Authors: Patrick McCabe
Then off went Philip waddling with the bread and her beside him in the headscarf chuckling with the bag so I said I'd have to call down and see them after that. I took a look in the window before I knocked on the door and it was nice in there with the fire tossing shadows round the room and a brass guard with a spray of pink flowers painted on it and on top of the mahogany piano Mrs Nugent in an oval frame. She was nice-looking Mrs Nugent when she was young, with a white rose pinned to her hair and cupid's bow lips like you'd see on an old time film star not like the bits of scribbles she had now. No headscarf or overcoat with big brown buttons then, oh no. Where did that old Mrs Nugent go? Don't ask me. And Mr Nugent, he was hanging on the other wall, smiling away in his tweed coat and stripey tie. You could see by him that he had a high-up job. He had that look in his eye that said I have a high-up job. He was staring off into the distance thinking about all the high-up things he was going to do and all the people he was going to meet. I don't know if he was English but he spoke like it. He said good afternoon when everybody else said
hardy weather
or
she looks like rain.
There was a wicker basket of lilies of the valley under the picture of John F. Kennedy. And on the music stand of the piano the ass and cart going off into the mountains of Emerald Gems of Ireland. It was a nice warm room with an amber glow that reached out to you and beckoned you in. Come on in, it said, so I thought maybe I would but then knock knock and out comes Mrs Nugent. She was a long way now from the rose in her hair all right. Cupid's bow lips! What a joke! She had on a raggy old apron with forget-me-nots scattered all over it and a heart-shaped pocket bulging with clothes pegs.
I had to laugh at the furry boots.
She must have been washing for she had on rubber gloves and was pulling at the fingers. A crinkly arrow appeared over her eyes in the middle of her forehead and she said what do you want. No she said what do
you
want? I could see in the hall. There was a barometer pointing to very hot some barometer that was. They say there's going to be rain Mrs Nugent I said, rubbing my hands together all business. That won't please the farmers. What do you want she said again. Then she said it
again
and I said nothing much just called down to see how Philip is getting on. Philip is very busy with his lessons, she said. I knew he was. He was always busy with his lessons, working things out. Investigating this and that. That was the kind of Philip. That's what I said to Mrs Nugent. Mr Professor, I said, always busy! Nugent said nothing. She was picking at one of the clothes pegs inside her pocket. Well that's the Christmas over now for another year Mrs Nugent I said but she said nothing to that. All over now, I said again, it'll be very quiet now till Patrick's day. Yes, she said.
I suppose you're glad to get it all over with, I said and folded my arms. I smiled. She picked little bits off the inside of her lip and said yes she was. Then she whispered goodbye now and made to close the door but I stuck my foot in the jamb and held it fast. Ah its for the kids really I said and sure its only once a year. Mrs Nugent wasn't so sure now what to do about that. Pick pick at the clothes peg. I just thought Philip might like to come out and have a few kicks of the ball. Me and him, Manchester United against the rest. Do you like Manchester United I asked her. Tommy Taylor and Denis Law. They're the best. The Munich Air Disaster I said. Did you ever see the like? The whole team Mrs Nugent. I seen it in the paper. All they found of Tommy Taylor was his boots. It was terrible I said. Terrible. I shook my head in dismay and Mrs Nugent must have thought it bad too for her eyes reddened and she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and a bit of her sleeve. When he comes back in to do his lessons after a few kicks he'll be right as rain.
Philip,
I called. I knew he was in the kitchen for he always did his lessons at the table the spectacles were on. It was just beside the television and sometimes Mr Nugent sat there with him and helped him puffing away on his pipe like an ad on the television himself.
Yes I like Maltan Ready Rubbed Flake says Mr Nugent!
with the big briar stuck in his gob. I called out but he didn't hear me that time either so I called again. A few kicks, I said. Are you coming? But still there was no sign so I thought maybe the comics would get him out. I have a whole load of new comics Philip I said. Can you hear me Phil? I said. It was good saying Phil like that. Yup, me and Phil we been old buddies for a lawwwwng time, that's what I said.
Dandy Beano Topper Victor Hotspur Hornet Hurricane Diana Bunty Judy
and
Commandoes
I said all in one breath and I was like a magician drawing an endless streamer of coloured bunting out of my mouth.
