The Body Language Rules (13 page)

the way he looks and speaks to everyone else

in your group . The urge to smile will intensify

with time . Men usually attempt to suppress these

smiles, so expect to see a struggle going on with

the mouth .

I he'll feel a deep desire to check your body out once he's estab-

lished his eye-buzz credentials . A top-to-toe sweep is

a giveaway .

I his next job is to single you out and separate you from the

group . He'll gradually get closer and begin to stand

in a position that starts to cut you off from the

room, so that he gets your undivided attention .

I Don't expect early touch but do expect intentional touching .

This is a public signal involving placing an arm

on the bar behind your back or your chair, not

touching but mimicking a hug .

I Or he might get playful, doing joke hitting . This is part

of the sexual touch exploration ritual . It is really

only appropriate once you start to get to know one

another . Anyone who uses play-hits as a pick-up

should be avoided .

how To Tell if she likes you

I The eye-buzz is the same for both sexes--expect that first

gaze to be held marginally longer than normal . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 173

I She will then look away in a downward direction, pause, then

look back at you . This is a shyness display that once

would have signified virginity .

I She will face soften, possibly smiling although possibly not right

in your direction .

I most girls will do a quick grooming audit, touching their hair or

clothing quickly .

I Postural echo can occur at this stage . You might find you're

both moving in a synchronized way .

I She might also try a more extreme form of mating call, like

laughing extremely loudly or flicking her hair all over the place .

I Watch for the slight arching of the spine as she holds herself

upright .

I When you talk, expect increased eye-gaze plus some lip

licking .

I girls are very good at marking their territory to signal to the

other girls that a guy's taken . This will involve some

very fleeting form of touch, possibly on the arm or

shoulder . If she picks a thread or speck off your top

she's being intensely possessive .

I Tapping or patting your arm or leg might increase if she thinks

she's not getting enough of a response .

how To Tell if They'Re noT inTeResTed

I They turn away after the first glance .

I Their facial expression doesn't change . 174 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I They create more barriers, either folding their arms or raising

their wine glass to chest or chin height .

I Their eyes continue to scan the room while you're talking to

them .

I Their eye-gaze moves toward the door in an intentional

gesture .

I They begin to face touch, signaling anxiety or boredom .

I Their smile begins to look stretched and fake .

I Their torso turns away from your direction .

I The classic wisdom is that she'll cross her legs away from you if

she's not interested . This isn't always accurate though .

Girls recross their legs to be comfortable . Also, if

you're sitting side by side, crossing her legs away

could mean her pelvis moves closer to you .

I Ditto with the direction his or her toes are pointing . This isn't

exactly a "take it with a pinch of salt" theory but

eye-gaze is a better indicator of interest .

hOW TO FLIRT When your eyes connect, then you register the first stages of attraction . Once you get into conversation, the eyes will still be the main affecters .

One of the best forms of flirting is to use active listening signals . There's no huge sex display involved but it does begin the ritual of sealing you off from other people and creating a sense of being a couple . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 175

The techniques are easy as they're very similar to nonsexual listening signals, with one extra and very important point . Use eye-gaze as you listen and combine it with all the nodding and mirroring we've discussed in earlier chapters, but add one more dramatic eye gesture: once you've held the eye-gaze for a certain amount of time, allow your eyes to drop down to the speaker's lips for a second or two . Soften your facial expression . This will register genuine attraction and a desire to kiss .

When you first pair off, your eye-gaze will be tentative . As you fall in love and lust it intensifies to the point where it almost looks obsessive . You'll sit in pubs, clubs, and restaurants gazing into each other's eyes in an attempt to plumb the depths of his or her brain .

As the relationship becomes stable your gaze will direct outward more, letting other people know you're an estab- lished couple and accepting visitors again . You'll still eye check as you speak, though, often inviting your partner to join you in the conversation or checking his or her reactions constantly . This defines a state of couple depen- dency . It can be hugely annoying for friends, who wonder why the confident person they knew is suddenly having to refer back to their partner constantly with checking phrases like "We did, didn't we?"

Sadly, as a relationship goes long term, eye-gaze and face watching decreases, often to a point where it barely 176 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

exists at all . This is the point where you know your partner as well as you know yourself and so stop checking for changes . This is also known as the point where you take him or her for granted . It can often get to the stage where one may say to someone outside the relationship, "My partner doesn't understand me ."

Eye-gaze is vital for a healthy and happy long-term relationship . It's a performed part of the workplace culture, so imagine the impact of being face watched at work, which is like a stroke to the ego, then not watched at home, which feels like being ignored .

Watching and looking at your partner is also sexually stimulating for men and women . You fell in love and lust with what you saw . When you stop looking you stop doing foreplay .

FIRST-STAge TOUch I've mentioned the powerful technique of touch testing in the previous chapter . Although this technique applies to life in general, it will be a vital step in your mating rituals, too .

Touch testing means working from social to sexual touch in stages and checking at each stage to see if it's accepted and reciprocated . This is a natural process during meeting, dating, and mating, but just because it should be a "natural" ritual doesn't mean it's easy to do . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 177

Think of all your first touch encounters as exploration . There's the standing joke where a young guy sits in a cinema on a first date and pretends to yawn and stretch so that he can place an arm around the girl's shoulders . He then has to keep that arm on the back of the seat until he can pluck up courage to place it on her body .

