Authors: S. E. Lund
So please, don't make this worse for me than it
already is.
She phoned. I answered.
"Kate, what happened? Come and stay with
me. I don't want you to be alone now."
"I can't," I said, in tears. "I'm
as mad at you as I am sad about him. You shouldn’t be interfering, Dawn. I know
your heart is in the right place, but this is
my
life and my
decision."
"I'm your best friend."
"You
were
. Best friends don't
threaten. Now, please,
please
just let things die naturally. It's going
to be hard enough for me without you threatening me."
I ended the call.
Drake had to know. I had to text him in case she
didn't hold off.
Drake, this person knows that I was with you
last night and thinks you've abused me. This person may tell my father no
matter what I do. I just want to warn you. I told her we broke up. We
have
to just say goodbye for real, Drake. I can't take this any longer – this
compartmentalization of my life. This pretending that we're not seeing each
other, worrying that someone will find out and hurt you. I don't do
compartmentalization, Drake. My life is a stew. I don't know anything
different. I've tried it your way, but being just one part of your life isn't
enough. The truth is that I could love you if I let myself. I can't do that
because you don't
do
love. Lara told me that before we met and you made
that abundantly clear to me.
You'll have no trouble finding another sub who
wants to be a compartment in your life but that's not me. I'd only always want
more and we'd have to end it, eventually. The longer we wait, the harder it
will be. That night, you said that someone would love me one day, and the truth
is, despite how amazing the sex is with you, I realize I'd rather wait to find
him than accept anything less. If you thought you could stop me from falling in
love with you, you failed miserably. I can't accept what you can give. I
deserve more.
Goodbye, Drake. I'm sorry, but this is the way
it has to be for both our sake's.
I read it over and hesitated. I could see
no other way out of this. There was no way Dawn would accept that we'd broken
up without proof – not after the injury. She wouldn't believe me no
matter what and I feared that she was going to hurt Drake for real.
I sent the text, my heart heavy, tears blurring
my eyes. I walked for blocks, wiping my face with my gloved hands, unable to
imagine not seeing Drake again.
Then, my phone dinged. Drake responded.
You do deserve more.
That was it. He didn't say I deserved more from
him. He didn't say he could give me more. Just that simple statement, as if he
recognized it, too. Finally, I sat on a bench that faced the park and cried.
My phone dinged, indicating an incoming text and
it was my father.
Katie, come by and stay with me and Elaine for a
while. You shouldn't be alone on Christmas Eve. Dawn just called and said she
was worried about you and that I shouldn't allow you to stay by yourself. Let
me send a car to pick you up. Come and stay with me until this thing with Drake
blows over.
I knew it was no use trying to go to the library
when I was like this. My eyes were red and swollen from crying and in truth, I
didn't feel at all like going there.
I'll come by later, Daddy. I prefer to walk.
The truth was, I couldn't face going to my
apartment alone. I couldn't go to the library. I couldn't face work. Dawn's
place was out of the question.
I called Lara.
"What's the matter now, Kate?" she
said, her voice a bit impatient.
"Something happened. I just broke up with
Drake but I'm afraid this person is going to hurt him no matter what I
do."
She exhaled heavily on the phone.
"Meet me at the coffee shop. We'll
talk."
By the time I arrived, my eyes were less red and
she was waiting in the back for me. Her face betrayed her frustration or anger,
I couldn't tell which.
I sat down, ordering some tea, and clasped my
hands in front of me.
"My God, Kate," she said when she saw
my injury. "What happened? Drake didn't do that, did he?"
"Lara, you won't believe it."
"Tell me what happened. I texted Drake but
he didn't respond."
I sighed and recounted how we fell and I hurt
myself. How he took me to the ER and how Dawn found me, and discovered that I
went to the ER with Drake.
How I had to break it off with Drake because
Dawn was hell-bent on telling my father.
"What is it with this person? Why do they
want to hurt Drake?"
I shook my head. "She saw her own sister
abused." I told her about Dawn's family and how dysfunctional it was when
she was growing up. "I think she judges everyone really harshly because
she was judged harshly. She has no tolerance."
Then Lara's phone dinged and she picked it up,
read something.
"Just a minute," she said, typing away
on her keyboard. Finally, she put the phone on the table between us.
"You were saying? You broke up with Drake?
Why? I thought you said things were good."
I shook my head. "The sex part was great.
Better than anything I could ever imagine, Lara. This is just too much risk for
Drake. I could never stand to live with myself if he was hurt because of me,
because of my greed for him. But even more, I just can't do only sex. I'm not
cut out for it. He doesn't want more. Considering all the shit he could get
into because of me, I had to just make a clean break."
"It's probably for the best."
"You understand," I said, but my chest
hurt. I covered my eyes, biting back a sob.
"I
do
understand," she said and
took my hand. "This is my fault. The reason I chose Drake for you was
precisely because he
wasn't
interested in anything long-term. I thought
that was what you wanted as well. You know, just doing interviews, learning
about the lifestyle. That's what you said to me…"
"I
know
I did," I said, feeling
incredibly guilty. "I
did
say that. I meant it at the time. But
Drake is so much
more
…" I closed my eyes, exhaling heavily. "I
think I could fall in love with him. All I know is that it isn't enough anymore."
