The Birth Order Book (18 page)

One thing they learned together was that Russ was a controller and that Kathleen was a pleaser. (See chapter 12 for more on controllers and pleasers.) One of the reasons behind Russ’s reluctance to show feelings was that he was afraid if he ever told his wife how he felt, she would reject him. This is a classic characteristic of some controllers who have a hard time sharing their feelings, because they are afraid if they ever do they’ll be rejected.

On the other hand, as a pleaser Kathleen was sure she could never say no to anyone, that she had to do everything for everyone, and that she had to continually put herself second and the entire world first. It was exceptionally gratifying to help Kathleen and Russ find out they could share feelings with each other and love each other just the way they were.

Because Kathleen was such a super pleaser, an important part of her therapy was getting her to learn the word
no
. Her inability to say no led her into the overwhelming propensity to commit herself to more than she could handle. I had to literally argue her into agreeing to weed things out of her life that were really too much for her. She was extremely active in her place of faith and in her community, she had decided to homeschool her two children, and she was attempting to hold down a part-time job of twenty-two hours a week.

There was, of course, no way any human being could do all this very satisfactorily. Kathleen had no time for herself, not to mention time for Russ. But it was her style, and she drove herself to the brink. That’s when she came to see me.

“How will I ever catch up?” Kathleen asked me in one of our sessions.

“My general prescription, Kathleen, is that you drop some things, or you will drop dead yourself.”

Kathleen had some tough decisions to make, and it all started with treating herself better. Of all the changes she made, the ones that were most significant centered on backing off and saying no to a world that was constantly pressuring her with requests such as, “I know you’re busy, but you’re really the one person we know who can handle this.”

Before she sought help, Kathleen was in danger of fulfilling Alfred Adler’s prophecy that only children feel useless and lack independence. I find it ironic that, while Adler was so negative on only children, one of my clients—an only child—fulfilled another one of his claims: It isn’t important where you were born in your family. Your particular birth order means only that you’ve had a certain environment in which to develop. As an adult, you can recognize your characteristics and take practical steps to emphasize your strong points and strengthen your weak ones.
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Kathleen, the discouraged pursuer of perfection, became a much more relaxed seeker of excellence. She proved there is
always
hope, even for an only child whose unfeeling, critical father turned her into a totally discouraged perfectionist. I count Kathleen as one of the real victories of my counseling career.

How Edwin Got over the Hump

Another success story, in which I like to think I played a part, is that of Edwin, the super perfectionist only child you met in chapter 6.

After Edwin read
The Birth Order Book
and wrote to thank me for explaining why and how he was such an only-child perfectionist, I asked him if he would care to contribute some thoughts about using birth order principles in the business world. He didn’t reply for several months, and I thought perhaps he’d forgotten about it. So I dropped him another note to renew my request.

Two weeks later Edwin wrote back, listing in breathless fashion an incredible array of assignments, tasks, and crises that he had been handling as a busy vice president. He said that my first letter had been resting safely in one of his piles, this one being next to his couch. But now the deadlines and crises had passed, including his housekeeper hanging his dress shirts on
blue
hangers instead of
brown
hangers. He had kept the housekeeper despite this glaring error and had gotten rid of all of his brown hangers so that now all his shirts, dress or sport, were on blue hangers. Finally he was ready to deal with the questions I had sent and said I would hear from him soon.

Frankly, I wasn’t too optimistic. It was obvious Edwin was still going at a frenetic pace and saying yes to too many of life’s insatiable demands. And he seemed to be enjoying all of the pressures, which is often true of perfectionists, until they start to reach burnout. Still, I could see Edwin was making a little progress. Switching to all-blue hangers for all of his shirts sounds humorous and a little eccentric, but I saw it as a baby step toward less structure.

It turned out that “soon” took several more months, suggesting that Edwin was still hanging on to the perfectionistic habit of procrastinating. Finally he did send answers to my questions, including this one: “You’re a vice president. How do you see your perfectionism helping or hurting you on the job?”

Here is his insightful reply:

It helps to strive for perfectionism because you quickly build a reputation for doing quality work. When the boss has an especially important assignment, to whom is he or she going to assign it? That’s right, the person who, based on past experience, will do the best job. . . .

Early in my career I recall being given a series of assignments. I was not able to complete them in the normal, eight-hour work days, and put in a considerable amount of noncompensated overtime. I was criticized for this by coworkers. I thought nothing of the additional hours—I simply wanted to do the best possible job I could. I honestly didn’t even think about this work leading to a promotion or a raise (which it did). I was just trying to do the best job that I was capable of doing.

