C
HAPTER
7
S
purts of chilly wind slipped in between the cracks of the old red barn. Jonathan stopped a moment to pull his hat down over his ears. While he carried a bale of hay from the storage unit to the cow troughs, he considered his recent brother-to-brother conversation and sighed in relief.
For a moment, he stopped and gently set two pails on the floor on both sides of him. From where he stood, he took in the herd of milking cows outside in the bare pasture. He smiled in satisfaction.
He wished his dad was here to talk to while they did chores together. But his father had trained him well. Jonathan had now been given a mission and that was to step into his dad's place.
Jonathan cupped his chin with his hand and recalled Amos's honest comment about when he became a daddy. “
I'll try to be as good as you, Johnnie. But I'll never be as good as Daddy
.”
Jonathan laughed so hard, he coughed. He finally collected his thoughts and picked up his pails, continuing toward the troughs. The flock of pigeons on the upper windowsill had increased in number. They eyed the grain that he dumped into the food troughs.
He knew their purpose. As soon as Jonathan stepped away, the flock swooped down to steal tiny kernels of grain. As he returned, they scattered and flew back to their perch.
Cattle sounds filtered in through the wood. Bales of straw loomed on the west side up to the ceiling. He began carrying them, one at a time, to the stable area. The smell of livestock floated through the barn.
It wasn't a pretty building; it needed a new coat of paint. Sturdy metal pails hung from hooks. So did other work paraphernalia, like pitchforks. Shovels.
Most people probably wouldn't be fond of the strong odor that was a mixture of livestock, dried seed, and hay. But to Jonathan, this was his comfort zone.
He smiled a little. Within these four strong walls, he could think clearly. And right now, something bugged him. Nervously, he stepped back and forth, piling loads of filthy straw and replacing it with fresh.
As he contemplated what bothered him, he worked faster, finally becoming numb to the cold while he considered his heart-to-heart with his little brother. And it was then that he realized the crux of his problem and frowned.
Not because he wasn't happy with how their talk had gone. He was. And he was fairly sure that, even at Amos's young age, the boy understood Jonathan's responsibility to family and why he'd been torn about accepting donations.
For a six-year-old, Amos was exceptionally bright. He quickly read everything Emma gave him. He also absorbed it.
Because Emma didn't focus on math, Jonathan attempted to make it up, teaching Amos what he needed to know. Something in his conversation with Amos made Jonathan's pulse on his wrist pick up to a disturbed pace.
As he grasped the top of his pitchfork and rested the spikes on the cement, he nodded when he realized what ate at him. To his surprise, it wasn't Amos's perception that Jonathan couldn't compete with their dad. It was something asked at the get-go of their talk.
“Can Emmie go with us to Minnesota?”
Jonathan swallowed as he envisioned the hopeful expression in Amos's eyes when he'd posed the question. It was asked with innocence, but it was obvious to Jonathan that the more times Emma baked cookies for the boy and helped him with school, the more Amos had bonded with her.
Is that something to be concerned about? Why would his strong love for Emma bother me? That's ridiculous. With Mom down, he's craving affection. Besides, I don't have to worry about Emma disappointing him. She's so dependable.
Finally, he lifted his shoulders in a shrug. He continued cleaning the grazing area and dreamed of spring. In a few months, he would be working inside of the barn with wide open doors. The pasture would be a deep shade of green, not the pale brown it was today. The fresh smell of clover and sweet scent of wildflowers would fill the air.
And Amos would be healthy, wouldn't he? Jonathan stopped what he was doing and pulled in a deep, frightened breath. At this moment, he knew what troubled him most. It was Amos's procedure.
He was grateful that the surgery would take place. Jonathan closed his eyes and tried to think only positive thoughts, like Emma claimed to do.
He rested an elbow on his pitchfork and squeezed his eyes closed in a desperate prayer. “Dear Lord, You know my thoughts and fears. Right now I'm afraid. Scared of losing my dear brother.”
