The Blueprint (16 page)

“I’m a librarian,
” Lily answered from the matching couch across from her sister.

Dani laughed and smoke poured from her mouth.  “Of course, you are.  Libraries are great places to hide.  I should have known you’d still be buried inside books just like when you were a kid.”  She
took another long draw from her cigarette and exhaled to the side.  “Librarians can’t make very much money; someone must be helping you pay the bills.” Dani watched, expecting a glimpse of denial or shame in her sister's answer. 

“I support myself and have since college.  I won a scholarship, but I had to work to make spend
ing money.  I got hired on full-time last year.”  Lily knew her sister was digging for something other than her occupation, but wasn’t sure what.  Their exchange had felt like a game since the moment she was let inside.  She refused to play, ignoring that sibling urge to escalate the situation.  

“You support yourself. 
Huhh. Well, that’s progress.”  She put out her half-used cigarette and unfolded her legs.  “That’s hard to believe, considering you’ve always needed help before.” 

Lily’s temper lit
.  How could her sister know what buttons to push even after all this time?  Lily was very proud of the life she’d created for herself without help, and now that achievement was under attack.  She snapped, “I was ten last time you saw me.  Most ten year olds need a little help.”

“I didn’t,” Dani smirked and held Lily’s stare
.  Neither would deny Dani’s extreme responsibilities, raising herself and her younger sister.

Delighted by her
victory, Dani celebrated with another cigarette.  “Look, I have to warn you that we only have a short while to talk.  Victor called before you arrived and he’s decided to spend the weekend in the city.   He doesn’t like for me to have company.  So you’ll need to leave before he gets here.”

Lily
followed the conversation's turn. “Is Victor your husband?”

“Not yet, but he’s promised once his kids get a little older he’ll divorce that bitch he’s with now and marry me.”  She forced a l
augh and continued her practiced explanation.  “He doesn’t love her, but it’s complicated.  See, Vic is a big shot around here.  He’s an important businessman and might even make a run for public office so it’s best that he keeps that happy family image going.  This is his place and I take care of it while he’s away.”

“I see
,” Lily said, adding a nod and another glance toward the view.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Dani spat.  She stood and paced the room.  “Don’t you dare judge me,
sister
!  No one handed me a free ride to college.  You have no idea how hard my life has been.  I’ve had to sacrifice my soul to get here.”  She stopped, gripped the back of the couch, and spilled years of pent-up rage. “You can’t know what it was like to work those clubs and be pawed at day and night.  Victor took me away from all of that.  He pays the bills so I don’t have to work anymore.  And he doesn’t share me with anyone.  I’m not going to let what you or anyone else thinks ruin this for me.”

“Dani, I didn’t…”

“My name is Danielle,” she growled.  “Dani’s dead.  She died when the night watchman at the home raped me in the supply closet on my way to
your
room.” 

“I didn’t know.  I’m sorry…  I…  That’s why you left!”  Lily sat stunned, frustrated by the inadequacy of her words, paralyzed by the clues her sister hurled at her like missiles.

“I knew it!  That’s why you looked for me.”  Dani’s tone swung from irate to condescending as she posed triumphantly on the arm of the couch and resumed control of her emotions.  “Poor baby sister wants to know why I left, why I didn’t keep my promise.”  Her blue contacts bore into Lily’s uncertain gaze.  “I left for the same reason our parents left.  It was time to take care of myself for a change and stop babysitting you.”  She paused to examine her manicure.  “Running from that monster who raped me was only part of it.  I was planning to leave anyway.” 

Lily remained silent, looking past Dani and her pretense of indifference.  Because she remembered her sister’s talent for
bullying, this scenario was one she’d already imagined minus the details.  The imagining had toughened her to the sting of her sister’s verbal blows.

