Textastrophe: A Collection of Hilariously Catastrophic Text Pranks (19 page)

It’s the same thing as money but it only works at the Cracker Barrel.

There’s no way I’m kissing your feet.

Well, for the amount I’m paying, there ought to be some extra services in addition to the horse ride.

I didn’t see it in the ad, but does the ride come with women in bikinis who can dangle grapes into my mouth and stuff.

Forget it man, this is fucking ridiculous.

I run a serious business, not some medieval chauffeur service. Go rent a corvette or some shit.

Hello

Is this Ryan?

Yea can I help you

Just looking for a little assistance with some cable installation.

oh ok great!

What cable provider are you currently using?

I’m not real sure.

Is that ok?

No problem!

Do you need any outlets installed? Any wiring?

Ryan, I’ll be honest.
I’m not really good with electronics.

Thats ok.

Just tell me what exactly you’re trying to do?

Well simply put, I need you to set up cable TV in a backyard treehouse.

Ok that shouldn’t be too hard.

How far is the treehouse from your home?

I’d say maybe 20 yards, give or take.

Ok well then it’s really just a wiring issue.

We could run a line, underground, from the house to the treehouse.

Shouldn’t be too big of an issue.

That sounds like it could work.

When are you free? What’s your address?

I can swing by and get you an estimate.

Well your ad says you work nights and weekends. That’s probably best for me, as well.

Yes

What’s the best day for you?

I’m free this Thursday night.

That works for me.

ok

How about you swing by around 11 and we’ll go from there.

11 at night?

Yea

That’s a little too late for me

Sorry

When I say “nights” I mean between 5 and 8 pm.

Nothing too much later than that.

Well thats not gonna work for me

ok

how about Saturday afternoon?

No that won’t work either.

I can probably do 9pm on Thursday.

Will that work?

Thats pushing it.

But I think I may be able to swing that.

If the job sounds as simple as just placing a line …

Ok good.

Well if you’re doing it that early I’m gonna need you to park on the street behind the house and jump the fence.

You ok with that?

Hello?

Why would I need to do that?

Well I don’t want to startle anyone.

And I know everybody in the house usually goes to sleep around 9.

I’m not following you.

Well, I’ll be honest with you Ryan.

Technically they don’t know I live in the tree house.

Who?

The people who live in the house.

Man I’m so lost right now.

Listen man. I’ve been cooped up in this tree house for like 2 weeks now.

You gotta help me out

You don’t actually live there?

Yes I do

Well, I don’t live in the house, per se.

But I feel like I’m comfortable enough to call the treehouse “my home”.

Are you messing with me?

Do the people in the house know you’re in there?

Of course!

Well, their 8-year old son does.

He’s the one who’s been sneaking me food.

This is ridiculous.

I want no part of this.

C’mon man. I’m getting bored up here.

I need something to entertain me.

Up to this point, I’ve just been catching glimpses of “The King of Queens” through the patio door but I can’t hear a thing.

You know how tough it is to watch a sitcom and not get to hear the jokes?

It’s absolute torture.

If you’re being serious, I want nothing to do with this.

That’s so illegal.

Ryan, It’s only illegal if they know about it.

Besides, I thought you were looking for some extra cash?

Yea but I’m not doing that!

Well can you at least bring me some food?

Like I said earlier, the kid told me he’d bring up some food, but so far all he brought me was an old bag of candy canes.

You’re on your own.

Help me out Ryan.

Man can’t survive on candy canes alone!

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