Perfectionism hurts, however, because you demand the same perfection from your co-workers and subordinates. Occasionally, resentment can result. I used to be easily disappointed and upset when I saw that someone just didn’t give 100 percent. Now I realize that, for whatever reasons, not all people have the same motivation.

When I asked Edwin if he thought he was making any progress with his messy desk (and couch), he said:

Until I read
The Birth Order Book
, I thought that I lost control of my desk because I switched from project to project during the day, putting files on top of other files in a desperate attempt to keep the flow of work moving and not interrupt the momentum by taking time to refile things.

However, now I understand that this is merely my defense mechanism to try to convince the world that I am not really a perfectionist. That way I am less likely to be criticized. Only children, you know, don’t want to be criticized, even if it is for being a perfectionist! And I don’t criticize myself for a messy desk either. I’ve improved my desk since I’ve read
The Birth Order Book
.

Edwin will always struggle with perfectionism, but he’s making real progress that goes beyond improving his “messy desk.” When he took the “Are You a Perfectionist?” quiz (see page 102), Edwin scored in the high 20s, meaning that he was close to an extreme perfectionist, but when he did the “About You” quiz (the comparison of perfectionism and excellence on page 120), he clearly showed he knew the difference and was coming down on the side of excellence much more often than he used to. He told me:

I seek excellence, not perfection. There is a difference. I strive for excellence, knowing that perfection means flawlessness.

Let’s say we are considering an acquisition, and time is short. My “briefing report” for the acquisitions group will be thorough and complete—covering all of the research and facts—but it may not be perfect. I may include my hand-drawn charts (I’m a lousy artist), not slick, computer-generated charts; some of the Ts may not be crossed, but the information will be correct, thorough, and timely. That will be an excellent report, but not a perfect one.

The last line of Edwin’s note above clearly tells me he is over the perfectionist hump. He can do a less-than-perfect report that includes a typo or two and even hand-drawn charts and still call it excellent, because it does what it’s supposed to do—deliver information. Edwin finally sees the point. His goal is to do the best job possible with high standards rather than turning every job into a monument that glorifies his perfectionism.

If I ran a larger operation that needed Edwin’s skills, I’d hire him in a heartbeat. Any company would be lucky to have him as vice president or even as CEO because his struggles with perfectionism—and less-than-perfect co-workers—have made him a more understanding, well-rounded person who still wants to do the best job he can.
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Lower your high-jump bar of life.

But, of course, Edwin isn’t perfect. If you want a bloody nose, just try calling him Eddie. It’s interesting—when you think about firstborns and only children, a Jennifer, a Robert, or a Suzanne may come to mind who loathe being called Jenny, Bobby, or Suzie.

A Final Word

A piece of advice that I give to all perfectionists and especially to only children is this: Lower your high-jump bar of life.

Others haven’t put that bar up so high—
you
have, as you have reached for perfection and made real success impossible. When you learn to settle for excellence, however, life will be more satisfying, happier, and more fulfilling, as you clear the bar and then some!

Assessing Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Are you an only child who struggles with perfection? In what areas do you struggle? In what areas do you succeed? As we end this chapter, take a look at the chart “Strengths and Weaknesses of Only Children” below.

1. Set aside a few minutes to consider each trait. Decide if each trait is a strength or a weakness for you.

2. If the trait is a weakness, what changes could you make to improve in that area?

3. If it’s a strength, how could you capitalize on that strength or develop it even further?

Strengths and Weaknesses of Only Children

Ask Yourself

1. Am I learning to bite off less and not expect so much of myself? What recent examples can I think of?

2. Am I building time and space for myself into my schedule? How do I know?

3. Am I developing friends among younger or older people rather than only my own age level? (List the ages of your friends. Who gives you strokes? Who argues with you?)

4. How selfish and self-centered am I, really? What can I do to put others first, help others more, and be less critical?

5. Do I understand and really believe that no one is perfect?

6. Do I understand and really believe that my naturally high standards need to be more reasonable and less excessive?

7. Do I understand I really can’t do it all myself? What recent examples of depending on others can I think of?

8. I am working on my self-talk. What recent example of turning negative self-talk to positive self-talk can I think of?

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I Never Did Get No Respect
The Middle Child