Authors: Shelley Shepard Gray
A
fter much deliberation, Mattie came to the conclusion that God must have, indeed, decided to leave her. She’d tried to pray, but that had been hopeless. For the first time in her life, she’d felt only emptiness when she’d prayed. As if no one was listening, that no one really cared.
Perhaps that was for the best?
Accepting the harsh reality of her situation seemed like the only way to survive. Now that she had stopped fighting the inevitable, and had stopped feeling so sorry for herself, Mattie realized she could concentrate on the needs of other people.
Which was a welcome change.
Now that she wasn’t consumed with herself, Mattie could look around and take in her surroundings. And what she saw there was amazing. She knew she was witnessing the Lord’s work in almost everything at the hospital.
Yes, God was working with the doctors and nurses. He was guiding them, giving them the knowledge to treat the cancer cells in their patients’ bodies. He gave the volunteers the strength to continually smile even when many of the patients were difficult and short-tempered.
He guided the technicians who worked in the radiation labs. The Lord was surely with Charlie, their driver, too. Miraculously, he never lost his patience, even when both she and her mother were not at their best.
All this thinking about others did give her comfort, and it did hold threads of hope for her, too. God was there in the hospital with them.
And just because He wasn’t watching over her, it didn’t mean He didn’t care about others.
That knowledge made her stay almost bearable.
That, and her loving cousin Lucy.
Oh, but she couldn’t help but worry about Lucy. Over the last three days, Lucy had left only once. Otherwise, she bustled and fetched. Smiled and encouraged. But not this afternoon.
“What is bothering you so much, Lucy?”
Lucy blinked. “Nothing.”
“Please tell me.”
“It’s just that I never imagined your healing would be such a roller coaster event. That’s all. I had thought that we would get through your chemotherapy treatments and then you would be better.”
Mattie completely understood. “All this, it was hard for me to accept at first, too. But I’ve come to find out that this cancer is a mighty tough opponent. Wily, too.”
“I don’t know how to make things better for you.”
“You already have made things better by being here.” Mattie was being completely honest. Lucy’s presence had been a true gift.
Slowly, Lucy nodded. “I’m glad I am here.” Standing up, she shook out her skirts. “Now, how can I help you?”
Though Mattie didn’t really feel like being fussed over, she saw that Lucy ached to do something—anything—to feel useful. So she pointed to her head and frowned. “My hair’s an awful mess. Would you mind brushing it out for me?”
“Not at all.” After digging through Mattie’s suitcase, Lucy helped Mattie off with her
kapp,
then unpinned her hair.
When her hair fell in waves down her shoulders, Mattie smiled. Perhaps a good hair brushing was what she needed. She closed her eyes when Lucy started.
As the soft bristles rubbed against her head, she felt her shoulder and neck muscles relax. It had been a long time since anyone had brushed her hair. Years.
Ah. Yes, this was most likely what she needed—to take time to enjoy the simple pleasure of getting her hair brushed.
And then she could put her
kapp
back on, and she would look more like herself. Neat and orderly.
“Oh, my,” Lucy murmured. Quietly. So quietly, Mattie almost didn’t hear her.
“What?”
With a stricken look, Lucy held up a handful of hair. “It’s coming out.”
Mattie grabbed the brush. “What is? My hair?” she asked, but of course it was a silly thing to ask. She knew what was happening.
“I’m sorry, Mattie. I’m afraid the medicine is causing it to come out.”
Awkwardly, Mattie ran the brush along her scalp. To her dismay, thick strands of hair came out. Right into her hands. Some fell onto her lap.
Crushed, she examined the rich brown strands now lying limp in her hands. Though she had never been an especially prideful girl, she’d always rather liked her hair. She’d liked the rich chocolate color and how thick and long it was.
And now it was falling out. Showing her once and for all that the cancer was winning another battle. And proving that God was still looking the other way.
“Lucy, go find me a mirror, would ya?”
