Authors: Mallory Ortberg

Texts from Jane Eyre (2 page)

come along Gilgamesh
be you my husband
to me grant your lusciousness
I will harness for you a chariot of lapis lazuli
with wheels of gold
be my husband and I will be your wife

oh wow
Ishtar
that’s so flattering

I’m so flattered

the Lullubu people will bring you produce of the mountains
as tribute
your she-goats will bear triplets

that’s such a tempting offer

your ewes twins
your donkey will overtake the mule

i would just
love to
but super quick question
how is your boyfriend Tammuz
these days
is he still

trapped in the Underworld?

I don’t know what you mean

how about all your other boyfriends
still horribly dead

or turned into wolves?

you know what
never mind

i’m just super curious
since you’ve murdered exactly all of them
if maybe you were planning

on doing that to me too

i hope you get eaten by dogs

there it is

Achilles

Achilles?
Kiddo? Achilles?
Hey bud you in there?
hey champ I know you’re in there
I can see you
We just want to talk

okay?

no im not

you’re not what

not in your tent?

buddy it’s okay to be a little upset

IM NOT UPSET

okay

IM FULL OF RIGHTEOUS FURY

okay

THE ANGER OF ACHILLES SON OF PELEUS BRINGS
COUNTLESS ILL UPON THE ACHAEANS
SO I DONT GET “A LITTLE UPSET” OK

okay you got it
we were just wondering
when you might be thinking

of coming back to the war that we’re having

well A of all youre being condecending

what did I say?

it wasnt what you said it was HOW you said it
and B of all i quit war forever
so
that’s when i’m coming back
whenever i un-forever quit war, which is never, so never

what’s this about, buddy?

he took that girl i liked

who did

that guy
I can’t say his name
the guy with the long name and the sun helmet

Agamemnon?

yeah that guy
he took that girl I like

which girl?

I DONT REMEMBER
GOD
what is this
name remembering day
the one who was always holding the wine
or like the orb or whatever
she was always carrying something

okay
okay

would it help if we got her back?

no
it would not help
and youre being condescending again
and im going home

what will you do if you go home?

i dunno
stuff grows out of the ground if you put stuff in it
so maybe ill do that

farming?

yeah
go home and put stuff in the ground and no one will take the girls
i like
and i hope you all die in this stupid war

you don’t mean that

you don’t mean your face

what?

leave me alone

Dido

hey babe
when are you going to be home
tonight do you think

This number has been disconnected
or is otherwise out of service.

Plato

okay Glaucon so
i want you to picture a cave full of prisoners
who have been in the cave their whole lives

and they’re all shackled in a line facing the back wall

my god
what a nightmare
those poor people

ok no
I mean yes, it’s terrible, but no that’s not the point
anyhow
they’re shackled so they can only look at the back wall

they can’t move their heads

what monster would do this

and there’s a fire behind them

A FIRE IN THE CAVE
MY GOD
THESE POOR SOULS WILL BURN TO DEATH
WE MUST RESCUE THEM

no it’s just
it’s just a thought experiment

I want to talk about epistemology

WHAT FOUL SPIRIT WOULD CHAIN HUMAN BEINGS UNDER
THE EARTH LIKE HADES

no one
no one

they’re just there

WE MUST MAKE HASTE
THESE SHACKLED CITIZENS CANNOT FREE THEMSELVES

it’s an allegory

the cave is just an allegory

IMPOSSIBLE
IT IS THE WORK OF A KNAVE AND A BRIGAND
AND I SHALL NOT REST UNTIL HE IS DEAD

Circe

hi Odysseus
what are you doing for dinner tonight

Circe.

what
oh my god whatttt

Circe

stop it with my name
i don’t know what you’re mad about
are you mad

Circe I’m not coming over for dinner

whyyyyy

you know why

no i don’t
I’m a witch
not a
not the captain of knowing why of things

what are all those pigs doing outside your house

I don’t know
whatever pigs do
truffle-hunting

Circe

i think the technical term is mycophagy
but I’m not 100% on that

where did the pigs come from Circe

i don’t know
a pig farm
a pig mommy and a pig daddy who loved each other very much
and gave each other a special handshake

CIRCE

oh my god okay fine
they’re your crew, you got me
i turned all of your friends into pigs

why did you turn my friends into pigs

i don’t know
maybe the real question is
why are your friends
so turn-into-pigsable

turn them back into humans

will you come over for dinner if i turn them back into humans

turn them back into humans first and we’ll talk

uuugh
Finnnneeeee

and turn them back into REGULAR humans

what do you mean

just like how they were before
not
i don’t know
half-pig men
or a thousand years old
or with no arms

just the same, normal people

haha oh my god
what do you even think i am
i would never do that

Circe

you own an entire island of badgermen

you don’t know that island wasn’t already like that when I got here

was it like

was it full of half-men half-badgers?

i don’t have to answer that question
it was full of a lot of things when i got here
anyhow shut up
i fixed your stupid friends
who by the way are stupid and boring

CIRCE

im kidddddding godddd