevented him from having his will with me. I made no attempt to resist, however. On the contrary, I welcomed his entry. I hungered for it as if I somehow presaged its magnificence.
“ ‘Oh Lord, how he plundered me! How his claws tore my flesh! How his teeth bore into me! How his prodigious organ battered my tender womb. How brutal he was in his savagery, how gentle in his heart.
“ ‘I knew, as we lay spent on the earthen cellar floor, that no man—not even Glen—could ever stir my passion in such a way. I wept. The creature, disturbed by my outburst, slipped away into his hole and disappeared.’ ”
“ ‘The following night, when I descended the cellar stairs, I found him waiting for me. I disrobed immediately to save my gown from the ravishment of his claws. I embraced him, savoring the slick heat of his skin. Then I went to my hands and knees, and he took me with no less fervor than on the previous night. When the delirium was past, we lay about until I recovered.
“ ‘At length, I showed him my lamp. I indicated for him to turn around to protect his eyes. Then I lit the lamp, and covered it with an indigo hood I had devised during the day. The blue-shaded lamp
was kind to his delicate eyes, while it provided sufficient light for my purpose.
“ ‘I saw, as I studied him, that he was a curiously shaped creature, indeed. Several of his odd features accounted, no doubt, for his magnificence as a lover. His lengthy, spearlike tongue was one of these. His sexual organ, without question, was the most singular and wondrous of his features, accounting as much for his ardor as for my own. Not only was it staggering in size and in its unusual contours and ridges, but also its orifice was unlike that of any creature known to me. The orifice, hinged like a jaw, possessed a tonguelike member with a two-inch extension.’ ”
“Bullshit,” Jud said. “What the hell is she trying to hand us?”
“A penis with a mouth?” Donna suggested.
“It’s not such a bad idea?” Jud said, and laughed tensely.
“As long as it hasn’t got teeth,” said Donna.
“Good Christ, how much of this is she making up?”
“What do you think?”
“I don’t know. A lot of what she says—the claws and slippery skin, the reaction to light—they fit what I’ve seen.”
“What about the penis?”
“I didn’t notice. Of course, the house was dark. I could hardly see anything.”
“I’ll go on. ‘This orifice and tongue, I am certain, enabled him not only to titillate me in the extreme,
but also heighten his ardor by the taste of my juices.’ ”
“Good God!” Jud muttered, shaking his head.
“ ‘After I satisfied my curiosity regarding his body, he explored me with much the same intensity. We then surrendered to a new tide of passion.
“ ‘When we finished, I presented him with an assortment of food. He ate cheese with great delight. He nibbled the roll, and discarded it. He rejected the beef with barely a sniff. As I would later learn, only raw meat suited his palate, and this had been well cooked. He lapped water from a bowl, then sat down on his haunches, apparently satisfied.
“ ‘Lying upon my back, I opened myself to him. He appeared confused, for he was accustomed to having his way in the manner of lower creatures. I urged him down upon me, however, so that I could look upon the strange beauty of his face and feel his slick flesh against my breasts as he ravished me.
“ ‘When we were done, I watched him slide into the hole behind the bushel baskets. I crawled to the edge of the hole. I listened, hearing him deep inside. I called out quietly to him. I knew not what his name might be, so I called him Xanadu after the strange and exotic land described by Mr. Coleridge in his unfinished masterpiece. He was gone, but I knew he would return the following night.
“ ‘I have been with Xanadu every night, making my way very silently down to the cellar after the
children are asleep. We indulge our passions with a frequency and intensity that knows no bounds. Each morning, before dawn, Xanadu returns to his hole. I know not why, nor where he goes. It is my belief that he is a creature of the night, who spends his days in sleep. I have become much that way, myself.
“ ‘Daylight finds me weary through every fiber. This has not gone unnoticed by Earl and Sam. I explain to them, with some truth, that I have found sleep difficult of late.
“ ‘Glen Ross was my chief worry, in the beginning. He immediately expressed concern over my lassitude. He demanded to examine me for a physical ailment, but I resisted him to the point of rudeness. He surrendered his demand, and gave me sleeping powders.
“ ‘His nightly demands for amorous attention aggravated and frightened me beyond telling. His embrace made me shudder. His kisses were repugnant to me. Yet I would have borne these tortures and allowed him liberties only to allay his suspicions had it not been for the visible evidence left on my body by Xanadu: the bruises, the scratches and cuts from his claws, the bite marks. Below my neck, hardly an inch of my body had not been wounded in the passion of our love. In the presence of my children and Dr. Ross, I wore a highnecked blouse with long sleeves, and a full skirt. Even these were not sufficient covering. Upon one occasion, I attributed scratches on my hands
and face to a tomcat flying into a rage when I picked it up.
