The Catastrophic History of You And Me (20 page)

CHAPTER 35

who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?

L
ucky for me, Jacob’s window was open just wide enough to crawl through without causing a disturbance. He had his music on pretty loud too—Train’s album
Save Me, San Francisco
—so I don’t think he would’ve heard me even if I had.

I glanced around the room and saw it was pretty much the same as it had always been. Track posters stuck up all over his white walls, navy-blue carpet and bedspread, trophies of races he’d won, a big map of the world with thumbtacks stuck in all the places he wanted to run someday. Hawaii. Australia. The Great Wall of China.

Just then, Train’s song “Half Moon Bay” started up, reminding me of all the times we’d spent walking around downtown together. Sharing Oreo milk shakes from M’s, browsing old records at the Music Hut, and all our bike rides down Main Street. My eyes fell on the pair of crutches leaning up against his bed, causing me to wince.

Bike riding would definitely be out for a while. Not that he even had a bike to ride. I’d done a number on that too.

Patrick was right.

Women are crazy
.

Jacob wiped his face with the back of his hand and coughed. I could hear the sound of his parents starting to yell at each other again from downstairs.

One big happy family.

“Hey, Jacob,” I said softly from across the room. “I’m here.” I didn’t want to scare him, so I kept myself at a pretty good distance. But as the melody of the song went on, his shoulders began to shake even harder.

I glanced guiltily at his crutches, then heard his cell phone go off. He reached for it and cleared his throat. “Hey. What’s up?”

The sound of his voice still got to me, even if my feelings had begun to change.

“Nothing. I dunno.” He paused, and I could hear little snippets of Sadie’s voice coming through the receiver.

“Worried about you . . . not yourself . . . you have to tell them.”

“I don’t have to do anything,” Jacob argued. “He’ll throw me out, don’t you get it? He’s pissed enough about this track bullshit anyway. Nobody can know, Sadie. I can’t—”

Her voice came back heated through the receiver.
“Not fair. Screw them. Who cares what they think?”

“I do!” Jacob shot back. “I give a shit, all right? Look at all the pain I’ve already caused everyone. I should never have told you, so just forget it. It’s not your problem. You don’t understand.”

“
Jacob—I—”

“Listen, I gotta go.” He hung up the phone and threw it onto the bed.

I was completely lost. What problem did he mean? What the hell were they talking about? The kids at school couldn’t still be giving him hell for dating Sadie, could they? Nearly a whole school year had gone by. PCH must have found something new to gossip about by now. There had to have been other scandals besides some kid dating his dead ex’s best friend. There were definitely worse things in life. Just turn on the news, for god’s sake.

He cranked his music way up and ran his fingers through his hair. I made my way across his room, doing everything in my power not to give off any sort of freaky death vibes. I came up behind him. Focused my energy. Then, ever so slowly, I rested one hand on his shoulder. Then another.

Jacob. I’m here for you
.

He broke down, and buried his face in his hands. Lonely, gut-wrenching sobs began to pour out of him, muffled only slightly by the sound of the music’s soulful acoustics. His pain was everywhere. I could taste it; I could smell it; I could feel it as his shoulders caved in.

“Shhh,”
I whispered. “It’s going to be okay.” I smoothed his hair back with my fingers. “Whatever it is, I promise it’s going to be okay.” I just didn’t get it. In all my years of knowing him, I’d never seen him this upset.

Never ever.

I let my hand lightly trace his back, feeling the warmth of his body radiating beneath his shirt. Then I bent down, almost afraid to breathe, and gently touched my lips to his cheek. One kiss to fix it all. One kiss to apologize for everything I’d put him through.

I just hoped he could feel it.

I’m sorry, Jacob.

But when I pulled my lips away, the world was exactly as it had been before. He was still a mess. And I was nothing but a faded shadow on his bedroom wall.

He sat back and wiped his face on his sleeve. Then he reached for his spiral-bound notebook and got back to finishing what he’d started. I watched the tip of his pen move across the messy page, not bothering to translate the mix of boy-handwriting stained with teardrops. But as I watched his fingers tighten around the pen, I decided to take another look.

