The Boundless Sublime (33 page)

I didn’t have any answers, but I knew one thing.

It was time for me to leave the Institute.

18

You are free to leave
. That was what Daddy had always said, but now I knew it wasn’t true. There was no way Daddy was going to let me walk out the front gate of the Institute and return to the real world. Not after everything I’d seen.

I had to plan. I had to be careful.

And I had to make sure nobody suspected anything.

So I played the game. I worked with Lib in the warehouse, sticking labels on bottle after bottle of water. I spoke seriously of the Quintus Septum at Family Time. And I sat at Daddy’s feet each morning during Daddy’s Hour and stared up at him with unwavering sincerity.

It wasn’t difficult. Daddy’s stories were as arresting as always. His words as profound. The stillness and peace I’d always found during Daddy’s chanting was still within my reach.

I went about my duties. I ate my meagre few mouthfuls of salted quinoa. I took my daily supplements.

Every evening at Family Time, I feared Daddy would ask me to join him in the Sanctum. I wasn’t eighteen yet, but would Daddy really care about a few months? I knew that he would choose me, sooner or later, and that I wouldn’t be able to turn him down.

Each night I lay awake, trying to figure out how to get away. How to give myself enough time to escape.

How would I do it? I could wait for a new mission to come up – chances were there wouldn’t be another casino mission, but perhaps there’d be something else. Another round of Hush-Hush that I could volunteer for. Then I could leave, slip away into the darkness and never return.

But as the days passed, it became clear that Daddy wasn’t letting anyone in or out. The danger was too great, he said. The Quintus Septum was moving quickly, taking over every facet of society. They had infiltrated the government, the military, the media. Nowhere was safe from their surveillance, except for behind the walls of the Institute.

I had to find another way. I had to get over the wall.

I made mental maps of drainpipes and gutters, and other structures I could scramble on. I realised I’d have to find a way onto the warehouse roof first. There was a point at the back corner that was only a metre or so from the wall separating it from the building next door. I was pretty sure I could jump the distance, although if I slipped and fell I’d be lucky to get away with a few broken bones. Once over the wall, I could run down the street to the apartments on the corner, knocking on doors until someone answered, and get them to phone my mum, or the police.

But it was so risky. Nobody was allowed out of their rooms after Family Time. Lib and Welling patrolled the hallways for hours each night to make sure everyone was safe in bed. If they caught me, I’d be hauled before Daddy immediately. And then he’d know. He’d know I’d betrayed him. That I’d given in to doubt. That I’d failed.

I told myself that I needed more time to plan.

I couldn’t let anyone guess that I had doubts. I had to become more devout. I cut my already tiny meals in half, and spent every spare moment I had training myself.

I let the days slip by.

I would leave, I told myself. I just had to wait for the right time.

Two weeks after I’d broken into the Inner Sanctum, I still had no plan. I felt weak with indecision, as if my body anticipated leaving the Institute and was already starting to betray me.

Could I really leave?

Had I been mistaken about what I’d seen in Daddy’s desk?

Maybe there was an explanation. Maybe Maggie and Fox had given Daddy their treasures.

And what was I going to do, once I’d escaped? Where was I going to go? I had no idea what I’d find at home. Was I going to go back to school? Go back to hanging out at the Wasteland with Minah and the others, like nothing had happened?

I couldn’t imagine that. I couldn’t imagine going back to the person I’d once been. She didn’t exist anymore. She’d been erased, extinguished during my long days incarcerated in the tiny locked room.

‘Heracleitus.’

Daddy’s eyes were upon me, his smile light, his voice casual. But his words were like the clanging of a great leaden gong in the pit of my belly.

I’d put it off too long.

Daddy had chosen me.

My mind screamed out in resistance, but my body obeyed, rising steadily to my feet. I ducked my head and smiled with the shy, happy modesty I knew Daddy would approve of. I saw relief flash over Ash’s face.

I followed Daddy across the courtyard. Val followed a few steps behind.

‘Go and elutriate your body, Heracleitus, and change into your nightgown,’ Daddy said. ‘Then meet me in the Sanctum.’

I nodded, numb.

Daddy went inside, and I walked around the side of B Block to the bathroom, where I splashed cold water on my hands and face. Val waited outside, a mountain of implacable silence.

Wake up, Heracleitus. Think of something. Do something.

I made my way back to my little room, Val shuffling behind me. He waited in the corridor again, and I wondered if many women tried to run at this point.

I changed into my nightgown. My body was shaking, and I couldn’t control it. Each time I closed my eyes I pictured Daddy’s perfectly manicured fingernails. Imagined his hands on me. His eyes. His mouth.

My room was suddenly tiny.

I couldn’t do it. I had to leave. But Val was outside.

I remembered him drinking from Daddy’s flask. He hadn’t hesitated. Not for a second. How could I escape now? Val would pick me up like a rag doll and take me to Daddy.

Wouldn’t he?

Val had brought me food, when I was imprisoned. I’d assumed that Daddy had told him to, but the more I thought about it, I realised that Val had acted of his own accord. He had given Fox his copy of
Les Miserables
. I remembered the Monkey crunching snow peas in a shadowy corner. It was the same Monkey that I saw around, hiding. The one with the cicada husk in her hand. The one who had told me when I could get into the Sanctum without Daddy noticing.

I yanked open the door to my room.

‘Who is she?’ I asked Val. ‘Is she family? Your daughter?’

