Authors: Alex Coleman
“Yes,” I said. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these last few days and … yes, I’ve just worked it out.
”
I hoped he wouldn’t question me any further on this specific point. Bad enough that I had to admit to such a thing without having to declare that it had come to me as news from a third-party
.
“Really?
”
“Really. I’ve been kidding myself for years that the problem was with
you
, with
your
behaviour. But no. It’s me. It’s been me all along. Looking for reasons to be mad at you. Hence the … nagging.
”
He thought for a moment then moved on to a different element of my news. “Drunk driving … I can’t get my head round it. I knew there was something weird going on around then. It wasn’t just the mood you were in. It was the staying out of the car – the
walking
everywhere. The health kick or whatever you called it. We used to talk about it, Chrissy and me. You know what we came up with?
”
I shook my head
.
“We thought you had a disease,” he said. “You’d got some sort of terrible news from the doctor, a heart condition or something, and you were trying, too late, to get some exercise. It wasn’t a bad theory, really. It also explained why you were being such a fucking wasp.
”
“Nope.
Nothing
like
that.
The
whole
walking
thing
was
…
comical,
I
suppose.
Ridiculous.
I
didn’t
just
walk
to
the shops
or
places
I
had
to
go
to.
I
didn’t
think
that
was believable
enough.
So
I
used
to
go
out
in
the
evenings
too, remember?
In
my
new
runners
and
all.
Made
a
big
deal
of making
sure
you
and
Chrissy
saw
me
heading
off.
”
“That’s
right,
yeah.
Jesus.
I
never
knew
you
could
be
so
…
devious.
”
My mouth went dry. “I try not to make a habit of it.” Nothing more was said for a few moments
.
Then Robert asked, “So … were you already mad at me before Granny and Granda were killed? Or did you get mad afterwards?
”
“Well, I wasn’t
aware
of being mad you at all. But I suppose it was both. I was already mad and then it got much worse. It was a horrible few months, Robert. It would have been horrible even if the two things had been separate. But to have them linked up like that … I was all over the place.” He nodded. “Maybe that’s why you got that bloody job
.
Or part of the reason anyway.
”
“My
job
? What’s that got to do with it?
”
He
popped
a
shoulder.
“Just
wondering.
I’ve
never understood
it.
You
obviously
don’t
like
it.
Which
is
fair
enough.
Sounds
bloody
tedious
to
me.
You
don’t
need
the money,
do
you?
”
“No. Not really. It comes in handy, definitely. But that’s not why I started there.
”
“Why, then?
”
“It seemed like a good idea, that’s all. You kids were finishing school. I’d never had a real job, ever. I wanted something to do, I suppose. A new identity.
”
That was what I’d always told myself. But now that I thought about it, Robert seemed to have a point. Maybe it was just part of the larger crisis. It and the other thing
.
“Then there was Jonathon Mullen,” said Robert
.
My knees knocked together. Was he
reading
minds
now? “Sorry?”
“That was around then as well. And you got very involved there, didn’t you?
”
“What do you mean?” I asked, mouse-like
.
“I mean, you took it badly. I know he got better and all, but still. That’s fucking hard to watch. A sick child.
”
I nodded for all I was worth. “That’s true. It was tough.” In my desperation to change the subject, I blurted out, “And there was something else.
”
“Oh?
”
“Your Auntie Melissa and I fell out after Mum and Dad died.
”
“I know that. Over the wills.
”
“No. Not over the wills. Over my drink-driving. I told her about it. She wasn’t impressed, obviously, but she wasn’t particularly bothered. Then Mum and Dad …
”
“Right. The other driver –” “Yes.
”
“It all makes sense now. This was another thing me and Chrissy used to talk about. We couldn’t work out how you two could get in such a mess over Granny and Granda’s whatchacallit, estate. I mean, they weren’t exactly rich, were they?
”
“No. They sure weren’t.
”
He reached for a beer and took a hefty slug. “That must have been hard on you too. You used to be so close. But you and her seem to be all right now. You’re staying there and all …
”
“Yeah.
”
“So whats with the sudden thaw? Did she just forgive you out of the blue?