Although this scene might make you laugh, it should also sound familiar . Apart from the earliest days of a sexual and love relationship, where almost no touch is taboo and sexual approach is welcomed at any time, all touch works on a traffic light system .

I Touch-test your way from the first stages of touch . Be tuned

in to your potential partner's responses . Look for a

genuine smile or reciprocal touch . If he or she stops

moving or becomes overcongruent--for example,

giggling--you need to take it as a potential red

light . It can be a sign of embarrassment .

I Start with social touch first . If your partner isn't inter-

ested he or she will find it easier to turn you down

and you won't lose face .

I Social touch during a conversation (not to be used on total

strangers, but proceed with an amber light once you've gotten

into a sociable and mutually acceptable conversation!) can

include a light touch on the hand, arm, or back .

I Steering touch can signal the first tie-signs . This would

mean touching an elbow to steer through a 178 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

crowd, or placing your arm behind the back for

the same purpose .

I Loud music in a club can induce more intimate social touch than

would be acceptable anywhere else . It means even very

first meetings can include facial proximity as you

yell in one another's ears, plus shoulder or even

torso touch .

I Dancing is a ritual that was often used to create quite intimate

stages of touch, but in a formal way . Ballroom existed

in an era when stranger touch would have been

very restricted and even kissing might have taken

several dates to achieve . Dances like the waltz or

foxtrot involved the possibility of torso-touch, but

to keep it all above board the hands are employed

in a very formal manner .

I Dance rituals have strong links to animal mating rituals .

Modern dance is more about sexual display than

touch as couples tend to dance apart, but there

are still several gestures of touch intention, where

touch is mimed, or some moments of touch followed

by separation, mimicking the touch-test rituals of

sexual approach .

I The second stages of sexual touch involve what are still subtle

displays, although the effect and intentional signaling is more

intense . These touches include fleeting face-touch D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 179

("You have an eyelash on your cheek"), wrist or

inner arm touch ("Can I smell your scent?"), or

more prolonged hand touch, usually accompanied

by more intense bouts of eye-gaze .

I Stage three will often involve "ownership" rituals . This is

where someone (often the female) begins to mark

her territory by using touch to let other females

know the man she's with is taken . This usually

means grooming touch like smoothing a collar, for

example, or picking a hair off his jacket .

I Stage four will move into exclusive touch, the kind of touch that

has no going back as you can't pretend it was anything other

than a sexual advance, like thigh touch, mouth touch, or more

prolonged torso-touch .

InSTAnT ATTRAcTIOn To create the belief that we've fallen in love the instant we first meet, nature also makes us perform two more subconscious rituals that can be effectively aped in a more conscious manner .

I Torso alignment . To create a feel of instant karma, get

your body facing his or hers front on, even across

that crowded room .

I Postural echo . Never underestimate the power of like-

minded body signs . 180 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Both these techniques are easy to do and much less risky to perform than all those hair-tossing, leg-rubbing, flirting rituals .

cLOSIng The DeAL It's no coincidence that the most popular first date is a meal for two in a cozy restaurant, or that there will be some form of dancing together prior to actual sex . Although several signals of attraction will be aimed at patterns of behavior that have existed since your childhood (simply put, we can tend to be more attracted to people who resemble our opposite-sex parent in many subtle or more obvious ways) or mating potential and the production of healthy stock (nice teeth, hair, and body shape, for example) or even the ability to protect (good bank balance or muscles), we will also be corre- lating information about bedroom behavior . In the early days of a relationship it can be considered brash to make verbal inquiries: "Do you like to dominate?" "Are you into gentle or rough sex?" "Is your technique profes- sional or are you inexperienced?" "Will you be generous or self-centered?" but by watching a potential partner attack a plate of food or get boogying away on the dance floor there might be a barrel load of information that we can tune into . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 181

eATing

I If you're a messy eater you could imply you're messy or clumsy

in bed .

I If you take a hands-on approach--like picking the food up

or licking your fingers--you'll look like something of a sex

maniac, someone who enjoys their sex but doesn't care much

how they get it .

I If you burp or make noises you'll come across as the sort who

farts in bed and thinks it's funny .

I If you eat quickly you'll register as an instant gratification type,

someone who pounces but for whom it's all over in a flash .

I If you save the best bits to last, eating slowly and carefully,

you'll come across as a delayed gratification type, someone

who treats sex as a skill, with slow-build pleasure .

I If you eat food off your partner's plate you can either seem

predatory and possessive or interested in your own needs in bed .

I If you make slurping noises you'll look like an uninhibited

lover, but not necessarily in a good way .

I If you eat greedily your dinner partner might assume that sex is

off the menu that night anyway . You're too busy filling up

your stomach to compete in any sexual Olympics .

I If you're picky and leave lots of food you'll hint that you find sex

distasteful and could be worried about messing up your hair .

I If you're analyzing the menu to check for allergies and organic

provenance you'll seem like the type of person to demand a full

medical certificate before you even kiss goodnight . 182 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

dAnCing Dancing is probably the nearest thing to sex, which is why being a very bad dancer can be a huge turn-off . Although women will have an instinctive aversion for men who dance like a dad, they also have a deep distrust of men who twirl around the floor with too much conviction . The first will imply poor sexual technique and choreog- raphy and the second will suggest vanity and a little too much experience .