The Best Australian Stories (15 page)

They sat and sipped their tea, and smiled and laughed without speaking.

‘We've been trying,' Judy said, crossing her legs.

Pam sat up in her chair. ‘Any luck yet?'

‘Not yet. But it's got to happen sooner or later, doesn't it? If you keep trying?' Pam just smiled and Judy grabbed her hand again. ‘That's so great.'

*

The day before Ray and Pam moved into the city, when all of their things were packed into boxes, they went for dinner at Geoff and Judy's. Ray and Geoff took over the barbeque, and Pam and Judy – who were by then both heavily pregnant – worked together to set the table. They carried the white plastic table sideways over the lawn, laughing, and Ray and Geoff turned and shook their heads at them. Pam and Judy both shrugged as if to ask, ‘What?' and laughed again and disappeared into the house. They came back out nursing bowls of salad and coleslaw on their hips.

When it came time to eat, Ray and Pam sat on opposite sides of the table and Judy eased in beside Ray. ‘Looks like it's you and me tonight,' Geoff said, as he brought the meat to the table and pulled out the chair beside Pam. Pam passed her plate across to him and told him what she wanted. The others passed their plates in turn and then they all got down to eating. They soon started talking about what they thought life would be like – if it would be much different – when the babies arrived and their voices trailed off as they reached the edge of the things they knew for certain.

By the time they'd finished eating, Ray and Geoff had decided between themselves that they shouldn't be any busier than usual but that Pam and Judy probably would have their hands full. Pam and Judy both shook their heads and gathered up the plates and took them into the house. Pam found the bin beneath the sink, scraped off the plates and then, standing side-on to the sink to accommodate her abdomen, set about washing up.

‘Don't worry about that,' Judy said. ‘Geoff can do that for me.'

‘No,' Pam said. ‘I've already made a start. I may as well finish it now.'

Judy pulled a stool out from under the bench and sat and kicked off her shoes. She started cutting up the cake. She ran her finger along the blade of the knife and licked the icing from her finger. ‘Do you think Ray will make a good father?'

‘Too late now,' Pam said, patting her belly. ‘The damage is already done.'

Judy nodded and looked down at her bare feet, ran her instep over her other foot and said, ‘I had an affair.'

‘What?' Pam turned away from the sink.

Judy looked back over her shoulder towards the yard. ‘I had an affair,' she said.

‘Does Geoff know?'

‘No,' Judy said, shaking her head. ‘Nobody knows.'

‘Why would you tell me such a thing?'

Judy shrugged. ‘I just wanted to tell someone. I needed to tell someone.'

‘But you didn't need to tell me this. I didn't need to know,' Pam said. ‘I don't want to know.'

Ray and Geoff started up a chorus for cake and Pam and Judy both glanced towards the door.

‘It wasn't much of an affair, anyway. Hardly worth it. He asked me to leave Geoff and I almost did,' she said. ‘But Geoff will be a good father, I know he will. I want my child to have a good father. I could have left him, though,' Judy said. ‘I could have. The only reason I'm still here is because I want to be. I want you to know that.'

Pam looked past Judy. Geoff was walking up behind her. When he saw Pam watching him he put a finger to his lips. He leaned over and kissed the back of Judy's neck and put his arms around her belly. ‘You're not going to have your cake and eat it too, are you?'

‘I was just saying how much I love you, wasn't I, Pam?' Judy laughed and got up off the stool. She slipped her shoes back on and headed out with the cake. ‘Bring the plates,' she called behind her.

Geoff picked the plates up off the bench and winked at Pam as he followed Judy out into the yard. Pam put her hands back into the water. The water was cold and she pulled the plug and felt the weight of the water drain away.

As they ate the cake Pam watched Judy laugh and lean back in her seat. She saw how Judy put her hand on Ray's arm when she laughed. Pam looked across at Ray and Judy. She tried not to imagine them together.

‘You know what?' Pam said. ‘After all this time that we've known you I don't think you've ever told us how you two met.'

‘It's a long story,' Geoff said, picking up his drink. ‘We don't have all night.'

‘Give us the
Digest
version, then,' Ray said.