”
“Not only has she not forgiven me out of the blue, I don’t think she’s forgiven me at all. We were doing OK for a few days, yeah. But it went horribly wrong this morning. Things were said.
”
“What kind of things?” “Just … things.
”
He waited to see if I would add anything else and when I didn’t, said, “Ah, don’t sweat it. I’m sure you’ll make up tonight.
”
I didn’t feel like getting into the uncertainty of my sleeping arrangements. But he had given me a thought. Melissa would be my next stop
.
“Maybe you’re right.
”
“Course I’m right. She knows you’ve been through a lot
.
She’ll come round.
”
“Maybe … Robert, I have to ask you something.” “Yeah?
”
“Yeah. How come you’re not angry? Are you only pretending not to be? Because there’s no need. Shout away. I deserve it. I know I do.
”
His eyes twinkled at me. “Maybe I’ll get angry later, when I get over the shock. For now, I’m just … relieved. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not
congratulating
you on any of this. But at least now I know there was a reason for you turning on me. It’s a fucking ridiculous reason, but it’s better than nothing. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry I gave as good as I got.
”
That
last
bit
was
almost
too
much
for
me.
“Don’t
you
be apologising
for
God’s
sake,”
I
told
him.
“I
feel
bad
enough.” “Yeah,”
he
said
with
a
mock
frown.
“You’re
right.
I
take
it back.
Why
should
I
–”
He
was
interrupted
by
a
knock
on
the
door.
“Bogie.
Will
I
send
him
away
again?
”
This conversation had gone
better than
I could have dared to hope
.
Here was an opportunity for me to get out while I was still ahead
.
“Let him in,” I said
.
“
Come
in!
” Robert roared. “It’s open.”
Bogie entered. He was laden down with crisps and chocolate bars, enough for a children’s party
.
“Am I too early?” he said. “I can go out again.
”
“No,” I said, getting up. My legs felt like hollow tubes. “I’m off now. I’m sorry I turfed you out. Family business.
”
“Nil
desperandum,”
he
said.
“Here,
lookit,
I
got
you
a
Snickers.
You
look
like
a
Snickers
kind
of
girl.
”
I took the bar.
This
is
a
dream
, I thought.
You’ll
wake
up
in a
minute
. “Thanks.”
“I’ll walk you out to the car,” Robert said. “No need. You stay here.
”
“Sure?
”
“The beer’s not going to drink itself.
”
He stepped over to me. Our hug went on for quite a while. “Nice,” said Bogie
.
* * *
It
had
just
gone
nine
thirty
when
I
arrived
at
Melissa’s
.
Colm answered the door
.
“Jackie!” he said, more startled than delighted. “Hi.
”
We looked at each other for a moment. And then he seemed to suddenly remember where he was. “Come in, Christ, come in.
”
I followed him into the living-room where Melissa was sitting on the sofa. Niall was draped across her lap, his eyes half-closed, his mouth fully open
.
“Hello,” I said quietly
.
“Hiya.” She didn’t look at all surprised to see me. I guessed that she’d heard me at the front door and had used the warning period to compose herself
.
“He’s up late,” I said, nodding at Niall
.
“He had a bit of an episode,” Colm explained. “He got upset when he realised you’d gone and he set himself off.
”
“But I said goodbye earlier. He seemed all right then. Actually, he looked like he couldn’t have cared less.
”
“Well, he did care,” Melissa said sharply. Then to Colm: “And we’re not calling them episodes any more. They’re tantrums, that’s all.
”
Niall’s legs twitched. And then, without further warning, he sprang to life. His eyes flew open and with the agility of a gymnast, he launched himself into a sitting position. Melissa issued a muted “Ooof!” as the wind was knocked out of her. Niall looked around the room as if he’d never seen it before, finally settling his gaze on me
.
“You came BACK,” he said hoarsely and then threw himself off the sofa. He hit the ground running and had wrapped himself around my knees before I could even say hello. There was just no reading that little boy
.
“Come on,” Colm said to him. “Let’s go and get all tucked in.
”
“NO!” Niall hollered. “I want to stay UP!” Melissa groaned. She looked exhausted
.