He caught an emotional breath. “Help me to be brave and to rest assured that You will protect Amos during his procedure. I know that only You can work miracles, Lord, and I ask You with all of my heart to get Amos through the surgery safely. Protect him. And I pray with everything I have that You would be with his surgeon and help Amos recover quickly.”
He opened his eyes and blinked away salty moisture stinging his pupils. Then he smiled relief. He would rely on his holy Father to protect Amos. The situation was out of Jonathan's control.
He continued clearing dirty straw, only this time, he whistled while he did it. He wanted to shout with happiness. The heavy weight of fear had been lifted off of his shoulders. He knew his Lord and Savior would watch over his little brother and heal him.
And as far as Amos's request to take Emma to Minnesota? Jonathan's lips curved in amusement. He couldn't blame Amos. How could he hold loving Emma against him?
Jonathan rolled his eyes. He couldn't. Because he was fond of her, too.
Two days before Christmas, Jonathan put on his coat to drive Emma home in the buggy. As Emma slipped her arms into her coat sleeves, Amos's small voice prompted her to look down.
“Aren't you going to put on your coat, Amos?”
He shook his head. “Mom asked me to stay here.” He bubbled with excitement. “I'm going to show her how good I can read the story about Daniel and the den of lions.” Amos raised the pitch of his voice to a more excited tone.
He clutched his fingers over his waist as his eyes grew larger. Holding the small picture book with his right hand, he lifted it and exclaimed with a combination of energy and enthusiasm. “It's my favorite, Emmie. I can't believe God saved him from the lions! If God did that, He will fix my heart. I know it!”
Before Emma could reply, Amos bounded out of the room. Jonathan's voice interrupted her thoughts.
“You've got him addicted to stories, Emma.” He grinned. “And that's a good thing. I'm relieved that Mom's starting to feel well enough to get up and about. Amos needs her.” He chuckled. “The kid's got an imagination bigger than the state of Texas. Have you seen all the pictures he's drawn of Daniel in the lions' den?”
Emma missed Amos. She enjoyed the threesome in the buggy. Everything about the little boy inspired her. His attitude. His faith. The way he loved everything he read and imagined what would happen after the denouements.
As they stepped outside, she eyed Jonathan from her peripheral vision and smiled a little. She must tell him she had overheard his conversation and why. Before they reached her home. At first, she'd been certain she shouldn't interrupt his talk with Amos. Now, she wasn't sure. She didn't feel good about being in on such a private, emotional conversation.
“Ready?”
Jonathan's eager voice pulled her from her thoughts, and she turned and tightened her neck scarf. “Sure.”
He motioned her in front of him. When he opened the back door, bitter cold wind hit her in the face, and she stopped to catch her breath.
“Are you okay?”
“
Jah
. I wasn't prepared for this.”
“It's supposed to be another record-breaking low tonight,” he said. As he spoke, she half heard his words because the fierce wind absorbed part of what he said.
He opened the carriage door and offered a hand as she stepped inside. She gasped as she looked at his hand on her coat sleeve. It wasn't proper for a single Amish man to touch a single girl. But she knew he'd only meant to help her. Still, her heart skipped an uncertain beat at what had just happened.
He joined her and closed the door. As the horse pulled the carriage forward, Emma rubbed the palms of her hands together before crossing them over her chest.
She turned to him and grinned.
“Thanks for the lift.”
“As always, my pleasure.”
For long moments, she couldn't think of what to say. She was even more embarrassed now that she'd listened in on a private conversation. The decision had been made in a split second. She hoped he'd understand.
If it wasn't for that, she'd enjoy the ride. She eyed him from her peripheral vision and drew in a sigh. She admitted that after his talk with Amos, she knew him better than she'd ever dreamed she would.
Her heart had actually softened to him. She gave a frustrated roll of her eyes, unsure whether she liked this or not. She had gotten used to their friendly sparring. Could she adapt to the Jonathan who wanted to be as good as the father he still loved more than life itself?
“You're awfully quiet over there.”