Geoff stalled and sipped his beer. ‘Well …' he said and looked across at Judy.

‘It's simple enough,' Judy said. ‘I won him over.'

‘Just like that?' Pam said.

‘Well,' Judy said slowly. ‘He was seeing a friend of mine at the time.'

‘So where's your friend now?' Ray said, and laughed. Judy laughed too and put her hand on his arm and left it there.

*

The morning after Geoff's suicide, Ray and Pam drove out to see Judy. Ray pulled up opposite Geoff and Judy's house and left the motor running. They both looked across at the house. It sat low, stretching most of the way across the front of the yard. Two narrow strips of concrete cut across the lawn and ran down the side of the yard. Geoff's car sat in the driveway and beyond the car was the garage. Pam could remember the last time they were there, all of them together, and Judy telling her things that she did not want to know. ‘It's been a long time,' Pam said.

‘Too long,' Ray said under his breath and cut the engine.

They went to the front door and knocked and waited. Judy came to the door. ‘Sorry,' she said, waving them inside. ‘I was just packing up some things. Trying to get this place cleaned up before the funeral.'

‘When is the funeral?' Pam asked.

‘Friday morning. Can you come? Both of you?'

Ray nodded. ‘Of course,' Pam said.

‘Good,' she said. ‘Come through.' And they followed her down the hallway into the lounge room. There was a pile of boxes inside the doorway. ‘I've got somebody picking those up this afternoon,' Judy said, gesturing at the boxes as she passed. ‘There'll be more to go tomorrow,' she said and turned and stopped in front of Ray. ‘I've got some things for you, too.'

Ray hesitated. ‘I'm sorry,' he said. ‘I really am sorry.'

‘It's OK,' Judy said, going through to the kitchen. ‘Life goes on – isn't that what they say?'

Ray nodded and Pam just looked at her.

‘Sorry,' Judy said and went to the sink and filled the kettle. ‘I've always thought that that was such an odd thing to say and now here I am saying the same damn thing.'

‘It's OK,' Pam said. ‘There's probably not much else to say.'

Judy put the kettle onto the stove and lit the burner and took some cups down out of a cupboard beside the stove. ‘Do you know what I realised this morning? I realised that I didn't really know my own husband. Geoff just went out each day and came back again and hardly said a word about his work. All I knew was that he used to come home covered in dust and I was forever washing out his clothes trying to get rid of it. It was everywhere,' she said, then looked at Pam as though she was seeing her for the first time. ‘Sorry,' she said. ‘Listen to me complaining.'

‘I know what it's like,' Pam said. ‘The dust, I mean. I have to live with it too and we're right in the thick of it where we are in town.'

The kettle began to whistle and Judy switched it off and made a pot of tea. They went out to the sunroom and sat in cane chairs. ‘Are they really going to shut it down, Ray?'

Ray shrugged. ‘There's always been talk of it but I don't think it'll happen for a while yet.'

‘Geoff never said much about it,' Judy said, pouring the tea. ‘He did say once that it could happen but he said he couldn't see it happening in his lifetime.'

They fell silent and Ray and Judy picked up their cups and sipped at the tea. ‘How's Chris?' Pam asked.

‘As well as you might expect. He stayed at his girlfriend's place last night but I'll have him back here this afternoon.'

‘Will he still sit his exams?' Pam asked.

Judy nodded. ‘It's probably the last thing he needs at a time like this. But – as they say – life goes on,' she said, then laughed and asked, ‘Who the hell are
they
? What the hell would
they
know about life, anyway?'

‘Sorry we didn't bring flowers,' Pam said, finishing her tea. ‘But we figured you'd probably end up with more than enough of those. We would like to do something for you, though. Something to help you out.'

‘Thank you,' Judy said. ‘I'm OK for now.'

‘But do let us know if you need anything, though,' Ray said.

Pam and Ray said that they had to go and they got up from the table. Judy got up too and put her hand on Ray's arm. ‘I have some things for you,' she said. ‘It's not much – Geoff's shirts – but you might get some use out of them.'

