Authors: S. E. Lund
"Holy
crap
," Dawn said.
"That's cryptic. And ominous. Like I said, stay away from him, Kate. He's
trouble."
I spent the rest of the week interviewing other
people on my father's list of philanthropic giants for my article on charity
for
Geist
. I had to turn it in before the weekend and so I spent my
spare time working on it, polishing it before I had to send it to my editor.
I wished I could see Drake again, despite his
warning for there was just something so…
enticing
and slightly dangerous
about him. It wasn't just that he was drop-dead beautiful. It wasn't just that
he was a surgeon and skilled. He was powerful. Self-assured. But there was
something else.
It was something in his bearing that made you
believe he could sweep you off your feet, like one of those bare-chested heroes
in the bodice-ripping romance novels my girlfriends and I consumed like candy
when we were teens. His dark arched brows and deep voice made you think he was
out for plunder, like a pirate searching for treasure or some rich Lord of a
great estate surveying the pretty daughters of his indentured serfs for his
next trifle.
I had to admit I resorted to Big a few times in
the ensuing days…
CHAPTER THREE
Later that week, I sat at a tiny table in the
corner of the patio at a small café in the upper West Side of Manhattan. I was
waiting to meet Mistress Lara to talk about meeting the Dominant she'd promised
I could interview for my research project. Although late October, the weather
was perfect. I didn't want to miss the chance to sit outside one last time before
winter set in. There were few patrons outside despite the warm weather and so
we could talk in relative privacy.
The sunshine and the nice weather did nothing to
calm the butterflies in my stomach.
I could have chosen a safe topic for my paper
– something uncomplicated and straight-forward, familiar ground for me.
Like the war in the Congo or rendition to Guantanamo Bay. I could have
met with someone from the military – a veteran with combat experience or
a military strategist – and used them as an informant. But I'd changed
focus from politics to pop-culture, no longer able to handle the darkness of my
previous areas.
Instead, I decided to write about sexual
politics and the world of BDSM, which had become quite a topical subject since
those books were published a few years earlier. I created a profile at
FetLife.com and spent some time reviewing profiles and reading message boards,
fending off a few Doms who expressed an interest in spanking me.
One of the Dommes on the board took me under her
wing, offering to help me. I set up a meeting with Mistress Lara, as she called
herself, a Domme who happened to be a lawyer in real life. She contacted me
after I indicated I was a student interested in learning about the lifestyle
for a paper I was writing. She was hesitant to meet with me in person,
interrogating me about why I needed to be anonymous. I had to confess my
identity to her, and when she heard my last name, she made the connection and
agreed to meet with me.
"Just invite me to one of your father's fundraisers,"
she said over the phone. "When you're a defense lawyer, it never hurts
career-wise to have friends in high places, especially judges."
While I waited for her, I read over the excerpt
she sent me of a Dom's letter to his sub. She said if I wanted to read more,
she'd give me the password to the website where it was posted.
I glanced down at my iPhone and read the excerpt
for the fifteenth time.
A letter to my sub.
You trust me completely to know what you need.
And I
do
know what you need. I know what
to whisper in your ear to make you need me even more. I know how to touch,
where to touch, when to touch.
I know
you
.
I've known every part of you – every naked
inch, inside and out.
You can relax completely with me. You can
feel everything possible with me. You can respond with total abandon with me.
It is what I most desire.
I can't wait to bind you with my soft leather
restraints and make you cry out my name as you come, again and again. Then I
will kiss you, smothering your moans with my mouth...
When Lara walked up to my table, I tore my
attention away from the email. She looked so normal compared to her profile
photo on FetLife, dressed in a sober blue pinstripe suit fitting to her
occupation as a defense lawyer, her blonde hair pulled back into a tight bun,
makeup impeccable, her lawyer's briefcase on rollers towed behind her. I didn't
know what to expect, but in my mind's eye, I pictured her wearing a mask and
black leather dress with impossibly high-heeled-thigh-high leather boots.
"Kate?"
I put my phone away and smiled.
"You must be Lara."
"The very one."
She ordered an espresso from the waitress, and
then sat down. After she adjusted her suit and removed her sunglasses, she
turned her focus on me.
"You look so different from what I
expected," I said, my cheeks heating.
"We're ordinary people, Kate. Just like
you." She looked me up and down. "You're a pretty little thing.
Petite. Sweet looking. I love those huge green eyes. I won't have any problems
finding you a proper Dom, if that's what you really want."
"I need someone to
interview
,"
I said, my cheeks hot. "I'm not here to find a Dom for myself."
"Of
course
." She smiled, her
eyes narrowing. "So, tell me why you
really
want to write about the
lifestyle, of all things." The waitress brought her espresso, and she
sipped it, eyeing me over the rim. "It's quite a stretch from the article
you wrote on famine in West Africa. Aren't you more of a political writer? This
is sub-culture."
I took in a deep breath and went over my
rehearsed response, having expected this question. I practiced my answer in my
mind all morning, wondering exactly how to phrase my reasons so she would agree
to be my contact in this quasi-secret world.
"This is topical, given the popularity of
recent books and films. I made the switch from politics to popular culture
after my trip to Mangaize."
"There has to be more than that. Something
personal."
There was, but I didn't really want to admit it.