What in the world could he be working on so intently? A college essay? A lab report? Maybe he was late on a term paper?

I leaned in over his shoulder to get a closer look, and realized it was none of those things. It was a
letter
.

But when I saw exactly what kind of letter it was, I felt the room start to spin around me.

I can’t live like this anymore.

I can’t go on hiding, or pretend to be somebody I’m not. I tried to change. I tried to be a different person.

But this is who I am. This is WHAT I am.

I stopped reading.

What you are
?

My mind flashed back to the night of our last-ever date. October 4, 2010. The night when his words had sent my heart into eternal failure. The truth is, I had known that he was about to break up with me. I had seen the fear and sadness in his eyes when he’d picked me up for our date. I just hadn’t wanted to face it.

Don’t do this to me,
I remember begging him silently from across the table.
Don’t do this to us.
Please
.

Of course, in the end, he’d said the words anyway.

I DON’T LOVE YOU.

But sitting there in Jacob’s bedroom, watching him, it occurred to me that I’d never actually heard his reasons
why
. Ever since that morning on the beach, I’d assumed that he had chosen Sadie over me. But what if I’d been wrong about everything? What if I’d made a terrible, horrible mistake?

My mind raced. I realized that I had seen Jacob and Sadie embrace that morning after the bonfire, but nothing more. I realized that I had seen them sharing glances and whispers and text messages, but never a single kiss. I realized that I had seen them both beginning to unravel, locked together in their silence, while our friends punished them for it.

And all the while, I had been the one leading the pack.

I fell backward onto the bed as the truth washed over me.

“You
did
love me,” I whispered. “Just not the same way I loved you.”

It had taken what felt like a lifetime of being gone, but I finally understood the difference. All of the pieces fit. All of the logic made sense.

Jacob hadn’t fallen for Sadie. He had simply
confided
in her.

His deepest secret.

And in the end, Sadie’s only crime was that she had kept it for him.

“Please don’t do this,” I begged him, tears streaming down my face. “Please listen.”

But he didn’t hear me. Couldn’t hear me. Because he was too busy finishing his suicide letter.

I’d rather be dead than tell you I’m gay.

So I’ll make it easy for all of us.

CHAPTER 36

always something there to remind me

I
t was a long way down from Jacob’s roof, but I jumped anyway. Barely even felt the leaves brush by or my ankle twist as I hit the ground.

Sadie’s house. I’ve got to get to Sadie’s house.

I couldn’t pick up enough speed for zooming, so I was stuck hobbling down the street like a little old lady.

What if I can’t reach her? What if she can’t get to him in time?

My head was throbbing. I felt sick to my stomach. Heat lightning crackled through the night sky and I stopped running. When I looked up, I was sure I could almost see a girl’s face hidden in the clouds, watching me.

“What am I supposed to do?” I cried. “I’ve got to save him! Please, help me!”

The lightning flashed again and the face disappeared.

For a second, I turned back toward Jacob’s driveway, thinking of his tears. Then I looked ahead in the general direction of Sadie’s neighborhood, way across town. At least fifteen minutes away, and that was by car. A sense of dread began to creep over me like a slow-moving blanket of fog. I was totally stuck.

No, I was totally
screwed
. I couldn’t go forward, but I also couldn’t go back.

“Why can’t you be real?” I begged my useless hands. “Why can’t you let me
fix
this?”

I heard the faintest rustling of leaves as dark vines began to rustle and twist their way up from the street. All of a sudden, Larkin’s voice was everywhere. Her words forced their way down my throat, and locked around my chest like a parasite.

It’s easier than you think.

I touched my necklace, remembering her offer. Finally, I understood why she wanted it. The necklace represented everything I had left of my life back on earth. It stood for the people I had loved most, and the love we had shared.

My salvation.

My throat went numb. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

“Don’t be afraid.” Larkin’s face flashed across the sky.

What if this was it? I thought. What if this was my only chance? Maybe I could go back for one more day and get Jacob the help he needed. Maybe I could clean up the mess I’d made and make sure nobody else I cared about had to die as needlessly as me. Maybe this would be one more day to help Jacob see that he wasn’t alone. To help him forgive himself for being complicated, and worthy of being loved.