"Considering you've come all this way, the least I can do is give you the details,
sister
."  Dani waited for Lily's full attention, but when her sister wouldn't look at her, she recited her story anyway.  "I never told you how I was able to sneak into your room every night.  Lots of the older girls had what you could call an understanding with the night watchmen.  We'd sit on their laps and give them some attention in the middle of the night and in return they'd let us roam free.  So each night before I'd join you, that's where I was, out in the hall flirting with that disgusting man.  I think Johnny was his name."  Dani shivered.  She'd only spoken this truth about herself once before, long ago.  The memory was well-preserved.  "Everyone called him Creepy Johnny, but not to his face, of course."  She chuckled to hide her discomfort.  "If you'll recall, that day we'd had a big argument and that bitch Ms. Sweaney had been pushing me hard.  When I showed up that night at your door, I was still mad and wasn't in the mood to give good old Johnny his playtime."  She noticed Lily shift in her seat, but her sister wouldn't look up.  It would be easier to tell the rest without seeing those haunting green eyes, their mother's eyes.  "I slapped his hand away when he grabbed for me and told him to leave me alone.  He grabbed at me again and I kicked him."  She saw the fight in her mind.  She smelled the grease in his hair.  She felt the pain as she tore.   Releasing a heavy breath, she finished in a rush, "So, apparently Johnny likes it rough.  Afterwards he slipped me twenty bucks and unlocked the front door for me."  

Dani observed the beautiful woman sitting rigid on the couch.  Her mind flashed a picture of the little girl with short fri
zzy hair whose soft breathing lulled her to sleep at night, the little girl she’d mostly raised herself to protect her from their mother, the only other person in the world she'd ever loved.  She stifled the urge to remember more or feel anything.  Her fake smile returned.  “Take some final advice from your big sis’ and get on with your life.  Let the past go.  I have.”

She disappeared into the back bedroom and returned with he
r purse.  Lily stood, sensing her time was up.  “I have a little cash if you need it.”  Dani fumbled through her wallet and pulled out a roll of twenties.  “And here, I’ve never liked this bracelet.  Take it.  I’ll have Victor buy me a new one.” As she rolled up her sleeve to remove the jewelry, a thick, green bruise was revealed circling her wrist.  Lily and her sister noticed it at the same time. Dani pushed her sleeve down, walked to the door, and called, “Time to go.”

Lily left the money on the couch and followed her out.  Both hesitated, fidgeting at the door, neither knowing what should come next.  Then Dani made her decision and ended the visit emphatically
, saying, “Have a nice life,” as the door shut between them.

Jimmy was out of his mind with worry by the time he reached their hotel room two hours later than planned.  He’d taken the 'L' to meet his college buddy north of the city.  Concentrating on his friend during their visit was impossible.  He couldn’t stop thinking about Lily and her reunion with her sister.  Was it going well?  Did she need him?  He wanted to kick himself for agreeing to meet Gerry so far from where he was staying.  With a pat on the back and a promise to get together over the summer to fish, Jimmy headed back, hoping he’d beat Lily to the hotel.  However, a transformer linked to the track system had blown nearby and without enough cash for a taxi he was stuck until the promised “quick fix” occurred.

Lily
laid curled up on the bed with her back to him, tucked under the covers with the harsh light of the bathroom casting long shadows.  Motionless, she appeared to be sleeping.  He closed the door and tiptoed around the bed to check, wondering if even in sleep he'd know how things went with her sister, dried tears or maybe a smile.  Her eyes were open, staring ahead at nothing.   He couldn’t read her expression and was uncertain how to begin.  Stroking her hip, willing her to notice him, he asked the safest question he could think of, “Are you hungry?  I can order a pizza and have it delivered.”

Lily shifted slightly at the sound of Jimmy’s voice but continued to gaze forward.  She answered, “My dad made us pizza a lot for dinner.  He called it ‘Pizza
ala Pop.’  It was really nothing more than a slice of stale bread with canned spaghetti sauce topped with cheese.  My mom would yell from the couch that she wasn’t gonna eat that shit again.  Did you know that I didn’t have pizza that was in the shape of a triangle or from a restaurant until college?  Of course, that was when I realized that the stuff Dad made was shit, but when I was a kid I thought ‘Pizza ala Pop’ was the best.”