It wasn't a particularly stellar moment in my personal life. I sighed and
decided to be honest. If I wanted her to be, I figured I should be as well.
"To be honest, my last real boyfriend and I
parted company over his interest in kink and my fear of it. Ever since we
split, I've been thinking about how I responded. It scared me, but the truth
is," I said, stirring sugar into my cappuccino, "I regret my
over-reaction."
She smiled knowingly. "And now you're
curious. Did you read the excerpt from the letters I sent you?"
"Yes."
"And?"
I shrugged, not wanting to admit how much it
aroused me. "He's a good writer."
"That's it? Nothing else?" She leaned
forward. "It didn’t make you want someone like him?"
"Well…" I said, embarrassed that I
responded so strongly to it. "It was…
thought
provoking."
"I bet you can't stop thinking about
him."
My face grew hot, and it wasn't the warmth of
the sun. "Yes, but because of
who
I am, who my
father
is, I
can't risk doing anything that might get me in trouble. I might get away with
writing an investigative piece, but to really explore it as a woman?" I
shook my head. "Can't go there."
"That's a shame," she said and eyed me
from under a frown. "People like you can't ever really be satisfied
without doing it for real. I read your profile on FetLife."
"What do you mean, people like me?"
"You're a sub."
I frowned. "What was in my profile that
made you think that?"
"Things." She smiled. "Besides,
if you weren't a sub at heart, if submission didn't appeal to at least some
part of you, you wouldn't have gone beyond reading a few books, fantasizing a
bit. To actually contact someone in the lifestyle?" She shook her head.
"That's the next step and that means this is really
you
, somewhere
deep inside underneath all that self-judgment. You're pretty vanilla but there
were a few hints in your list of fetishes that suggest you could be a secret
sub."
I frowned at that. "Like what?"
"Bondage, bare handed spanking, hair
pulling, leather corsets, kneeling…"
"I just put those in so I didn't appear
like a poser."
She just grinned. "
Sure
."
"So you don't think I can just be
interested as a student writing a paper?"
"It must appeal to you on a human level,
sexual level, or else you'd write about something else. Either you're totally
against it and want to criticize it or you're totally fascinated and can't stop
thinking about it. I can help you. In fact, I enjoy teaching. But here's my
warning to you. I won't go along with any kind of
shocking exposé
,"
she said, making air quotes, "so if that's what you thought you'd do,
forget it. I
will
help you understand how things work and introduce you
to some people I know. No names, though. As you can imagine, we're quite…"
She paused and shrugged a shoulder. "
Protective
of our lifestyle.
Puritans and moralists would love to try to discredit us. If people found out
who
really
frequents our dungeons and fetish parties." She grinned
at that. "Even people like your father."
"Not my
father
?"
"Not that I know of, but people of his
status. All kinds of men and women enjoy kink, Kate. The public has the wrong
idea. Some of us just get off on a bit of bondage, a bit of power exchange.
Enhanced sensual experience."
"You mean pain. I'm not into pain."
"The pain and pleasure responses in the
brain are very similar. It's all sensation."
"My boyfriend wanted to spank me," I
said, remembering our very brief and upsetting foray into kinky sex. "He
wanted to do mock rape scenes, and it was too much. I was afraid I was with
some kind of serial killer in the making."
"He sounds like he had no idea what he was
doing. Don't use him as an example of what most Doms are like."
"Since I did some reading," I said and
took in a deep breath. "I can't stop thinking about this. Not S&M, but
bondage and dominance. Some of the descriptions by the Dominants – the
way they talk about their subs. The way the Dom spoke to his sub in the letter
you sent me." I shook my head. "It did something to me and I realized
that I've always had this secret fantasy..."
"But you always denied it, right? Because
it was upsetting."
I nodded. "I'm a feminist."
"So am I." Lara smiled quickly.
"You're attracted to a strong man who wants to take control over you in
the bedroom, but that conflicts with your feminist sensibilities outside of it.
It's a very common fantasy, Kate. Probably one of the most common fantasies for
women. It’s harmless as long as you're safe and it's all done
consensually." She looked out over the street and then her gaze returned
to me. "That's our motto – safe, sane, consensual. Sex is sex.
Pleasure is pleasure. Don't judge yourself – I always add unless it's
illegal, of course. No animals or children."
I sighed. "Of course. But it's hard as a
modern woman to admit that I even
consider
it. My mother was a big
feminist. How can I want this?" I shook my head. "I'm embarrassed by
it."
"You shouldn't be. Human relations are all
about power exchange, finding some kind of balance that benefits those who
interact together. Sexual relations are about pleasure and sensation, but power
exchange still plays a role even in sex. Some people need equality in sex. Some
people love to give up power to their partner during sex, some like to hold it.
Some people prefer vanilla ice cream, some like Rocky Road with chocolate,
marshmallow and nuts. That's all, sweetie." She raised her eyebrows.
"Nothing moral about it."
I took another sip of my cappuccino and studied
her over the rim. "You make it sound so… normal. Logical. You teach?"
She nodded. "I teach Dominants how to do
D/s and S&M, how to be safe when using toys and restraints. I can tell you
about my experiences as a Domme with male subs, but if you want a male
Dominant's perspective, you need a man."