For being HUMAN.

Larkin had said I could go back. She had said I could relieve another day, no strings attached.

Well, just the one little string.

Carefully, I moved my long hair out of the way and unclasped my necklace. I held it up in front of me and watched as the small golden heart—perfectly imperfect—dangled and spun at the end of the chain.

Could it be true? Could the necklace somehow be linked to my eternal salvation?

I thought of Jacob. Thought of the pain on his face and the tears in his eyes and the words he’d scribbled down so desperately. I took a deep breath and knew what I had to do. “What are best friends for?” I whispered.

When I looked up a moment later, Larkin was standing beside me.

“I hoped you’d come around.” She touched my arm softly. “So,” she said. “Do we have a deal? How much is another day on earth worth to you?”

I knew the answer before she’d even finished her question. There was only one way to bargain your way out of heaven.

And this was it.

“Everything,” I said, handing over my necklace. “It’s worth everything.”

CHAPTER 37

listen to your heart, before you tell him good-bye

I
t is a terrible business, the trafficking of human souls. The
D&G
calls it “the Ultimate Unholy.” The worst crime against heaven and earth and humanity and everything in between.

Lucky for me, it was
also
apparently Larkin’s after-school hobby.

“Which day did you choose?” she asked. Her voice was casual and light, as if we were discussing her hair, or the latest bikini sale at J. Crew.

“None of your business,” I snapped, not caring if I was being rude. I was most definitely NOT in the mood for chitchat.

“Suit yourself.” Her voice sounded sweeter than ever, but there was nothing friendly about the way she pushed up my sleeve. She kneeled down next to me and aimed the pocketknife at my arm.

“Hey!” I cried. “What the hell are you doing? I already gave you the necklace.” I tried to shove her away, but her grip was stronger than I expected.

“Chill out, it won’t hurt,” she said. “Think of this as your initiation into a very cool club.” She pointed proudly to her own tattoo. “See? Now we’ll match.”

My mouth fell open. “I thought you said you got that in Cancun.”

“Did I? Guess my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.”

Larkin was lying. This was so
totally
going to hurt.

Still, I tried my best to focus on the positive. The Plus Side to our bargain: one more day to breathe again in the waking world. After which, I would completely belong to her
.

Talk about a healthy relationship.

“I’ll count back from ten, so you know exactly when to scream,” Larkin said.

“Thanks a lot.”

“Ten,” she began. “Nine. Eight . . .”

It’s worth it,
I thought
. I’m going to save a life. I’m going to fix what is broken. One more day—to have and to hold—forever and ever amen.

For that, I would be eternally grateful.

I opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of the blade flashing in the moonlight.

“Five . . . Four . . .”

I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself for pain. But just before I felt the tip of the blade cut into my skin, something else flashed through my mind.

Or, rather, someone.

I thought of his bomber jacket and ridiculously bad jokes. I thought of how angry I had been at him for pushing me off the Golden Gate Bridge, and how it drove me crazy whenever he called me Cheeto. I thought of how he would always refill my Sprite without me having to ask, and how he had carried me back to Slice when I couldn’t make it on my own. I thought of the sound of his voice whenever he called me Angel, and how—whenever I wrapped my arms around him from the backseat of his motorcycle—it felt like I was home.

“One,”
Larkin whispered.

Patrick.
I’m so sorry.

All of a sudden, something flew straight into my side at a hundred miles per hour, knocking me down the street like a bowling pin. I landed face-first in a ditch, gasping for air and totally covered with mud and grass and weeds. I managed to roll over, and a few seconds later felt Hamloaf furiously licking my face, trying to clean me off.

“
Ugh
, dog breath.” I pushed him off and rolled my sleeve up to get a good look at my shoulder. Larkin’s blade had only grazed my skin.

A sudden crash distracted me and I jumped up, running toward the sound. About forty feet away, Patrick and Larkin were squared off, facing each other. He had her pocketknife in his hand. And it was pointed right at her throat.

“Your services are no longer required,” he said. “Leave us.”