“Oh, no . . .”
“Please?” Mattie couldn’t help that her voice had gotten high and shrill. “Please? Now. I can’t get up easily with the cords attached to me.”
“All right,” Lucy said. With another look of dismay, she met Mattie’s eyes, then swallowed hard. Without another word, she practically ran out the door.
Unable to help herself, Mattie brushed at her head again. Harder this time. In retaliation, more strands pulled away.
Minutes later, Lucy came in with a handheld mirror, and a concerned-looking nurse on her heels.
“Mattie, why don’t you put that brush away? We don’t need to dwell—”
She held out her hand. “Please. Give me the mirror.”
But instead of handing the mirror forward, Lucy looked at the nurse.
“It’s all right,” the nurse said quietly. “Let Mattie have it.”
With obvious reluctance, Lucy did as she bid.
Half dreading what she would see, Mattie raised it to her face. Immediately she spied a gray patch of bare skin that was now showing just above her ear. Unable to stop her sounds of dismay, Mattie tilted her head and moved the mirror around. More patches were visible.
And even more strands were loose in her hair, just waiting to fall on her lap. The tears now fell on her cheeks. She was in a losing battle with the disease. First it had claimed her breast, and now her hair. Already she’d lost ten pounds.
She was turning into someone she didn’t know. “I’m
hatt gukkich
.”
“You are not,” Lucy said. “You are not ugly at all.”
“Why don’t you let me have the mirror now, child,” the nurse said gently.
Though she wanted to scream and fight, Mattie did as she was bid.
When the nurse held the mirror again, she gazed at her with concern. “I can give you some medicine for your anxiety. It will help you rest.”
“I don’t need medicine. I’m fine.”
“All right,” she said agreeably. “Now, would you care to pin your hair back up and put it under your
kapp
?”
Mattie struggled with a reply. At the moment, she was afraid to touch her head. Afraid doing so would only pull out more strands.
After a meaningful look Lucy’s way, the nurse said, “Or we could do something else . . .”
“And what is that?”
“We could go get Miss Beverly. She’s a volunteer hairdresser.”
The nurse made no sense. “Why in the world would I need—”
“Miss Beverly shaves heads for women who are losing their hair,” she explained. “She’s here today. I saw her just down the hall.”
Oh, but shaving her head seemed like a terribly hard step.
But even if she fought the changes, they would still come. The chemo would still take its toll. “If you could find this Miss Beverly, I would be most appreciative,” she said quietly.
“I’ll be right back, sugar,” the nurse said with a smile.
Lucy walked around the bed and sat at her side. “Oh, Mattie, I’m so, so sorry.”
Mattie was, too. She was sorry about her hair, and her looks. And the fact that once again, her faith felt so tenuous.
Just when she was about to remind Lucy that God was in charge . . . Mattie was coming to realize that she didn’t care for that arrangement. Not at all.
Not one little bit.
F
ocus on Mattie. She needs you. Focus on her needs, not yours.
Over and over again, Lucy repeated the mantra, willing herself to believe the words. Willing herself to let them guide her.
Focusing on Mattie helped keep her mind off Calvin. All their misconceptions about each other had fallen away on the steps, leaving room for their feelings to grow.
And now they seemed to be in full bloom. No, it was more than that. She’d felt happy and calm. And peaceful. And for one little moment . . . the only thing she’d thought about was Calvin. And the fact that she was sure he’d been about to kiss her.
And if he had, Lucy knew she would have kissed him back. The feelings had been mildly shocking. When Paul died, she had sworn to herself that she’d never trust a man again. Certainly, she’d promised herself to never get involved in another relationship! All that would bring her was sorrow and pain.
So why did she now find herself thinking about him all the time?
“Lucy?” Mattie asked, snapping back her attention.
“Yes?”
“I . . . I don’t want to get my head shaved.” A new shadow of pain lit her eyes. “I’m afraid.”