I'll tell you what Philip,
I said then,
I'll let you have all my Commandoes for all your Toppers now there's a fair deal what do you say Phil!
On account of
Commandoes
costing a shilling and
Toppers
only being tuppence you couldn't get a better deal than that. But still there was no sign of Philip so I had to go and say it all over again. Then what does Mrs Nugent say only please go away. Mrs Nugent I said, if you think I've come to rob Philip of his comics that's where you're wrong, I wouldn't do that. I just wouldn't do it. That's all over. That was supposed to be just a joke Mrs Nugent. Look -- I really am going to give Philip my
Commandoes.
Philip, I called. Then I said it yet again
Dandy Beano
and all that. What was Philip doing in there? Mrs Nugent's cheeks were all wet and her voice was shaky. I thought I'd cheer her up for she really thought I was going to rob Philip Nugent. Look Mrs Nugent I said I'm not going to rob him! I said it loud and clear so she would believe me. He can have every comic I ever collected. I'm serious Mrs Nugent. He can. The whole lot. I didn't care about comics any more. What did I care about comics? But Mrs Nugent still didn't believe me. She just sniffled and wouldn't look at me. Look Mrs Nugent I said and I got down on all fours on the tarmac. I made sure to get a bit inside the hall in case she shut the door on me and then I stuck out my face and scrunched up my nose and made my eyes as small as I could then I gave a big grunt. I thought that would cheer Mrs Nugent up. I looked up at her again. Snort. Then I laughed. What do you think of that Mrs Nooge? What a laugh it was. The more I snorted the more I laughed I really did think it was the best laugh ever especially when Philip appeared with his what's going on here face on.
Detective Inspector Philip Nooge of the Yard here!
At first Philip didn't know what to do you don't usually expect to come out of your kitchen and see a pig wearing a jacket and trousers crawling round your front step. He was standing there with a pencil behind his ear. There was a joke but I didn't say it. Did you hear about the constipated professor? He worked it out with a pencil. I was too busy watching Philip trying to work out a professor plan. Snort! And then Philip's face. I looked right up at him. A game of football. Me and you against the rest Philip what do you say? Then I gave another snort and poor Philip didn't know what end of him was up. Snort. Then off I went laughing again. Then what did Philip do only try to push me out of the hall. Ow, Philip I said, you're getting your fingers in my eyes. I could hear his heart beating from where I was. He stuck the sole of his shoe against my shoulder. Ow I said get your big boots off me, that hurt me Philip! Then ha ha again. You're too rough I'm not playing with you! I'm only joking. Mrs Nugent kept saying Philip Philip I don't know if she knew what she was trying to say. Which would you say is the best Philip I said. Denis Law or Tommy Taylor? Philip was down on his hunkers trying to shoulder me out the door and he was as red as a beetroot huffing and puffing away there. His pencil fell on the ground. I never saw such pushing and shoving. Philip would push one way then I'd push the other. Then it'd all start again. Mrs Nugent didn't do anything, all she did was stand there fiddling with the pegs in her apron pocket and I could see that Philip was on the verge of saying will you help me ma for God's sake but he had such good manners he didn't and what happened then whatever way he turned didn't he knock the wedding photo off the wall and crack down on the floor it with bits of glass all over the hall. Now look at what you did, she said, blaming Philip whatever she was blaming him for. Sure he couldn't help it if I was snorting around the place. Then he didn't know what he was at he starts to pick it up and she shrieks
mind the glass mind the glass you'll cut yourself
no I won't he says you will she says and then Philip starts getting all excited standing there with a handful of broken bits of glass. I gave a snort. That's pig language for watch yourself with the glass there Philip I said. Philip's forehead was wet with sweat and his eyes were more sad than frightened now.
I think it was him looking at me with them sad eyes that made me get up and say that was a good laugh but I think its about time I was back at the farmyard what do you say Mrs Nugent? But she said nothing only stood there twisting a clothes peg and saying please stop this please! Right you be now Mrs Nooge I said and hopskipped down the lane, I'll call back another day I said and I did.
And the reason I did that was because when I got to thinking about it back in the house I thought what am I worrying about Philip Nugent's sad eyes for? I had probably imagined it, he might even have been putting it on. The more I thought about it the more I said yes that's right he was just putting it on. Philip Nugent, I said to myself, you are a crafty devil, the way they say it in the comics. That old Philip Nugent, the trickster! So a couple of days later, back I went except this time I made sure they weren't in. I waited until I saw the car heading off down the lane I knew they were going to visit Buttsy up the mountains.
