The Brenda Diaries (2 page)

Monday, March 14:

Turned down the real estate office to work for Glenn this week. He’s slammed with tax stuff and clients who want to avoid paying them. When he gets this stressed, he starts to procrastinate and looks for excuses to get away from the office. Fine with me, I have a couple of errands he can drive me to.

Tuesday, March 15:

Glenn and Sherri are having an epic argument. Since I’ve sworn off texting for the day, I can’t share choice lines with Jared or Maya. What are they missing out on? Glenn: “I’m not a machine. You just can’t rub it and expect me to perform.” Sherri: “So you’re constipated! What do you want me to do about it?”

I’m so glad they don’t have children. 

Wednesday, March 16:

Sometime between yesterday and this morning, Glenn and Sherri made up. I’ve Lysoled the hell out my desk, chair and the surrounding area. While I’m happy they’re not fighting, I’m not in the mood to catch anything.

Thursday, March 17:

Now, don’t get me wrong I really like Maya. She’s a fun friend, but she’s a lousy roommate. She never fills the Brita pitcher after she pours herself a glass of water and she has no problem bursting into the bathroom to pee when I’m showering. Not only that, she expects to carry on a conversation while she’s emptying her bladder and I’m trying to shave my legs.

“Where are you going?” she asks with a yawn.

“Work.” I try to hide my bits and pieces even though Maya has already seen them all, but I feel weird shaving them in front of her. “You know that thing most people have to do to pay for their Starbucks?”

“Boring.” She yawns again, showing a mouthful of perfect teeth. “Let’s go out tonight. I need to meet a new boyfriend. And I know you’re way over due for one, too.”

“I’m seeing someone.” No use trying to keep it a secret. I have a feeling Maya is going to be sticking around for a while. “And he has a huge dick. But not gross huge, just big.”

“That’s a good start. What kind of car does he drive?” Maya is willing to put up with a lot from a guy if he drives the right kind of car. “If you tell me it’s a Prius, I’ll strangle you with a pair of your sad tights.”

“God, Maya, I can’t put into words how much I’ve missed you. You really are the sister my parents always threatened I’d end up with.”

“Fuck you, Brenda.” She wipes and looks at me, her hand inching toward the trip lever.

“Don’t you dare, you bitch,” I say.

Maya smiles at me, flushes the toilet and for offering her the comfort of my home, I get a blast of cold water. 

Friday, March 18:

My dreams of spending a quiet weekend with my newly installed washer/dryer unit aren’t going to come true unless I can convince Maya and Jared to fall in love with each other and leave me the hell alone.

Saturday, March 19:

Spent the day with Jared and I spent $135.47 on a dress from Anthropologie. Paid retail, but I’m positive it will go on sale within the price adjustment window. Everything was going fine until he suggested we think about getting a pet. He doesn’t even know my middle name and he already wants to share custody of a living thing? I’m starting to wonder about him.

Sunday, March 20:

Have decided what I need in life is side job. Friend of a friend knows of someone who’s looking for a tutor for their kid. Pay is supposed to be good and under the table. Walking out with cash in my pocket makes me feel like a glamorous call girl without having to deal with someone else’s bodily fluids.

Monday, March 21:

Honeymooning receptionist has refused to come back to work at the real estate office. She and her new husband are going to open a surf school/bed and breakfast in Costa Rica. Good for her and good for me since I get to work here until they find her replacement. Bridget used her power as office manager to up my rate a whole dollar an hour and has also coughed up a parking pass while she interviews aspiring receptionists. I’ve politely declined an invitation to vie for the job. It’d take a lot more than an extra buck and free parking to make me give up my career as a temp extraordinaire.

Tuesday, March 22:

My tutoring interview went great last night. If there’s one thing I know how to do, it is talk my way into a job. I didn’t meet the kid whose mind I’d be expanding—he was at a friend’s or maybe upstairs sleeping. Neither the parents seemed to know, but they laughed it off. I laughed too when they offered me $20 above what I was ready to accept.

Wednesday, March 23:

I’m in the ladies room, in the stall furthest from the door taking a call a from frantic Summer. I don’t usually take calls while I’m working, but Summer texted that there was an emergency.

“Say you’ll do it. Please, Brenda. My butt is on the line. You don’t want me to get fired, do you?”

“No, of course not.” I really don’t. Summer is the only rep I’ve worked with at TempOne and I like her as a person, but this is kind of a major screw-up on her part. She’s confirmed me for two jobs and she’s trying to keep her supervisor from finding out. “They’re both great jobs, one is for an event planner so she only needs you after 6 and you get to go to parties!”

“Fine, I’ll do it but, you have to bump up my rate to make up for the extra gas I’ll be using to get from one to the other.” As much as I like Summer, I still have to watch out for myself.

“Consider yourself bumped. I’ll email you the  details right now. Thanks, Brenda!”

I scurry into the corner of the toilet stall when someone opens the bathroom door to come in.

“Hey, it’s me. I totally got it.” It’s one of the potential receptionists. She doesn’t bother to check if anyone is around before she makes a call on her cell. “I start on Monday. Health benefits start immediately…. No. I didn’t…. They don’t need to know I’m going to need to go on maternity leave in seven months.”

Add lies and deception to the drama and intrigue of real estate peddling.