“Of course you are,” Lucy murmured as she sat on her bed and, with her hands, gently embraced Mattie’s face. “It’s a scary thing, this is.”
“What if it doesn’t grow back?”
Afraid to assure her about something she knew nothing of, Lucy murmured, “Have you ever heard of someone’s hair not returning?”
“Nee.”
Mattie seemed to shrink into herself. “I’m just sad and angry that all this is happening to me. I know it’s selfish.”
“You’re not selfish, Mattie,” Lucy consoled. “You’re just trying to come to grips with a mighty hard day. That’s all.”
Mattie squeezed her hand. “How bad does my head look . . . really?”
“It looks bad, Mattie. Not
gut
at all.”
“You never did pussyfoot around the truth, did you?”
“Oh, I have. There were times with Paul that I got terribly
gut
at hiding bad things.” Remembering another visit, Lucy said, “Do you recall when you came to see me right after you heard about Paul’s death?”
“Of course.”
“And do you remember when you knocked on my door to see if I needed help?”
After a moment, realization dawned. “And I discovered the bruises and faded marks on your skin?”
Lucy nodded.
“I remember.”
“I remember you telling me that perhaps I shouldn’t waste too many more tears on a man who had made me look so bad.”
Mattie’s lips curved up. “And, oh, but you did look bad, Lucy. And I told you so.”
“Sometimes honesty is what we need to hear, Cousin.”
“So you think I should let this Miss Beverly cut off my hair?”
“I do. It will make things easier, I think. And perhaps it will be something else you can cross off your list to dread.”
As if on cue, Mattie’s door opened and an attractive
Englischer
lady carrying a bright pink tote bag appeared in the doorway. “Knock, knock,” she said with a smile. “May I come in?”
Lucy looked to Mattie.
After a moment’s pause, she nodded. “Please.”
“My name is Beverly.” She paused at the foot of Mattie’s bed. “I’m a volunteer here. For years, I owned my own hair salon. Now I help patients in any way I can.” With a compassionate look, she murmured, “The nurse said you might have need of my services. Do you?”
With a feeling of fate, Mattie nodded, keeping her eyes straight ahead. She knew that if she looked Lucy’s way, she would dissolve into tears. Steadying her voice, and speaking as calmly and stoically as she possibly could, she said, “This is a wonderful-
gut
service you offer.”
The hairdresser’s cheek dimpled. “My sister is a cancer survivor. Years ago, after she recovered, I mentioned to her that I wished I could have done more to help others in some way. She suggested this. I’m trying to make a difficult situation just a bit easier.”
Mattie focused on the lady’s words as she pulled out her scissors; and Lucy held her hand as the first snip was made next to her ear. Then Mattie gave in to temptation and let her eyes close when the electric clipper was plugged in and Miss Beverly began to shave off the remains of her hair.
“Focus on the future,” Lucy murmured. “Focus on the future, not what is happening now.”
Mattie didn’t need to be told that Lucy was drawing on her own personal experiences for that advice.
However, at the moment, she couldn’t see a future. Instead, it was just a looming, dark cloud. Dark and foreboding and thick. And not allowing even a patch of sunlight to peek through.
C
alvin and Graham were sitting on Mattie’s front porch when the van dropped them off.
“What are they doing here?” Mattie asked Lucy, her voice cracking. “Why did they come?”
“I’m sure they just want to see how you are doing.”
“Obviously not well,” Mattie said bitterly.
Through the open door, Lucy glanced at the men. They were looking at Mattie, specifically her bald head. Before he could hide it, a flash of pain entered Graham’s eyes.
After Lucy paid Charlie and helped Mattie out, she leaned close to her cousin. “Would you like me to ask them to leave? I can . . . if that’s what you want.”