In I went through the back window hello Francie welcome to Nugents! Oh hello there nobody I said.
Dant-a dan! Welcome to Nugents Mr Francie Brady! Thank you I said, thank you very much. It gives me great pleasure to be here standing on these black and white tiles in the scullery, Mrs Nugent. Oh no not at all Francis we're delighted to have you. Now you must meet everyone. This is my husband and this is my son Philip but of course you know him. Except that really there'd be no fear of Mrs Nugent saying any of that she'd be on the phone to the sergeant straight away but oh no she wouldn't for she was up the mountains drinking tin mugs of tea with carrot-head Buttsy the brother in a cottage that stank of turf-smoke and horsedung. But Nugents didn't smell like that. Oh no. It smelt of freshly baked scones, that's what it smelt of. Scones just taken out of the oven that very minute. I went on the hunt for them but I could find them nowhere. I think it was just the smell of old baking days that had stuck to the place and she hadn't been making scones at all. No matter. Sniff sniff. Polish too there was plenty of that. Mrs Nugent polished everything till you could see your face in it. The kitchen table, the floor. You name it if you looked at it you were in it. You had to hand it to Mrs Nugent when it came to the polishing. Flies? Oh no, not in Mrs Nugents! And any cakes there were were all under lock and key where Mr Fly and his cronies couldn't get at them. You could see them in the glass case under plastic domes and there was a three-tiered stand with two pink ones and a half-eaten birthday cake on it. Those flies they must have been driven daft -- looking in at them beautiful cakes and not being able to get at them. I was myself so I knew what they must have felt like. I could have broken it open but I didn't want to spoil it they looked so good in there. I'd say she made all them herself. There was a photo on the wall of Mrs Nugent lying on the grass in a park somewhere. What came into my mind was that I never knew that Mrs Nugent had been young once as young as me. For a long time I thought she had been born the same age as she was now but of course that was stupid. In that photo she was about five. She was lying there with a big gap between her teeth and freckles all over her face like Buttsy. Hee hee she was saying to the camera. Good old Mrs Baby Nooge I thought. How many years ago was that I wondered. Could have been a hundred for all I knew. Mr Nugent's briefcase was sitting in the corner and his tweed overcoat was hanging up behind the door. I helped myself to some bread and jam and turned on the television. What was on only Voyage to The Bottom of The Sea, Admiral Nelson and his submarine gang they were getting a bad doing off a giant octopus that was hiding inside a cave where they couldn't get at him. He was a cute bastard sending out these big curling tentacles with suckers on them knocking the sub against rocks upside down and everything. All you could see was these two eyes shining away in the darkness of the cave as much as to say I have you now Mr smart alec navy men, let's see you work your way out of this one.
Dive! Dive!
snapped the admiral into a microphone but she wouldn't go down. The music was going mad.
Kill the bastard!
I shouted, I was getting excited too,
harpoon him that'll shut him up!
But the admiral wasn't as stupid as the octopus thought he was.
Right that's it all systems are go!
and the next thing these depth charges start hitting the octopus smack between the eyes boom and the squeals of him then. Pop pop out go the two eyes like lights and the tentacles flapping around like wasted elastic and the sub away up to the surface with the whole crew cheering and the admiral wiping the sweat off his face smiling OK everybody that's enough back to work. Then beep beep goes the echo sounder and away off they go happy as Larry and back to normal. Fair play to you admiral, I said, that shut him up. And it sure did, the octopus was lying at the back of the cave like a busted cushion and it would be a long time before he was suckering or tentacling again. I made myself a big mug of tea and another doorstep of bread and jam to celebrate. It was hard to beat it sitting there eating and enjoying myself. It was a grand day outside. There were a few skittery bits of cloud lying about the sky but they didn't care if they ever got anywhere. Birds, crows mostly, hanging about Nugents window sill to see what they could see. Well well look who's in there Francie Brady. He's not supposed to be in there. Hey crows I said, fuck off and that shifted them. Ah this is the life I said I wonder have we any cheese or pickle. We certainly had -- there it was in the brown jar in the fridge! And did it taste nice! It certainly did! Make no mistake -- I would definitely be staying at Nugents Hotel on my next trip to town.