Thursday, March 24:

You know what’s a bad idea? Wearing khaki pants and a red polo shirt to Target. It wasn’t me who wore this regrettable outfit, but Jared, my almost boyfriend. Maya was out looking for another married man to get involved with and we had my place to ourselves so we wanted to get busy. But it’s kind of hard to get busy when a friend, especially one you can’t stand, jacks all your condoms. Guess Maya had her evening all planned out, even if it came at the expense of mine. And that’s why she’s known as the Sluthammer.

So off to Target we went, which I needed to do anyway. I forgot how much TP girls go through and Maya is always peeing. It’s like her hobby or something. I like Target. I’d work there if I didn’t have to deal with people like me. Plus, I had coupons for all sorts of essentials like deodorant and toothpaste. Even with the whole sex-interuptus, my night was looking like it might turn out to be a good one.

Of course, Jared had to ruin things by trying to hold my hand telling me it was our first real domestic errand we’d ever run together. I pretended not to hear him, like I usually do when he says something dumb, but he took my silence to mean he should keep talking. He yaps more than most of my girlfriends and those bitches never shut up. Anyway, he said we should take our relationship to the next level and brought up adopting a dog again. Like he wants us to be the Brad and Angie of the canine world or something.

This is when an older lady tapped him on the shoulder and asked him where she could find the fiber supplements. Jared is a loser, but he is polite and he told her to try near the antacids two aisles over. Then someone asked him to reach for the last box of tampons, way back on the top shelf. While he was going for Target employee of the year, I grabbed a box of condoms, going for the cheapest brand until I realized I value my vagina more than a 40 cent price difference.

By the time we got home, I wasn’t in the mood for anything or his company. Being that I’m not a totally cold, heartless bitch, I made him some microwave popcorn and let him watch
The Daily Show
before kicking him out. So that was my night, which makes me wonder why I woke up to an open box of jimmies on my nightstand.

Friday, March 25:

More real estate office drama between Daniel and Marcia. This time Daniel accused Marcia of trashing him on facebook. Marcia didn’t deny it and she also added that Daniel had been sleeping with the receptionist. Not me—the one who’s on a permanent honeymoon. Daniel called Marcia “a dried up bitch” and said her chances of selling a townhouse or landing a man were lower than zero. Marcia then pointed out his botched hair plugs weren’t fooling anyone and said she’d let him have her next sale so he could get them fixed. They were separated before any crotch punches could be thrown.

Someone who had been in another bathroom stall clued in the office manager about the woman who is supposed to start on Monday and her fetus situation. They’re not going to make her a job offer and she’s been calling to find out what’s going on. The office manager is pressuring me to come back next week, but I can’t (I have two other jobs to work) and I don’t want to come back.

I can’t take all the drama.

Saturday, March 26:

Maya has been giggling and gushing over the guy she met last night. She’s convinced he’s “the one.” Of course, this one is also married, making him one of many married men who Maya has fallen in love with. I’d feel sorry for him and maybe even consider warning him, but if he’s old enough to get married, he should know enough to not cheat on his wife.

Sunday, March 27:

Juggling two temp assignments starting tomorrow. Whatever I wear in the morning has to work for both. It’s not the first time I’ve pulled a double and, even though I sort of remember saying I’d never do it again, I couldn’t say no to either. Both pay at the tippy top of my rate scale and I’m willing to not dig too deep as to why.

Monday, March 28:

I’ve found out why lawyer Theo doesn’t have a permanent assistant—no one will work for him and he’s only in the Century City office one or two weeks a month. The rest of the time he’s in New York. It’s easier for HR to book a temp then deal with trying to find someone who can put up with him.

After putting in a full day working for him, I dashed over to Brentwood to work for Constance, a premier event planner. Or, rather, to take orders from the clones who take orders from her. I haven’t actually met or even seen Constance, but I’ve heard her yelling in her upstairs office.

I’ve been stuffing gift bags for a fancy luncheon and after I’m done with these I have to alphabetize name tags and place cards. Easy work, but her screaming does make me nervous.

One of the assistants, Keelin—a nice Irish girl who really needs to lay off the Red Bull—said I’m doing brilliantly and I’m the best she’s ever seen. She’s putting me on gift bag duty for the rest of the week. Yay, me?

Tuesday, March 29:

I don’t usually buy into stereotypes, but the one about lawyers being rude seems to be true. This job is straight desk babysitting and while I don’t have to worry about learning anything new, I do have to deal with lawyers. They like to make things more complicated than they have to be just because their big brains get paid $300 an hour to think of a way to screw people over.

“This has to be messengered before lunch.” Theo drops a file on the desk. He’s really tall and skinny. Not thin, but skinny. He’s balding, but has a good haircut. That’s the only nice thing I can say about him. “If they can’t pick it up within the hour, you’ll have to take it yourself.”

“Of course,” I say. My lip curls as I watch him walk into his office and slam the door. “I can deliver it on my hands and knees if you want.”

His door swings open. “What was that?”

I smile, waving the file at him like it’s a lace hankie and I’m about to take a very long voyage on a luxury steamer ship. Rude people, next to willfully stupid people, are my least favorite to deal with.

The phone rings, I answer it, take a message and then slip it under the door for Theo to read. He hates voicemail. He also hates children, cold coffee, his mother, his wife in New York and his clients. Things Theo does like: his girlfriend in Studio City, triple grande lattes, colored paper clips, yellow highlighters and screaming at people.