But before Mattie could reply, both men were at their side. Graham placed one arm around Mattie’s waist, offering support. Calvin was reaching into the back and picking up their suitcases. “Don’t make us leave,” Graham said to Lucy. “We saw your aunt at the market earlier today. She’s the one who told us you two were due back around two this afternoon.”
Mattie hung her head.
When both men looked at her in alarm, Lucy attempted to smile. “Here, it is almost four! Have you been waiting this whole time?”
Calvin nodded. “Pretty much.”
“That was mighty kind of you,” Lucy murmured, looking hesitantly Mattie’s way.
Mattie still stayed silent, her head toward the ground. Her
kapp
looked strange and loose on her bald head.
Wordlessly, Lucy looked at the men, aching for them to say something comforting but having no idea what they could possibly say to make things better.
Then, to Lucy’s amazement, Graham placed one finger under Mattie’s chin and raised it until he was looking directly into her eyes. “Mattie, you know I wouldn’t be able to stay away. I wanted to see your new look.”
Calvin stiffened. “Graham,” he chided.
Lucy was just about to pull her cousin away, to quickly shuttle her inside—and away from Graham’s hurtful tongue—when the most surprising thing happened. Mattie stood up straighter.
“I canna believe you said that, Graham Weaver,” she said, her eyes flashing.
Not looking the least bit apologetic, he shrugged. “I had to say something.”
“It couldn’t have been something nice?”
Again, Graham surprised them all by chuckling. “
Nee
. I wanted to see the spark in your eyes.” He winked. “And there it is once again,” he said, sounding genuinely pleased. “Now you are finally looking at me with your pretty brown eyes. I thought you were gonna ignore me until we got into your house.” Looking at both Lucy and Calvin, he motioned for them to walk behind as he and Mattie entered the house.
Though Lucy ached to protect her, she did as Graham bid. He was able to do something that she had not been able to do the whole journey home—get Mattie to speak.
Lucy and Calvin kept some distance as Mattie and Graham continued speaking.
“I have no hair,” her cousin whined as they went into the entryway.
“I know,” he said gently.
“I look awful.”
“You look mighty different, but maybe not ‘awful.’ Actually, you just look like Mattie with no hair.”
Lucy shared a smile with Calvin as Mattie protested. “Graham—”
“Shh, now. All it means to me is that the medicine is helping your cancer stay away. Now, let me help you to the couch.”
“Will you stay for a while?”
“I will.”
Soon, they moved too far into the house for Lucy and Calvin to hear another word.
Now that she knew her cousin was in good hands, Lucy sighed with relief. It had been a long few days. “I have to say it, Calvin. Your brother Graham is a gift from heaven right now.”
Calvin chuckled. “You might be the first person besides my
mamm
to ever call him that.”
“I tried the whole way home to get her to talk about how she was feeling, but she refused,” she said as she joined him on the stoop.
“We got lucky. When Jenna told us about your phone call, and about Mattie’s hair, we knew we had to do something.” Looking contemplative, Calvin corrected himself. “Well, Graham insisted that we come over and wait.”
“He’s such a good friend to her.”
“No less than you, Lucy.”
She shivered. At the moment, she felt completely ineffective. “I could hardly get her to say a word the whole way home.”
“Sometimes talking isn’t needed, though, you know?”
“Is that why you came, too?”
“Partly. I also wanted to check on you.” As if it was the most natural thing in the world, Calvin reached for her hand and enfolded it in his. “Are you all right, Lucy?”
She couldn’t seem to think about anything other than how warm his skin was. How gentle his grip was. “Me? I’m fine.”
“I just wanted to be sure. It’s hard work, being strong all the time, you know.”
Feeling so secure, and feeling yet another shiver of awareness at his touch, Lucy finally let her guard down. “To be honest, it’s been a hard few days. All the medical tests and terms are confusing. And Mattie, of course, was
naerfich
and afraid.”
“Anyone would be nervous and afraid, I think.”