Ray followed Judy back through the kitchen. Pam sat back down and looked out over the empty backyard. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, then got up and took their cups through to the kitchen and left them on the sink. She went into the lounge room to wait for Ray. She heard Ray and Judy talking in the next room, and she went down the hallway and stopped in the bedroom doorway. Ray was sitting on the bed beside Judy and she was running her finger over the collar of one of the shirts on her lap. Ray and Judy looked up at Pam and nobody said anything. Pam left them alone and waited across the street in the car.

*

Months after the boys were born, Ray came home in the afternoon and took Luke for a walk so that Pam could sleep for a while. He pushed the pram as far as the beach and looked out at the bank of dark cloud that sat off the coast. The breeze picked up, unsettling Luke, and he began to cry so Ray turned back. Within a couple of blocks Luke was asleep again.

‘Thanks,' Pam said when she came back down from the bedroom and saw Ray peeling vegetables into the sink. ‘I'm ready to go again now. I'll give you a hand.' Pam got a saucepan out of a cupboard and put it on the bench beside Ray. ‘How was work?'

‘Same old, same old.'

‘Has Geoff said anything about how he and Judy are getting on?'

‘Chris isn't giving them much sleep.'

‘Still?'

Ray nodded. ‘Geoff said it's wearing them down, most days they've been at each other's throats.'

‘Well I'm glad we've got such a good little sleeper,' Pam said, looking at Luke in his pram. ‘I don't know how people survive without a decent night's sleep. I think I'd die.'

‘You'd get by,' Ray said, putting the vegetables into the saucepan. ‘We'd cope.'

The telephone rang and Pam went through to the lounge room to answer it. It was Judy. ‘You haven't told him, have you?' she said.

‘Told who?'

‘Ray,' Judy said. ‘You haven't told Ray, have you?'

‘Told him what?'

‘The affair,' she said. ‘You haven't told Ray about my affair, have you?'

Pam looked towards the kitchen and lowered her voice. ‘No,' she said. ‘And I'd almost forgotten that you'd ever told me about it. Why are you calling, Judy? I haven't seen you for … for I don't know how long and now you're calling me to ask me about this.'

Judy was silent.

‘We should catch up again,' Pam said. ‘We could talk.'

‘I don't believe you,' Judy said and hung up.

‘Who was that?' Ray asked when Pam went back in to the kitchen.

Pam looked out at the clothes on the line in the courtyard. ‘Just somebody trying to sell me something I don't want,' she said. ‘We should have them over, don't you think? It's been a long time since we were all together.'

Ray shrugged. ‘I don't know,' he said. ‘I already talked to Geoff about it but he said that he and Judy aren't doing so well and probably wouldn't make great company.'

*

On the morning of the funeral Pam went out into the courtyard and sat on the bench against the fence to drink her coffee in the sun. Ray came to the top of the steps and said that he was going for a walk.

‘Wait,' Pam said. ‘I'll come with you.'

‘No, it's OK,' Ray said. ‘I wouldn't mind a little time to myself this morning.'

Pam stretched her feet out in front of her. ‘I won't go far, then,' she said, leaning back against the fence. She closed her eyes and listened to Ray go back through the house. She heard him shut the front door behind him. The sun was on her face and she was thinking about Judy when she felt something moving over her foot. She looked down and saw a procession of small black ants moving between a dead cicada and the small funnel of sand that marked the entrance to their nest between the pavers. She watched the ants dismantle the cicada and ferry its limbs across the pavers, over her foot and to the mouth of their nest, where they fed the broken pieces down into the ground. Pam watched the cicada gradually disappear. She was still out on the bench when Ray came home.

He came down the steps and sat on the bench beside her. He'd had his hair cut and he pulled his collar away from his neck and tugged at it. He leaned forward onto his elbows and brushed his fingers through his hair, dislodging clipped lengths of hair. Pam ran her hand over Ray's back and onto the back of his neck. She felt the muscles tense. She worked her fingers into the back of his neck, felt the soft prickle where the hair had been shaved and she ran her fingers up into the hairline. She felt something smooth between her fingertips and saw that it was dust. Pam held her hand up to her face and looked closely at the dust and she saw that the black particles reflected the sunlight; they shimmered, and when she looked at the dust a certain way the particles were more light than dark.