Val stared at me, his scarred face expressionless. He shook his head faintly.

‘You save your food for her,’ I said. ‘She … she means something to you. She’s special.’

Val said nothing.

‘You know what he’s going to do to me, right? When I go in there?’

Val inclined his head in the slightest nod.

‘He’ll do it to her,’ I said. ‘Maybe not soon. But one day, when she’s older. Will you stand outside her bedroom door? Will you deliver her to him?’

I saw the scars on Val’s skin shift as his jaw clenched.

‘Let me go,’ I said. ‘And I promise I’ll help her. I’ll get her out of here. Find her a real family. Just let me go, and wait a few minutes before you tell Daddy. Okay?’

Val’s eyes met mine, and I saw guilt and pain. We stared at each other for a long moment, then Val’s gaze dropped down to the floor. His head bobbed in a nod, and he turned and lumbered off down the corridor.

I reached under my mattress and found the photo of Fox and his mother, tucked it into the back of my underwear, then headed out of B Block and into the night.

It was overcast, the nearby streetlights reflecting off the clouds and casting a dim orange glow on the buildings of the Institute. I shivered through my thin cotton nightgown, and wished I’d had the sense to put shoes on. I kept to the shadows, but there was no one about. Everyone was still in the warehouse for Family Time.

I had no plan. After all those weeks of thinking about leaving, I still had no plan. My idea of scaling the warehouse and jumping across to the wall was ridiculous. I’d slip and kill myself. There had to be another way. I found myself
heading to the steel roller door that led out to the road. Maybe someone had left it open. It was worth checking.

A rumbling sounded nearby, and a wash of light swept over the wall from outside. I froze, terrified. Had we been infiltrated by the Quintus Septum? Were we under attack?

But I didn’t believe in the Quintus Septum. Not anymore.

Did I?

I looked around carefully, scouring every dark corner and shadow. There was nothing. No movement. No evidence of an invasion. Nothing.

The light dimmed, and the rumble faded. It had just been a car driving past. I let out the breath I didn’t realise I’d been holding, and took another few steps forward. The roller door was closed, but maybe there was a button or chain.

I reached out and brushed my fingers against the brick wall that separated me from freedom. I was so close. I looked up for the box that controlled the roller door, and my heart sank as I remembered Daddy opening it for my Hush-Hush mission. He’d used a key.

I heard voices as people started to drift away from the warehouse, heading to bed. Panic rose in my throat. I didn’t have much time. Soon, Daddy would realise that I wasn’t coming. Maybe Val had already told him. Maybe it was too late.

I reached down and tugged at the bottom of the roller door, but it didn’t budge.

‘We’ll be very sad to see you go.’

I spun around.

Daddy was there, in the middle of the car park, watching me silently, the faint light glinting off his glasses. My blood ran cold.

Where had he come from? Why hadn’t I heard him? How long had he been there, watching me? My heart hammered.
Was I really going to defy him? I could give in, go back, forget about all my doubts. Forget everything I’d seen. I’d be safe here. Nothing had to change.

But everything had already changed.

I couldn’t go back.

‘I’m leaving,’ I told him, and was surprised at how confident I sounded. ‘You can try to stop me, but—’

Daddy moved towards me. I felt my muscles tense, ready to run. He didn’t look angry. His brow was wrinkled in concern, but his face was gentle. He raised his hands, as if in surrender. In his left hand there was a bunch of keys. He reached up, inserting a key into the roller door lock and turning it.

The door groaned and clanked as it slowly ascended.

‘I’m not going to stop you, Heracleitus,’ Daddy said. ‘Nobody is forcing you to be here. If you want to leave, you should leave.’

Was this a trick? More mind games? I hesitated. Beyond the gate, the road was dark and deserted.

‘I’d be lying if I said my feelings weren’t hurt,’ said Daddy with a rueful shrug. ‘But you should do what is right for you. You’re an extraordinary creature, Heracleitus, and I wouldn’t dream of interfering with your chosen path. I’m sure you’ll achieve great things.’

‘Thank you,’ I said automatically, my mind whirling. Was it really going to be this easy?

I took a step forward, and another, waiting for Daddy to reveal his trump card. Surely he had something up his sleeve? Some last trick? But as I crossed the threshold Daddy turned the key back the other way, and the roller door began to judder down. He watched me as it descended between us, his face as calm and expressionless as if I were heading off to the shops for bread and milk.

‘Good luck, Heracleitus,’ he said, barely raising his voice over the noise of the roller door. ‘Please give your mother my very best regards.’

The gate hit the concrete with a loud boom. I heard Daddy’s shoes crunching on the gravel as he made his way back into A Block, and for a moment I wondered if I’d made a terrible mistake, if being locked out was worse than being locked in. Which was the real prison, anyway?

Ahead of me, orange street lamps lit the road to the corner, then the world faded to nothing, swallowed up in the dark of the night. I felt paralysed by fear. What was waiting for me down that road? Home? My family? Or was it the Quintus Septum? Would I be taken and tortured for the Institute’s secrets?

I began to walk, stepping quietly between pools of orange light. I listened for footsteps behind me, convinced that Daddy would send someone in pursuit. But there was nothing.

Why hadn’t he tried to make me stay? Daddy loved me. He thought I was extraordinary. So how could he let me leave?

Because you’re not extraordinary. You’re nothing. You let him down. You betrayed him. He doesn’t love you anymore.