“Well, let me just say that it’s a blessing you and your brother were here. I’ve been walking on eggshells around Mattie’s bald head. One minute it would seem like it didn’t bother her, then next it looked liked tears were going to flow at any minute. My way of dealing with it was to not mention it, I suppose. But I think Graham’s teasing helped her more.”
“She and Graham have been friends for a mighty long time. He always seems to know what is best for Mattie.”
“It seems like more than that . . .”
Calvin shook his head. “It’s not. They’ve never had any interest in anything other than friendship.”
“Sometimes things change.”
“Sometimes they do, but I don’t think their relationship will change much. They value their friendship, and that’s a
gut
thing.”
“You’re right about that.” Looking hard at Calvin, she said, “Are you ever going to talk to me about what happened between Gwen and Will?”
His grip tightened, then loosened as he visibly controlled his response. “There is nothing to say.”
“I’ve heard rumors, Calvin. Are you sure you are over her?”
For a few minutes, Calvin said nothing. Just stared out at the fields in front of them, lost in thought. Then he looked her way. “Gwen and I were courting for some time. Then one day, she handed me a note.”
“What did it say?”
“It said that she didn’t want me anymore, if you want to know the truth. It said that she and Will were happier with each other than she had been with me.”
“What did you do?”
“Me? Nothing.”
“You didn’t confront the two of them?”
“No. There was no need. What’s done was done.”
Her heart went out to him. She knew what it was like to count on something, just to have it all go sour. But, as she thought of how hard she’d tried with Paul, Lucy couldn’t help but feel that Calvin had given up too easily.
“Calvin, if you still love her, you should fight for her, don’t you think?”
“I don’t love her. Now that I think about it, I don’t think I ever did. And as for Will . . . well, I would never fight my best friend.” He got to his feet in a rush. “It’s all over, Lucy. It’s done. Gwen found someone else, and had found someone else for some time before she told me. She lied to me. So did Will. And when I discovered the truth, there was nothing left to do but to live with their decisions.”
He exhaled and started pacing. “Gwen and Will’s friendship are part of my past, not my future. And there’s no point complaining and wishing things were different. All I have to do is find a way to live with it.” He stepped away, his body matching the emotional distance that had formed between the two of them.
Still sitting, Lucy looked at his broad shoulders and straight back and thought about how strong he was. He was a man who could handle many burdens. But there was more to him than strength. He could be hurt, too. But instead of hurting back, he swallowed the pain.
“Calvin . . . ?”
After what felt like forever, he turned to her again. Lucy saw the tension in his face and knew he was waiting for her to tease him about being jilted.
Or to chide him about not sharing more of his feelings. But she knew all about hiding feelings . . . and having them discovered. And along the way, she’d also come to understand that keeping bad things hidden didn’t make them any easier to deal with.
It just made them harder to face.
Quietly, she stood up and crossed the short distance to him. “Though you came over here for Mattie’s sake . . . I’m glad you did. It was
gut
to see you today.” And because she was eager to touch him, to reassure, she pressed her hands to his upper arms. Just for a second. Just enough to show him that she cared.
Bit by bit, the wariness that had frozen his expression thawed and that longing she’d spied earlier reappeared. “I’m glad you are glad, Lucy.” Reaching out, he trailed his fingers down her arm. “I’m probably doing this all wrong—but I want you to know . . . I can’t seem to stop thinking about you.” A half smile formed on his lips as his fingers linked through hers again. “Or touching you.”
Daring to smile, she shook her head. She liked his touch. And she loved that he was thinking about her. After all, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him. “You aren’t doing this all wrong at all. For the first time, everything feels right.”
With care, Calvin wrapped his arms around her and enfolded her in a hug. His arms were loose, giving her space and the choice to step away.
But Lucy didn’t want to. Instead of moving away, she rested her head on his shoulder. Inhaling, she smelled his clean scent. Felt the muscles of his chest under her cheek.
And for the first time in days—or maybe it was years?—Lucy felt at peace.