She nodded. "Nothing like a new Dom to wash
away the taste of the old one. Listen, I can hook you up with a Dom who's
looking for a life partner, if you'd like. Not every Dom is like Drake. Some
want
a relationship. Why don't you come to a fetish night with me? You could come
under my protection and I could introduce you to a few Doms I know. Only the
ones who are looking for a relationship beyond play. I already have someone in
mind. His name is Steve. He's closer to your age. He's even in the arts –
he does copy editing for a publisher. He's kinkier than Drake, but not a
sadist. I know you're not into pain."
"I can't meet with anyone else, Lara. I
can't even
think
of it."
"You were alone for what – a
year
before Drake? Don't you want someone else?"
I shook my head. "I want
Drake
. I
can't have him. Not the way I really want him."
"Well, I offered. I still think you should
come to a fetish night with me. There are lifestyle partners and there are
lifetime partners. It is possible to meet someone who wants D/s and a real
relationship. You won't find another man who will satisfy your submissive side
outside of the lifestyle, Kate."
I forced a smile, wiping my eyes, acutely aware
of other patrons watching me. "Maybe I'll just go with my friend to India
and become a nun, working at Mother Theresa's hospice."
"Yeah,
sure
Kate," Lara said,
smiling back at me, shaking her head. "If you liked Drake as much as you
claim, you'll never be able to go back to normal again."
"That's hopeful."
"Look, it's hard enough to find compatible
lifestyle partners, let alone someone who you could be with in a permanent
relationship. If that's what you really want, you have to get out there and
meet people."
I shook my head. "It's too soon. I can't
imagine it. I only want Drake."
"When you're ready, just let me know."
We finished our drinks and parted ways.
I walked the rest of the way to my father's.
When I got there, I ran up the stairs to his apartment instead of taking the
elevator. He must have heard me close the front door because he emerged from
the hallway to his study, his half-eye glasses on the end of his nose, a paper
in his hand.
"Katie, what on earth happened to you? My
God – your eye…"
"I fell in the bathroom, Daddy. I'm
fine."
"Come here. Give your old man a hug. You
look like you need one."
I threw my bag and coat on the floor and went to
him, hugging him, my tears starting fresh.
"There,
there
," he said, his
gravelly voice soft, squeezing me in a bear hug. "You'll stay with us over
Christmas and New Year's. You shouldn't be alone now."
I didn't argue.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
I didn't even go back to my apartment.
My father sent the driver over with Elaine and
they went in and retrieved my things from my apartment, my laptop and a few
items from my closet plus the presents I'd bought but hadn't wrapped. I'd wrap
them later.
We went to Midnight Mass, and I managed to have
a shower and look somewhat presentable, although the choir singing "
O
Magnum Mysterium
" by Morten Lauridsen made me cry, of course, and my
tears at the beautiful music morphed into tears for myself and for the loss I
felt for Drake.
On Christmas morning, I realized that breaking
it off with Drake was the right thing to do. We
should
have been
together on Christmas morning, exchanging gifts, spending the day together,
having Christmas dinner together. I should have been with him the entire time.
He had no surgeries. His band played a few gigs over the holidays but he'd hurt
his hand and wasn't playing. He had the rest of the vacation to spend as he
chose. Instead, we couldn’t be together except for a few hours here and there
when I could find an excuse to sneak away. And then, it would be just to fuck.
That was no life. That was no relationship.
Still, I cried myself to sleep each night and
each day, I forced myself to get up and go through the motions. I wore Elaine's
slippers, an old pair of pajamas, and my hair in a messy ponytail, doing little
else than mope around, watching old movies, and eating ice cream directly from
the container.
My father let me mope, but he was there as
company when I felt like it, and when I didn’t, he left me to my own devices.
As New Years approached, I dreaded the day. My father was having a dinner party
with his 'people' and I would be expected to dress up and greet them, sit with
him and Elaine. Then, he and Elaine had tickets to a fancy party to ring in the
New Year. Heath and Christie would join them, but I bowed out.
On New Year's Eve Day, I checked the guest list.
As I stood in the kitchen, my father came up behind me and glanced over my
shoulder.
"Drake isn't on the list," he said.
"I didn't think you'd want to see him, but I felt incredibly bad. He's
like a son to me and I would have invited him if it wasn't for your
breakup."
"I'm sorry Dad. I could always just spend
the evening at my apartment if you want to invite him."
"Too late," he said. "Besides,
you belong with me. Did you know he's leaving NY Presbyterian for a year? Can
you believe it?"
"What?" A shock of adrenaline went
through me, making my knees weak.
"Yes, I called over to speak with him, see
how he was doing, and he said he'd cleared his slate and had a definite leave
of absence. He's spending four months in Africa, teaching and doing Foundation
work in Kenya. Going to see where his dad died, helping fix up a few hospitals
in the area. Then he's coming back to focus on the Foundation. His band."
"How did he seem?" I asked, my throat
choked with emotion.
"Who can say? He seemed to be busy making
plans." My father looked at his watch. "Well, I've got a conference
call. Seems as though this campaign stuff goes on no matter that it's New
Year's Eve."