She pulled in a breath and darted him a glance.
“Jonathan, I have to tell you something.” She cleared her throat. “I think I shouldn't have done it, but I was caught and I wasn't sure what to do.”
He pressed his lips together in uncertainty and raised an inquisitive brow. “What?”
“I hope you won't be angry with me.” She paused before continuing. “Yesterday, I overheard your conversation with Amos.”
Without offering him an opportunity to respond, she explained what happened. Afterward, they sat in tense silence. Emma's heart pumped to a nervous, uncertain, fearful beat. How she wished she hadn't happened upon that discussion. What if Jonathan resented her actions? Her throat was dry. Despite the cold, moisture made her dress cling to her torso.
Outside, the cloudy, dismal-looking sky mimicked her sentiment. Right now, she just wanted to talk to Mamma.
Was I wrong? I'm not sure, but right now, I just wish Jonathan would say something. Please.
When he finally spoke, amusement edged his voice. “So you were behind the kitchen door when I had my talk with little Amos.”
She offered a nervous nod. “I'd left my hand mixer in your kitchen. I needed it that evening. Otherwise, I wouldn't have come back for it.”
“Emma, you must have frozen to death.”
“Yeah!”
He chuckled. “It's okay. In fact, I respect you for what you did. For some time, I've tried to sit down and talk with my little brother. Finally the opportunity presented itself, and I'm actually grateful you didn't interrupt it.”
She exhaled relief. “I was so worried.”
He gave an understanding nod of his head and reached over to nudge her elbow. “You were caught between a rock and a hard place.” He lowered the pitch of his voice to a more emotional tone. “Besides, how could I ever be mad at you?”
Suddenly, the sun came out from behind the clouds. Emma blinked to adjust to the unexpected brightness. His question left her surprised and comforted. Relief swept up her arms and landed on her shoulders. She sighed.
“So you forgive me?”
He offered a strong nod. “I'm convinced that you would do anything in your power to protect Amos. At the same time, you were looking out for me. I had my say. To be honest, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.”
“Jonathan, I wasn't sure I did the right thing. At the same time, I didn't want to eavesdrop.”
“When you think about it, you were in a no-win situation. But now it's out in the open . . . You were honest with me, and I appreciate that, Emma. You didn't have to tell me.”
“I did.” She lifted her palms in the air and shrugged uncertainty. “I was going crazy. It bothered me that I listened in on something so private. Yet now it's over, and I can't undo what happened.”
“And I'm glad you didn't.” He rubbed the back of his neck. When he continued, he looked straight ahead. She was happy that he had the horse to focus on; it made their discussion feel less intimate. And less personal was definitely easier for her. Jonathan was slowly carving a place in her heart.
She hadn't figured out what kind of spot it was, but for some strange reason, warming up to him made her a bit uncomfortable. She fidgeted with her hands in her lap.
When he pursued the subject, her jaw dropped in surprise at his uneasy tone. “Emma, I have something to ask you.”
She looked at him to continue.
“I'm not a good communicator. Never have been. But it's important that Amos understands why I opposed the surgery. Now that I think about it, I can't believe I ever tried to stop something that would change my little brother's life for the better.”
Emma's voice was soft and unsure. “I understand why you did it, Jonathan. You felt you should be able to be the sole provider for your family. And I respect you for that.”
“You do?”
“Uh-huh.”
As she considered their conversation, the
clomp-clomp
of the horse's hooves serenaded the thoughtful silence that floated through the small carriage. The knit blanket over Emma's thighs slid to the right, so Emma moved to adjust it.
Finally, she knew what to say to Jonathan. “Ya know, all the while, Jonathan, you've been trying to take responsibility for everything. Amos's heart defect, how to get money to pay for the surgery without accepting help, but at the same time, you've been taking care of your mamma and brother.” Emma pushed out a sigh and turned toward him. “Don't misunderstand. There's nothing wrong with that.” She lowered the pitch of her voice for emphasis. “I admire you.”