“She’s made her choice,” she said. “We’ve got a deal. So why don’t you just go back to your stupid little pizzeria and leave us alone already.”

It seemed Larkin really had been listening when I’d told her all about Patrick. Either that or she recognized the leather jacket.

He took a step closer, letting both of us know he was serious.

Please don’t, I begged him softly. I need to do this. It’s for Jacob. I need to go back for Jacob.

“See? She wants to go,” said Larkin. “You should let her. Anyway, just because you couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean she can’t.”

I looked back to Patrick. “What’s she talking about?”

“Keeping secrets, are we?” Larkin said. “That’s not very polite, you know. Why don’t you share with the whole class?”

“Oh screw you,” Patrick shot back. “You don’t own her. Brie’s got better things to do than bring meaning to your pathetic little half-life.”

In that instant, Larkin’s burns seemed to come alive in the glow of the moonlight. “Better things to do like
you,
you mean?” She crossed her arms. “Listen up, Bon Jovi, I’ve heard all about you. I’ve heard all about your cheesy motorcycle and your absolute crush that she absolutely does
not
reciprocate. So do yourself a favor and find someone else to drool over, okay? Because this”—she drew a heart in the air with her pointer fingers—“is so not happening.”

Whoa. Mega ouch
.

Patrick’s eyes met mine.

Cheesy motorcycle? That’s harsh, Cheez Whiz, way harsh.

I never said that. I swear.

He shook the insult off and turned back to Larkin. “Listen up, Robin, or Blue Jay, or whatever your name is. I’m not letting her do this. It’s as simple as that.”

“It’s done,” Larkin said, glancing over at me. “Come on Brie, tell him.”

“That’s funny,” he said. “’Cause I kind of think you’re wrong.” Patrick dug around in his pocket and pulled out my necklace.

“Hey, that’s mine!” I ran over and grabbed it out of his hands.

“You’re right.” Patrick’s voice had grown tired. “It’s
yours
. Don’t ever let her have it, Brie. Nothing is worth what you’re about to trade. Nothing.”

“Stay out of this,” I begged him. “Please.”

He pointed the pocketknife back at Larkin’s throat. “Dare me?”

Her eyes darted to me for help, but in that exact moment, I literally wasn’t sure whose side I was on.

“Fine,” Larkin said, sensing my uncertainty. She glared at Patrick. “Just believe me when I say, there is nothing worse in this universe than wanting someone who doesn’t want you back. Hate to say it, Pizza Boy, but your girl’s forgotten you.” She let out a bitter laugh. “So either way, you pretty much lose.”

Your girl? Forgotten you?

“What do you mean?” I said, completely overwhelmed. “Will somebody PLEASE speak English for once?”

“Case in point,” Larkin smirked at Patrick. “Guess you really are as dumb as you look.”

“Stop it!” I said. “Don’t talk to him that way.”

She grabbed me by the shoulders and got so close that for a split second I could feel the heat from the fire that had disfigured her lovely face. “I seriously can’t believe you’d take his side, Brie. I can’t
believe
you’d defend him over me, after knowing me practically your whole life. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

“Larkin—”

“You’re just like everybody else.”

“No. You know that’s not true. Listen—”

“No,
you
listen,” she said. “You don’t know the first thing about pain or loneliness. But you will. You’ll see what it feels like to have everyone in the whole world forget about you like you were never even there in the first place. You’ll see what it feels like to have nobody.” She started to back away.

No, no, no, no.

I couldn’t let her leave. I needed her to help me get home. If I didn’t, there was no telling what Jacob might do to himself. Or how many more lives would be ruined.

“Here.” I held out my charm necklace in total desperation. “Please take it. I’ll do whatever you want.”

She stared at it for a long moment, then wiped away a single stray tear. “Forget it. You two deserve each other.”

And just like that, she was gone.

No!!

I broke into a run and clawed at the air, trying to catch her vanishing silhouette. But within seconds, there was nothing left of her but smoke.

As if she’d never even been there in the first place.

I sank down to my knees. I was too late. I’d lost my only chance to save him.

To save myself.