“ ‘Three nights ago, Dr. Ross called on me and demanded to know the meaning of my icy rejections. Though I had long expected such an outburst, I was hard put to answer in a manner that would bring no suspicion of the truth. At length, with a show of modesty and shame, I divulged that our sins of fornication placed our souls in jeopardy and I could no longer abide such evil. To my astonishment, he suggested that we marry at once. I said I could not live with a man who has brought such a fall upon me. With derisive laughter, he pointed out that I had been satisfied enough, living with a bandit and murderer. I used this slur upon my deceased husband as a pretext to usher Dr. Ross from the house. I do not think he will return.
“ ‘Yesterday, I posted a letter to Ethel. I informed her that Dr. Ross had taken back his marriage proposal, and that I was heartsick. I asked that she keep Sam and Earl for two weeks, so that I might make a restorative trip to San Francisco. I am now eagerly awaiting her reply. With the boys far off in Portland, I will be able to abandon my tiring pretenses. Xanadu and I will have free reign of the house.
“ ‘June 28,’ ” Donna read. “That’s what, almost a month after the last entry? ‘Tomorrow, the children are due to return from Portland in the company of Ethel, who wishes to visit for an unspecified period. I have been looking forward with pain to their return.
“ ‘For close onto three weeks, Xanadu and I have been alone in the house. With the arrival of others, he must return to the cellar. I know not whether my heart will bear such separation.
“ ‘July 1. Last night while Ethel and the children slept, I visited the cellar. Instead of greeting me with an embrace, Xanadu glowered from the corner near his hole. He took the raw beef I offered him. Clamping it in his jaws, he crawled into the hole and disappeared. Though I waited until dawn, he did not return.
“ ‘July 2. Xanadu has not returned.
“ ‘July 3. Again tonight, he stayed away.
“ ‘July 4. If he is trying to destroy me by his absence, he is succeeding. I know not what I will do if he does not return soon.
“ ‘July 12. Ten nights have passed, and I fear he has no intention of returning. I know, now, that I was a fool to allow him up from the cellar. He grew accustomed to the comfort of the house, and my constant presence. How could he understand the necessity of his return to the cellar? How could he view it as anything other than rejection?
“ ‘July 14. Last night, instead of keeping my vigil in the cellar, I wandered the wooded hills behind the house. Though I found no sign of Xanadu, I shall search again tonight.
“ ‘July 31. My nighttime searches of the hillside have accomplished nothing. I am so weary. With the loss of Xanadu, all joy has passed from my life. Even in my children, I take no happiness. I resent
them, with all my heart, for they were the instruments of my loss. I would certainly have torn them unborn from my womb, had I known the agony their presence would bring.
“ ‘August 1. I spent last night in the cellar, hoping for Xanadu’s return. I would have prayed, but I dared not insult the Lord in such a manner. I determined, at length, to end my life.
“ ‘August 2. Last night, I waited until Ethel and the boys were asleep. Then I carried a length of rope down to the cellar. Lyle had often spoken to me of execution by hanging. It was a style of dying he dreaded until the day he was gunned down. I would have chosen a different way to end my life, but none seemed so sure as the hangman’s noose.
“ ‘I worked long on the rope, but was unable to devise a proper hanging knot. A simple loop, I decided, would make do. The pain of suffocation would be great, but only for a time.
“ ‘I managed, after a great deal of trouble, to throw the loop over one of the cellar’s support beams. I fixed the rope’s loose end to the center post. Then I climbed upon a chair that I had brought down cellar for that purpose. With the loop around my neck, I prepared myself for the end.
“ ‘At length, I knew that I could not depart this life without making one final attempt to see my beloved Xanadu.
“ ‘To this end, I stepped down from the chair and walked close to the mouth of his earthen hole. I knelt at its edge. I called out to him. Hearing no
response after a wait of several minutes, I determined to seek him out. If I should perish in the attempt, so be it. Such an end would only save me from the pain of hanging.
“ ‘Shedding my clothes, I climbed head-foremost into the hole, much as I had seen him do on so many occasions. The earth was cold and moist against my bare flesh. Its blackness was complete. The close confinement of the hole rendered crawling impossible, so I inched forward like a snake, flat on my belly. I know not how long I struggled to writhe my way deeper. The walls of the tunnel seemed to tighten around me, bearing down as if to crush the breath from my lungs. Yet I forced myself onward.
“ ‘When I could move no more, I cried out to Xanadu. I cried out in all the pain of my love and desperation. I cried out again and again, though every breath burned my lungs, for I loathed to die without bidding farewell to my lover.