“Uh, al
l right… pizza it is.”  Jimmy forced himself to not show his surprise at this unprecedented flow of information, fearful she’d catch herself talking and stop. 

“Make it a large with everything and extra cheese.”

“You bet.”  Jimmy found the number of a pizza joint and placed the order while Lily lay still at his side.  He wanted to keep her talking.  “So your dad wasn’t a very good cook, then?”

“He was terrible, but back then we were just happy to eat at all.  By the age of nine, I think I tasted every available fla
vor of canned soup.  With enough saltines it all tastes the same.  I vowed when I got a real job that canned soup would never cross my lips again.”

Before Jimmy could prod her further, she added, “Now, my mom was a wonderful cook when she bothered with it.  Every couple of months she’d go on a tear and cook roasts and
casseroles and stews, sometimes more than one a day.  She’d bake cookies, cakes, and pies.  There was so much food we couldn’t eat it all before it went bad.  And after about a week, she blew through that month’s grocery budget, and we were lucky to eat at all until Dad got paid again.  But that didn’t happen very often--- Mom cooking, not the running out of money part." 

“When she started
cookin’, we also knew she’d be nice to us for a change.  She had tons of energy during those times and she’d play with us, take us places, clean the house, do the laundry, all that stuff everybody else’s mom did.  Sometimes, when she was on one of her highs, she’d brush my hair and talk to me for hours.  I really liked her then, but it never lasted long.”

Lily sat up and positioned herself with her back to the headboard and her knees to her chest. 
It was like she was watching a movie on the opposite wall where she was the narrator.  She told him the story of how she’d shared a bed with her sister since she was a toddler.   She reminisced about her adventures with Dani after they’d snuck out of their bedroom window while their mom watched soap operas on the couch.   She mentioned how the girls hid in their rooms, afraid of their mom’s moods until their dad came home from work.   She described the screaming fits that lasted into the night and often preceded her mom vanishing for a while.  Lily recounted twelve different disappearances before the last, where following a miscarriage, her mother secretly discharged herself from the hospital and emptied their bank account.

She talked while she ate, telling Jimmy for the first time how
she’d been abandoned at the home by her father and how for almost a year she believed he’d come back for her.  She painted a picture of the horrible Ms. Sweaney, who locked Dani up when she couldn’t control her and whom still ruled supreme when she left.   Lily mentioned sweet Mrs. Jones who gave up her battle against the director’s tyranny.  She talked about the emptiness she felt after her sister went missing and how all that had kept her going was the thought of a college scholarship and a life away from the children’s home. 

Jimmy, quiet and attentive, took it all in.  The pieces of the puzzle were coming together.  She offered mostly characters and events with limited emotions, but that was enough for now and much more than he’d been given in the ten months he’d known her.   He wished she’d talked more about her time with Dani that afternoon, but she
volunteered very little.  “I got the answers I needed, and it doesn’t look like Dani and I will be seeing each other again anytime soon.”

Lily didn’t fully understand why she’d said so much, but she felt lighter for it. 
The world hadn’t collapsed around her after telling someone her story, nor had that person she shared her story with deserted her.  Jimmy had listened and not pressed for more.  His face hadn’t shown pity, but interest and compassion.  It occurred to her how much she must trust him, allowing herself to be so vulnerable with him without even
trying
. 

It was late and although she fell limp with exhaustion into bed, her mind swarmed with memories.  Jimmy tu
rned out the light, crawled in behind her, and held her close.  He’d been struck speechless by her stories and prayed his presence was enough comfort.  He was in no way under the delusion anymore that he could “fix” her.   He hoped she could eventually
leave the past in the basement
like his parents preached.   Believing in a better future was the only tool that he reasoned could make it better.

He adjusted his position again and again to allow for her restlessness, rel
uctant to break contact, knowing his warmth was all he had to offer.   Breaking the long silence, he asked, “Darlin’, what can I do to help?  You’re squirmin’ like a worm on a hook.”