“This can’t be happening,” I whispered.

I heard Larkin’s pocketknife clatter to the pavement. “Angel,” Patrick said softly, resting his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Suddenly, every part of me was on fire. Every particle and atomic memory of skin and blood and tears and bones was seething, burning through my dress. I felt like I might explode into flames and ash and nothingness. Part of me almost wished I would. At least then I wouldn’t have to
feel
anymore.

God, I was so sick of feeling. So sick of hurting. I just couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t comprehend that Patrick had ruined my one and only chance to make things right. He had ruined everything. More than everything.

I’m sorry, Jacob. I am so, so sorry.

I shoved Patrick’s hand off and got to my feet. “What is your problem? It’s none of your business what I do or don’t do. It’s not
up
to you how I choose to spend my eternity. I can do whatever I want with it!”

The sleepy ache in my chest had blasted into a searing wall of pain I almost couldn’t withstand. Squeezing, choking the air out of my lungs until I felt like a deflated helium balloon. Soon there’d be nothing left to hold me up.

“I couldn’t let you go.” Patrick lowered his head. “You can’t possibly understand what you were about to do. You can’t see it now, but I swear, you would have regretted it.” His voice was quiet. Full of desperation, and guilt, and an overwhelming sadness.

But I didn’t care.

Let
him feel bad. LET
him feel guilty! I was so sick-to-my-stomach-pissed-off, I could hardly even look at him.

Maybe I can try again
.
Maybe it’s not too late.
Maybe I can try to apologize to her—

“No!” Patrick grabbed me suddenly and shook me hard. “Is that seriously what you want? To give up the only chance at peace you have left? To be that control freak’s prisoner until the end of time? To beg and plead for death because life as you know it is so unbearable?” His eyes were on fire. “Forgive me, Angel.
Forgive me,
but I refuse to stand by and watch you choose to spend your eternity in hell.”

I struggled against him, finally breaking free. “Then don’t watch. Then
back
off.”

“Please try.” He put his hand against my cheek. “Please try to remember. Don’t you see what I’ve given up for you? Don’t you know how long I’ve been waiting? Can’t you
feel
it?” He locked his eyes on mine a final time, and my throat filled with the taste of burning fuel. I felt the heat of fire and smoke stinging behind my eyes—like being burned alive from the inside out.

“Don’t touch me!” I screamed. “I never asked for your help! Why can’t you just stay out of my life, or afterlife, or whatever the hell this is?” I yanked myself free from his arms. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Brie, don’t—”

“Don’t what
?
” I got in his face. “What is it you want, Patrick? What is it you really want from me?”

He couldn’t answer.

I shook my head and started to storm off. “Forget it.”

“No.” He grabbed my hand again suddenly. “I . . . I mean,
we
—”

“We nothing,” I cut him off. “There is YOU and there is ME. And that is all. That is all there will ever be.”

“But, Angel. You don’t understand—”

“I can’t believe you’d make this about you. Larkin was right. I can’t believe you’d ruin my only chance to fix things because of some stupid, pathetic, never-going-to-happen crush!”

He looked like I had knocked the wind out of him. “How?” he whispered. “How could you possibly have forgotten so much?”

“I’m not the one who’s forgotten,” I said. “Look at you! You’ve been here so long you don’t even remember what it means to still have people care about you. You’ve forgotten what it means to make someone a promise that you’ll always be there no matter what.”

My voice wavered, but I kept going. “You waste so much time making stupid jokes and thinking about yourself that you’ve completely forgotten that love is about everyone
but
you
.
Love is about loving someone else more than you love yourself.” I wiped away an angry tear. “Not that I’d ever expect you to understand.”

He didn’t answer right away. But I could see the effect my words had had on him. The spark had gone out of his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said at last. “I only ever wanted to make things better. I only ever wanted to protect you.”

“Well, I don’t need anyone to protect me,” I snapped. “
Especially
not you.”

The second the words were out of my mouth, I wished so badly that I could take them all back. I couldn’t believe how cruel I had sounded. The trouble is, sometimes words are like arrows. Once you shoot them, there’s no going back.